So jeremy kyle.

[AlteredEgo]

Thank you. Yes, I can see it going in the direction of stalking, and maybe even revenge. I was leaving one or two days before replying to emails from him, whereas he was replying to mine fairly quickly. Then he showed up at my work. Then the emails stepped up a bit. I think I'm going to have to make it clear that he needs to avoid the place in future. I'm likely to be there on my days off sometimes too though, as they do good vegan and gluten free options, and I get a good discount. I'm not sure what to say, or how to handle it yet.

I have an ex I'd love to contact. I was stunned and hurt when he broke up with me, but the split was fairly amicable. We tried, for a time to be friends. We'd been friends before we decided to date. There was still mutual sexual attraction, but I was willing to ignore it in order to be able to spend time with him, or laugh with him on the phone from time to time. But, one day he asked to get back together and I declined. A year or two after that he made it clear that he didn't want to keep in touch. I miss his company, but have always respected his decision. I know where he works. It's a public place, I pay taxes which fund the programs and facilities there, and I have every right to be there. But I don't go. If I did go, I'd do my best not to be recognized by him, and to avoid him. There are scores of places just like it so it costs me nothing to avoid the place where he works. Why? Because normal people don't go out of their way to make things awkward for their exes, friends or not.

His behavior is not normal, Lady. So, if part of your hesitation is any kind of faltering in your confidence in your instincts, or in the rightness of asking him to avoid your workplace, please put that aside.

 

[gma26_4521]

Very good insight by AE above. I will add this caveat to respecting another person's boundaries. Some do not! No matter what we do or try! People who are decent such as AE get it, I know you Ms. Swoon get it, so do I. This man sounds like a different story. Easy to advise here, but it sounds like a complicated individual. Clearly a zero contact situation would be ideal but hard to accomplish at times when the "other" keeps popping up-and social media, technology in todays world makes it even more difficult. I do feel for you, and hope you can find a solution that works.

 

[950483]

I have an ex I'd love to contact. I was stunned and hurt when he broke up with me, but the split was fairly amicable. We tried, for a time to be friends. We'd been friends before we decided to date. There was still mutual sexual attraction, but I was willing to ignore it in order to be able to spend time with him, or laugh with him on the phone from time to time. But, one day he asked to get back together and I declined. A year or two after that he made it clear that he didn't want to keep in touch. I miss his company, but have always respected his decision. I know where he works. It's a public place, I pay taxes which fund the programs and facilities there, and I have every right to be there. But I don't go. If I did go, I'd do my best not to be recognized by him, and to avoid him. There are scores of places just like it so it costs me nothing to avoid the place where he works. Why? Because normal people don't go out of their way to make things awkward for their exes, friends or not.

His behavior is not normal, Lady. So, if part of your hesitation is any kind of faltering in your confidence in your instincts, or in the rightness of asking him to avoid your workplace, please put that aside.

No his behaviour is not normal. He is a difficult person to say the least, so I was thinking how best to handle things, and wondering if a bit of reverse psychology might work. Then I thought "Fuck it. Why the hell am I altering my behaviour and actions, and walking on eggshells to fit in with his weirdness?"
And then I did this:

Stop replying to his emails after you tell him it is over for good and to stop the stalking or you will take the needed legal action to make it stop. Block his email address or put it in your spam folder and DO NOT answer him in any form. Do not let him control what you do in your life or where you chose to eat and hang out. If you need to get your work management involved, do so sooner than later.

Within a couple of minutes, even before I added him to spam, I got a very angry response. A few f-words, and telling me that I was demented, mental, and have turned nasty for no reason, and that the police won't help me so I shouldn't waste their time. I told him to avoid the one place I am likely to be. He is insistent that he isn't going to do that. I did not reply, and a couple of hours later I got a combination of he doesn't understand, he was drunk on Friday (either an excuse or he's saying he doesn't remember any of it), and yet again trying to manipulate me with the depression and the self pity; I'm just being mean to him, AND he will still be going to that one place. He had no particular affection for the place prior to this. We've been there 4 or 5 times in the last two and a half years, and that's mostly because it's near my house.

