Still single, very lost

[Ahhh Ha]

Varies.
If we have sex, and I feel some connection, I will reach out.
A handful I have told my 'woes' but we still don't meet up again.
I don't know.

Well it seems you are attracting men who are only interested in sex.

You are not attracting the men who are looking for more than a hookup or f*ck buddy.

 

[lostinspace94]

Well it seems you are attracting men who are only interested in sex.

You are not attracting the men who are looking for more than a hookup or f*ck buddy.

Agreed. But what to do about it?

 

[hzs3fg]

Agreed. But what to do about it?

Honestly, I just don't understand where you are coming from.

I understand that gay culture is different, but still. While very occasionally, a straight guy will develop a wonderful relationship with the prostitute or whore that he hooked up with last night, get married and raise a beautiful family, the odds are very, very much against it.

Yet, you seem to be looking for relationships to spawn from the gay equivalent.

Hookups, like prostitutes, are for sexual release - not relationships. If it is a relationship that you want, please recalibrate your search parameters.

 

[Ahhh Ha]

Agreed. But what to do about it?

Make yourself available for men who are looking for commitment. If you're still having issues, then your idea of desirable should be questioned. Sure you're good looking and highly successful but the right/wrong persona could be the difference between a successful or unsuccessful date. First impressions is still important.

#1) Focus on developing causal conversations with ppl (not family/friends) outside the hookup culture.

Do not even bother dating until you accomplish step one.

 

[Markyoung873]

Agreed. But what to do about it?

Work on your game bro..

and I don’t mean pecs and tan..

 

[Taecfan]

Agreed. But what to do about it?

NYC is a tough one... and especially now after covid, even my straight single friends are having trouble finding anything meaningful. In your case, I would suggest you take a break from trying to find a relationship and just find some hobbies to explore and really learn to be yourself. It's hard to attract people when you're desperate for it and sometimes you find someone when you're not even looking. But if it's giving you this much anguish, take a break and hold no expectations

 

[lostinspace94]

Honestly, I just don't understand where you are coming from.

I understand that gay culture is different, but still. While very occasionally, a straight guy will develop a wonderful relationship with the prostitute or whore that he hooked up with last night, get married and raise a beautiful family, the odds are very, very much against it.

Yet, you seem to be looking for relationships to spawn from the gay equivalent.

Hookups, like prostitutes, are for sexual release - not relationships. If it is a relationship that you want, please recalibrate your search parameters.

I think there is a gap here.
A good number of gay men I know, in relationships/with a bf, met through a 'hookup' (either in person or via app, and kept hooking up).
That said, I'm not expecting every hookup to lead to more. What is surprising is none of them lead to a FWB situation either etc, its always just one off.
As for relationships, I am dating, but I'm not meeting someone I like (though, I've had guys say they are into me after the date).
At the end of the day, in my opinion, how you meet is less relevant than you both wanting to explore things further, and despite my reaching out (as no one ever reached back out to me) it seems like a dead end (both in dating and hookups).

 

[lostinspace94]

Make yourself available for men who are looking for commitment. If you're still having issues, then your idea of desirable should be questioned. Sure you're good looking and highly successful but the right/wrong persona could be the difference between a successful or unsuccessful date. First impressions is still important.

#1) Focus on developing causal conversations with ppl (not family/friends) outside the hookup culture.

Do not even bother dating until you accomplish step one.

I've done this but unfortunately it seems very transactional esp in NY. If you are not "offering" something (not necessarily sexual either), people move on fast. These "causal conversations" always fizzle. Agreed on the right/wrong persona point, but its hard to judge someone off a Tinder profile, gotta meet them.

 

[lostinspace94]

NYC is a tough one... and especially now after covid, even my straight single friends are having trouble finding anything meaningful. In your case, I would suggest you take a break from trying to find a relationship and just find some hobbies to explore and really learn to be yourself. It's hard to attract people when you're desperate for it and sometimes you find someone when you're not even looking. But if it's giving you this much anguish, take a break and hold no expectations

They are not mutually exclusive though. Wanting 'more' doesn't stop me from living my life, hooking up etc. Most people who find someone are 'looking' otherwise they wouldn't find someone. I don't think I'm desperate, more just reflecting on my own situation. I've had several breaks (explained above) none of also which led anywhere.

 

[Taecfan]

They are not mutually exclusive though. Wanting 'more' doesn't stop me from living my life, hooking up etc. Most people who find someone are 'looking' otherwise they wouldn't find someone. I don't think I'm desperate, more just reflecting on my own situation. I've had several breaks (explained above) none of also which led anywhere.

