Str8 Guy + Gay Guy Dynamic

[pinkpineapples]

Okay, so I've been around for a bit but haven't really posted much of anything and I need an unbiased opinion. Scratch that, advice. So today I was at work and my associate and I are watching people (he's girl-watching lol) and we're talking about his ex, what he's lookin for, etc etc. Anyway, he asks me if I have a gf, and I tell him no. He then asks if I have a bf. Again, I tell him no, but more sly & a grin on my face, so he knew. No biggie, doesn't bother me. I'll tell you if you ask.

Anyhoo. We talk about a few things, So my dilemma is this: I don't have a whole lot of friends, if any outside of my family...much less guy friends. This bonding thing we did all day is cool, cause like i said. No guy friends. The trick is, how do I avoid becoming attached? I know how it'll play out because I fell for a friend of mine in HS. He's straight, and i know it. But I feel like, the closer and closer we get; the more and more attached I become. And I don't want to develop this huge crush that's gonna tear me apart inside, ya know?

How do you avoid those feelings that are, in affect, being displaced onto him because there is a lack of 'gay man' to put it on? lol I don't want to make him uncomfortable and I don't want to be miserable. Plus we work together so...the more easy-going the better. Any advice?

 

[Charles Finn]

I had the same problem except I did have gay friends
i did not like straight men at all
till i met a few that were totally straight and did not care that i was gay
they were great friends
in high school i had a totally straight friend that looked out for me
just enjoy the friendship
treat him with respect and just enjoy the friendship.
one of the last friends i had that was straight his name was gary married with like 5 kids all of them girls so we did smoke weed together and we did joke around but nothing sexual ever came up
i still miss him
just be yourself and yes it is hard to control yourself but you can do and you will be better friends for it

 

[jackinjackson]

dude, been there done that! ended in a huge explosion, and not a good one. my advice to you is, just play out this situation a while, let him ask if you're gay, just say to him, you're his friend first, and youre gay second. assure him that you dont pressure anyone with your beliefs or sexual persuasion. if he continues to be comfortable with you and continues to bond your friendship, then nothing is wrong with it if he asks you questions about your sexuality, and then you ask him if he'd ever consider being orally pleased by another guy...even if it was a friend with benefits situation. if he says no..then let it go. just acknowledge it and say, the offer is open if u do change your mind...DO NOT PUSH IT. i actually had this married friend/co worker over, we cooked out, had some beers, watched some tv, then i popped in some porn..he knew i was gonna...he watched it for all of 20 mins or so, and decided it was time to go. it was straight porn. when he got up. i saw his cock 3/4 hard...i kind of walked in front of him while walking him out, and reached back and groped his cock. it didnt go over well at all. we dont even speak now. so, bottom line is....you can get dick all over town, you cant make many close friends. which is more important to you. and if you're super lucky, you'll have both , but...not likely. keep me posted.
and even in the straight male world, it hurts when a friend is lost...so dont feel badly about hurting by losing a friend...unless, like me, it was your fault.

 

[CUBE]

Well I think it is great you met a friend. This doesn't have to be your one and only either. Keep meeting other people too. Plus, maybe he knows someone looking for a sweet guy and maybe you will help him hook up with a gal. No need to compete so you have lots to support each other on.

 

[K.Dst]

Well basically there's not a lot of things you can do.
It's not like you were able to control all your emotions and desires.

Personnaly I lived that thing the other way around.
We were both gay, and quickly after we met he became the best friend I ever had. The kind of person I've been looking for my entire life. Even now I can't imagine finding somebody I could get more along with in decades.

But I never felt the slightest attraction for him, loving or even sexual, and he was just madly in love with me.
It was pretty nasty, I tried as hard as I could to fell in love with him, but I just couldn't. And he couldn't understand that.

That being gay / being straight thing? It's just an argument. If I were straight he would have understood that I didn't managed to fell in love with him. Here I didn't even had that argument.

 

[pinkpineapples]

Just drives me crazy lol. Rawr. I don't wanna feel emotionally attached in a way that goes further than friendship, and I have a feeling that's where I will end up.

