Still single, very lost

lostinspace94

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I'm approaching my mid 30s and still have never experienced more than a hookup. Over the years, I've have gone to various therapists for help, nothing has really provided much insight beyond "it will happen when it does".

99% of my hookups end after a hookup. This is strange as during sex, or even after, they say they had a great time, I'm hot/sexy etc, let's meet again, etc but it never happens. The 1% end up as long term friendships that I still have.

I fit all the "typical" gay attributes: tall, muscled, handsome looks, wide shoulders/small waist, "dark" (mixed olive-caramel skin colour), mostly top (I do everything though, and would bottom for a bf), above average length and girth, etc. I'm at loss here what "more" I can do.

I am British (always lived in London and found it incredibly hard to find anything beyond a fleeting connection there) and moved to the US through work (a very gay city) too, was told I would be swooped up in 1 month, and its been almost 1 year and nothing has happened.

I get a tonne of matches on Tinder, dates do happen, but that's about it (typically I must admit, I'm not then sexually attracted). Grindr/Sniffles continue to supply me with hookups whenever I like (I rarely get rejected too). Oddly, I do also seem to attract 'escorts/OF guys' (for free) to I think the "physical" aspect can't be the issue. I also notice I'm not really invited for groups or orgies, I seem to be an 'airbnb/hotel' experience for most, like a fantasy they want to try once but that's it.

If it boils down to connection etc, that's hard to determine off a single hookup, so I'm really not understanding why no one seems invested in wanting to know me more (even if its just to bang again).

Given everything I read on this forum, I'm wondering if my expectations or setup is wrong. I was super tempted to present myself as "vapid" and set up an Instagram, flashing my muscle and seeing what I get there, but that's just not me (and tbh I can't because of my work). I've even accepted any relationship I'm in is likely to be open, but I can't even get a second sexual encounter with the same guy, so I have no clue what's going on.

I completely understand there is always someone else etc but there are a tonne of guys who still are paired up (whatever the arrangement) and I'm getting very demotivated as I legitimately don't know how to 'improve' myself to attract someone. I am very happy with other aspects of my life e.g. great career/make good money, live independently, have solid friends etc so I don't get what is going on in my relationship life.

Any advice?
 

Evenflow618

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Change your mindset that somebody wants to be with you. Start thinking everyday somebody wants to be with you and they are your match. Second, stop hooking up unless that’s what you only want from a person. When you go out and meet somebody don’t take it to the bedroom right away. Meet and get to know the person. Third, start imagining the type of person you want to be in a relationship with you. Write it down put energy to it but don’t get too attached to it you have to let go the desire but live from it. Check in a week on what we got. Its going to take time however for the right person but you got to go through some people or enter the timelines for you and your partner to meet.
 

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The next time that you meet up with someone, have these lyrics in the back of your mind and then pause and ponder how they apply to that situation and moment.

 
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lostinspace94

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Change your mindset that somebody wants to be with you. Start thinking everyday somebody wants to be with you and they are your match. Second, stop hooking up unless that’s what you only want from a person. When you go out and meet somebody don’t take it to the bedroom right away. Meet and get to know the person. Third, start imagining the type of person you want to be in a relationship with you. Write it down put energy to it but don’t get too attached to it you have to let go the desire but live from it. Check in a week on what we got. Its going to take time however for the right person but you got to go through some people or enter the timelines for you and your partner to meet.
At the risk of sounding dismissive, this strategy does not work for me.

I have extensively tried to date and 'get to know someone' but beyond a first date, it doesn't really go anywhere. At least with a hookup, we both get some sex and I actually have fun. I'm also just a bit surprised none have led to a FWB situation either though.

That said, I did completely stop hooking up for more than a year, and I got nowhere. I spent a lot more time on dating apps, joining LGBT classes etc, and did not make a single connection. I felt even more isolated from the gay community and realised I really wasn't going to find anyone this way so went back to the hookups so at least I could meet gay men.

I have been to therapy to imagine the type of person etc but this has also come up quite empty because I really am lacking in real relationship experience. If I had some bad bf's I could start to realise what I can't tolerate etc. At the moment it is really a blank canvas which is why I'm probably over-indexed on "attraction".

The men I've been attracted to also vary and there is no specific 'type'. Through the hookups I've felt a connection to various types of men so its really hard to narrow down a type. I also have great friends, none of who I have slept with, so personality alone is not going to cut it for me. This is what is making things really difficult.

Also, I have noticed, especially in the city I live in, people just are not interested in 'gay' friendships. If you are not sleeping together, they find someone else, and move on. There is no reason to invest in you (particularly once in your mid 30s) as they have their friends etc.
 

lostinspace94

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The next time that you meet up with someone, have these lyrics in the back of your mind and then pause and ponder how they apply to that situation and moment.

To be honest, a one night stand would even be better than what I get. I have not had a sleepover in 7 years now... not because I chuck them out I might add.
 
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lostinspace94

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It takes a lot of swiping and first dates to find Mr. Right. Don’t give up and, in the meantime, have fun and enjoy your 30s. I didn’t meet my first real boyfriend (and now husband) until I was in my 40s.
I'm okay not meeting Mr Right, just tired of the very short term with everyone. Would be nice for example to have a sleepover, FWB or just a little more than a 1 hour hookup. Just struggling to even find that.
 
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At the risk of sounding dismissive, this strategy does not work for me.

I have extensively tried to date and 'get to know someone' but beyond a first date, it doesn't really go anywhere. At least with a hookup, we both get some sex and I actually have fun. I'm also just a bit surprised none have led to a FWB situation either though.

That said, I did completely stop hooking up for more than a year, and I got nowhere. I spent a lot more time on dating apps, joining LGBT classes etc, and did not make a single connection. I felt even more isolated from the gay community and realised I really wasn't going to find anyone this way so went back to the hookups so at least I could meet gay men.

