Son came out of closet

[SandraSmithCarver]

gay, straight, bi are adjectives. adjectives mean different things to different peopple. they are not labels.

sexuality is a spectrum from 100% heterosexual, to 100% homosexual. very few people are at the extremes of the spectrum, most are comfortable some way in between.

your son is somewhere on that spectrum, where he wants to be is up to him. explain this to him.

welcome his friends to your home, if they stay overnight let him know that you don't care what sex they are.

He has no male friends of any kind and says all the gay guys at school are flamers, and he hates that. He has already said, he doesnt think he can have sex with a girl, but definitly with a guy, he says he is attracted to penises.
Its his "cross to carry" , but I want him to know he is not alone, I have several gay and lesbian cousins, spread out across the USA. as his mothger, I have always had suspicions he was gay, he said he knew at the age of 6, so I wasn't suprised as I think most mothers aren't. I am taking it one day at a time

 

[SandraSmithCarver]

Just to clarify about recommending counseling...I am speaking of my own experience and not SandraSmithCarver's or her son's experience.

My own experience was that at that point in my life (about age 17) I had very low self esteem and realizing I was gay did not do anything to help that situation. For me, counseling helped me realize that: a) I was not a freak; b) there were others who felt the way I did; and c) I could have a fulfilling life regardless of my sexual identity...in other words, I did not have to be defined by my sexual identity, but that I was David P., an individual who is good, intelligent, and has a contribution to make in this world.

These were things I NEVER KNEW...certainly not from my parents...for whatever reason...but I came to understand this through counseling.
Meds??? Who knows? They may or may not be indicated. It's not my place to say.

Cheers to all!
DP

Thank you DP, that is what counseling is SOPPOSED to do, Im glad it helped you, my son is at a point, where he probably needs to hear from others like him

 

[FuzzyKen]

The first thing you need to do is to take the time to tell your son how proud you are of him for summoning up the courage to tell you. What he just did is one of the toughest times in the lives of most gay individuals. It took great courage and it was a time on his life, a moment of incredible levels of fear. stress and anxiety.

I would tend to side with those who are against any form of formal counseling at this point in time. One of the largest problems with counseling and or people in this profession is that they bring their own personal life and hence prejudices to the job. This is one area where many in the field do not impart help to the patient, but impart their own views.

If you feel that some counseling is necessary I also side with and agree with the opinions regarding PFLAG.

Right now your son is going to be very unsure of himself and he is going to have a great deal of anxiety and fears regarding his own place in life and the world. As you remain supportive of the situation and over time as his mind is more at ease many things will begin to rectify themselves.

There are a great number of challenges he will face, and he must absolutely understand that there are many even in his own age bracket that do not observe good common sense when it comes to safe sex practices. There are also many individuals out there who play their own games, but sadly these games may impact others.

Again PFLAG meetings on occasion explore all of this and surprisingly your son might meet some people at these meetings that will help him transition into full acceptance while maintaining common sense with regards to the actions of others with less honorable intentions.

One other major thing.

"Coming-Out" is a process and is not really a single "act". It involves self admission, self-acceptance, and finally self-realization and finding himself and his place in the world in the process.

One thing I have seen take place is that sometimes a teen is tempted to come out with a "bang". Sadly, in this country, bigotry and homophobia are still alive and well. I have always subscribed to a rule and that is that in the beginning "coming out" is on an absolute "need-to-know" basis. While it worked well for you and you were accepting and loving, there may be others in the family which will not have the same viewpoint. He must learn to choose wisely whom it is that are allowed to share in the most intimate details of his life. He needs to consider what these individuals did in his life to EARN THE PRIVILEGE of being in possession of that information. He needs to undertand that knowing that intimate information on that level is not a right, it is a privilege only granted by him. An illustration may be as follows:
It would be the same as you yourself discussing what your own personal likes and dislikes would be in sexual intercourse and foreplay with your parents or grandparents. His big enemy in the beginning is "T.M.I" or too much information.

I remember many many years ago a very good friend of mine had an absolute traumatic time with his parents. He had expected his Mother to be loving and accepting and his Father to completely freak out. What happened was the absolute opposite. He and his Mother nearly lost their relationship for a period of years. His Father later confessed to him that he had known for years, but because he was not certain he did not address the issue with his Mother. The Marriage with the two parents actually ended over the Son's orientation. The Father would not put up with the Mother trying to bring in the Religion Monster and hit the poor Son with guilt on every single visit. Those of a Religious mind-set will not hesitate to attack your Son on this issue.