Blah Blah Blahhhhh. =) Thanks guys. I appreciate all the insight.

 

[sykray]

We tend to have the myth that we can't help the way we feel. We can.

Loving someone, falling in love with someone, is not the same as trying to have sex with them. It is a mistake that men make more often than women do. We do not love someone to control them and have them fulfil our hops and dreams. We love them so that we support their best interests and help them to have their dreams come true.

Heed the replies that you've had so far.

You have already begun the process of inoculating yourself against falling for him (just re-read what you wrote). If you feel that making a closer freindship with him will inevitably lead to trying to seduce him then stop now. That is pursuing your selfish fantasy that he might be able to satisfy the voids in your life.

If, on the other hand, you can accept my point that loving him as a friend, with little or no ulterior motive to get into his underwear, then there is no need to fight your inclination to fall in love with him. You need a friend more than you need a lover at this stage. Don't confuse the two.

 

[pinkpineapples]

We tend to have the myth that we can't help the way we feel. We can.

Loving someone, falling in love with someone, is not the same as trying to have sex with them. It is a mistake that men make more often than women do. We do not love someone to control them and have them fulfil our hops and dreams. We love them so that we support their best interests and help them to have their dreams come true.

Heed the replies that you've had so far.

You have already begun the process of inoculating yourself against falling for him (just re-read what you wrote). If you feel that making a closer freindship with him will inevitably lead to trying to seduce him then stop now. That is pursuing your selfish fantasy that he might be able to satisfy the voids in your life.

If, on the other hand, you can accept my point that loving him as a friend, with little or no ulterior motive to get into his underwear, then there is no need to fight your inclination to fall in love with him. You need a friend more than you need a lover at this stage. Don't confuse the two.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. I'm by no means chasing him or LOOKING to get in his pants. (not that i would say no if he was like 'hey..lets do this') I'm a guy of course lol. I really need a friend, and I just have a horrible history of longing to give my heart away and blurring the boundary between someone who cares ABOUT me and someone who cares FOR me. I suppose being self-aware of the situation is a start?

I just suppose when being cut off from, and never having, that emotional connection a friend can give you and what you'd expect from a personal/intimate relationship; I think I become so overwhelmed that I want to flood it all at once? And unfortunately, on the same person.

Perhaps I should be a scientific study of what being cut off from social society can do to a gay kid, lol Inappropriate straight boy luv. =)

 

[hung9mike]

How do you avoid those feelings that are, in affect, being displaced onto him because there is a lack of 'gay man' to put it on?

I think you have to set limits for yourself and determine what it is if you want from this guy: Is it friendship? Or something beyond that? If it's friendship, you're in luck, it will be easy to set boundaries for your behavior with him. Gay guys can make friends with other guys, gay or straight, without having sexual or emotional tension involved. And I also think what sykray says is true:

We tend to have the myth that we can't help the way we feel. We can.

If it's something beyond friendship that you're looking for, move on. You should keep this guy at a friendly distance, because he will not ever be able to reciprocate those feelings.

 

[pinkpineapples]

Now he has a guy for me to meet. I have no idea how to interact with someone on that level. I know its just a meet, not an arranged marriage, but gah! Nervous =x No idea what to say, do...how to act. Why is this stuff so difficult?!

Anyone have an anti-anxiety pill I can take? lol

 

[B_Hung Jon]

So you fall in love with this guy and it makes you miserable for a while. Love is such a great thing that you should enjoy the ride.

 

[Charles Finn]

just be yourself

 

[pinkpineapples]

So you fall in love with this guy and it makes you miserable for a while. Love is such a great thing that you should enjoy the ride.

Cause my friend here in this situation is straight, and i would like to not ruin the relationship with a new and pretty much my only friend. He won't reciprocate that feeling and I'm trying to avoid increasing the emotional attachment that I'm starting to form for him. badness

 

[Pendlum]

It's okay to love your friends. I love some of my friends, it just is different kind of love.

One thing you should avoid doing is not keeping your eyes open for a gay (or bi) man that you can connect with and maybe even fall in love with. If you shut that possibility out, it's almost inevitable that you are going to fall for this guy one way or the other.

