Some advice

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by jameshawket, Jan 5, 2011.

  1. jameshawket

    jameshawket Member

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    So I'm writing this as a sort of desperate plea for help. I should preface this, I'm bi curious, and only three people know, but they are all under the assumption that I "fell out of that phase of my life" and don't know that I'm still interested in men.

    I recently got into a relationship with a girl who I really like, she's amazing, and I can see myself being with her for a long time. Over September and October, there was a guy I talked to, and he is bi, I really liked him, and we seemed to hit it off pretty well. We share a ton of interests, and he's extremely attractive, also someone that I could see myself being with (provided that I ever came out) One day, however, he kinda just dropped out of contact and I haven't heard from him since Thanksgiving, and I've tried to get a hold of him, but just can't seem to reach him. We didn't have any fights, and I know I didn't say anything to make him angry, but I know he got really busy so I kept making excuses about the situation.

    So that brings me to the present. I'm with this girl, and I really like her, but I still have it for this guy I talked to for those few months. I'm afraid right now, for a number of things.

    1)I'm afraid that my still liking him will end up driving a wedge between me and my girlfriend that doesn't need to be there.
    2) I'm afraid that I'm going to go down the "straight road" and someday I'm going to look back and think I made a mistake.
    3) I'm afraid that I might just risk it all to be with this guy, ruin my relationship with this girl, because her last boyfriend cheated on her after he proposed to her, I'll ruin my relationship with my family (as they are extremely religious and homophobic) or that this guy totally has lost interest in me and I create all this chaos for nothing.

    There are so many conflicting thoughts going on in my head right now, but there's no one in my life that I can talk to about any of this.

    So if you have any advice at all, I'd love to hear it.

    Thanks.
     
  2. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

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    Yeah..stay single and just be friends with her and nothing sexual or emotional untill you have gotten some clarity about your feelings either way..

    Either partner or whoever you meet deserves to be with someone who will be committed to them..

    Just because your bi..doesnt mean you have to go criss cross while you are with someone you know.. Just focus on one person at a time..when you are ready..whether that's a boy or a girl.

    But in my opinion you are not ready to settle for one person just yet..so you are either honest about it to her..or just go on your merry casual single way. Just make clear to anyone your dating you are not committing to anything and are just having fun..

    Don't make that girl fall in love with you...just stay in the friendzone..

    that's all I'm saying..

    PS and Yeah..you might lose her..yes..But there will be others..I promise..
     
  3. killerb

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    Tough spot for you - I feel for you.
    I actually have a close friend who's in a similar situation however his has become even more complicated/difficult.

    He HAS proposed to his gf but he's still in love with his ex-bf (and secretly cheats on her with the guy)

    I will give you the same advice I gave him.

    #1: Be honest with yourself. Do what you feel is right FOR YOU - not for your family or anyone else.

    #2: Be honest with your gf. If you truly care about her, you will see that she deserves to know the truth about who she is getting involved with - especially since she's been cheated on before. I'm not suggesting that YOU would cheat on her, too - just saying that it's extremely important that you don't hide a part of yourself from her.

    About the guy - you haven't heard from him in roughly 3 months - he could possibly already be involved with someone else. Right now, the only relationship btw you & him exists in your mind. It means nothing unless & until he knows how you feel & can let you know if he feels the same way.

    One thing you said stood out to me: You said that you're afraid that if you go down "the straight road" that one day you'll look back and regret it. This suggests that deep down inside you already know that a straight relationship isn't what you really want. This goes directly back to my #1 point of advice - be totally honest with yourself about what you really want.

    Take things slowly with your gf - don't rush into any decisions - and once you figure out what you really want, talk to her.
     
  4. killerb

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    and EmJay is right...good advice to follow there.
     
  5. noirman

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    This sums it up perfectly.
     
  6. shyguynz

    shyguynz New Member

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    Happy Late New Year everyone!! .. FML! i'm going through the same situation as you atm only difference is i'm single because I don't want to be in a situation like yours but thanks emjay and killerb for the advice hope things work out for you dude and I agree with the not wanting to ruin things with the family mine are the same completely homophobic and don't tolerate it at all!!
     
  7. Sharpone

    Sharpone New Member

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    Great advice everyone!
    My two cents is to try not to make this a crisis. Things are a big deal if we make them a big deal. You will get this sorted out...just give yourself some time to figure it out. When faced with a challenge I like to make as many options for myself as possible no matter how unlikely they might seem. I think our tendency is to do the opposite and force ourselves into a mental corner.

    This is a very common problem for people who are bi. Other societies aren't as homophobic as ours and relationships are based more on the person rather than the gender. In the US I think most people just go hetero because there is so much societal pressure. Not everyone has to get married and have children, which is drilled into us from childhood. You may opt to remain single dating both men and women in various relationships for your whole life. It's your life and you need to do what is best for you, not your parents or society.
     
  8. helgaleena

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    We all have some percentage of bi in us in order to be balanced human beings, even if it's only half of one percent. Be your own best friend and play loose and honest with everybody else. Do not be in some big hurry to pair up with some one-and-only, of either sex. So many people have more than one true love in their lives! Best if they are separated by chronology for everybody's comfort.
     
  9. B_patrickmcc

    B_patrickmcc New Member

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    Dont see how you can enter into a relationship with a woman until you deal with your curiousity. Most relationships require fidelity, and until you find out if you prefer men, this will be a problem.
     
  10. jameshawket

    jameshawket Member

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    Thank you so much everyone for the advice. It's definitely helping. Looks like I have a lot I need to process out.
     
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