Still single, very lost

[lostinspace94]

I'm approaching my mid 30s and still have never experienced more than a hookup. Over the years, I've have gone to various therapists for help, nothing has really provided much insight beyond "it will happen when it does".

99% of my hookups end after a hookup. This is strange as during sex, or even after, they say they had a great time, I'm hot/sexy etc, let's meet again, etc but it never happens. The 1% end up as long term friendships that I still have.

I fit all the "typical" gay attributes: tall, muscled, handsome looks, wide shoulders/small waist, "dark" (mixed olive-caramel skin colour), mostly top (I do everything though, and would bottom for a bf), above average length and girth, etc. I'm at loss here what "more" I can do.

I am British (always lived in London and found it incredibly hard to find anything beyond a fleeting connection there) and moved to the US through work (a very gay city) too, was told I would be swooped up in 1 month, and its been almost 1 year and nothing has happened.

I get a tonne of matches on Tinder, dates do happen, but that's about it (typically I must admit, I'm not then sexually attracted). Grindr/Sniffles continue to supply me with hookups whenever I like (I rarely get rejected too). Oddly, I do also seem to attract 'escorts/OF guys' (for free) to I think the "physical" aspect can't be the issue. I also notice I'm not really invited for groups or orgies, I seem to be an 'airbnb/hotel' experience for most, like a fantasy they want to try once but that's it.

If it boils down to connection etc, that's hard to determine off a single hookup, so I'm really not understanding why no one seems invested in wanting to know me more (even if its just to bang again).

Given everything I read on this forum, I'm wondering if my expectations or setup is wrong. I was super tempted to present myself as "vapid" and set up an Instagram, flashing my muscle and seeing what I get there, but that's just not me (and tbh I can't because of my work). I've even accepted any relationship I'm in is likely to be open, but I can't even get a second sexual encounter with the same guy, so I have no clue what's going on.

I completely understand there is always someone else etc but there are a tonne of guys who still are paired up (whatever the arrangement) and I'm getting very demotivated as I legitimately don't know how to 'improve' myself to attract someone. I am very happy with other aspects of my life e.g. great career/make good money, live independently, have solid friends etc so I don't get what is going on in my relationship life.

Any advice?

 

[Evenflow618]

Change your mindset that somebody wants to be with you. Start thinking everyday somebody wants to be with you and they are your match. Second, stop hooking up unless that’s what you only want from a person. When you go out and meet somebody don’t take it to the bedroom right away. Meet and get to know the person. Third, start imagining the type of person you want to be in a relationship with you. Write it down put energy to it but don’t get too attached to it you have to let go the desire but live from it. Check in a week on what we got. Its going to take time however for the right person but you got to go through some people or enter the timelines for you and your partner to meet.

 

[theplayerking]

It takes a lot of swiping and first dates to find Mr. Right. Don’t give up and, in the meantime, have fun and enjoy your 30s. I didn’t meet my first real boyfriend (and now husband) until I was in my 40s.

 

[hzs3fg]

At the risk of sounding dismissive, this strategy does not work for me.

I have extensively tried to date and 'get to know someone' but beyond a first date, it doesn't really go anywhere. At least with a hookup, we both get some sex and I actually have fun. I'm also just a bit surprised none have led to a FWB situation either though.

That said, I did completely stop hooking up for more than a year, and I got nowhere. I spent a lot more time on dating apps, joining LGBT classes etc, and did not make a single connection. I felt even more isolated from the gay community and realised I really wasn't going to find anyone this way so went back to the hookups so at least I could meet gay men.

I have been to therapy to imagine the type of person etc but this has also come up quite empty because I really am lacking in real relationship experience. If I had some bad bf's I could start to realise what I can't tolerate etc. At the moment it is really a blank canvas which is why I'm probably over-indexed on "attraction".

The men I've been attracted to also vary and there is no specific 'type'. Through the hookups I've felt a connection to various types of men so its really hard to narrow down a type. I also have great friends, none of who I have slept with, so personality alone is not going to cut it for me. This is what is making things really difficult.

Also, I have noticed, especially in the city I live in, people just are not interested in 'gay' friendships. If you are not sleeping together, they find someone else, and move on. There is no reason to invest in you (particularly once in your mid 30s) as they have their friends etc.

Isn't this the problem? Hookups are just that - hookups. I'm not gay, but I suspect that people who engage in hookups aren't looking for relationships. Have sex, go home, period.

Relationships are found in the traditional way: meet someone at work, at church, at the mall, exchange pleasantries, get to know each other, see where it goes.

