So I'm planning on coming out to my parents next month...

rayray

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I'll admitt I'm quite insensitive to your feelings of coming out, having brought up in a very understanding and open family, but I don't see how your sexual preferences are any of your parents or friends concerns?

If people should ask be open yes, but taking the issue to them then they will pay the price for your clear conscience.

As you have already indicated your parents would probably not be very understanding, Is your clear conscience worth more then the wellbeing of your family?
I don't usually like to be critical. So you had it easy for you. For a lot of people it is a big issue and letting people know exactly who you are is a great relief for most anybody.Hie parents generation i believe were closed mouth and kept issue private and within the family.Example, Their daughter came to them and told them she had a abortion.Her parents might become very upset and it was against their values and beliefs..They may have been angry for sometime and maybe tell their daughter is going to hell.She had a choice..In this case yes, he has a choice too. He can never tell them and keep a secret life, never able to bring the BF over etc..I think you know what i am trying to say..I said he has a choice to tell his parents the truth about who he is, he can't change that. He wants to be truthful and honest to the ones he loves with the risk of being hurt and hurting others.He know longer wants to have to hide who he truly is. And you say you are insensitive because you had it easy. I had it very easy. I had already lost my dad and i had a wonderful relationship with my mom and my 5 brothers and 2 sisters. When i was 18 i was sitting with my mom watching TV and at a commercial she say to me,Lonnie, are you gay and i said yes mom and she said that's Okay i just wanted to make sure and she also said that does'nt change the way i love you. I just want you to be happy.My believe is we were all created by a wonderful God who is all loving and he made me who i am..The thing is, i had the problem of accepting who i was. One day i was with my older brother walking on the beach, i was 31 at the time and in this shell. My brother let me have in no uncertain terms that i was gay, so what.There is nothing wrong with you and he said some of my best friends are gay and they are good people.To the OP, when you feel it is the right time, tell them.It might take them a while but they will come around..As with your friends, the ones that remain friends with you are keepers.I wish and hope the best for you.
 

D_ShlongJohnSilver

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I would suggest you come out to some of your straight friends first to see their reaction. I guess it wil be along the lines of 'yea, what's new, fancy another beer?'.

You are now 30. Unless you have been boasting about shagging girls on the side your parents must have an inkling. It WILL be a shock to them; they make look upon themselves as 'faliures'. They are not. They have a brought up a caring son; that is why you have not mentioned it before. They will also think of how others will see them. At social gatherings it is one thing ot introduce 'our son and his girlfriend'; it is quite another to say 'our son and his boyfriend'. They will be thinking of this.

That is not to say you must not do it, you must. Can you use your brother/sister so soften things. Have them there so your parents can discuss it with them?.

At the end of the day you are still their son, they will always be your parents. I know that strong Christian beliefs are often uncomfortable, but by their upbring doesn't Jesus love all?

(From a person with no religious beliefs).

Agree with all of this but especially the first part. We're getting to the point where its really not a big deal to most people. When I find out someone is gay its just like "that's great, but where are we drinking tonight?".
 

anal_lightbulb

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Thank you all for your comments and well wishes. I admit that it's taken a long time for me to come to this point, so here's to progress.

I'll admitt I'm quite insensitive to your feelings of coming out, having brought up in a very understanding and open family, but I don't see how your sexual preferences are any of your parents or friends concerns?

If people should ask be open yes, but taking the issue to them then they will pay the price for your clear conscience.

As you have already indicated your parents would probably not be very understanding, Is your clear conscience worth more then the wellbeing of your family?

At least you're cognizant of being insensitive and while you're entitled to your opinion, I respectfully disagree.

And yes, my peace of mind, personal happiness, and having a clear conscience is definitely worth more than other peoples so-called "well-being." I have to live my life for me regardless of what other people think. Caring entirely about what people think really handicapped me a lot growing up and well into my 20's and has taken a huge mental toll on me.

It's about his family "knowing" the person he really is. Before I came out to my parents I worried about one of them or me dying and what a tragedy it would have been that they would have never really known who I was. It's not simply a matter of your sex life and what you do in the bedroom. Can you imagine telling a straight person to keep their sexual preferences a secret to their family and friends and, in effect, hiding their very being from from the people they love?

