so my best friend turned out to be poz

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Owl, Apr 13, 2011.

  1. Owl

    Owl Member

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    Today was a day I don't think I'll forget. My friend send me a message telling he's hiv positive and has 2nd phase gonorrhea and syphillis. his HIV is recent and so he doesn't have to worry about taking medication for now-he has to get tested every 6 months.

    I read the message on my cell phone at work and found myself in tears in the hallway away from my desk.

    I was upset and sad for him and I replied giving him all the love and support that a friend can give without judging him. I know he isn't a saint when it comes to sex and god knows i ain't one either at times. But I don't think being hiv positive should be what some would say "the punishment" he or anyone in his position deserves. I really hope one day we'll find a cure for all our sakes.

    I gave him a big strong hug.
     
  2. Gecko4lif

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    So no condoms? 3 different stds makes me think that.
     
  3. zujmyhezk86

    zujmyhezk86 New Member

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    Really GECKO4LIFE? Is that want you thought best to write?

    OWL: my heart goes out to you and your friend I can not imagine how I would have taken the news. Moments like those remind us to really take stock of our friends and cherish them and to reflect on ourselves.

    Stay safe people!

    Z
     
  4. rob_

    rob_ Active Member

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    I'm sorry to hear about your friend. That is an awful situation that nobody deserves to be in.

    But HIV and other STD's are not punishments for sex, as you say; they are consequences. Consequences to not practicing safe sex.

    It's not hard to stay clean, even when maintaining an active sex life. I know plenty of people who do.
     
  5. D_Martin van Burden

    D_Martin van Burden Account Disabled

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    I had the same reaction when a good friend of mine from graduate school told me a few years ago that he tested HIV-positive. It wouldn't have been the first time I knew someone with HIV. It was shocking because he's a safe sex advocate who goes out in the community and passes out condoms and urges people to be safe, clean, and to get tested regularly. I was pretty silent when he told me the news, and he basically just said that all it took was one time being risky.

    Four or five years later, he's still doing okay. Honestly, I don't know the details. We don't talk about it. We talk about his dating life, if he's met a nice dude, if HIV ever gets in the way of dating. From what I can recall, he says that it's something that comes up by the second or third date. The dates pretty much stop after he discloses, which makes me feel even worse for him. I know he's not a leper. I know he's a great dude and he's got a great job and he's a catch otherwise, but I also know that there's HIV-phobia.

    Hell, it's uncomfortable enough for me to think about it. Sometimes I think he'll be fine and doing okay, and that just enough time'll go by because we're both uber busy, and then I'm going to get a call saying that he's really sick. I think I'll just lose it at that point.

    The really weird thing is that we didn't keep in touch that much after he graduated from school and I moved here. Now that I know he's poz, I try to keep in touch better. That's pretty sad that it took a serious illness to get my friendship in check.
     
  6. Mephisto76

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    I have many friends who are HIV positive; gay, straight, men, women, some who were always safe, some who never thought they would be at risk (especially straight women). The first time you hear the news it is a shock. However, science is making progress. I have a colleague at work who has been positive since the 80's and thanks to treatment he is alive an kicking, and leading interesting projects in the fight against AIDS. If your friend has good access to healthcare, the he can be checked regularly and start treatment when he needs to. Good healthcare may lighten the financial burden of treatment, which sometimes is a tough thing to deal with. The toughest? stigma and discrimination. As I said, science has made a lot of progress, but humankind has not. We feel pity and solidarity for those with cancer and diabetes; we feel disgust and fear for those with HIV; and there really is no difference at all.

    My advice to you. Treat your friend like you have treated him all along. It will take time for him to digest the news (like it takes anyone to accept they have hipertension, diabetes, fatty liver, cancer, etc) and then life goes on. Don't bring the virus in every conversation; HIV is not what defines your friend from now on. Your friend may live longer than you for all you know. So just be a FRIEND.
     
  7. arthur

    arthur New Member

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    Sorry to hear about your mate. But I too have a best mate who is HIV pos. Has been for 11 years and is most of the time fine and well. He's got to take care of himself, seek medical and emotional guidance. It's not a 'death sentence' like it was way back when those of us who are old enough to remember the start. Keep well and strong for your mate.

    PS To those cunts, and you know who you are, who would like to derail this thread as an excuse to get all high and mighty and give lectures 'about playing with fire'. Fuck off, get a life and go 'judge' yourselves with your own 'values'. Thank you.
     
  8. Cybearia

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    Sorry to hear about your friend, buddy. But, like many have already said, HIV is not a death sentence, more a manageable chronic illness. Medication regimes have improved hugely. If he is "in the system", having regular maintenance checks and doesnt require any meds yet, then, in some respects, it is better for him than carrying on oblivious to having the virus and only discovering it once his health was affected adversely. Cold comfort I know, but every cloud has a silver lining somewhere.

    Keep giving him big hugs, I suspect at this stage they are more important to him than any tablet.

    May I also echo the sentiment of those who condemn the judgemental contributors. HIV can be contracted in any number of ways, not just through unsafe sex. Accidents can happen with condoms too, despite all intentions to be protected.

    Still, I suppose, having never taken a risk, ever, and never having been on the receiving end of other peoples judgement or prejudice, which may have given you some insight and empathy, you guys can stand on the moral high ground. The view must be magnificent from up there, right?
     
