Societal attitudes to high sex drives.

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by Drifterwood, Jul 27, 2010.

  1. Drifterwood

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2007
    Messages:
    15,724
    Likes Received:
    386
    Location:
    Fingringhoe (GB)
    Of course, this does also beg comparison to low sex drives, and I personally have been more shocked by how low many people's sex drives are, but we seem to be less judgemental of that, so I am concentrating on the attitudes, and sanctions perhaps, aimed at the high sex drive.

    Do you have any views and or experiences that you would like to throw into the ring? Are attitudes different to gay men and lesbian women? Are some with high drives better off in monogamy if they can find the right partner? and what of those who find themselves committed, but incompatible? Does the partner have a "duty" to deal with their partner's needs?

    Are we expected to control the drive, are there acceptable and unacceptable outlets for it, and who is to say which is which?
     
    #1 Drifterwood, Jul 27, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2010
  2. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2010
    Messages:
    9,873
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    NSW, Australia
    As a woman with a high sex drive, I've found that it isn't particularly well accepted (not amongst the people I've known anyway). This seemed particularly true when I was younger. When men speak about sex and needing some it seems to be accepted. When I do it, in the same situations, people look at me like I'm a freak (and sometimes call me one).

    People also seem disapproving if a woman has sex with many partners (not necessarily at once!), but if a girl is single how else is she supposed to get enough sex?!? It seems to me that people are more accepting of this in men.
     
  3. Drifterwood

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2007
    Messages:
    15,724
    Likes Received:
    386
    Location:
    Fingringhoe (GB)
    I think that you are almost certainly correct, SG. As far as I know, many people of the lunatic Kellogs' generation thought that women who need sex had some form of hysteria that could be cured by a cold shower rather than a hot cock. This certainly lingers on in more sexually conservative modern cultures.

    Your second point is also a good one. It illustrates what a lot of people, I am guessing with lower sex drives, do not appreciate, namely that jacking off or using toys is not a substitute for sex for many (I think) people.
     
  4. D_Gunther Snotpole

    D_Gunther Snotpole Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2005
    Messages:
    14,610
    Likes Received:
    5
    No doubt true, but I think things have changed hugely among younger people.
    Not that women are yet accorded as much right to be sexual, but the gap has been narrowed very substantially.
    Progress, albeit slow.
     
  5. D_Andreas Sukov

    D_Andreas Sukov Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2008
    Messages:
    2,933
    Likes Received:
    3
    I think younger people are not as accepting as people percieve. Alot of my friends, mostly male, think that im weird for having a high sex drive.

    My partner has a high sex drive and she thinks she is weird. Self-judgement just shows how strong society's view is.
     
  6. mclivin86

    mclivin86 New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2009
    Messages:
    49
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Freehold, NJ
    I agree 100% with this. As a girl who has a high sex drive I have been called alot of names over the years, whereas the horniest guys is just a "normal" guy.
     
  7. D_Fiona_Farvel

    D_Fiona_Farvel Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2007
    Messages:
    3,790
    Likes Received:
    17
    Interesting question! In the GLBT community I never encountered slut-shaming, not stating the attitude is unique to the straight community, but there seems to be a difference in how the attitude is expressed. For same-sex environments, I think some view the sexual libertine (somewhere there's a better word) as reflecting negatively on the whole community. Perhaps falling into some stereotypical behavior - from which the critic would like to achieve some distance.

    In the straight community, I find condemning attitudes to be infused with malice and an intent to harm the individual. Particularly where women are concerned, as I have found that women police and label the behavior of other women - not so much Lesbians - to cause damage.

    I think one can be committed and non-monogamous, if that's the deal in the relationship. However, finding *the one* is the dream, right? :shrug: Everyone has to find what works for their lives, and then communicate those needs to their partner and negotiate. Then negotiate more :biggrin1:, until there exists something each feels satisfied with, but one only has a choice, not a "duty", to engage in their partner's preferred activity(s).

    Outside of non-consensual activities, no one. Totally up to the individual.
     
  8. B_BeautifulDark

    B_BeautifulDark New Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2010
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    I think there in lies the rub.