This

Why do you want to tell them? You live 450 miles away and probably see them like what, two or three times a year, what is the point?

I live much closer to my parents and see them several times a month but I have never told them. My parents are probably very much like your parents. Dad is not a pastor but as a church warden and a layreader he might as well be. I knew that if I told him it would completely destroy him. Decades ago I just decided to let sleeping dogs lie and made the decision that I would only tell them if they came right out and asked me if I was gay. I figure that if they ask, then they are ready to accept whatever answer I give them.

So far they have never asked, but when I was about 35 they sbruptly stopped asking me when I was going to find a girl and get married. It may be because they figured out or it may be because my sister had a kid and they were too occupied with their new grandchild to worry about my dating/marital status anymore.

Well, I'm getting the questions about finding a wife, when are we getting grandkids, have you been dating anyone, blah, blah, blah. I'm good at keeping things private, but my father is one of those kinds of people who is nosy as hell and likes to get into people's business. He was hounding me about some woman who was visiting the city he lives in who happens to live in the same city as I do. He was meddling and trying to play matchmaker. Honestly, I can't deal with that sort of intrusion in my life anymore. I usually ignore his calls and keep my distance from him as much as possible. I told the woman what I was going through and didn't feel comfortable pursuing a romantic relationship with someone i have no physical/sexual interest in. She was very understanding about it. I'm trying to figure out the right words to say to a mentally abusive father to mind his business. I'm not ready to say "fuck off" just yet, but want to make it known.

That's actually how I'd prefer it, not keeping it a secret but I don't tell unless I'm asked and I don't really care what my family is up to in their bedrooms either, they could fuck a horse or cat or have wild raging orgies with all the neigbors it doesn't matter it's a private thing.

And the OP would still be the same person regardless of what stamp you put on him, he's not going to act more or less fruity or bring his dates to his parents house at christmas.
Nothing changes besides his parents being depressed about their son's sexual orientation.

As for truly knowing someone I disagree on that as well, we don't truly know anyone unless we can read minds.

What I keep in mind is long term effect, I imagine his parents are somewhere in their sixties and their health is gradually declining and older people are more set in their ways then anyone else.

They probably have about 10 to 20 quality years left and they will live it knowing their son will not live up their dreams of him and not see any grandchildren of him, let allone the damage it would do to the father's reputation as minister.
I don't think it would improve the quality years they have left.

Don't understand me wrong I think it should be socially accepted and people should feel free to be who they are but when it's not being accepted then don't try to force it out of people.

But again I have never been denied parts of my identity, so I admitt I can't really place myself in his shoes.

Exactly, you have no idea of my life or what I'm going through except for the information I provided. They're in their late 50's BTW. As for his reputation, he can choose to not tell people about me being gay, but that would be up to him. Honestly, he can be quite hypocritical to be a minister anyhow, so maybe he'll look at this as some sort of divine retribution. Who knows, I don't care.

I don't usually like to be critical. So you had it easy for you. For a lot of people it is a big issue and letting people know exactly who you are is a great relief for most anybody.Hie parents generation i believe were closed mouth and kept issue private and within the family.Example, Their daughter came to them and told them she had a abortion.Her parents might become very upset and it was against their values and beliefs..They may have been angry for sometime and maybe tell their daughter is going to hell.She had a choice..In this case yes, he has a choice too. He can never tell them and keep a secret life, never able to bring the BF over etc..I think you know what i am trying to say..I said he has a choice to tell his parents the truth about who he is, he can't change that. He wants to be truthful and honest to the ones he loves with the risk of being hurt and hurting others.He know longer wants to have to hide who he truly is. And you say you are insensitive because you had it easy. I had it very easy. I had already lost my dad and i had a wonderful relationship with my mom and my 5 brothers and 2 sisters. When i was 18 i was sitting with my mom watching TV and at a commercial she say to me,Lonnie, are you gay and i said yes mom and she said that's Okay i just wanted to make sure and she also said that does'nt change the way i love you. I just want you to be happy.My believe is we were all created by a wonderful God who is all loving and he made me who i am..The thing is, i had the problem of accepting who i was. One day i was with my older brother walking on the beach, i was 31 at the time and in this shell. My brother let me have in no uncertain terms that i was gay, so what.There is nothing wrong with you and he said some of my best friends are gay and they are good people.To the OP, when you feel it is the right time, tell them.It might take them a while but they will come around..As with your friends, the ones that remain friends with you are keepers.I wish and hope the best for you.

