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Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by The Dragon, Feb 3, 2008.
Are there diffrent stages of grief?
Yes there are, but not everyone feels them in the same order and not everyone feels them all.
There's no 'proper' way to grieve, it's personal so no one should tell you what you should be feeling.
I moved through the denial phase pretty quickly and I have been under a cloud of sadness for the past four years.
Now I find myself very angry.
I'm angry with myself and I'm almost ashamed to say that I'm furious with him.
It's a scarey place to be after 4 yars of sadness.
He already had x years of your time, force yourself to move on and don't give him any more time than he already had.
Dragonfly, the only thing that will help that kind of anger-in-grief is self-examination.
I was fortunate, I guess. The most intense grieving I have ever done was when my Mom died. I had a very brief denial phase, almost no anger or bargaining, the sadness lasted about 4 years before it started giving way to acceptance.
It must have been someone about whom you cared a great deal, or your grief would not last this long. I don't have any sage advice to give, but I do hope you can eventually get to the acceptance. It's a much sweeter place to be.
I think grieving, is the most personal of all emotions, no other person can know how your feeling even if they went through the same kind of loss or trauma.
I also beleive that, at some point if your going on years of grieving, some professional intervention may be called for.
I am very lucky to not have anyone close to me die. The closest is my grandparents. My mother has been ill for a long time so I see that coming.
As far as your anger goes, you need to let it go. You need to forgive the person that you are furious with. Not for them, for yourself.
Whatever they did, they probably did not intend to hurt you.
Grief takes many different forms and everyone moves through it in different ways and at different speeds. The general thinking is that it takes a MINIMUM of three years. People often (wongly) assume that grief is only when someone dies--but it can be due to the loss of a job, a loss of a limb due to an accident or surgery, as well as the ending of a relationship. There's no right or wrong here--it's all very individual. If you feel that you're having a problem dealing with grief, talk to a professional who specializes in grief counseling.
Grief takes time. Oh yes, it sure does. And grief can be precipitated by many life events. The ending of relationships, ending of jobs, moving, friends leaving, breakups, death, disease onset, etc.
I have been griving my Father's death since May 9th, 2006. I like what prepstudinsc said about the grief process taking a MINIMUM of three years. I understand this from the inside out. There is my own grief process and the parallel processes of my clients who are grieving.
Also I had a shocker in February of 2007 when I learned that I have electrical issues in my heart that causes it to beat too fast. Then I had two surgeries at the end of April and beginning of May. I got out of the hospital on the first anniversary of my Father's death. My Mom and I went for Sushi to honor it because she had never had sushi, I love it, and Dad would have never had sushi (but he loved tempura and other Japanese dishes).
So, I've had a double whammy. I wonder sometimes why I'm so tired much of the time. I wonder why I feel like being alone a lot. Also, I wonder why going out and hanging out where people are partying just doesn't have that sparkle it once did. Part of it is that I'm getting older and I'm maturing so partying just doesn't do it anymore (the price of the hangover (exhaustion, not necessarily alcohol related) just isn't worth it).
When working with my own psychotherapist I've come to know that I'm not done with the grieving process for either of these events. My life has changed so completely and yet many things have remained the same. Throughout all of this I've got major financial difficulties from having been a grad student for three years. Even working full time didn't mitigate the need for loans.
So, I have a lot to grieve in my life. I work with clients who are in grief. I'm in the process of learning to metabolize their grief and to not carry it when I'm not working with them so that I can do my own grief. Fortunately and unfortunately I'm learning this valuable lesson early in my career as a psychotherapist intern. Most interns don't have to face this until later. But alas, the Universe threw this stuff at me now.
All of this has shown me just how strong I am and how intensely strong my will to live and to survive is. Also it's taught me where many of my limitations are. That's been powerful. Also I've learned so much more about myself in the process. I can honestly say that the past five years, since I began this journey to become a psychotherapist has been radically self-transformative. And much of the work I've had to do has been grief-centered. Letting go is something that doesn't come naturally to me.
We have embraced a saying that has become a mantra in my supervision group at work. The mantra is, "Fuck it. Surrender to the mystery."
Can you imagine a group of psychotherapists who are consulting on extreme cases of homeless youth laughing up a storm using that kind of language? LOL I tell you... That group keeps me sane on the job.
I don't think you ever stop grieving some things to be honest, my dad died in 1996 and although the grief is muted by time and it never gets to that sharp aching stage anymore it's still there and always will be.
You need to forgive Dragonfly, him as well as yourself. The only person holding you back is you.
Watch Groundhog Day a few times.
Watch Groundhog Day a few times, then go and stab him in the head with a fork
Who? Driftetrwood? OK!
No not Drifterwood Simcha
Hey! Watch it... I'll get you my pretty... ;-P