  9. mattsrod7

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    if he's HIV pos, he needs to start taking meds to slow its progression. like right now.
     
  10. cgttown

    cgttown Member

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    I found out my best friend from college was HIV positive 10 years ago. He got very ill and almost died from it, but that was right at the time they had found some of the med cocktails that were making progress (today things are even better). I was so pleased that he got healthy again and was able to return to work. Unfortunately, he died this year of an unrelated cancer--the irony of which did not escape him.

    So just know that HIV is not a death sentence. And, remember that all of us are human and we have no guarantees about tomorrow (or today for that matter).

    Best to you and your friend.
     
  11. SeeDickRun

    SeeDickRun New Member

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    All we can do is support, support, support, and let our friends know that we still care for them. The others are right. When that news is received, it's important to pass out hugs and compassion, and reassurance that we still care deeply for them.
    It's always a shame that it sometimes takes that kind of news to let others know how much we care about them. We should be doing that all the time!
    We need to leave loving and caring footprints on others souls throughout our lives. It's what makes living worthwhile.
     
  12. azladd

    azladd Active Member

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    I agree.
     
  13. blaquehorse

    blaquehorse New Member

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    So sorry to hear about your friend. Even with medical advancement and all, it is still a heart-wrencher. It is one of the most shocking news one can get.
    I hope he gets well and i wish him all the best.
    As for you, i know it hurts like hell, but don't be too hard on yourself. These things happen to folks. It certainly does not mean he is cursed. I wouldn't say it is "the punishment"
    Live well my friend.
     
  14. CuteBoiSAV

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    As a poz 25 year old who found out at 22, I can say, while I have no regrets, that it's rough. Meds aren't necessary yet, and could in fact start the infection mutating(that's what it does.) My body is naturally fighting it, and winning for now. You're friend needs to seek immediate mental health help. Believe me, as someone who reacted pretty neutrally to it, you can ask my mom or closest friends.... it has nearly destroyed what was left of me emotionally. It doesn't ravage the body, but it will destroy your soul and mind if you let it. If he's in NYC, there are AMAZING resources there for him! If you would like, I could talk to him, or you, and I can see if some of my friends, who are very involved in HIV/AIDS awareness, would care to help. There are vaccines in the works people, I think 2 are in stage 3 FDA testing(one of my best friends has been vaccinated.)

    People can and do judge harshly, I know, I live in South Carolina, haven't had sex in over a month, and haven't been on a date in a year... its rough, but it only takes a few good people to help you through it. And, you seem like a good friend for him to have. :D
     
  15. MrHangman

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    This makes me sad. :'(
     
  16. jpk338

    jpk338 Well-Known Member

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    You are NOT a doctor! so don't try to give medical advice where you have no knowledge of his medical status. there are times when meds aren't needed. this comes from a caregiver to hiv+ men and women thank you
     
  17. azladd

    azladd Active Member

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    Whats with the hostility? Something just need to be taken with a grain of salt. Ultimately the doctor will make the decision as to when the patience needs to start meds. I think we can all agree that there are times when meds are needed right away and when they are needed down the road. Everyone seems to have their own varied personal experiences. Neither person is wrong, it just depends on the stage of the infection. Again, ultimately the healthcare provider will determine that regardless of any recommendations on LPSG.
     
  18. D_Woody Wilson

    D_Woody Wilson Account Disabled

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    I've been positive for 26 years. I'm still healthy as an ox. Been on the meds for 15 years (95-now) and they work great! Your friend is positive in a new world. It's sad that there are still HIVphobic people out there, which really makes dating a minefield, but stick with it.. if your friend discloses before the dating process, then his rejection rate drops significantly. There are lots of positive and negative men out there who will love your friend for the man he is. I've been with my sero-opposite partner for 18 years, 9 months and 2 days today. One day either he will find his mate or his mate will find him. Wish him good luck from us!
     
  19. stlbigman

    stlbigman New Member

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    All i can say is this: I know i practice bareback sex with some men. I'm def not going to judge anyone on safe sex. But, if anyone knowingly practices unsafe sex (gay, st8, bi), you get what you deserve. And if I were to ever get the those 3 dreaded letters, I will not (nor should anyone else) throw a pity party for me. I don't deserve one. Period.
     
  20. durbantom

    durbantom Active Member

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    The reaction of take meds immediately is a normal reaction. Many medical people encourage HIV pos people to rather keep the immune system as strong as possible by correct nutrition and excercise. Only once the T cell count drops below a specific level, then ARV medication is given. ARV medications come with their own sets of problems and side effects. In my province the HIV infection rate is one of the highest in the world. Infection rates are between 40 & 60 percent. Hetrosexual transmission is the highest transmission. Here in South Africa the devastation is very plain to see. There are thousands of homes where all of the adults have died and children as young as 12 could be left to look after the younger children in the home. This is one big time-bomb. If thousands of children are rearing their siblings with no parental guidance, no parental love, and then having to even work as sex workers just to bring some crumbs home, we are all in serious sh!t. AIDs could eventually wipe out humans. There has been medical progress, but there is no cure in sight. It is very hard emotionally when you are told by a freind that they have AIDs. I have have had the horrific job of translating a doctor's diagnosis from English to Zulu, and seeing the result my words had on my friend..
     
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