 

[Ahhh Ha]

Maybe you come across as clingy or desperate? Some ppl will automatically side eye a man 35+ yrs old and single, with no kids ...if no one has claimed him. Usually in this scenario, ppl might assume your standards are way too high or there is something wrong with you.

Of course neither may be true but it's human nature for ppl to make assumptions about men who are available (and attractive) yet chronically single.

Unfortunately you might carry the stigma for middle aged ppl who are still single, childless. You probably need to speak more on your dating history, so ppl will have a better understanding of your circumstances. That's something you have to start opening up about.

 

[lostinspace94]

The lack of dating history is your dating history. And that would surprise most ppl if you're desirable. Are the men you hookup with aware of your lack of connections? If not, then you're the one who isn't allowing ppl to get to know you.

Are you the person who is always looking for others to break the ice?

Varies.
If we have sex, and I feel some connection, I will reach out.
A handful I have told my 'woes' but we still don't meet up again.
I don't know.

 

[jerome602]

At the risk of sounding dismissive, this strategy does not work for me.

I have extensively tried to date and 'get to know someone' but beyond a first date, it doesn't really go anywhere. At least with a hookup, we both get some sex and I actually have fun. I'm also just a bit surprised none have led to a FWB situation either though.

That said, I did completely stop hooking up for more than a year, and I got nowhere. I spent a lot more time on dating apps, joining LGBT classes etc, and did not make a single connection. I felt even more isolated from the gay community and realised I really wasn't going to find anyone this way so went back to the hookups so at least I could meet gay men.

I have been to therapy to imagine the type of person etc but this has also come up quite empty because I really am lacking in real relationship experience. If I had some bad bf's I could start to realise what I can't tolerate etc. At the moment it is really a blank canvas which is why I'm probably over-indexed on "attraction".

The men I've been attracted to also vary and there is no specific 'type'. Through the hookups I've felt a connection to various types of men so its really hard to narrow down a type. I also have great friends, none of who I have slept with, so personality alone is not going to cut it for me. This is what is making things really difficult.

Also, I have noticed, especially in the city I live in, people just are not interested in 'gay' friendships. If you are not sleeping together, they find someone else, and move on. There is no reason to invest in you (particularly once in your mid 30s) as they have their friends etc.

This is going to sound harsh, but your response here is in fact dismissive and that's probably your problem. The advice that @Evenflow618 gave you was so solid I was surprised to see someone took the time to be that thoughtful for you. The problem can't be the city / the scene / hookup culture / everyone else but you.

 

[deleted18388141]

Stop the hook up!
why start with the desert?
u should date slowly and sex should happen when u feel that special thing with the guy!
i was looking for the right person to live a romance and a relationship but i quickly understood : if u look for sex / nothing else might happen 99%of the times so i just took it off the table!
and i met only guys who are looking for a relationship and to build something together that way i lost leas of my time on unabailable people!
i quickly met the man of my life (16years together)

 

[lostinspace94]

Change your mindset that somebody wants to be with you. Start thinking everyday somebody wants to be with you and they are your match. Second, stop hooking up unless that’s what you only want from a person. When you go out and meet somebody don’t take it to the bedroom right away. Meet and get to know the person. Third, start imagining the type of person you want to be in a relationship with you. Write it down put energy to it but don’t get too attached to it you have to let go the desire but live from it. Check in a week on what we got. Its going to take time however for the right person but you got to go through some people or enter the timelines for you and your partner to meet.

At the risk of sounding dismissive, this strategy does not work for me.

I have extensively tried to date and 'get to know someone' but beyond a first date, it doesn't really go anywhere. At least with a hookup, we both get some sex and I actually have fun. I'm also just a bit surprised none have led to a FWB situation either though.

That said, I did completely stop hooking up for more than a year, and I got nowhere. I spent a lot more time on dating apps, joining LGBT classes etc, and did not make a single connection. I felt even more isolated from the gay community and realised I really wasn't going to find anyone this way so went back to the hookups so at least I could meet gay men.

I have been to therapy to imagine the type of person etc but this has also come up quite empty because I really am lacking in real relationship experience. If I had some bad bf's I could start to realise what I can't tolerate etc. At the moment it is really a blank canvas which is why I'm probably over-indexed on "attraction".

The men I've been attracted to also vary and there is no specific 'type'. Through the hookups I've felt a connection to various types of men so its really hard to narrow down a type. I also have great friends, none of who I have slept with, so personality alone is not going to cut it for me. This is what is making things really difficult.