 

[crescendo69]

Maybe you should try to make some gay friends. There are support groups in many cities; perhaps you can google them and go to some meetings. I personally don't recommend gay bars, as there are a lot of things there not conductive toward making good friends.

 

[pinkpineapples]

Maybe you should try to make some gay friends. There are support groups in many cities; perhaps you can google them and go to some meetings. I personally don't recommend gay bars, as there are a lot of things there not conductive toward making good friends.

That is SO not my scene anyway lol, so no worry there. My aunt dragged me there for a Drag show last year, i think. I was so highly uncomfortable. Not use to being in a room full of guys who are staring at you, JUDGING, and wondering how good a lay you'll be. I'm all up for a good round of sex (not that I've had any), but I would like to know who you are, and in my opinion....that's not what a gay bar is for.

 

[jjsjr]

You're totally allowed to have straight friends, just like straight guys are allowed to have female friends (etc). Talk about whatever with him, there are not rules about that.

But always keep in mind that he's straight, no matter what you think about him, he's not going to think that about you. Respect the friendship, not the lust, and you will be able to manage that friendly distance.

PS: You're allowed to have crushes. Testosterone is one hell of a hormone!

 

[Harold81]

Pinkpineapples, I would suggest slowly and subtly begin to distance yourself from him....for your own good. It will be very difficult to do but know you CAN do it. I know the importance of FINALLY finding a "friend" that you are comfortable with, however the more time you spend with him the more intense your feelings will become. You already know where this is headed and it sounds as if you are familiar with the potential heartbreak that you will encounter.

BEGIN to avoid lunches with him unless others are involved. Avoid time with him alone. If he asks you out for a beer after work, say you have plans, etc. It doesn't have to be a rigid end but a gradual thing. You and I both know it is the better thing to do.

 

[pinkpineapples]

You're totally allowed to have straight friends, just like straight guys are allowed to have female friends (etc). Talk about whatever with him, there are not rules about that.

But always keep in mind that he's straight, no matter what you think about him, he's not going to think that about you. Respect the friendship, not the lust, and you will be able to manage that friendly distance.

PS: You're allowed to have crushes. Testosterone is one hell of a hormone!

Yeah. I'm trying to keep the mindset. I know I can't have him. Unfortunately, I'm wanting him more and more. I just need him to introduce me to this gay friend of his already. Maybe I can throw these emotions in a direction better suited.. damn hormones.

Pinkpineapples, I would suggest slowly and subtly begin to distance yourself from him....for your own good. It will be very difficult to do but know you CAN do it. I know the importance of FINALLY finding a "friend" that you are comfortable with, however the more time you spend with him the more intense your feelings will become. You already know where this is headed and it sounds as if you are familiar with the potential heartbreak that you will encounter.

BEGIN to avoid lunches with him unless others are involved. Avoid time with him alone. If he asks you out for a beer after work, say you have plans, etc. It doesn't have to be a rigid end but a gradual thing. You and I both know it is the better thing to do.

I don't want to do this, and probably won't. He's a really good guy and I really need a friend like him. I'm just lonely and internally confusing his kindness for something else, and in turn displacing my emotions. He's looking at introducing me to a guy he knows, so maybe that will help. I know its probably something i should do, simply because I feel like this...BUT it will happen with any guy I get close with, just because I need that connection.
------------------------

I really need this friendship. And I intend to pursue that...and only that. Hopefully, lol. I completely understand what's going on, it's just not that easy to fight... the brain is not as strong as the heart sometimes; that or science. Chemical reactions are pOwErFuL~

We might hang out tomorrow, go out and grab a bite to eat or something. Not sure yet. Worried about bringing him to the house, don't want everyone to think he's my boyfriend or something lol. (live with grandparents and aunt). Not sure what to do...what do guys do when they hang out? lol

 

[SR_Pepe Le Pube]

i hope you can be someone's friend and not just want to have sex with them. i have str8 friends and gay friends. both of whom i do not want to have sex with. they are my friends. sorry if i misunderstood the question but i think it is important to have friends that you don't want to have sex with. call me silly.