Still jealous of the ex

B_smooth_7

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Anyone have a relationship for several years, break up and stay friends but harbor feelings for the ex at odd times? And worse, when you see Facebook photos of him with another guy you get a jealous feeling?

It's been two years since we broke up (he was caught cheating) and I saw his Christmas pictures while he was on holiday and got jealous - bordering hurt - for some reason.

Not sure why and don't know how to handle it. I know at some point he'll call or write. I guess I just need to bite my lip and NOT ask who the guy in all the pictures and pretend I didn't see them.

Any ideas?
 

titsmagee9

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I don't know if this is exactly therapist approved, but I think you just gotta fake it til you make it, if you know what I mean. Just do your best to not think about it, don't indulge all the jealous curiosity you're feeling. Think about it from an outside perspective: if you had a new man and his ex was asking him all about you, even though they ended things years ago, what would you think of that? Do you want to be that person?

Pretend to be the person you want to be and eventually you'll forget that you're pretending. Also don't let any slip ups snow ball. So you're having a tough time right now, don't let it become a tough week, or a tough month. Don't let the fact that you're feeling shitty be an excuse for behavior that you're going to regret later. You're stronger than that, and you know it.
 

D_Ida_Ho

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I don't know if this is exactly therapist approved, but I think you just gotta fake it til you make it, if you know what I mean. Just do your best to not think about it, don't indulge all the jealous curiosity you're feeling. Think about it from an outside perspective: if you had a new man and his ex was asking him all about you, even though they ended things years ago, what would you think of that? Do you want to be that person?

Pretend to be the person you want to be and eventually you'll forget that you're pretending. Also don't let any slip ups snow ball. So you're having a tough time right now, don't let it become a tough week, or a tough month. Don't let the fact that you're feeling shitty be an excuse for behavior that you're going to regret later. You're stronger than that, and you know it.

^Good advice. If that doesn't work. Run. Run your ass off.
 

erratic

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Any ideas?

Sounds to me like you haven't really dumped him yet. He may be out of the relationship, but you're not. Not entirely.

Unfriend him on Facebook. Meet new guys. Do something to put more emotional distance between you and him.
 

B_smooth_7

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Hey guys. Thanks for all of that. I thought I was fine. Never "felt" anything but seeing those pictures brought it all back. So I'm just not going onto FB now. I don't use it a lot anyway but with the holidays I was watching my nieces and nephews whereabouts and their photos etc. Then his popped up. And there were the emotions bubbling up again.
 

Catharsis

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Hm... I had a thing going on with a guy earlier this year and he called it off. I was really upset by it, and then I would see he and his ex commenting on each other's walls on facebook. I would get really bothered by that, for some reason - you know, I would look more into it than it really was. They actually were friends (without benefits) and this same guy actually said I was really nice guy and that we were a good match (obviously when things were going strong between us).

I've gotten over them, of course, but I think I still have feelings for him... At least that I haven't gotten over him. Nothing I establish with other men comes as close to what I felt with him. *sighs*

What helps for me is not to think too much of him... Of course I see his posts and photos on facebook but it doesn't bother me as much as it used to. We stopped interacting. There is no more and never will be an "us" between me and him. And, I'm doing okay. I'm trying, at least - I'm too busy with other things to let that be too much of an issue.

And it may help to put your actions into perspective and try to put yourself into your ex's shoes, as titsmagee9 described. I think that's a great thing to do, and if it makes you a little self-conscious about what you do or say around them, maybe that's what you need.
 

molotovmuffin

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Unfriend the ex on facebook or gouge out your eyes. Cut all ties.

Why the hell do people flock to the ones who hurt them and then bitch about them? I will never get it.
 

heist

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Sounds to me like you haven't really dumped him yet. He may be out of the relationship, but you're not. Not entirely.

I agree with this. There are a few coping mechanisms suggested throughout the thread, but you'll have to figure out which works for you. For some, the complete separation works -- no contact, no reminders -- such as defriending etc. For others, it might be that you're missing resolution to the relationship, as suggested by erratic above. If you need resolution, you should probably figure out what unresolved things are still lurking.

It also helps, I think, to remind yourself why you aren't in a relationship with him anymore -- even if it was more on his end than yours, the fact is that there was a fundamental incompatibility. It's naive to pretend such incompatibilities can be changed. And therefore, it's better for you that you aren't still struggling through something that wasn't working.
 

B_smooth_7

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I think the defriending thing is inevitable. I woke up is morning to more pictures of the two of them in a hammock and another at a table with the other guys hand on his leg.

Now, here's the dilemma. I own property in the city in which he lives. He manages everything for me and truth be told I genuinely trust him with all of this. If I start the no contact ball rolling this is something that needs to change too.

I really thought that after two years I'd be past all of this but I'm not. He on the other hand has moved on - I think he "broke up" with me long before we actually broke up so there's nothing there for him to having feeling for anymore. Good for him, bad for me.
 
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