    When ever hasn't it been a personal battle between the nurture of taught values verses the nature of inherent values?

    The happier human..IMHO...and with a long observation of this very thing....goes with the inherent nature.

    Sure it is a messy and bloody, costly battle to get there before the nurtured values get burned away..but still lessons can only be valued and only be learned when they mean something to the student.
     
  9. TomCat84

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2009
    Messages:
    3,497
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    32
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    San Diego, CA
    I do indeed think societal attitudes towards gay men who have high sex drives is particularly a harmful one. Gay men in general are often depicted by larger soceity as being maniacal child molestors bent on eating little children.
     
  10. badgirl22

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2008
    Messages:
    756
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    US
    Verified:
    Photo
    I love this question! I think in the US we are very uptight compared to other countries (in general). People with high sex drives are typically judged and looked down upon unless they are in a monogomous relationship. Discussing one's sex life seems to be a pretty taboo thing to do in general.

    Seems like most people talk about their significant other's lack of sex drive and somehow this topic of conversation is acceptable - perhaps because so many people can relate? But, take a single person with a high sex drive and immediately people start judging them.

    I left my husband after basically 13 years of no sex and wanted nothing more than to make up for lost time. I was open and honest about my desires to fullfill that need. I am not/was not ashamed of anything I did - no regrets at all. However, I'm blown away by how many people think I was just horrible to have gone out and had *relations* without a relationship. To me it's a basic human need and we all deserve to have a fullfilling sex life if we want it. As a single person I shouldn't have to apologize to anyone nor should I be judged for it - but of course I was/am. I just wonder who it is who gets to decide how many partners is *too many* or when it's okay and not wrong - this sort of thing drives me nuts. I'm not sure why people look at those with a high sex drive and judge. I see people doing a lot worse things out there like being deceitful, mean, etc. It's crazy. People need to losen up. Sex between consentual adults doesn't hurt anyone if both partners take precautions to keep healthy -

    I'm sure a loving relationship between two people (of any level of desire) makes sex great but that doesn't mean people who are not in love should not get to use those body parts that we were given and expected to use.

    Long winded and rambling - sorry
     
  11. Drifterwood

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2007
    Messages:
    15,724
    Likes Received:
    386
    Location:
    Fingringhoe (GB)
    I think that a lot of cultures are scared of this and I would say beyond the patriarchal stereotype. I think that some may even think that sexual liberation is anarchic, physically, mentally and spiritually.

    I find there to be something of a paradox between on the one hand being told that the mind should be able to control the baser physical needs and on the other, the expression and exploration of those needs leading to a better understanding of the self.
     
  12. TomCat84

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2009
    Messages:
    3,497
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    32
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    San Diego, CA
    Indeed, but human existence has been all about trying to regulate the balance between our baser instincts and our desire to become something more.
     
  13. cherychoper

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2010
    Messages:
    45
    Albums:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    NE USA
    Verified:
    Photo
    Badgirl, you are so right concerning this nation and the attitudes concerning people with high sex drives.

    My feeling is we are still being ruled by the standards imposed before birth control. The men of the world were always worried their children would not be "theirs" if the woman had a high sex drive. If a man wanted lots of sex it didn't matter as he could "sire" bastards and run.

    Why the attitudes have not evolved here is beyond me to understand, but it does seem to have moved forward in other parts of the world. I also do not understand the concern with the gay community, after all no children there so who knows why they are criticized.
     
  14. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    I have found much assistance in this reconciliation through the study of tantra-yoga. The insights gained are also useful in other areas of life. How each individual handles these natural urges is very important to overall health, mental and physical. There are also Taoist traditions regarding cultivation of sexual energies with which I am less familiar.

    None of these traditional approaches are as widespread as they should be IMO
     
  15. Bbucko

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2006
    Messages:
    7,413
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sunny SoFla
    In answer to the OP, there are no words in English that carry a positive connotation for a woman with a high sex drive, whereas men have the word "stud" :cool:

    Gay men apply slut-shaming to each other, too: not least of all on this site. We're absolutely fabulous about maintaining and perpetuating stigmas and other forms of self-loathing behaviors. The issue here, and I never seem to get a straight answer from anyone, is what constitutes "promiscuity"? Is it ten guys per year, per month, per week or per day? The very arbitrary and subjective labeling we do so often projects judgment and imposes stigma.

