Sorry, honey, I have a different brain

[jay_too]

I have not read the book, but I am going put it on my to read list. From the article, I tend to agree with the generalizations. How few women understand that guyz tend to participate in competitions when hanging...such as roundball, fishing, biking, rock climbing, whatever. And no, we do not talk about the current g/f. Period. That is not good form. In fact, more than a 5-minute conversation with the g/f on where our relationship is going means it is time to start taking Tylenol. After one of these souls barings, I wonder what the problem was. If I ask the next day, the response is something like, "I think it was time we had another one." Oh...right?

On the other hand, I have learned never to assume I got the message. A couple of times I have been told that she was not satisfied with the direction or lack of direction of the relationship and that we needed to think about other options. Once the conversation ended with "I have had a hard day so I am going to indulge in a bubble bath and go straight to bed." So I got my gym bag and stuffed my things in it and left the key on the kitchen counter by the coffee pot...Yeah, the next day there was a 7.5 earthquake with tears and the question, "Didn't I understand?" Apparently not.

The continuing problem for me with g/f's is spending time with friends. I spend time with guyz at the gym, on the courts, sometimes a little fishing....sometimes I go after work to a bar with guyz only (like once every two or three months) but generally evenings out are with g/f and her friends. Yet I spend too much time with friends. Moreover, my closest friends become the ones she does not like....why? Well, it is not so obvious. Now her friends are a different story. Not a problem that they are dumb and really shallow (hey, I am shallow but my world extends more than 18-inches beyond me). A 30-minute conversation (maybe more) is should I lease or buy a car...if I buy I have to wait another year whereas....yada, yada. What do you think?" Yeah, I have to bite my tongue.

On the other hand, when analyzing a problem and developing alternative solutions, the female brain comes up with amazing insights that I doubt guyz would ever consider. On a personal and professional level, I have seen evidence that in communication and thought men and women may not be from the same genus.

jay

 

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ORCABOMBER: [quote author=Valkyrie link=board=meetgreet;num=1065205062;start=0#19 date=10/06/03 at 06:29:07] As a woman in "career" mode I can quite safely say that many female traits are viewed as highly undesirable and creating a "requirement" for me to change into a more male mode of thinking and acting. That is, if I want to continue competing on the same terms as the rest of the field...[/quote]
What do you do Valkrie? I find it interesting when you put it like that, but then again, wouldn't it be easier, if we could be able to express ideas and feelings without adding a gender bias?

What gender is leadership, loyalty, love? Male or female? But crying when it hurts, biting a lip and carrying on, hogging the remote control or talking down the phone are all gendered.

Makes me think I could've taken psychology.

 

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Inwood: I can only comment on male/male relationships but I think it still applies to some of the comments made earlier.

Relationships in gay couples have a lot of the same issues. "I love you the way your are, now change." That was a problem I had with my last boyfriend. He couldn't accept a part of me. At the beginning he didn't mind it so much but as time went on those traits of mine became a source of discontent.

I think in most relationships one or both partners feel the other partner just can't see the "wisdom" being imparted. That things would be so much better if they would just change this way.

It's not just straight relationships. What you do about it I don't know but I did read somewhere recently that the most successful relationships seem to be ones where partners set boundaries early on and say, this far and no further. So maybe we just need to speak up about this and let the other person know we're happy just the way we are.

(I'm sure I've done it myself at times but I hope I've learned not to anymore.) There may be differences between men and women but I don't think wanting your partner to change can be blamed just on that. Anyway that's my take.

 

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da_blissmachine: hmm am I the only one who thinks the misinterpretation of modern science has created as much superstition as there was in the middle ages?

 

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Valkyrie: [quote author=ORCABOMBER link=board=meetgreet;num=1065205062;start=20#21 date=10/06/03 at 09:58:22]
What do you do Valkrie? I find it interesting when you put it like that, but then again, wouldn't it be easier, if we could be able to express ideas and feelings without adding a gender bias?

[/quote]

I'm regional IT-manager for a large multinational company - one out eleven people on the European level. Above me in the organization - only men. At the same level - one other woman.

Before that I've worked 10 years in IT-strategy consulting. Main clients at board room and/or upper management level. Also a mainly male audience.

In both of these scenarios traits typically considered "female"- showing feelings, compassion; trusting intuition and gut instinct; not always being able to put everything into pure economic/logical variables etc. - tend to be less important and sometimes downright undesirable.

Sad scenario, as I agree with you - things would be a lot easier if we didn't have this gender bias. I should say though that things have improved in the 11 years I've been building my career - and I do hope that things will continue to improve. I may have to get back in another 11 years with the current situation...  

/Val

 

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ORCABOMBER: Seriously impressive, you know that Valk?

I can understand where you're coming from, altough I think, as an interesting point, I have worked for a female dominated organisation, which I think, was pretty good, we were professionals, but I think bitchiness was also a problem as well, because once tre gossip starts to fly... :

 

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rainfletcher: You know Val, I'm in the same line of work, and I think the 'female' traits as you protray them would be a huge 'value add' (see, I was a consultant, too!) to most organizations. The bias not only hurts women trying to get ahead, but it hurts the companies who engage in this, too, right?

One thing I've always wondered at, is that not every situation can be reduced to something quantifiable. Often times, something more nebulous (like intuition) can be a better guide than a spreadsheet...

God, a little compassion would be a beautiful thing in some organizations...

<Rain

 

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rainfletcher: Alright, I know I just posted, but ORCABOMBERs post made me laugh about something I had happen to me when i was younger.

I was running the IT side of an operations facility for a large bank. The facility was staffed with 200 women -- and me, the only male in the building. I was trying to staff out the IT department a little, and the local VPs secretary (the VP was also a woman) helped me set up interviews and screen people.

So, I sent her flowers in appreciation.

Here's a lesson for you all:

Never send flowers to one woman when you work with 199 other women. I never lived it down. Every god damn time someone did something for me, I got "Where's my flowers?" Longest friggin year of my life....