Thanks. Like I said earlier, my peace of mind and being true to myself takes precedent over everything else. I was giving entirely too much emotional power and control to my parents years after that should have stopped.
 
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travis1985

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We had a thread recently about coming out to religious parents that are expected to struggle with it. If you haven't seen it yet, here it is. You might find all, some, or none of it applicable. http://www.lpsg.org/279803-dad-update.html

One thing I'll say is that I noticed the first thing you said about your dad is that he's a minister and he's "homophobic." If that ugly, judgmental, and two-dimensional word is really how you perceive and relate to him, be prepared to become a little more compassionate and patient yourself as he gets this thrown at him and copes with it. Remember, understanding is a two-way street and he can't do it if he isn't getting it back.
 

Infernal

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Everyone has a different experience with this. Mine went well for the most part, but I know friends that had a bad time with it. In the end, the only person you really have to be comfortable telling is yourself. Your happiness is what matters, and hopefully they can be happy for you. Best of luck to you.
 

hungboy18

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I 100% agree with you when it comes to being isolated, I feel the same way, even though I live with my parents I still feel like I don't, I'm probably gonna send them a text "hey, I'm gay, let's talk tomorrow", I'm not kidding, I'm not comfortable enough to come out to my family or emotionally stable to hear them scream and say ignorant things like "Why are you doing this to me?", "What will people think?", "why do you like dick? you f....", maybe I'm scaring you, so I'll text them in 5 years, when I'm done with college, when I have my own house and a job.

My parents aren't homophobic, but they are a bit self absorbed, and if possible they'd probably avoid thinking about me, they think money is more important than parenting, at least they don't believe in reading the bible or any other kind of text really, or going to church, so that's something I feel grateful for, they have one less thing to discuss when the conversation becomes heated, it will.

You have those things (job, a life, a house, friends, a support group...), I hope I'll be as strong as you are in 4 or 5 years when I come out to everyone, it seems as though as you have thought and prepared yourself for the worst so the only thing I can say is good luck and be happy because you didn't do anything wrong, people are who they are, and you have nothing to be ashamed of!
 

D_Sal_Manilla

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I came out in a very unorthodox way. Sort of just blurted it out to my parents over an argument during dinner time.

I had just recently dyed my hair a littler shade of brown and he turns to me and starts screaming how piercings and hair discoloration are got faggots. Mind you this is all happening in Spanish which makes it much worse.
Well I just told him that "Maybe I am gay"
he flipped, told me to jump in front of a train.

Thing got better over time. I was in 7th grade when it happened. Now I'll be starting my college classes and the relationship with my parents is okay.

No parent will ever be okay with finding out that their child is gay because they had plans for theirs lives. They had dreams for their kids and when something changes, it take time for someone to accept it. My parents are very old fashioned and as much as they hate and despise the gay culture, they have come to terms with who I am.

In my house the "Dont ask, don't tell" policy is always in effect. My parents are okay as long as nothing is seen if you know what I mean.

I'm sorry for what your going through and i really have no advise to share except to just tell them and try to explain and then you have to give them their space. They may or may not accept it. Its not up to you to decide. It's their life and if they are willing to live without their son, then you have to accept it.

I really am sorry and I hope you find the approval you seek. Living in truth is not always easy but I can assure you that it is very rewarding.
 

ruggerkit28

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Think of it as a bit like going into a hospital for operation. You know you will have a period of pain, discomfort, indignity; but you are doing it knowing that in the longer term you will be a better, stronger person.
 

