Sometimes get really tired of being the initiator

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Stephenmass, Aug 4, 2011.

  1. Stephenmass

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    Some history I guess. I have been in a relationship with my partner now for around 5 years (a bit more). Since the beginning I am always the one that initiates sex and now I find myself getting irritated that I am ALWAYS the one to start whatever sex we have together. I usually start it because I am attracted to him, I enjoy getting him off, I enjoy listening to him, basically I just love to be with him. Why doesn't he initiate being with me for the same reasons? I find myself quickly tiring lately of always being the initiator because I want him to see in me what I see in him if that makes any sense and then to take it from there. I swear sometimes if I didn't initiate sex (we probably have sex 4-6 times a week) we would probably never have sex. Should I be aggravated and is this a normal thing in gay relationships?
     
    #1 Stephenmass, Aug 4, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2011
  2. ccss

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    Hi Stephenmass, I would say on the surface that in a relationship, both partners should be considerate to each other's needs, and that would include both of you initiating sex. Have you spoken to him about how you feel? Because it's possible that he knows that he will be getting the sex and there is an assumption on his part that it will be coming and that it's become a routine and therefore he doesn't actively initiate it. (I'm not implying that the sex itself is routine or ho-hum, just that sex is part of your daily lives and he kind of expects that it will happen).

    Having said all that, I think having sex 4-6 times a week is quite frequent, especially if you've been together for 5+ years! It's great that you're still so into each other!
     
  3. Stephenmass

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    I think it's because I am the aggressor more or less. But every now and then I'd like to be submitting to his "moves". The sex is great and I love the guy and he never says no, so maybe I should just keep my mouth shut and stop complaining???
     
  4. molotovmuffin

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    Maybe you're just missing his ques? Like he's may say something verbal where you're wanting something physical.

    Maybe I'm totally wrong.:wink:
     
  5. aqua-illusion

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    Some people are just naturally more passive and enjoy others being the aggressor, I admit being the SOLE aggressive one might get tiring but like CCSS said, maybe talk to him and see what is up? Could be underlying issues? Or just tired? Or his sex-drive isn't as high as yours but since you're constantly horny he might feel bad saying no or hurt your feelings? ...lots of scenarios. :D
     
  6. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    I once had a partner who didn't initiate. When I stopped initiating, we stopped having sex. It sucked. I wouldn't recommend it.

    Apologies for being all miserable and unhelpful :redface:.
     
  7. MrHangman

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    Everybody is different. I don't have a very high sex drive, so my girlfriend used to always be the one to initiate the sex every time. I'd always comply, but sometimes I wouldn't want it and she'd keep grabbing at my dick and I'd keep telling her to stop, to the point where I yelled at her because it felt a little bit like rape. I'm not going to complain about being desired by my significant other, but that night I just really wasn't feeling it.

    I never had a problem with her being the initiator all of the time, but the next morning she had a talk with me. She said that she felt like I don't desire her and that she hated to always be the one to initiate sex, especially if I was going to reject her.

    So now I meet her halfway. Sometimes I initiate the sex. And I always comply with her. The only downside is that I don't always feel very sexy, so I know I'm not giving it my all. I'm doing it for her, and I should be happy that I'm making her happy, but since I'm not in the mood, sometimes I start to feel animosity towards her and the sex.

    I mean, I don't know why I shared any of this. It's probably an entirely different situation between my girlfriend and I and you and your boyfriend. But the bottom line is, you should talk to him about it. Don't try to read his mind or get advice from others. Just get the truth, hopefully you're with someone who is open and honest with you.
     
  8. D_JohnUpHerPipe

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    I would definately innitiate if i had someone who looked like you! Maybe he just likes to submit to you more, i don't know him so can't say. The only way you are going to understand what is going on in his head though is to ask him, you can guess and worry and moan all you want, but really you are best just speaking. If it is an issue, talk about it before it becomes a problem, people speak to random others on the internet far too often nowadays, turn to the man you love and ask him, not some stranger.

    All we will do is give our stories and opinions on what you are experiencing, our thoughts do not matter, it is your man's that matter, so just ask him for them. :)

    And good luck, sincerely hope you sort this out! (Our support counts for something)
     
  9. Stephenmass

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    Thanks to the few that responded to this. I appreciate it. Mr Hangman, you let me see the flip side if you will because your other half "was" the initiator. I hope he doesn't feel as you felt; I mean I don't mind the very occasional I'm very tired and gotta get up in the morning here and there..hell sometimes we do "quickies" because we both have to get up pretty early.

    Mr Hangman again this statement that you said...

    "I never had a problem with her being the initiator all of the time, but the next morning she had a talk with me. She said that she felt like I don't desire her and that she hated to always be the one to initiate sex, especially if I was going to reject her."

    My feelings are what she said; although he never rejects me, every now and then as you "kinda" say, I could tell he just wasn't into it. To feel "not desired" and not "sought after sexually" by your significant other is frustrating. How come "the way I feel here" he doesn't sexually come after me the way I come after him? Must be something wrong with me kinda thinking. But you seem to have set me straight here...no pun intended and I thank you.

    Curiousboy you put it very well. I always advocate communication...maybe I'm guilty of not communicating enough myself. Well done!!

    He is "so right" in all other aspects of our lives together...thoughtful, considerate, makes me laugh, etc. Maybe you guys are ALL right....maybe he enjoys me being the aggressor. I don't mind, that much I'll say, but I guess it would be cool to just once in awhile, kick back and let him "do what he will" with me!!

    Again thanks ALL!
     
  10. rbkwp

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    Since the beginning I am always the one that initiates sex and now I find myself getting irritated that I am ALWAYS the one to start whatever sex we have together. I

    Should I be aggravated and is this a normal thing in gay relationships?



    Stephenmass
    haha sorry man
    am Lafffing with you & your experiences
    Why
    well i can assure you its more than likely your partner will Never' be the initiator, if he is anything like i was ha

    I had the exact same partner as you are to him
    AND
    try as my partner did for years and years ( 8 it was actually) i was just too damn lazy to be the initiator haha
    just as auto in us to not be as it was in him/you to be, i am afraid
    i started to believe it was just the way our relationship was formed and would be forever
    dont think at all i was being selfish re it all either
    Know its not funny for you, but unfortunately that was how it was, and ended
    Oh my Memories, but many GOOD times, thanks to his initiating
    Cheers
    enz

    ps
    i dont think its being inconsiderate on our part .. and i have met others who are even less inclined to initiate than me, god forbid
    but its there.
     
  11. Wrat

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    What I have noticed is that people fit themselves and their ideas of their role in a relationship, pretty quickly. I will use the dish analogy. That is: if it is your job to do the dishes every day, and you get sick and somebody else does it for you for a few days, when you get well it is very easy to walk past a sink full of dishes without thinking of it as being your job to wash them. Everything is like that. It might not even be that you dislike doing dishes, it's just that if there is something that is done for you, and you don't have to think about it, and you still receive a benefit from the relationship even when you don't carry your weight, you won't do it on your own initiative. This is not a harmful tendency if you can have an adult conversation about it. Telling your partner that you want him to initiate sex more often is a good start, but don't be surprised if he doesn't stat doing it until he is asked several times. It's habit.
    Good luck.
     
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