Story In Progress- The Idol

Discussion in 'Fictitious Stories' started by B_kdawg7736, Aug 19, 2009.

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How is the story so far?

  1. Excellent

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  2. Good

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  3. Fair

    3 vote(s)
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  4. Poor

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  5. Not Sure

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  1. B_kdawg7736

    B_kdawg7736 New Member

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    This is what I have finished of the story I am writing, "The Idol". I have sent out a poll a few weeks back about what you the viewers on this site want to read about. Most said a combo but mainly focusing on big boobs/big penises. Feel free to leave critiques but please be intelligent and courteous if you criticize it. Just suggests improvements since this is the first story I have ever written for this site.

    The Idol

    Before I get into my journey let me introduce myself, my name is Anna Marie Bates, a 23 year old woman who comes from the backwoods where very few people live. I rarely see other people within my age group so I can get very lonely sometimes. Living around the sticks has its advantages though, I tan nude in the backyard of my cabin and have wild drinking parties at time without fear of disturbing someone. Anyway, my whole life took a rocking turn for the better when I uncovered a secret book in the closet of the cabin I recently moved into.
    I was cleaning up my room a bit and I was taking stuff out of my closet whenever I noticed a piece of paper that I never recalled seeing. I opened it up and even though it was very faded, I read it as:
    “Go to the tallest tree on the mountain top and you will find a secret treasure of the Manokin Indians, where you will find a magic idol that will enhance your life on Earth. Say the words on the back while having a particular wish on the mind, and it will be granted instantly. If one possess this, infinite wishes will be granted.”
    I thought that this was all crap at first, and put the paper aside. A few days later I got bored and then the idea that came to me was to see if there really was an idol on the mountain top. I left my cabin and hiked up the mountain. It was about half a mile up it until I reached the top and then looked for the tallest tree. It was about an eighth of a mile to my right that I saw it. I dug around the dirt for a bit with the walking stick that I carried. I hit something hard after a few minutes, and some wooden idol that looked like an Indian popped out, and on the back it said:
    “Eros untey mago wati.”
    According to the document that explained the local legend, if I carried this and say these words I would get my wish and can have an infinite amount. I really wanted to see if this is true, so I said these words while thinking of a turkey and cheese wrap. All of a sudden, a nice wrap like I wished for appeared before me. I ate it and liked it, and thought of all the things I could do now.
    I hiked back home and took it in my bedroom. There were a lot of things I would want, and I started with being able to possess an infinite amount of money. All of a sudden, I went on the Internet and looked at my bank statement, it said 300 million dollars, I transferred some of that money into that savings, and it still said that amount. I was then all of a sudden getting a huge rush of the possibilities of what I can do. This also made me horny as hell so I was thinking of all the sexual things I could do to myself. I always wanted bigger boobs, being only a 34B and at times was teased by my bustier classmates for being smallish. So I thought while saying the magic words for a DD to start. All of a sudden I felt a sensation in my chest while my bra and shirt were being stretched to the limits. Then all of a sudden my bra burst open and my tight shirt was stretched so far I thought it was ripping. I took it off to reveal my bigger breasts.
    “I am loving this, but now I want to get bigger to like a I or a J or even a K.”
    I said the magic words while I thinking of being a K cup, and the whole episode of sensations began again. Now they were about the size of watermelons going down to my belly button and then I took everything off. Oh the horniess I get now. I have always wanted to be curvy all over, so the next place I looked was my hips and legs. I have always thought my legs were to skinny and the hips weren’t wide enough. So I did the drill again and now I have very wide hips, not too big though. But these were hips that would look great with a thong, showing each glute perfectly. My calves and thighs shaped out a bit too, as the calves are more round and I also have slightly bigger quads, I have worked in the gym to try to get bigger thighs and calves and it never really worked.
    “Now I have the body of a world-class stripper, just need to take some dancing lessons first.”
    Now I have had my weird fantasies too, like the whole growth fetish thing. I have always wanted to be tall, very tall in fact so tall I can not stand up in the cabin without having to bend over. I am not real short at 5’4”, but this was something I wish I could change. So that was the next thing I did, and then I felt a tingle all over my body and all of a sudden I started to grow. I thought of being three feet taller, so now I stand at 8’4”, nearly putting a hole in the ceiling of my cabin. I took the idol and went outside so I could stand up and figured what I could do out here….

    TO BE CONTINUED
     
  2. MrDuuude69

    MrDuuude69 Member

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    While your grammer and puctuation are fine, your writing lacks style. Be more descriptive of people, objects, actions. It will give the story more life.

    Also, you go through plot points very quickly. Slow down. My favorite stories have a slow, but steadily building plot. If each plot point gets resolved within a sentence or two, there's no rising tension, no drama.

    Finally, try to put in an antagonist, a person or idea ( or ... something) that is working against the main character. It helps build suspense.

    I hope this helps.
     
  3. softyadmirer

    softyadmirer Member

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    great start
     
  4. rough_neck_9_1

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    slow down your story, as to build deep sensationalism. Use better sensory detail. and try to balance the idols power as to avoid a god machine, or a trade off of sorts for each command given i.e balance out the power used with cost of the user in some form or another
     
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