freeballininnyc

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To the OP I wish you the best of luck. I too am from the south and came out to my parents when I was 27. My dad's not a minister but an elder in the church and the religious aspect of my parents' feelings was certainly an issue. I think the biggest obstacle is just the inability to relate because people in that region don't think about "am I? could I be? what if my kid is?, etc." Looking back on my experience with telling my parents, the best advice I can give you is to say exactly what you want to say and don't lose control of the situation. My parents have been accepting of it in as much as I allow it to be an issue. I've yet to bring anyone home to meet them and my sexuality isn't something that we discuss on a regular basis, though it has come up. All in all, they're dealing with it. My outlook on it is, it too me a LONG time to admit to myself that I was gay and a couple of years beyond that to accept myself for it. Asking my parents to join me in that same space in a matter of minutes or even months is overly ambitious and incredibly unfair. I never questioned their love for me, never in my life - but that doesn't equate to immediate and total acceptance of my choices either. I hope it goes as well as it possibly can. At the very least, you're on the path to a happier, healthier life because you're living your truth. Also, just to put this out there, for you and anyone else who may read it - suicide is NEVER to answer to ANYTHING. EVER. And if God is important to your life, I'm pretty sure he'd be WAY more pissed about taking your own life than he would about taking one in the pooper.
 

B_Nia88

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when you do come out provide your family with a lot of info and pamphlets from pflag etc as they will need a lot of support as well. You also need a strong support group when you leave your parents have a group of friends who love and support you.
 

anal_lightbulb

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Again, thank you all for the responses and advice... I am attaching a copy of the letter I plan to send. I typed it out, but it will be handwritten when I send it to them:

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has weighed heavily on my mind to write this letter to you, but I feel it is something that has to be done in order to be true to myself and finally admitting that I’m a gay man.

I cannot predict what thoughts are running through your mind right now and I feel that writing this letter would be the best way for you to understand where I’m coming from. This isn’t some “phase” I’m going through nor is it something that I’ve suddenly “chose” or “decided” to be. It’s nothing either of you two did to “make” me gay. I figured it out when I was a teenager, but years of trying to hide and deny who I am and lying to myself and others has taken quite a mental toll on me over the years. The only “choice” in the matter as I see it is whether to be honest with myself or continue to live a lie for the sake of others.

It’s only been in the last year that I’ve fully come to terms with this before I began to tell others. The biggest challenge on my mind has been trying to figure out the right words to tell you that your firstborn son and father’s namesake is gay. I feel you two are too important to me to keep living a lie and living a duplicitous life. It has become too painful to keep this hidden from you and I love you too much to be so dishonest to you about my life.

I know this will be difficult for all of us as we come to terms as a family with the news I shared with you. I’m not writing this letter to hurt you, but I understand if it will take you awhile to really accept this. Just remember I’m the same person that I was yesterday, only you know a little more about me and maybe become a little closer than we’ve been lately. I’ve realized how much I’ve isolated myself over the last year because this has been knawing at me to the core for the longest time. I just hope you two can accept me for who I am, continue loving me and being happy for me.
Over the years, I’ve often prayed to God to “fix” this or “cure” me. Dealing with my sexuality and reconciling this with my faith has been and still is a battle I grapple with. I know God has been there in my life and have concluded this is the way he made me.

I have lived a life with a façade of pretending to be something that I’m not and have dealt with depression, loneliness, and suicidal thoughts as a result. I have been in counseling and praying a lot and realize that killing myself would not be the answer.

I realize that living a lie or putting an unsuspecting or unwitting woman through a false sense of love and marriage are not options for me.

I know this will be difficult and while I understand that you don’t have to agree with me, but I would appreciate your love and support. I’m sure you two have had your suspicions over the years and me admitting this is probably a weight off of everyone’s shoulders. I know you have a lot of questions and I’ll answer them to the best of my ability. Take the time you need because I know you will need time to reflect on these revelations.

Also, I feel this should be something that should be discussed with us. I will tell other family members and friends in my own time. I have already told [my brother] myself and he still loves me and accepts me for who I am and I hope you can too. No matter what, I am still your son.
 

ManlyBanisters

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Good letter. I wish you the best of luck and I hope they really read the words, the whole thing. It may take time for them to accept it but I'm hearing that you really need them to know and this seems to be as good a way as any. I'd always favour an 'in person' exchange if possible within my family, but you know your family better than anyone and if this is right for you then it is the right way to do it.

No parent will ever be okay with finding out that their child is gay because they had plans for theirs lives. They had dreams for their kids and when something changes, it take time for someone to accept it.

lies and damn lies!

dolf is right - my dreams and 'plans' for my offspring all center around happiness and health - I have no expectations or requirements relating to sexuality (or career, or grandchildren, or location, or anything else). It is, literally, none of my business.
 