I am 57 years old and I can tell you that I did not have an easy time of it either. You need to be there with support AND guidance to help him avoid the pitfalls. He also needs to be reassured that your guidance does not come from any form of not accepting him or his orientation, it comes from knowing the occasionally unpredictable nature of people as an adult with far more life experience.

Check out PFLAG and learn more about thsm just for good measure.

Hope that you and your Son have a great and productive New Year.

 

[SandraSmithCarver]

I read your post and it made me cry. I know exactly how he feels and it is very painful. My suggestion is that you go to counseling first. Maybe that will encourage
him to be more open. One thing I do think he has being a younger guy is that he does not have to deal with the stigma that previous generations have. And yes...I would take off the "Real Men...." Avitar as well. I have to tell you it took a lot of courage for your son to tell you something that must have been something very painful to keep as a secret...good luck to you...Keep us posted as to how he's doing.

Thank You, I have been in counseling off and on for years, so was one of his older brothers. So it is an ok thing in our family. He is very open with me and always has been. He is the youngest of 3 boys, and he was a mommas boy probably until; about 12. He was my baby and I nursed him until the age of 3 and he went everywhere with me!
He is growing up, but we are still close

 

[Onslow]

Hi all, my 18 yr old son recently told me through tears,that he is bisexual, but he leans more towards the "gay" side....I told him it didnt matter to me, but it does to him, he says hes "not sopposed to be this way" !!! It broke my heart, does anyone one who is Gay or Bi have any suggestions for forums he can go to, or books he can read? He wont go in to couseling, I feel very sad for him :frown1:

Good for him! You are clearly a good mom since he felt he could tell you this even though he isn't happy about being gay. It took me many years longer to get that far and I wish I;d had the guts to speak so early on.

Just be there for him, don't push he will adjust over time and don't seem sad in front of him because he might think it's because he's gay and is disappointing youu. Don't act too happy, just be the same mom you have always been caring about his well being and loving him. And I am glad that you read the link from LEX it is very informing and moving.

 

[flame boy]

Good for him! You are clearly a good mom since he felt he could tell you this even though he isn't happy about being gay. It took me many years longer to get that far and I wish I;d had the guts to speak so early on.

Just be there for him, don't push he will adjust over time and don't seem sad in front of him because he might think it's because he's gay and is disappointing youu. Don't act too happy, just be the same mom you have always been caring about his well being and loving him. And I am glad that you read the link from LEX it is very informing and moving.

A really great point.

 

[Lex]

AMAZING story Lex!

Thanks, Hon. It certainly did not always feel amazing at the time. It has been the most rewarding journey of my life.

He seems to be doing better now, maybe it helped for him to tell someone. He told his best friend first-a girl. Im sure there will be more to come, he doesnt want to ever tell his Dad but knows he will have to eventually, along with the rest of the family. We are taking it day by day at the moment, thank you for asking XX :wink:

I remember the anxiety (read: near panic) after I told my parents and a few close friends. It's that feeling of no longer being in control of the information. Once you put it out there, it travels and you can no longer spin it. Eventually, we all come to terms with the fact that there is no need to spin anything. It is what it is.

... just be the same mom you have always been caring about his well being and loving him. ...

I second what Flamey said. My mom insisted that she now needed to love me more since the world would treat me worse. When we spoke on the phone in the next few days, she told me how much she could hear me smiling (and I was). I'll never forget that.

Sandra - Please keep us posted on his progress.

 

[Coolhunter]

Let him work out his own feelings..and lend your ear and shoulder if he needs it, but what a great attitude as a mum you have !

CH

 

[stlbigman]

Let me give you a perspective from the seemingly only 100% gay man in this forum. First, he felt comfortable enough to tell you that he's bisexual. You should be honored by that. Is he gay? Probably but I don't know your son and I'm not sure he knows yet. I hope and pray he figures it out sooner than later. I know as a mom that you hurt seeing your kid hurt.
I remember I had to work through my issues of transitioning from straight to gay. I was gay and I fought it for years and it nearly destroyed me in the process. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. Maybe you can get him into counseling. I know cost is issue right now. In some communities you can get the cost of a psychologist/psychiatrist reduced on a sliding scale. Check out some local churches and see if they can defray the cost.
Bottom line, be there for him. Only he can make that decision on his sexuality. You can be a good rudder on his ship in life. Good luck to you and him. God bless.

 

[sexplease]

Now, you two need to go to a museum, or arboretum and have a day just taking in some aesthetics. It's good for the spirit. and ya never know who you might meet.
The world is a great place and life is good.