Hmm, based on your initial post and replies, it kinda came off as you being desperate tbh, which is why I responded as such. I honestly don't know much at all about you so I can really only give you general advice like everyone else. Only thing I could really suggest is to look into why you feel like you need to be dating someone (not saying you should stay single but understanding what motivates you is never a bad thing) and also think about why you aren't into the guys that have expressed interest in dating you.

 

[lostinspace94]

Hmm, based on your initial post and replies, it kinda came off as you being desperate tbh, which is why I responded as such. I honestly don't know much at all about you so I can really only give you general advice like everyone else. Only thing I could really suggest is to look into why you feel like you need to be dating someone (not saying you should stay single but understanding what motivates you is never a bad thing) and also think about why you aren't into the guys that have expressed interest in dating you.

Fair point.
I guess I'm just reflecting on the past and wondering why nothing has landed.

 

[Ahhh Ha]

I've done this but unfortunately it seems very transactional esp in NY. If you are not "offering" something (not necessarily sexual either), people move on fast. These "causal conversations" always fizzle. Agreed on the right/wrong persona point, but its hard to judge someone off a Tinder profile, gotta meet them.

I've been to NYC and I definitely see what you mean by ppl moving fast and being impatient. It was something I experienced myself. But this was downtown. The boroughs felt more like a Community.

It sounds like you have very little in common with the general population. I noticed you never went into details about your hobbies, interests....Something ppl here have recommended. And living in a place like NY, you're going to meet ppl who enjoy a wide variety of scoial activities.

Personally I can't speak on the dating climate in NY, but based on your comments...the ppl seem shallow and cold. Maybe someone here from NY could recommend friendlier communities.

 

[MisterB]

I think what I'm sensing here is it's "It's not them, it's you". And I don't say that to be the least bit offensive or negative, as I only have what you've shared to go by.

Something about you perhaps is off-putting? Maybe not your physical presence, but something doesn't seem right if everyone you meet and get intimate with doesn't want seconds as your state.

Humans communicate in various ways. Often in nonverbal ways that others pickup that isn't/doesn't set with them. I don't know.

But I do know I applaud you being in therapy. Always good for one to do some introspection and learn about that which may be interfering with leading one's best life.

Have you considered taking some classes about things that might interest you? Cooking or wine selection or learning how to bartend to name a few. Classes that lend themselves to interacting with others. Getting to know new and different people.

Always a good way to meet others. You never know when a new friend may think, oh, he'd be perfect for my other friend and set you two up.

And I suggest you might want to also broaden who you think you might be attracted to. We all have folks who catch our attention. Often though I've found myself drawn to those who once I get to know the person inside.

I wish you well. Focus on you and your happiness and maybe not be so focused on meeting Mr. Right? And just let things happen. Best of luck to you!

 

[dreamer20]

I'm approaching my mid 30s and never experienced more than Tinder dates, Grindr/Sniffles hookups. 99% of my hookups end after a hookup...The 1% end up as long term friendships...I've have gone to therapists for help...<not> much insight beyond "it will happen when it does". I <am> British, tall, muscled, handsome looks, wide shoulders/small waist, "dark" (mixed olive-caramel skin colour)...I <once> lived in London and moved to the US through work. It"s been almost 1 year and nothing has happened...no one seems invested in wanting to know me more (even if its just to bang again)...I legitimately don't know how to 'improve' myself to attract someone. I am very happy with my e.g. great career/make good money, live independently, have solid friends etc so I don't get <it> ...
Any advice?

Hello lostinspace94. I have seen posts by hundreds of lpsg members - some of them in the same boat as you - but you've not listed your location. You don't have to be too specific - yet via your lpsg profile please share the State you live in to facilitate the possibility of people in your locality interacting withand possibly meeting you IRL. For instance:
Lambo96 could gain both a boyfriend and plenty of experience from you:
Https://www.lpsg.com/threads/could-this-be-my-first-gay-experience-i-need-advice.1499721/

hnla394 might still want a long term relationship:
Relationship Advice
and Nick, also , wants a meanful relationship:
https://www.lpsg.com/threads/disillusioned-with-sex-sharing-some-thoughts.7055601/post-96849261

It's time for our members to play matchmaker and you too should see if you can find a match here lostinspace94. P.S. Are you a good cook?

 

[Lover man]

It's nice having a special person if possible

 

[ShivaLingam]

I'm approaching my mid 30s and still have never experienced more than a hookup. Over the years, I've have gone to various therapists for help, nothing has really provided much insight beyond "it will happen when it does".

