A wife says to her husband your always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what the fück do you expect, your in a wheel chair. My girlfriend threw me out because she caught me measuring the size of my cock !! How petty is that. Anyway it turns out it just reaches the back of her sisters throat. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said i would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not fücking listening. My wife tried to be a bit sexy last night by shoving a lollipop up her fanny !! I told her to watch what she was doing because she would need it to see the kids across the road in the morning. Under new E.U. law the word " gypo " is no longer politically correct.. They have to be called ( caravan utilising nomadic travellers ) or C.U.N.T.S. for short. A man runs into a pet shop and lays a bomb on the counter and says you have two minutes to get out. A tortoise at the back says your a CünT. Murphy and Mary decided to try a 69 Murphy's never done one before, so Mary says i'll show you. She tells him to lie on the floor and she squats over him. as she lowers herself onto his face she farts apologising she tries again, but farts again. Murphy jumps up and storms away yelling. I'll be fücked if i'm hanging around for another 67 of them. I was shagging a girl over the kitchen table when we heard the front door opening. That's my husband she said “Quick try the back door”. I knew i should have left before her husband caught me, but there's no way i was refusing an offer like that !! The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So i have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. Best chat up line of 2011 as voted for by loose woman. I might have a small dick, but i can lick the crumbs from the bottom of a Pringles tin. Hey mate i don't want you to panic but i'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what i thought it was. A woman arrives at a party. While scanning the guests she spots an attractive man standing alone. She approaches him smiled and said hello, my name is CARMEN. That's a beautiful name he replied. Is it a family name? No she replied as a matter of fact i gave it to myself. It represents the things i enjoy the most. CARS & MEN. What's your name she asks ? He answers B.J. TITSENGOLF.