Deadlylove09

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Came out to my parents about 3 or 4 months ago. I honestly think it just went in one ear and out the other. They still talk about me getting married to a woman and having children. I don't know if it's denile (sp?) or what. It's so hard to think they don't know the real me. Living at home is a issue to buy thank god I work long hours. Good luck and hope it all goes well for you!
 

Adrian69702006

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I've known since I was a teenager, but having just turned 30 a few months ago, I can't take hiding it anymore, lying to people, or repressing myself. I only started becoming sexually active with men about 2 years ago, so I have been a late bloomer when it comes to that.

My dad is a minister, and is extremely homophobic and I think he has mental issues (undiagnosed) so I know this isn't going to go over well with him. My mom is a bit more understanding, but has her moments too. I already came out to my brother who has been awesome and understanding, and a few friends. I have already written the letter I plan on sending to them telling them what I've been going through, the suicidal thoughts, that e being gay is not their fault, and how much I've isolated myself from them over the past few years.

It's taken months of therapy, PFLAG meetings, and support to get to where I am now, and while I know it might not go over well (I KNOW it won't go over well with several members of my extended family, but they get on my nerves anyhow), my peace of mind is a lot more important than what other people think.

For those of you who have came out to your parents, how did you do it? I'm sending a letter because a telephone conversation announcing this would involve a lot of yelling and cursing. I'd rather cover my bases before the telephone call I know I'm going to get after.

The next people I plan to tell will be my closest straight male friends. I k ow I'll have to reitierate to them that I wouldn't do anything to them to compromise our friendship but if we no longer speak, I've made my peace with it.

Knowing my dad, he'll try to find a woman to hook me up with or try to find someone to "save" me, but my parents live 450 miles away, and I'm financially independent, so it's easier to tell them to mind their business, but I'm not ready for a personal confrotation quite yet. For those of you with really controlling, meddling parents, how did you deal with the fallout?

I've never been so terrified to do something in my life, but I know it has to be done for the sake of my sanity. Honestly, I think they have their suspicions, so I think this will be a huge weight off of everyone's shoulders once all is said and done.

For those of you who have gone through this, any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I can only speak from the point of view of some ignorance (hopefully forgiveable ignorance) as I know little about the culture of the Southern US and even less of what it might be like to be gay. What I will say is this. Most parents want what's best and easiest for their children. No doubt most conceive of that as being able to settle down, get married and, God willing, have young of their own. I would imagine that in this respect parents aren't so very different from others.

They may already have had their suspicions. Being confronted with the realisation that you are gay and the implications which stem from that will no doubt still be a shock to them, even if it only confirms what they perhaps already knew on an intuitive level but didn't want to openly accept or articulate. However I am also sure that they love you very dearly and, if they have any sense, will want to do what they can to accept the realities of your sexuality, however hard that may be for them. Having read your letter, I think you've put what you want to say very well - far more eloquently than I could ever have managed. There is some wisdom in the point of view expressed by the person who thought that as they lived 450 miles away and you rarely saw them, it might be better to keep your sexuality beneath their radar. However at the same time I think some things are better out in the open, and this certainly is, not least of all if it's been weighing on your mind.

You say that your father is a minister, but don't give any indication as to his denominational tradition or theological leanings. I say this because religion doesn't necessarily equate to homophobic attitudes. In the Church of England the admission that someone was gay would, outside conservative evangelical circles at any rate, rarely trigger the batting of an eyelid - unless the person concerned had aspirations of becoming a bishop. In ECUSA (the American equivalent to the CofE) there are, I believe, even one or two openly gay bishops. It might be worth finding a church which is 'gay friendly' - at least that way you would have a network of friends who understood your situation and didn't judge you for it. In the meantime, you have plenty of good friends on here to whom you can turn for support.

Good luck and best wishes. It goes without saying that if you want to speak to someone privately about the situation, please don't hesitate to PM or e-mail me if you wish as I'm more than happy to try and help if I can.
 
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petite

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That is a good letter. You are very brave. :hug:

I think giving them information regarding PFLAG and other support organizations is a good one, too. Perhaps you can find a Welcoming Congregation to help you reconcile your faith with your orientation. There is none of that "love the sinner hate the sin" stuff there because they do not regard gay sexuality to be sinful and the one I go to is wonderfully supportive of gay people. I go to one that fights for marriage equality and has openly gay couples in it.
 
