Son came out of closet

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by SandraSmithCarver, Jan 2, 2010.

  1. SandraSmithCarver

    SandraSmithCarver New Member

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    Hi all, my 18 yr old son recently told me through tears,that he is bisexual, but he leans more towards the "gay" side....I told him it didnt matter to me, but it does to him, he says hes "not sopposed to be this way" !!! It broke my heart, does anyone one who is Gay or Bi have any suggestions for forums he can go to, or books he can read? He wont go in to couseling, I feel very sad for him :frown1:
     
  2. BrownStallion

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    Try to be as supportive as you can. I think that is the most important thing to do. Im not sure about anything else but that is the most important. I know Family is the hardest to come out to. Hes 18 so he is very young. Hes not really going to understand it. Dont push him too hard to know what he is thinking.
     
  3. gurjeevan

    gurjeevan Member

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    please don't do that. I am not gay all i know is that it will drive him further away. He needs to learn to be comftble with in his self. The only thing i can suggest that may be helpful would be to get him to get some more gay and bi freinds. But seriously don't bringe him a book, it will just embrass him.
     
  4. green carnation

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    whatever you do dont offend him by saying 'real men eat pussy'
     
  5. jpk338

    jpk338 Well-Known Member

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    does he come to this site? if so, i suggest you change your avatar for awhile. also for me when i adopted the phrase " to thine own self be thru " things in life started to become easier to accept. i have to make my own decisions and live my life the way i see it ,not as others do. my prayers are with your son and family
     
  6. B_henry miller

    B_henry miller New Member

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    Something I deal with as well. Being bisexual is difficult because you are so close to being what mainstream society wants: straight.

     
  7. B_henry miller

    B_henry miller New Member

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    To answer your question more directly: I think all you can do is what you've done, tell him you're there for him and accept him as he is. If he wants to go to counseling, he can find that on his own. In today's age we have the Internet, Amazon.com, etc. There is all kinds of information out there if he wants it. But he probably needs to be the one to seek it out. The feeling of "I shouldn't be this way" is something most gays and bisexuals struggle with at some point in their lives (some for all of their lives) because they have internalized what society has taught them. It's a personal struggle.

     
  8. sexplease

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    To feel sad is understandable. But rather, feeling excitement - that he is "cutting the apron strings" and beginning a journey onto his own path of uniqueness, might help encourage him.

    “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.”

    (Ambrose Redmoon)

    Why does he think he should be this or that?
    because his true self is looking for modes of expression.

    Why does he feel this way or that?
    only he can ever answer that. and that takes experiences - people, places, things, situations, ideas, relationships and just about anything he can take in to his life now.

    I think we are sponges in our youth taking in everything an on to having wild fun in our 20's, eliminating the flotsam in our 30's, focusing more in our 40's, perfecting in our 50's and, well, I haven't gotten too far into my 50's yet to go on. but I look forward to more.

    Our uniqueness always adds to family, friends and ultimately the world community.
    but stepping ahead where our heart and desires of wont is less formidable when we know our friends and family are next to us -if not literally, but in heart, as we lead our own paths.

    I have always found comfort and support in the works of Kahlil Girbran's
    The Profit.
    Kahlil Gibran The Complete Prophet Poems

    growing takes time. Give time, time.
    and please keep us posted on your growing as well.

    M★
     
  9. Brensta

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    He has crossed the biggest hurdle now, telling you. But he himself needs time to deal with the fact he has told you. Let him find his way, let him know you love him and you are there for him no matter what he needs, in time he will be OK with himself, and then later on when the reaction of others will be more important to him since he has accepted himself, If he knows you accept him it will help him.

    Is that avatar of yours just for fun or is it actually an ethos you live by, because if it this, that might be a big part of your son's problem, if he has grown up to think that "Real men eat pussy"
     
    #9 Brensta, Jan 2, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2010
  10. Rowan Ravenseed

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    Comfort him, tell him there is no wrong or right and that he shouldn't be one way or the other that he should be only who he wants to be. Tell him that you love him for everything he is.

    Do some research on some of the many great minds that were gay/bisexual show him that gay men and women contribute to this world equally and being gay isnt something to be ashamed of.
     
  11. B_bigleggy

    B_bigleggy New Member

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    Reminding him that he is and always be the capable person that he already is. His gender will not change that. It is just a new question in his life to develop further understanding of. Reminding him that all genders have a diversity od personalities,
    he does not have to change his identity to fit a mold just keep being himself.
     
  12. joeweekend

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    Get him a nice boyfriend, show him you like said boyfriend, and he'll come around.
     
  13. Chase1600

    Chase1600 Member

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    You can help a lot. The two of you have a great advantage in his having told you.

    Remember that at age 18 he is just moving out of a stage of adolescence in which we are very subject to being defined. Who will I be, what am I going to be? And it is usually all or nothing at that age. It is not an easy age to deal with being exceptional, unless one is the captain of the football team.

    If he told you through tears, said it’s not supposed to be this way, and broke your heart, I guess that means the two of you are less than cheerful at the prospect, but assuming it is true, than you have no choice but to consider the possibilities for gay people to have very rewarding lives.