Also, I have noticed, especially in the city I live in, people just are not interested in 'gay' friendships. If you are not sleeping together, they find someone else, and move on. There is no reason to invest in you (particularly once in your mid 30s) as they have their friends etc.

 

[lostinspace94]

Isn't this the problem? Hookups are just that - hookups. I'm not gay, but I suspect that people who engage in hookups aren't looking for relationships. Have sex, go home, period.

Relationships are found in the traditional way: meet someone at work, at church, at the mall, exchange pleasantries, get to know each other, see where it goes.

Yet when I ask almost any gay man how he found his bf his reply is a sex party, Grindr or otherwise.

 

[lostinspace94]

It will take time

10 years of sleeping around and not a single taker? Seems like a loooooong time.

 

[visorkols]

Im in a similar boat, mid 30s and never had a relationship even though ive slept with numerous people and swung with couples also. Few factors behind my lack of relationships and I know very well that I cannot fix some of them at all.

Its all basically down to numbers, you need to get out and meet more people. Just make it know ahead of time what youre looking for.

 

[theplayerking]

Yet when I ask almost any gay man how he found his bf his reply is a sex party, Grindr or otherwise.

I wish I had met my husband at a sex party, but that’s for another thread.

The advantage (or disadvantage, depending on your point of view) of living in an enormous gay Mecca like London or New York is you have a lot of hookup options. It’s great if you like variety, but it makes it difficult if you’re looking for fuckbuddies. I had a number of fuckbuds when I lived in Minneapolis, but almost none after I moved to New York. The ones I did have were guys that invited me to groups they were hosting, we almost never hooked up one-on-one after our initial encounter.

I would focus on finding Platonic gay friends based around hobbies and mutual interests. Let the hookups be what they are. If they turn into more, great. When you live in a cocksucker’s candy store, you can’t expect a lot of repeats.

 

[lostinspace94]

I wish I had met my husband at a sex party, but that’s for another thread.

The advantage (or disadvantage, depending on your point of view) of living in an enormous gay Mecca like London or New York is you have a lot of hookup options. It’s great if you like variety, but it makes it difficult if you’re looking for fuckbuddies. I had a number of fuckbuds when I lived in Minneapolis, but almost none after I moved to New York. The ones I did have were guys that invited me to groups they were hosting, we almost never hooked up one-on-one after our initial encounter.

I would focus on finding Platonic gay friends based around hobbies and mutual interests. Let the hookups be what they are. If they turn into more, great. When you live in a cocksucker’s candy store, you can’t expect a lot of repeats.

I have platonic gay friends (and straight friends). None have turned to more hence I keep trying to date / hookup etc and see what happens.

Just also confused as plenty of guys here are in relationships so it can't be that difficult. Maybe my expectations are wrong I don't know.

 

[lostinspace94]

Maybe you come across as clingy or desperate? Some ppl will automatically side eye a man 35+ yrs old and single, with no kids ...if no one has claimed him. Usually in this scenario, ppl might assume your standards are way too high or there is something wrong with you.

Of course neither may be true but it's human nature for ppl to make assumptions about men who are available (and attractive) yet chronically single.

Unfortunately you might carry the stigma for middle aged ppl who are still single, childless. You probably need to speak more on your dating history, so ppl will have a better understanding of your circumstances. That's something you have to start opening up about.

The issue is there is literally no dating history. If I was in some relationships that didn't work I wouldn't be complaining. No one seems to want to invest in me beyond the hookup and I am clueless why (as are therapists). But I'm also at loss to see what to 'improve' in myself at this point.

 

[hzs3fg]

Agreed. But what to do about it?

Honestly, I just don't understand where you are coming from.

I understand that gay culture is different, but still. While very occasionally, a straight guy will develop a wonderful relationship with the prostitute or whore that he hooked up with last night, get married and raise a beautiful family, the odds are very, very much against it.

Yet, you seem to be looking for relationships to spawn from the gay equivalent.

Hookups, like prostitutes, are for sexual release - not relationships. If it is a relationship that you want, please recalibrate your search parameters.

 

[Ahhh Ha]

Agreed. But what to do about it?

Make yourself available for men who are looking for commitment. If you're still having issues, then your idea of desirable should be questioned. Sure you're good looking and highly successful but the right/wrong persona could be the difference between a successful or unsuccessful date. First impressions is still important.

#1) Focus on developing causal conversations with ppl (not family/friends) outside the hookup culture.

Do not even bother dating until you accomplish step one.

 

[MisterB]

I think what I'm sensing here is it's "It's not them, it's you". And I don't say that to be the least bit offensive or negative, as I only have what you've shared to go by.