 

[950483]

I have an ex I'd love to contact. I was stunned and hurt when he broke up with me, but the split was fairly amicable. We tried, for a time to be friends. We'd been friends before we decided to date. There was still mutual sexual attraction, but I was willing to ignore it in order to be able to spend time with him, or laugh with him on the phone from time to time. But, one day he asked to get back together and I declined. A year or two after that he made it clear that he didn't want to keep in touch. I miss his company, but have always respected his decision. I know where he works. It's a public place, I pay taxes which fund the programs and facilities there, and I have every right to be there. But I don't go. If I did go, I'd do my best not to be recognized by him, and to avoid him. There are scores of places just like it so it costs me nothing to avoid the place where he works. Why? Because normal people don't go out of their way to make things awkward for their exes, friends or not.

His behavior is not normal, Lady. So, if part of your hesitation is any kind of faltering in your confidence in your instincts, or in the rightness of asking him to avoid your workplace, please put that aside.

How long ago was that? Depending on how things ended, and I suppose why things ended I wouldn't necessarily think I needed to avoid them indefinitely. I can think of a couple of my exes, that I had been angry or upset with at the time, (or them with me), but wouldn't mind bumping into now. A few years is enough for me to let most things go. My most recent ex doesn't deserve to be tortured in the fiery pits of hell, or be shoved into a pit of snakes and furbys, he just deserves to be alone. I would probably be able to have a cup of tea and a nice chat with him in a few years time.

 

[AlteredEgo]

How long ago was that? Depending on how things ended, and I suppose why things ended I wouldn't necessarily think I needed to avoid them indefinitely. I can think of a couple of my exes, that I had been angry or upset with at the time, (or them with me), but wouldn't mind bumping into now. A few years is enough for me to let most things go. My most recent ex doesn't deserve to be tortured in the fiery pits of hell, or be shoved into a pit of snakes and furbys, he just deserves to be alone. I would probably be able to have a cup of tea and a nice chat with him in a few years time.

We broke up because he just couldn't stay committed at the time. The woman before me had been particularly cruel, and his deep feelings made him too vulnerable. After a while he felt ready to try again, but I had moved on. I figured we would always be friends, but in retrospect, he'd gone from my friend to a guy waiting for me to break up with my boyfriend. When it became apparent I wasn't going to leave, he made it pretty clear he wanted to move on and leave me behind. we alwas spoke on our birthdays, but he didn't take my call on his birthday that year, and didn't call me for mine the following spring. The last time we spoke, he took a long time saying good bye, and when he did, he said he wanted me to know he'd always love me, and I'd never lose my place in his heart. I told him I felt the same way about him, and then we never spoke again. By not returning my phone calls, he made it clear he didn't want to be in touch. I didn't hear the finality in his words and tone when he spoke them, but he meant to never have contact again. Who am I not to respect his wishes. He is a manager in the department of parks and recreation. I know which park has his office, and I know which wildlife classes, lectures, and demonstrations are his. That city has scores of parks. I don't have to go to his. There are plenty of community outreach programs run by parks and rec. I don't have to go to his. Besides, it was always a struggle to keep our hands off each other. Neither of us needs the tension. He's from a life that didn't happen, and since he has positioned himself for space, it is only right and respectful to give that to him.