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toonfan88

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I wish I could offer advice but I am in the same situation as you, 24 and genuinely scared about coming out. All I can say is I really hope it all goes well for you, the letter looks well worded to me and I hope it is all taken on board and received in the best possible way
 

Willifred

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I have a close Islamic friend who is gay and in a way I think this situation is similar to his. His mum and other family members have hinted to him that they know he is gay, but have insinuated that they do not wish to have it confirmed.

You have every right to live your life the way you want to, and you have every right to be happy, but you could just deny them the slight detail that they don't want to hear. Sometimes, regardless of emotions, some people perceive society as wanting them to act in a certain way, and react.

If it's more trouble confirming what they already expect, why bother confirming it?
 

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I'm 24, I came out to them when I was 19 or 20, I can't remember. Was hell. My mother and I were having a bit of issues because I was missing church for a while now. My feelings for church was changing, I just wasn't caring for it anymore. But the real reason I was missing church was more to do with school. I was involved in a bunch of school projects and most of my peers could only work on them on Sundays, so I had to be there also. My mom thought it was a terrible excuse. One day she and someone from the church cornered me about it and afterward my mom saw I was upset. I told my mom I didn't care for church anymore, it was just me wasting my time sitting in to something I wasn't believing in anymore. That same day at service the pastor was talking about how young people who were believers go away to college and get influenced and pushed out of church, so her first question was, "Are you being influenced?" Haha. I said no. So for another week or two was strained because of this and finally she sat down to talk to me about my feelings for church. We reached a happy medium and she asked if there was anything else I wanted to talk to her about and I tried my best to hold it in but I ended up crying and coming out to her. It was also the worst day for this to happen because it was Mother's Day. I remember now she came to talk to me because I wrote her a card that made her cry and that was what started the whole conversation that day.

After I told her, she was quiet for a short bit and I asked her to say something. She said, "For the first time in 19-20 years of having you, I wish you weren't my son." That shit hurt. For weeks, maybe a month we had issues. We argued, not spoken to each other, said fucked up shit to each other. It was terrible. I used to be suicidal and contemplated suicide again and when she heard about that she wondered why I would consider that, it should be her. She even tried to get a pastor to talk me out of it, etc. I once got cornered in the street by my aunt, my mom's best friend, about the situation and gave me shit out in the open. That day I was pissed in class, walked out and called them both and brought them to tears. Eventually I told them to just leave me alone. My mom later apologized for everything. She still doesn't accept it and we're back to a great relationship, we just don't talk about it.

During that whole ordeal, though, she called my father without me knowing and told him in hope that he can "scare it out of me." My dad called me one day out of the blue and asked me to come over because we needed to talk. I figured then my mom told him. We set up a d time to meet and every step I took closer to his house, I wanted to throw up more and more. I was terrified. When I got there, we sat down after 20-30 minutes and first thing he said to me was, "Do you know why we're in this room right now and why I called you here?" I responded I had an idea of what but won't say in case I was wrong. I think that broke a bit of the ice and then he said how my mom called him and told him what happened. He questioned me about it and just couldn't understand any of it. He wanted to know if I was bi, why can't I just be happy with just girls and I was telling him it wasn't that simple. He then told me my mom told him weeks back but he was too afraid of saying something he didn't mean out of anger and he knew once something was said, it couldn't be taken back, unlike my mom.

After that conversation, my dad and I no longer were the best buds we used to be. He gave me the cold shoulder, didn't talk to me nor hardly looked at me. One day he told my brother that I wasn't the same person anymore, how I changed and my brotehr told him, "Maybe if you'd still being an asshole to him and actually talk to him, you'd see he's the same guy." So my dad did just that one day and we ended up having the same ol' conversations we used to have, joking and laughing, etc. Finally father's day came and I gave him a card that made him rather emotional and he came to me and embraced me and told me that he was proud to have me as a son. Things weren't back to normal too soon, but it did come shortly and unlike my mom, from time to time he'd ask me how I was dealing with it and a year or so ago he pretty much said he'd be okay with anyone just as long as I was happy and not lonely, although he said it in a way where I got the message without him explicitly saying it to refer to man or woman.