Something about you perhaps is off-putting? Maybe not your physical presence, but something doesn't seem right if everyone you meet and get intimate with doesn't want seconds as your state.

Humans communicate in various ways. Often in nonverbal ways that others pickup that isn't/doesn't set with them. I don't know.

But I do know I applaud you being in therapy. Always good for one to do some introspection and learn about that which may be interfering with leading one's best life.

Have you considered taking some classes about things that might interest you? Cooking or wine selection or learning how to bartend to name a few. Classes that lend themselves to interacting with others. Getting to know new and different people.

Always a good way to meet others. You never know when a new friend may think, oh, he'd be perfect for my other friend and set you two up.

And I suggest you might want to also broaden who you think you might be attracted to. We all have folks who catch our attention. Often though I've found myself drawn to those who once I get to know the person inside.

I wish you well. Focus on you and your happiness and maybe not be so focused on meeting Mr. Right? And just let things happen. Best of luck to you!

 

[ShivaLingam]

I'm approaching my mid 30s and still have never experienced more than a hookup. Over the years, I've have gone to various therapists for help, nothing has really provided much insight beyond "it will happen when it does".

99% of my hookups end after a hookup. This is strange as during sex, or even after, they say they had a great time, I'm hot/sexy etc, let's meet again, etc but it never happens. The 1% end up as long term friendships that I still have.

I fit all the "typical" gay attributes: tall, muscled, handsome looks, wide shoulders/small waist, "dark" (mixed olive-caramel skin colour), mostly top (I do everything though, and would bottom for a bf), above average length and girth, etc. I'm at loss here what "more" I can do.

I am British (always lived in London and found it incredibly hard to find anything beyond a fleeting connection there) and moved to the US through work (a very gay city) too, was told I would be swooped up in 1 month, and its been almost 1 year and nothing has happened.

I get a tonne of matches on Tinder, dates do happen, but that's about it (typically I must admit, I'm not then sexually attracted). Grindr/Sniffles continue to supply me with hookups whenever I like (I rarely get rejected too). Oddly, I do also seem to attract 'escorts/OF guys' (for free) to I think the "physical" aspect can't be the issue. I also notice I'm not really invited for groups or orgies, I seem to be an 'airbnb/hotel' experience for most, like a fantasy they want to try once but that's it.

If it boils down to connection etc, that's hard to determine off a single hookup, so I'm really not understanding why no one seems invested in wanting to know me more (even if its just to bang again).

Given everything I read on this forum, I'm wondering if my expectations or setup is wrong. I was super tempted to present myself as "vapid" and set up an Instagram, flashing my muscle and seeing what I get there, but that's just not me (and tbh I can't because of my work). I've even accepted any relationship I'm in is likely to be open, but I can't even get a second sexual encounter with the same guy, so I have no clue what's going on.

I completely understand there is always someone else etc but there are a tonne of guys who still are paired up (whatever the arrangement) and I'm getting very demotivated as I legitimately don't know how to 'improve' myself to attract someone. I am very happy with other aspects of my life e.g. great career/make good money, live independently, have solid friends etc so I don't get what is going on in my relationship life.

Any advice?

Have you tried dating services (not hook up apps, but sites or services that are primarily about matchmaking for long term relationships)? Although you state a desire for a LTR, everything you say about yourself indicates that you are in full-on hook up mode, which is why you are only getting hook ups. You have to do, say and think things that boyfriends and husbands do. Start watching rom-coms, start reading books and articles about gay relationships, start going out on first dates where sex has already been ruled out as a possibility. Write down what do and don't want in a relationship, then ask yourself where are the guys who fit those traits? If you want a fit guy, check out the gym and community sports leagues. If you want a nerd, go to a comic con or coders meetup. If you want an adventurer, join a group for travellers. Take a look at your apartment: if someone wanted to move in with you today, would they be welcome and comfortable, and would there be enough room for their stuff? Believe it or not, some guys do want love and romance, not just sex. You say you've got all the sexy traits, which is great, but can you show how caring or thoughtful you are? The kind of guys who want to settle down will be evaluating you in terms of that. What I'm trying to say here is that you need to act "as if" you are already the settle-down type, without going overboard about it or seeming too goal-driven about it. Right now I get the sense that what you say you want is not exactly in alignment with what you actually think and do. But once you figure out what the vibration of a boyfriend or husband is, and then change your thoughts and actions to match that vibration, you will start attracting suitable options.

 

[NotAfraidofHeights]

All my most serious relationships started with courting. Not getting bred!

courting means hanging out and having natural conversation with no expectation of sex.