    You might want to learn what prompted the discussion. For example, why does he think he is bi-sexual or gay and has something occurred recently to make him feel a discussion was necessary? Has he been having feelings for someone? Has there been an actual incident? In either case, be careful to respect his privacy and integrity. He is quite old enough to be having feelings for a specific person and for something to have occurred. I can’t imagine the two of you want to discuss any intimacies, but it is reasonable to want to have some general idea about what has happened.

    If something is occurring, it may be as important to be there for him in dealing with that as it is to be adapting to the idea that he will be living a life somewhat different from what he, and his family, might have expected.

    I can’t imagine what good it would do to seek counseling about being gay; but counseling could be very appropriate for any one having difficulty being who they are or having to deal with crisis brought on because of who they are.

    My presumption is that because of his age his telling you that he is bisexual but leans more to the gay side is basically saying he thinks he’s gay. Time will tell. There will be opportunities to be attracted to people, of either gender, and in time if he is bi-sexual, he’ll experience attractions to men and women. If he’s going to experience being bi-sexual, and has experience attractions to girls, he wouldn’t have brought up the subject, so surely the issue relates to attractions to guys.

    I am gay and age 68. Most gay people whom I know have had lives every bit as successful and meaningful - or not - as their straight friends and family. There are a few particular complications. For example, kids who are thrown out of the home and on the streets before they are ready to be adults can continue to have real struggles as adults. People, who on realizing they are gay, embrace exaggerated stereotypes may find themselves pretending to be what they think being gay is and find themselves forgetting to discover who they are.

    One last thought: for much of our lives, our sexuality is about many things, but nothing more so than finding someone to love who will love us the same. What ever it is that you help your son understand about becoming the man he is about to become, I hope the two of you appreciate that in saying he leans gay, he is realizing something about the person whom we hope will be the love of his life.

    I think that real men or women really do want to “eat” the person they love.
     
  14. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    Hug him close and then let him go.

    You've done what you can for him: reassured him that you love him and that, for you, nothing's changed. Now, what he needs is to connect with some healthy, happy, well-adjusted gay and/or bi-guys and talk it out with them. Encourage him to do so.
     
  15. BIGDP

    BIGDP Member

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    In my opinion, if he's upset, then he needs all the more love and support and room to be himself and all the freedom that you can give him. I wish my parents were more like you when I came out. After I did it, we just never talked about it again.

    I would certainly encourage but not push counseling. When it was suggested to me by my wonderfully supportive sister-in-law, in my turmoil, I misunderstood her to mean I should get counseling because there was something wrong with me...not that it would help me sort things out and feel better about myself. She was wonderful enough to help me quickly make that distinction. We're absolutely best friends and my brother (her husband) is my favorite sibling. I'm exceptionally grateful I have them.

    I'm confident things will be OK for your son and you! In my experience, it just takes a little time to work through stuff.

    Best wishes and Happy New Year, and I hope you will keep us posted!

    (PS: I have a tear or two in my eyes because I know how he might feel.)
    BIGDP
     
    #15 BIGDP, Jan 2, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2010
  16. B_lrgeggs

    B_lrgeggs New Member

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    I read your post and it made me cry. I know exactly how he feels and it is very painful. My suggestion is that you go to counseling first. Maybe that will encourage
    him to be more open. One thing I do think he has being a younger guy is that he does not have to deal with the stigma that previous generations have. And yes...I would take off the "Real Men...." Avitar as well. I have to tell you it took a lot of courage for your son to tell you something that must have been something very painful to keep as a secret...good luck to you...Keep us posted as to how he's doing.
     
  17. rbkwp

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    18 i think is a good age for him to be open to you
    16 perhaps a little young, older .. well thats fine also
    I think if he had enough confidence to confide in his Mum (no small task) at this age,
    he will now have enuf strength & confidence to approach Gay organisations fellowships clubs etc
    With your subtle encouragement
    Could be a good time for him to meet Decent Mature Members of the Gay Community
    all the BEST for him & yourself
    enz
    --Personaly i would be very wary of Counselling
    Whats that all about..next thing it will be recommended he go onto Meds etc..???
    what ..to cope with something thats more than natural'
    grrrrrrrrrrrrrr'
     
  18. B_ccc888

    B_ccc888 New Member

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    Unconditional Love and Acceptance is the key !

    No matter what is your preference and sexual orientation, you're still my son, I am proud of you and I love you so much............
     
  19. BIGDP

    BIGDP Member

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    Just to clarify about recommending counseling...I am speaking of my own experience and not SandraSmithCarver's or her son's experience.

    My own experience was that at that point in my life (about age 17) I had very low self esteem and realizing I was gay did not do anything to help that situation. For me, counseling helped me realize that: a) I was not a freak; b) there were others who felt the way I did; and c) I could have a fulfilling life regardless of my sexual identity...in other words, I did not have to be defined by my sexual identity, but that I was David P., an individual who is good, intelligent, and has a contribution to make in this world.

    These were things I NEVER KNEW...certainly not from my parents...for whatever reason...but I came to understand this through counseling.
    Meds??? Who knows? They may or may not be indicated. It's not my place to say.

    Cheers to all!
    DP
     
  20. BIGDP

    BIGDP Member

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    By the way, I just subscribed to this thread. The subject means a lot to me.
    DP
     
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