I have been to therapy to imagine the type of person etc but this has also come up quite empty because I really am lacking in real relationship experience. If I had some bad bf's I could start to realise what I can't tolerate etc. At the moment it is really a blank canvas which is why I'm probably over-indexed on "attraction".

The men I've been attracted to also vary and there is no specific 'type'. Through the hookups I've felt a connection to various types of men so its really hard to narrow down a type. I also have great friends, none of who I have slept with, so personality alone is not going to cut it for me. This is what is making things really difficult.

Also, I have noticed, especially in the city I live in, people just are not interested in 'gay' friendships. If you are not sleeping together, they find someone else, and move on. There is no reason to invest in you (particularly once in your mid 30s) as they have their friends etc.

Isn't this the problem? Hookups are just that - hookups. I'm not gay, but I suspect that people who engage in hookups aren't looking for relationships. Have sex, go home, period.

Relationships are found in the traditional way: meet someone at work, at church, at the mall, exchange pleasantries, get to know each other, see where it goes.
 

lostinspace94

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Isn't this the problem? Hookups are just that - hookups. I'm not gay, but I suspect that people who engage in hookups aren't looking for relationships. Have sex, go home, period.

Relationships are found in the traditional way: meet someone at work, at church, at the mall, exchange pleasantries, get to know each other, see where it goes.
Yet when I ask almost any gay man how he found his bf his reply is a sex party, Grindr or otherwise.
 

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Im in a similar boat, mid 30s and never had a relationship even though ive slept with numerous people and swung with couples also. Few factors behind my lack of relationships and I know very well that I cannot fix some of them at all.

Its all basically down to numbers, you need to get out and meet more people. Just make it know ahead of time what youre looking for.
 

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Yet when I ask almost any gay man how he found his bf his reply is a sex party, Grindr or otherwise.
I wish I had met my husband at a sex party, but that’s for another thread.

The advantage (or disadvantage, depending on your point of view) of living in an enormous gay Mecca like London or New York is you have a lot of hookup options. It’s great if you like variety, but it makes it difficult if you’re looking for fuckbuddies. I had a number of fuckbuds when I lived in Minneapolis, but almost none after I moved to New York. The ones I did have were guys that invited me to groups they were hosting, we almost never hooked up one-on-one after our initial encounter.

I would focus on finding Platonic gay friends based around hobbies and mutual interests. Let the hookups be what they are. If they turn into more, great. When you live in a cocksucker’s candy store, you can’t expect a lot of repeats.
 

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Maybe you come across as clingy or desperate? Some ppl will automatically side eye a man 35+ yrs old and single, with no kids ...if no one has claimed him. Usually in this scenario, ppl might assume your standards are way too high or there is something wrong with you.

Of course neither may be true but it's human nature for ppl to make assumptions about men who are available (and attractive) yet chronically single.

Unfortunately you might carry the stigma for middle aged ppl who are still single, childless. You probably need to speak more on your dating history, so ppl will have a better understanding of your circumstances. That's something you have to start opening up about.
 

lostinspace94

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I wish I had met my husband at a sex party, but that’s for another thread.

The advantage (or disadvantage, depending on your point of view) of living in an enormous gay Mecca like London or New York is you have a lot of hookup options. It’s great if you like variety, but it makes it difficult if you’re looking for fuckbuddies. I had a number of fuckbuds when I lived in Minneapolis, but almost none after I moved to New York. The ones I did have were guys that invited me to groups they were hosting, we almost never hooked up one-on-one after our initial encounter.

I would focus on finding Platonic gay friends based around hobbies and mutual interests. Let the hookups be what they are. If they turn into more, great. When you live in a cocksucker’s candy store, you can’t expect a lot of repeats.
I have platonic gay friends (and straight friends). None have turned to more hence I keep trying to date / hookup etc and see what happens.

Just also confused as plenty of guys here are in relationships so it can't be that difficult. Maybe my expectations are wrong I don't know.
 

lostinspace94

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Maybe you come across as clingy or desperate? Some ppl will automatically side eye a man 35+ yrs old and single, with no kids ...if no one has claimed him. Usually in this scenario, ppl might assume your standards are way too high or there is something wrong with you.

Of course neither may be true but it's human nature for ppl to make assumptions about men who are available (and attractive) yet chronically single.

Unfortunately you might carry the stigma for middle aged ppl who are still single, childless. You probably need to speak more on your dating history, so ppl will have a better understanding of your circumstances. That's something you have to start opening up about.
The issue is there is literally no dating history. If I was in some relationships that didn't work I wouldn't be complaining. No one seems to want to invest in me beyond the hookup and I am clueless why (as are therapists). But I'm also at loss to see what to 'improve' in myself at this point.
 

Ahhh Ha

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The issue is there is literally no dating history. If I was in some relationships that didn't work I wouldn't be complaining. No one seems to want to invest in me beyond the hookup and I am clueless why (as are therapists). But I'm also at loss to see what to 'improve' in myself at this point.
The lack of dating history is your dating history. And that would surprise most ppl if you're desirable. Are the men you hookup with aware of your lack of connections? If not, then you're the one who isn't allowing ppl to get to know you.

Are you the person who is always looking for others to break the ice?
 

lostinspace94

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The lack of dating history is your dating history. And that would surprise most ppl if you're desirable. Are the men you hookup with aware of your lack of connections? If not, then you're the one who isn't allowing ppl to get to know you.

Are you the person who is always looking for others to break the ice?
Varies.
If we have sex, and I feel some connection, I will reach out.
A handful I have told my 'woes' but we still don't meet up again.
I don't know.