99% of my hookups end after a hookup. This is strange as during sex, or even after, they say they had a great time, I'm hot/sexy etc, let's meet again, etc but it never happens. The 1% end up as long term friendships that I still have.

I fit all the "typical" gay attributes: tall, muscled, handsome looks, wide shoulders/small waist, "dark" (mixed olive-caramel skin colour), mostly top (I do everything though, and would bottom for a bf), above average length and girth, etc. I'm at loss here what "more" I can do.

I am British (always lived in London and found it incredibly hard to find anything beyond a fleeting connection there) and moved to the US through work (a very gay city) too, was told I would be swooped up in 1 month, and its been almost 1 year and nothing has happened.

I get a tonne of matches on Tinder, dates do happen, but that's about it (typically I must admit, I'm not then sexually attracted). Grindr/Sniffles continue to supply me with hookups whenever I like (I rarely get rejected too). Oddly, I do also seem to attract 'escorts/OF guys' (for free) to I think the "physical" aspect can't be the issue. I also notice I'm not really invited for groups or orgies, I seem to be an 'airbnb/hotel' experience for most, like a fantasy they want to try once but that's it.

If it boils down to connection etc, that's hard to determine off a single hookup, so I'm really not understanding why no one seems invested in wanting to know me more (even if its just to bang again).

Given everything I read on this forum, I'm wondering if my expectations or setup is wrong. I was super tempted to present myself as "vapid" and set up an Instagram, flashing my muscle and seeing what I get there, but that's just not me (and tbh I can't because of my work). I've even accepted any relationship I'm in is likely to be open, but I can't even get a second sexual encounter with the same guy, so I have no clue what's going on.

I completely understand there is always someone else etc but there are a tonne of guys who still are paired up (whatever the arrangement) and I'm getting very demotivated as I legitimately don't know how to 'improve' myself to attract someone. I am very happy with other aspects of my life e.g. great career/make good money, live independently, have solid friends etc so I don't get what is going on in my relationship life.

Any advice?

Have you tried dating services (not hook up apps, but sites or services that are primarily about matchmaking for long term relationships)? Although you state a desire for a LTR, everything you say about yourself indicates that you are in full-on hook up mode, which is why you are only getting hook ups. You have to do, say and think things that boyfriends and husbands do. Start watching rom-coms, start reading books and articles about gay relationships, start going out on first dates where sex has already been ruled out as a possibility. Write down what do and don't want in a relationship, then ask yourself where are the guys who fit those traits? If you want a fit guy, check out the gym and community sports leagues. If you want a nerd, go to a comic con or coders meetup. If you want an adventurer, join a group for travellers. Take a look at your apartment: if someone wanted to move in with you today, would they be welcome and comfortable, and would there be enough room for their stuff? Believe it or not, some guys do want love and romance, not just sex. You say you've got all the sexy traits, which is great, but can you show how caring or thoughtful you are? The kind of guys who want to settle down will be evaluating you in terms of that. What I'm trying to say here is that you need to act "as if" you are already the settle-down type, without going overboard about it or seeming too goal-driven about it. Right now I get the sense that what you say you want is not exactly in alignment with what you actually think and do. But once you figure out what the vibration of a boyfriend or husband is, and then change your thoughts and actions to match that vibration, you will start attracting suitable options.

 

[jerome602]

At the risk of sounding dismissive, this strategy does not work for me.

I have extensively tried to date and 'get to know someone' but beyond a first date, it doesn't really go anywhere. At least with a hookup, we both get some sex and I actually have fun. I'm also just a bit surprised none have led to a FWB situation either though.

That said, I did completely stop hooking up for more than a year, and I got nowhere. I spent a lot more time on dating apps, joining LGBT classes etc, and did not make a single connection. I felt even more isolated from the gay community and realised I really wasn't going to find anyone this way so went back to the hookups so at least I could meet gay men.

I have been to therapy to imagine the type of person etc but this has also come up quite empty because I really am lacking in real relationship experience. If I had some bad bf's I could start to realise what I can't tolerate etc. At the moment it is really a blank canvas which is why I'm probably over-indexed on "attraction".

The men I've been attracted to also vary and there is no specific 'type'. Through the hookups I've felt a connection to various types of men so its really hard to narrow down a type. I also have great friends, none of who I have slept with, so personality alone is not going to cut it for me. This is what is making things really difficult.

