Son is smoking

[TaigaStar]

I'd ask him when he started and why he sees an appeal. Maybe even ask how often and tell him you don't like that he does it. He's 20, so by all standards, he's an adult; however, he is your son, and you are entitled to have an opinion. While you likely can't force him to stop, you can possibly ensure he only does it when he's not home.

Another option you could try if you want to be a hardass is to say "If you have money for cigarettes, you have money to pay rent for living here." My aunt tried it on my cousin... it didn't work, but it showed she had a stand that gave him a little scare.

 

[Viking_UK]

If you go in all guns blazing, chances are he'll dig his heels in and smoke more to spite you. (I did. Childish, I know, but...)

All you can really do is let him know you'd rather he didn't smoke. By all means, ban it in your home and ask him not to smoke around you, but don't do the coughing and waving your hand in front of your face thing. That will probably make matters worse.

Find out why he smokes and how many. You never know, he may only have one now and again if he's had a bad day, in which case, it's probably going to cause more hassle than it's worth if you have a go at him for it.

The bottom line is that you have no authority over him and you can't force him to stop. If you try, he will probably end up resenting you. If you can, have a mature and reasoned discussion about his smoking. If you fly off the handle or start nagging or threatening him, it will be counterproductive, so if you think that's going to happen, don't do it. Even if you think you know best, you've got to step back and allow him to make his own decisions. He's of an age where you've got to respect his choices and let him live his own life. You can ask him not to smoke in your presence, and ban smoking in your home - after all, your house, your rules - but don't be surprised or upset if he smokes in front of you when you go to visit him.

"I wish you wouldn't do that" is often more effective than "Don't do that" when you're dealing with someone in their teens or early 20s.

 

[D_Tim McGnaw]

Wow amazed at the number of people in this thread who seem to think a parent has the right to direct or try to influence the behaviour of their son who is 20 year old grown man. I wonder if there would be so much "helpful" advice if the complaint was that this grown man enjoyed drinking alcohol?

 

[TopDudeFtl]

LOL! I did wonder, myself...

Good advice, maybe he will come to his senses like you did. I wish I could say the same for myself.

"Great minds..." my friends. :biggrin1:

 

[B_thickjohnny]

At 20 he might be smoking because all his friends are smoking - or maybe the ones who influence him the most. I'd make sure he knew you disapproved and insist, as mentioned earlier, that he can not smoke in your presence. That, at the very least, should show parental respect on his part.

My brother didn't dare smoke in front of our dad but after he was married I guess he thought he could. My dad never said a word. Now, my brother no longer smokes but his 20 year old son left a pack of cigarettes in his car. My brother saw them and said that if he ever saw him smoking my nephew would shit tobacco for a week. (My brother is a cop and means what he says!)

My dad told us a story that his dad (my grandfather, God rest his soul) caught my dad smoking when he was young and made my dad eat the cigarettes. My dad said he puked for hours and never touched a cigarette again!

 

[ManlyBanisters]

Twit.

Twit? LOL, very polite wording MB, you are mellowing

Not a chance - merely being appropriate, the offence only merited a 'twit'. :wink:

 

[lopo2000]

Asking not to smoke will just create "boomerang effects" where people are naturally resistant to direct order from someone they don't perceive to be the authority (sadly, some children don't think their parents are true authorities). Try to convince him that you know how he feels that makes him have the urge to smoke, putting yourself in his shoes is the keypoint here. Try to make your request for him to stop two-folded, one from his point of view, and another one is from you. When you include his perspective on this, persuasion is more likely to ensue.

 

[B_Lightkeeper]

Maybe you can find some photos of a damaged lung from a smokers autopsy.
Not a pretty sight.

 

[RedScrotum]

$5.50 per pack, One pack per day, 30 days per month= $165. Thats a payment on a brand new cheap-ass car. You do the math, kid, you're in college. Do you want to give a couple of grand a year to Phllip Morris for absolutely nothing?

 

[Gillette]

Ask him to do a little math.

cost of a pack of cigs x frequency of purchase

6.00 x 365 days = 2190.00
x 40 years because cigarette addiction is difficult to quit = 87,600.00

That's not even accounting for inflation and additional taxation that will be sure to go into effect with the health care bill.

Ask him if he can think of anything he would rather put that money toward?

 

[Gillette]

$5.50 per pack, One pack per day, 30 days per month= $165. Thats a payment on a brand new cheap-ass car. You do the math, kid, you're in college. Do you want to give a couple of grand a year to Phllip Morris for absolutely nothing?

I need to type faster.

 

[pervasiveone]

Being an ex smoker, I can tell you that trying to reason with a smoker is futile at best and the situation will just get more frustrating and escalate.

Might I suggest buying him a copy of this book:
Amazon.com: The Easy Way to Stop Smoking: Join the Millions Who Have Become Non-Smokers Using Allen Carr's Easyway Method (0749725586160): Allen Carr: Books

A good approach might be:
1. Tell him you disapprove, but love him still (ya know the whole unconditional love thing)
2. Hand him the book and tell him that all you want him to do it read it cover to cover
3. Wait and see what happens

If that doesn't work, you've only wasted ~$15

 

[TaigaStar]

I find it amusing how many people act like a parent has no right to ask their child to refrain from something once they pass the age of consent. Most parents can have a good relationship with their adult children and can learn to respect each other.

 

[dreamer20]

My son is a sophomore in college and 20 years old

Wow amazed at the number of people in this thread who seem to think a parent has the right to direct or try to influence the behavior of their son who is 20 year old grown man. I wonder if there would be so much "helpful" advice if the complaint was that this grown man enjoyed drinking alcohol?

To be honest your son is a Sophomore in college, he's a grown man, whether he smokes or not is none of your business.

It's quite simply hilaire. Their advice is that which concerned relatives give in the hope that their loved one would abandon a habit detrimental to his health. I, my brother and mother were the non smokers who advised my father why he should not smoke. Mom never permitted him to smoke in the house. Sadly he did not heed our advice and died at a premature age from emphysema and heart failure.

And re: your alcohol post: I regret not telling a friend to go to alcoholics anonymous as he drank excessively. I erroneous thought I might be overreacting and that he could handle his drinking. His death at age 41 was startling.

 

[Northland]

My son is a sophomore in college and 20 years old, but I encountered him the other day while he was smoking a cigarette. This hasnt been the first time I caught him so I know he smokes.. but does anyone have any advice help for when they talked to there kids about smoking?

You can talk to him, you can take him to local hospitals and show the respiratory failure people have. At the end of it all, he will have to make the decision for himself. I knew the dangers, and started smoking anyway, eventually I reached a point I couldn't take it anymore and I stopped.

 

[Mem]