 

[pdxjoe]

No his behaviour is not normal. He is a difficult person to say the least, so I was thinking how best to handle things, and wondering if a bit of reverse psychology might work. Then I thought "Fuck it. Why the hell am I altering my behaviour and actions, and walking on eggshells to fit in with his weirdness?"
And then I did this:


Within a couple of minutes, even before I added him to spam, I got a very angry response. A few f-words, and telling me that I was demented, mental, and have turned nasty for no reason, and that the police won't help me so I shouldn't waste their time. I told him to avoid the one place I am likely to be. He is insistent that he isn't going to do that. I did not reply, and a couple of hours later I got a combination of he doesn't understand, he was drunk on Friday (either an excuse or he's saying he doesn't remember any of it), and yet again trying to manipulate me with the depression and the self pity; I'm just being mean to him, AND he will still be going to that one place. He had no particular affection for the place prior to this. We've been there 4 or 5 times in the last two and a half years, and that's mostly because it's near my house.

Stick to you guns girl( a saying here in the US) do not let him manipulate you. Good for you for putting him in spam now just delete his emails without reading them it is only upsetting you and is not worth it. I do not know about the UK , but here in the US the police and courts would most definitely help you. That is to the best of my knowledge of the laws in the US.

 

[deleted924715]

I feel for you, I really do. I've just gone through something similar - I'm probably about a month ahead of you. I ended things because he behaved... poorly... on more than one occasion and when that upset me he would hide behind depression and how much upsetting me had upset him and put him in a dark place. I ended up in this weird cycle of behaviour where he would upset me and I would end up checking that he was ok. Very manipulative. Anyway, the first and second week I was still angry so it wasn't too bad. Around the third week when I had calmed down was when I started to feel sad and worried about him and the best thing I did was delete every single message and every single photo after blocking him. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted and the clean slate really did give me a psychological boost. I still have my moments, but there is someone else on the scene now and he's well aware I'm on the rebound, but it's just a fun flirtation right now... and it's keeping me nicely distracted.

 

[950483]

For quite a while before we split up I had enough awareness of what was going on that his weird behaviour and manipulation tactics had lost their power somewhat, and just didn't upset me all that much any more. Prior to that I had (wrongly) thought that he simply struggled to see anyone else's point of view, and may well have Asperger's. It had sort of become part of the game for me to retain my sense of self and still do things I wanted to do in spite of him. When we split up I was angry for two or three days, mostly angry with myself, and then I was elated. When we had to do the handing over of personal items, I did so with an air of exuberance, which, in hindsight, was probably the worst thing I could have done to him. I don't know why I'm struggling now, because I know I don't want to be in a relationship with him. I really miss him, and I don't even know why. I have to keep reminding myself that he's a complete moron. This thread is really useful and helpful to me at the moment.

 

[LaFemme]

For quite a while before we split up I had enough awareness of what was going on that his weird behaviour and manipulation tactics had lost their power somewhat, and just didn't upset me all that much any more. Prior to that I had (wrongly) thought that he simply struggled to see anyone else's point of view, and may well have Asperger's. It had sort of become part of the game for me to retain my sense of self and still do things I wanted to do in spite of him. When we split up I was angry for two or three days, mostly angry with myself, and then I was elated. When we had to do the handing over of personal items, I did so with an air of exuberance, which, in hindsight, was probably the worst thing I could have done to him. I don't know why I'm struggling now, because I know I don't want to be in a relationship with him. I really miss him, and I don't even know why. I have to keep reminding myself that he's a complete moron. This thread is really useful and helpful to me at the moment.

Addicts miss heroin, or smoking or crack - doesn't mean it was good for them.

You can learn to enjoy life without drama, where you know what each day will bring. A partner should be someone who has your back. They can surprise you, but not shock you. You can count on them. I've learned grownups are cooler than kids, the guy who makes coffee for you in the morning and brushes the snow off your car because he knows your shoulder hurts. You never wonder where he is, because you trust him. If he doesn't text back right away, you don't freak out because you know he has a reason. You know he always speaks highly of you and you speak highly of him.

Drama is for kids. You will eventually stop missing him. You deserve better. Take some time to learn about yourself and about what you need. What was were the negative things that drew you to him? The positive? Work on those things. The negative relationship patterns are things we need to become aware of in order to change. Increase the positive ones.

You can do this this.