Also, I have noticed, especially in the city I live in, people just are not interested in 'gay' friendships. If you are not sleeping together, they find someone else, and move on. There is no reason to invest in you (particularly once in your mid 30s) as they have their friends etc.

This is going to sound harsh, but your response here is in fact dismissive and that's probably your problem. The advice that @Evenflow618 gave you was so solid I was surprised to see someone took the time to be that thoughtful for you. The problem can't be the city / the scene / hookup culture / everyone else but you.

 

[Mittenmuler]

I'm approaching my mid 30s and still have never experienced more than a hookup. Over the years, I've have gone to various therapists for help, nothing has really provided much insight beyond "it will happen when it does".

99% of my hookups end after a hookup. This is strange as during sex, or even after, they say they had a great time, I'm hot/sexy etc, let's meet again, etc but it never happens. The 1% end up as long term friendships that I still have.

I fit all the "typical" gay attributes: tall, muscled, handsome looks, wide shoulders/small waist, "dark" (mixed olive-caramel skin colour), mostly top (I do everything though, and would bottom for a bf), above average length and girth, etc. I'm at loss here what "more" I can do.

I am British (always lived in London and found it incredibly hard to find anything beyond a fleeting connection there) and moved to the US through work (a very gay city) too, was told I would be swooped up in 1 month, and its been almost 1 year and nothing has happened.

I get a tonne of matches on Tinder, dates do happen, but that's about it (typically I must admit, I'm not then sexually attracted). Grindr/Sniffles continue to supply me with hookups whenever I like (I rarely get rejected too). Oddly, I do also seem to attract 'escorts/OF guys' (for free) to I think the "physical" aspect can't be the issue. I also notice I'm not really invited for groups or orgies, I seem to be an 'airbnb/hotel' experience for most, like a fantasy they want to try once but that's it.

If it boils down to connection etc, that's hard to determine off a single hookup, so I'm really not understanding why no one seems invested in wanting to know me more (even if its just to bang again).

Given everything I read on this forum, I'm wondering if my expectations or setup is wrong. I was super tempted to present myself as "vapid" and set up an Instagram, flashing my muscle and seeing what I get there, but that's just not me (and tbh I can't because of my work). I've even accepted any relationship I'm in is likely to be open, but I can't even get a second sexual encounter with the same guy, so I have no clue what's going on.

I completely understand there is always someone else etc but there are a tonne of guys who still are paired up (whatever the arrangement) and I'm getting very demotivated as I legitimately don't know how to 'improve' myself to attract someone. I am very happy with other aspects of my life e.g. great career/make good money, live independently, have solid friends etc so I don't get what is going on in my relationship life.

Any advice?

I am in a similar situation and although I have dated and kind of been in a situationship with somone for approximately 6 years it was not what I wanted and was never really a relationship it should have been - in any case I was a settler. Now I don't know about you but it may be likely, as is in my case, that it rarely works out in our favour with the people we like and those who want to work out with us are ppl we don't see ourselves with. I am not sure if it's because our standards are high or we are being harsh on ourselves and others or chasing a fantasy but I am turning 31 mid next year and I have realised that I have changed quite a lot during my situationship with this guy. Now although I do want a loving and satisfying long term relationship, a part of me has also give up and I guess I would be fine otherwise too because at times I have just felt done with all the wait, drama, having to deal with others or dealing with something less than what I fantasy, and what not. Gone are my days of teen fantasy that I anyway never had and so I can't be streching it this far now, chasing a mirage and I have learnt that what I need is to be happy and loving to myself - can't wait for the other person nor is there any guarantee that the other person would love me the way I want to be loved. I feel more happy and content in this realisation and have left it all to destiny.

 

[deleted17087681]

I am in my 30s my birthday is in a few days and I've been single about 5 years against my will. However, I started chatting with guys on Facebook dating and one has been sticking around.

Have you tried looking in different apps besides the usual ones?

Hinge, OKCupid, Facebook Dating have some great guys. And especially if you're British with the accent Americans love that. I made a video about the plight of gay men and aging on this very subject. PM me if you'd like to see it.

 

[Mittenmuler]

I am in my 30s my birthday is in a few days and I've been single about 5 years against my will. However, I started chatting with guys on Facebook dating and one has been sticking around.

Have you tried looking in different apps besides the usual ones?

Hinge, OKCupid, Facebook Dating have some great guys. And especially if you're British with the accent Americans love that. I made a video about the plight of gay men and aging on this very subject. PM me if you'd like to see it.

I would like to see the video, PM or share it here.