 

[horneyoldguy]

At least he came out and you can be supportive and show him the parental love he needs right now - My brother was gay, but didn't come out until he was dying of AIDS. He feared being rejected by his family. He probably was right because one brother did not acept his gayness and my father, who had died 5 years earlier, would have reacted pretty much the same way. My mother and I became his care-giver. He lived with my mother until he died and my wife and I would see him one or two times a week. We saw that his will was drawn up, funeral arrangements were made and took care of all his bills untilo his passing. I still mourn him and miss him every day and wish I had told him more how much I loved him as a brother. He has been dead for 15 years.

 

[CuriousFem]

Hi all, my 18 yr old son recently told me through tears,that he is bisexual, but he leans more towards the "gay" side...

I write this as a gay man who came out around the same age as your son is now, and as a person who later went on to become a peer counselor (for sexuality issues) in college and grad school. In my opinion, a person in your son's position needs:

(1) a source of unconditional support; and
(2) a way to meet people like himself.

You and your son's close friend can provide the support. As you already know, he needs to know that he can be gay, bi, or even (gasp!) straight, and you'll be more than fine about it. Plus, he should know that he can take as long as he wants to figure it out. He may describe himself as bi today but change that label later. He doesn't have to commit to one or the other now!

The second thing he needs is to meet people like himself, which seems like it will not happen on its own, since he does not find any kinship with the "flamers" that he knows at school.

If I were his confidant, I would encourage him (and help him) to find GLBT events and organizations where he can meet a broader spectrum of gay teens. I'd bet there are gay teens like him at his own school, but they are invisible because they are not "flamers". So he needs to expand his social circle. This has the side benefit of developing his social skills as well, such as the ability to have a conversation with someone you have just met. As adults, we often take such skills for granted.

I wish your son and you the best. There has been some good advice given in this thread, and your job will be to filter out the ones that are right for your son.

HB

PS -- I'd avoid directing him to any websites other than ones for local GLBT organizations if I were in your shoes. I know that the "S" in LPSG stands for "support", but come on now, people. The kind of support this guy needs has nothing to do with his "P", whether it's "L" or otherwise. :smile:

 

[SandraSmithCarver]

I write this as a gay man who came out around the same age as your son is now, and as a person who later went on to become a peer counselor (for sexuality issues) in college and grad school. In my opinion, a person in your son's position needs:

(1) a source of unconditional support; and
(2) a way to meet people like himself.

You and your son's close friend can provide the support. As you already know, he needs to know that he can be gay, bi, or even (gasp!) straight, and you'll be more than fine about it. Plus, he should know that he can take as long as he wants to figure it out. He may describe himself as bi today but change that label later. He doesn't have to commit to one or the other now!

The second thing he needs is to meet people like himself, which seems like it will not happen on its own, since he does not find any kinship with the "flamers" that he knows at school.

If I were his confidant, I would encourage him (and help him) to find GLBT events and organizations where he can meet a broader spectrum of gay teens. I'd bet there are gay teens like him at his own school, but they are invisible because they are not "flamers". So he needs to expand his social circle. This has the side benefit of developing his social skills as well, such as the ability to have a conversation with someone you have just met. As adults, we often take such skills for granted.

I wish your son and you the best. There has been some good advice given in this thread, and your job will be to filter out the ones that are right for your son.

HB

PS -- I'd avoid directing him to any websites other than ones for local GLBT organizations if I were in your shoes. I know that the "S" in LPSG stands for "support", but come on now, people. The kind of support this guy needs has nothing to do with his "P", whether it's "L" or otherwise. :smile:

thanks

 

[SandraSmithCarver]

At least he came out and you can be supportive and show him the parental love he needs right now - My brother was gay, but didn't come out until he was dying of AIDS. He feared being rejected by his family. He probably was right because one brother did not acept his gayness and my father, who had died 5 years earlier, would have reacted pretty much the same way. My mother and I became his care-giver. He lived with my mother until he died and my wife and I would see him one or two times a week. We saw that his will was drawn up, funeral arrangements were made and took care of all his bills untilo his passing. I still mourn him and miss him every day and wish I had told him more how much I loved him as a brother. He has been dead for 15 years.

Thanks for sharing your story, its very sad, thank God it seems to be accepted more easily these days. but I never realized how very painful it is

 

[briman]

dont worry if he likes both women and guys their is nothing wrong with that dont let the asshole guys tell you anything elso people have beautiful bodys and their is nothing wrong with that!!!!!!! He is fine in fact He is better then most people

 

[sexplease]

like Woody Allen said, "being bisexual doubles my chances for a date on Saturday night."