    Though I think TomCat's hyperbole about straight society's view of gay men is over the top (child-eaters?), the word "promiscuous" gets tossed about like so much confetti when we are mentioned, especially by social conservatives and the overly pious. HIV/AIDS was (and still is) seen as a somehow "appropriate" result of gays having too much sex so wantonly. This is partly regional and partly generational. The older and more southern someone is, the least likely s/he is likely to be "cool" about LGBTs, though there are pockets of bigotry everywhere: if Prop 8 could pass in CA in 2008, it shows how far we still need to come before acceptance is universal.

    BTW: I ***love*** the word "libertine", but then I've read my Sade :redface:

    The terrible way so many women treat so many other women never ceases to amaze me. Most of my early career was spent in majority-female environments and they were frequently viscous!

    It's funny though: I've never heard a lesbian call another one slutty. If anything, they tend to complain about a low sex drive in others, nothing too high.

    The minute sex becomes a "duty", it becomes a chore; there should be no such thing as "duty sex" in a relationship, but it's as common as rainwater. My last relationship endured nine years, though the last five or so were essentially sexless (not that the first four were nightly marathons, either) because of several reasons, but mostly because I began refusing duty sex after he gained an enormous amount of weight (about 150 lbs) very quickly (within 6-8 months) and simply could no longer find him appealing. As he continued to gain weight, the issue only got worse; I doubt we had sex more than five times in our last three years together.

    I've never started a relationship that began open nor ended one that remained closed, and I've had (depending on how they're defined) at least five "permanent" partnerships (lovers) in the past 33 years. Perhaps it's interesting (perhaps not) that during the nine-year relationship I wrote about above, I never strayed, he did. Despite my reputation before and since for being, as one person put it, "hypersexual", that was a period of near-total abstinence for me.
     
  16. vince

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 13, 2007
    Messages:
    14,785
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    539
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Asia
    And yet, paradoxically sex or sexiness is used to market almost every product imaginable. The multi-billion dollar fitness industry is based and sold largely on the premise that one can become more sexually attractive. It's a true premise as well. And this use of sexiness is well tolerated by mainstream media and most people.

    But. All to often, the second one starts to act on it, it's frowned on. Women are labeled sluts and men who have many partners are not trustworthy.

    "Get Sexy Six-Pack Abs in 8 Weeks"!... But don't you dare use them for their intended purpose.
     
  17. joe bltsflk

    joe bltsflk Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2009
    Messages:
    167
    Likes Received:
    0
    "Sex between consenting adults doesn't hurt anyone..."

    Yeah, but you have to find one!:biggrin1:

    Why does a high sex drive necessarily result in multiple partners anyway? I think what society disapproves of is promiscuity, with its inevitable results--
    STDs, unwanted pregnancy, the "Jersey Shore" reality show...
     
  18. rawbone8

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2004
    Messages:
    2,864
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    I regret the Nobel Prizes cast to the curb, in pursuit of sex drives.

    :rolleyes:
     
  19. D_Harry_Pitz

    D_Harry_Pitz New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2010
    Messages:
    446
    Likes Received:
    1
    Impossible to deny this.

    But on the other hand...

    Women with a high sex drive have it easier to find someone to drive their sex than men.

    And: use of toys for masturbation is more accepted for women than for men.


    Now how this applies to myself: when I'm single I usually have less sex than when I have a partner. But still I'm never frustrated for the lack of sex when I'm single, when I have a gf, I can be, allthough I'm getting laid more often...
     
  20. D_Harry_Pitz

    D_Harry_Pitz New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2010
    Messages:
    446
    Likes Received:
    1
    Word. I had a big fight once with my ex, because she suddenly started policing the shit out of some poor girl. Whereas, when men try this policing buisiness, they are thought of as insecure and jealous of the guy they are bashing.
    To make the story short. I gave my ex a big lecture about this, also calling her jealous of this girl.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted