Str8 Guy + Gay Guy Dynamic

pinkpineapples

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i hope you can be someone's friend and not just want to have sex with them. i have str8 friends and gay friends. both of whom i do not want to have sex with. they are my friends. sorry if i misunderstood the question but i think it is important to have friends that you don't want to have sex with. call me silly.

No, I don't want that from him, I'm not lusting after him. Trying to avoid getting emotionally attached to him, beyond a friendship.
 

killerb

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I think you're thinking too much. Just be the guy's friend. You can have a friend and NOT fall in love, ya know.

Regarding the friend he wants you to meet, don't overthink that situation either. Just meet the guy, go out & have a drink or something. Don't expect anything more than just to have a nice evening.
 

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I have plenty of straight friends. Often, I have to remind myself of how lucky I am that I have straight friends who are so open and accepting. (Considering I was raised in a very religious family and attended equally religious schools.)

Has it ever crossed your mind a situation where you suddenly said to him: "I think you're hot." ??? Generally, the awkwardness stems from that moment there. Why not roll the dice, state your opinion, and move on. Essentially, you're complimenting him. If he can't take a compliment, let him go. You're still allowed to have your opinions.

And finally, just establish for your own sanity, remind yourself that there's never going to be a situation where the 2 of you will end up fucking. (Friends don't fuck.)
 

pinkpineapples

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I have plenty of straight friends. Often, I have to remind myself of how lucky I am that I have straight friends who are so open and accepting. (Considering I was raised in a very religious family and attended equally religious schools.)

Has it ever crossed your mind a situation where you suddenly said to him: "I think you're hot." ??? Generally, the awkwardness stems from that moment there. Why not roll the dice, state your opinion, and move on. Essentially, you're complimenting him. If he can't take a compliment, let him go. You're still allowed to have your opinions.

And finally, just establish for your own sanity, remind yourself that there's never going to be a situation where the 2 of you will end up fucking. (Friends don't fuck.)

I have actually given that specific action a lot of thought. To just be like 'dude...you're hot' lol I don't THINK he'd care, it would probably boost his ego even more. He's kinda big on himself lol. Trying to set up a night to hang out. If we can just chill for awhile...maybe the friend thing will click in place and the other will go out the door.
 

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We tend to have the myth that we can't help the way we feel. We can.

Loving someone, falling in love with someone, is not the same as trying to have sex with them. It is a mistake that men make more often than women do. We do not love someone to control them and have them fulfil our hops and dreams. We love them so that we support their best interests and help them to have their dreams come true.

Heed the replies that you've had so far.

You have already begun the process of inoculating yourself against falling for him (just re-read what you wrote). If you feel that making a closer freindship with him will inevitably lead to trying to seduce him then stop now. That is pursuing your selfish fantasy that he might be able to satisfy the voids in your life.

If, on the other hand, you can accept my point that loving him as a friend, with little or no ulterior motive to get into his underwear, then there is no need to fight your inclination to fall in love with him. You need a friend more than you need a lover at this stage. Don't confuse the two.


i completely agree with you.
this is one of the best advices i've read so far.
 

qwerty77ytrewq

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I've been in this situation...let me count...6, probably 7 times. I was not close friends with any males after my best friend moved away in sixth grade...until THE most popular guy in school joined the swim team our junior year of high school. I was the star swimmer, and he came to me for advice often, and we got really close...he was the first guy to treat me like just another dude. I "fell in love" with him eventually told him, and he handled it pretty well at first, but I didn't back off. I ended up making him extremely uncomfortable and we barely looked at each other for the next two years. It's hands down my biggest (if not my only) regret.
In college, I came out as gay...twice in college, I developed year long friendships with straight guys, and let myself fall in love with them (though I had long learned to keep those feelings to myself). I liked to tell myself that I couldn't help it...but that was bullshit. Feelings are a choice, and feelings change. Acting on those feelings is a choice. This past summer, a straight guy I worked with started harassing me about my sexuality in a way he thought was funny, but was strange to me...it seemed like he was flirting one minute and threatning me the next. He was absolutely beautiful, so it made it all the harder to deal with. Eventually, I called him out for it...he was apologetic, and we became pretty good friends, which made me start to fall for him...hard. A choice had to be made...have a smokin' hot friend, or have an awkward time trying to avoid a new enemy. It's okay to harbor the secret crush, it can be controlled...it's like a balance scale. Friend on one side, crush on the other. You and only you can choose where to put your weight. It takes practice to know how to be friends with someone like this...for me it was a lot of practice.

Love is love no matter how we try to divide it (friends, family, lovers)...you should be attached to your friend, and you should love him...but most importantly, put yourself in his shoes everytime you're unsure. The more you tell yourself you can't have him, the more you will want him. You already have him. He's your friend...the only thing you can do now is lose him. You've known each other barely any time at all...it's too early to be worrying. Maybe the more time you spend with him, the more you'll realize he's not "right" for you.

Some guys are okay with sexual joking, some aren't. Follow his lead...there are ways to compliment him without telling him he's hot if it comes down to you feeling the need to express your attraction. Maybe the best way to open a door between the two of you would be to throw out the name of this site and see if he's intrigued by anything on here.
 

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I know I can't have him. Unfortunately, I'm wanting him more and more. I just need him to introduce me to this gay friend of his already. Maybe I can throw these emotions in a direction better suited.. damn hormones.

He's a really good guy and I really need a friend like him. I'm just lonely and internally confusing his kindness for something else, and in turn displacing my emotions.

I really need this friendship. And I intend to pursue that...and only that. Hopefully, lol. I completely understand what's going on, it's just not that easy to fight... the brain is not as strong as the heart sometimes; that or science. Chemical reactions are pOwErFuL~

Sorry, but I think this has train wreck written all over it. By your own admission, you are way too needy to control your emotions right now. You are already in too deep to force yourself to walk away. I guess you'll just have to suffer through the eventual implosion of your relationship with him. It won't be easy and it won't be pretty, but sometimes that's the way love works.
 

pinkpineapples

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Sorry, but I think this has train wreck written all over it. By your own admission, you are way too needy to control your emotions right now. You are already in too deep to force yourself to walk away. I guess you'll just have to suffer through the eventual implosion of your relationship with him. It won't be easy and it won't be pretty, but sometimes that's the way love works.

Yeah, turned out that meeting him didn't happen and I've decided I won't. Also going to try my damnedest to shut off these feelings for this guy. I think I'm doing good and then somehow I stumble across his facebook pic. Work with him tomorrow morning too. ALONE. gah! I know I can do it, because I realize its infatuation mixed with me being lonely and latching onto the first person around...I get it. I know its happening, and if I need to distance myself, I'll do it. Just hope he doesn't take it the wrong way, or end up not liking me. *shrug*
 

AZNEWGUY

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I have a friend of 18 years and everything is great. He is the only one I told I was gay/bi and it freaked him out for a few days. Eventually he was cool with it and now the friendship is stronger. He knows I would NEVER do anything to him, and even gone on vacation with him a few times without any problems. I did have a moment of crush on him, but decided to just deal with it and just be friends. You'll realize being friends is a better deal.
 

LeeEJ

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(putting myself in a similar position, but I'm replacing "guy friend" with "friend who's a girl" in my mind.. hehe)

Just look for the things about him that would annoy you, and say to yourself, thank goodness I'm not in a relationship with him.

It should work, at least after a while. That's how I'm overcoming a multi-year crush on a neighborhood business manager and staying focused on my new marriage. The manager is fascinating, sexy, funny, and sociable, but when I really get down to details, my wife is a better match for me in absolutely every way.
 

pinkpineapples

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I have a friend of 18 years and everything is great. He is the only one I told I was gay/bi and it freaked him out for a few days. Eventually he was cool with it and now the friendship is stronger. He knows I would NEVER do anything to him, and even gone on vacation with him a few times without any problems. I did have a moment of crush on him, but decided to just deal with it and just be friends. You'll realize being friends is a better deal.

Yeah, I get that nothing will happen and its better as friends. He's head over heels for this girl anyway, and I want him to be happy. I just care too much. It'll pass in time I suppose. Just drives me crazy. The longing for something more is the hard part. He just happened to be in the way lol. Got hit in the drive-by.

(putting myself in a similar position, but I'm replacing "guy friend" with "friend who's a girl" in my mind.. hehe)

Just look for the things about him that would annoy you, and say to yourself, thank goodness I'm not in a relationship with him.

It should work, at least after a while. That's how I'm overcoming a multi-year crush on a neighborhood business manager and staying focused on my new marriage. The manager is fascinating, sexy, funny, and sociable, but when I really get down to details, my wife is a better match for me in absolutely every way.

Good point. It kinda works, because there are qualities in him that I don't want in my significant other. But then he does something and it doesn't matter lol. Heart > Brain. But yeah, I will def keep that in mind because I have a feeling it'll help me out in the long run. Thanks.
 

BIGBULL29

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Most friendships are just very superficial and meaningless in Anglo-Saxon countries.

I don't consider most online friends as real friends, either - far from it! There are, though, a few folks on LPSG that I like a lot (about 8 people).

To be real friends with someone, two people have to have things in common. Don't pretend to like things so people will be attracted to you. It is true that being yourself is the hardest thing to do, as it comes with a price of rejection and isolation. It's infinitely better to be myself and alone than fake and full of friends. That said, if you can find a friend that lets you be you, it's icing on the cake - cherish it! Being true to yourself, though, is first priority, no matter what.

Jason_Els was someone I did meet in real life on LPSG, and he was a friend; but, sadly, he died. Broke my heart...
 
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Good thread. I've been sort of going through the same, although I think I'm in sort of a different boat. But here goes:

I met a guy at work, whom approaced me out of the blue one day and said, "I seen you around and wanted to introduce myself". So, I was kinda sruck by his forthrightness and we started having coffee's and occassional short visits, he would come to my office to chat for a while.

Anyhow, I had him over one afternoon for some of my famous chilly...haha. We had a really good time. Throughout our interactions, I learned he is straight, married and has a child. Of course I don't really think anything is happening between us. But lately, as he has been to visit me at home a few times since, he is much more touchy feely...

and I mean starting to hug and plant the odd good bye kiss on me and I'm very scared that I will get emotionally involved in something I can't ever really be involved in owing to the fact he is married. But he is leaving me feeling like he has something else in mind. The hugs and kissies, granted I get all hot over it, but I don't make a move.

Finally, this last time he was over, we had a few drinks together and he is a small guy, so he jumped up in my arms and we held eachother for 5 or 10 minutes before I told him to go on home. With that, he asked me on a so called date, "Sugarbuns you wanna go for dinner and movie and spend the night together soon." So what gives, does he wanna date a man? or is it all just some silly little game or what. I dunno.
 

D_Polly_Femus

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This is a hard situation but I think you really just need to not have any expectations on the friendship. That way no matter what happens you won't get hurt. Let it flow and see what happens. He is your friend. If he wasn't your friend then he wouldn't talk to you or he would be very short with you. Even though he is your friend, don't limit yourself to just him because when one of you leaves the job or if he gets a gf then the friendship will change.

Just know in your heart that you have a friend...a "buddy." There is no way of telling how deep his friendship feelings are for you since I have not seen you two interact but he must think highly of you to want to hook you up with one of his gay friends. He would not do this otherwise.

From your earlier posts, I want to say from a mainly straight guy's perspective...do NOT say that you think he is hot. I think that can creep him out or get him thinking you actually like him more than just a friend. Let that come more down the line. From this thread, it seems like this friendship has only been for a week or two. That is way too quick for the "gay" guy he works with to be telling him he is hot. Just be friends...don't do anything that can make it seem you are hitting on him. Give it more time before you do that. I would wait at least a few months. Build a foundation first. Let him know who you are and that you two are just friends. Like others said and what you agree with, you're not going to have sex or be in a relationship so don't make him think you want to be. Let him get in his head that you two are just buddies...nothing more, nothing less. I think that will help you create a good bond with him.

I know also in one of your posts, you said that he is head over heels for some girl. Does she come into the place you work often? Have you met her? If so and there is a way to make small talk then after building some sort of rapport with her you should talk highly of him in front of her or something to make him look good. Nothing obvious that would make him or her feel uncomfortable but something that can help him with her. I think he would be truly grateful if you could help hook him up. Be his wingman. Every guy loves a good wingman. But make sure you are smooth and don't creep the girl out and ruin his chances with her. That could have a reverse effect on the friendship.

If you can be the gay guy who can talk to all the girls and help hook him up, I think you would have a friend for life. Problem with this is if you get jealous. But this goes back to you understanding that you two are just buddy's and nothing more and nothing less. You will never have sex with him or be in a relationship with him. To have a friend you need to be happy for them if they are happy and to help them if they need help. With that being said, you should want that friend to do the same for you in return. If they don't then they truly aren't a good friend and you should move on to the next person who comes into your life.

This is just some advice on my side and you don't need to listen to it at all but I thought I would chime in on the thread. If you want to talk more feel free to PM me. Good luck man and don't forget....don't have expectations, just enjoy the ride!
 

pinkpineapples

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Good thread. I've been sort of going through the same, although I think I'm in sort of a different boat. But here goes:

I met a guy at work, whom approaced me out of the blue one day and said, "I seen you around and wanted to introduce myself". So, I was kinda sruck by his forthrightness and we started having coffee's and occassional short visits, he would come to my office to chat for a while.

Anyhow, I had him over one afternoon for some of my famous chilly...haha. We had a really good time. Throughout our interactions, I learned he is straight, married and has a child. Of course I don't really think anything is happening between us. But lately, as he has been to visit me at home a few times since, he is much more touchy feely...

and I mean starting to hug and plant the odd good bye kiss on me and I'm very scared that I will get emotionally involved in something I can't ever really be involved in owing to the fact he is married. But he is leaving me feeling like he has something else in mind. The hugs and kissies, granted I get all hot over it, but I don't make a move.

Finally, this last time he was over, we had a few drinks together and he is a small guy, so he jumped up in my arms and we held eachother for 5 or 10 minutes before I told him to go on home. With that, he asked me on a so called date, "Sugarbuns you wanna go for dinner and movie and spend the night together soon." So what gives, does he wanna date a man? or is it all just some silly little game or what. I dunno.

That is much to inappropriate. He shouldn't be doing that. Now if my friend were doing that. I would put an end to it quickly. Its not fair. I would sit him down and be like i'm getting this vibe and it's confusing me. Just, lay it out and ask him what he's doing. Just reading that made my head spin, I can only imagine how you feel.
 

pinkpineapples

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This is a hard situation but I think you really just need to not have any expectations on the friendship. That way no matter what happens you won't get hurt. Let it flow and see what happens. He is your friend. If he wasn't your friend then he wouldn't talk to you or he would be very short with you. Even though he is your friend, don't limit yourself to just him because when one of you leaves the job or if he gets a gf then the friendship will change.

Just know in your heart that you have a friend...a "buddy." There is no way of telling how deep his friendship feelings are for you since I have not seen you two interact but he must think highly of you to want to hook you up with one of his gay friends. He would not do this otherwise.

From your earlier posts, I want to say from a mainly straight guy's perspective...do NOT say that you think he is hot. I think that can creep him out or get him thinking you actually like him more than just a friend. Let that come more down the line. From this thread, it seems like this friendship has only been for a week or two. That is way too quick for the "gay" guy he works with to be telling him he is hot. Just be friends...don't do anything that can make it seem you are hitting on him. Give it more time before you do that. I would wait at least a few months. Build a foundation first. Let him know who you are and that you two are just friends. Like others said and what you agree with, you're not going to have sex or be in a relationship so don't make him think you want to be. Let him get in his head that you two are just buddies...nothing more, nothing less. I think that will help you create a good bond with him.

I know also in one of your posts, you said that he is head over heels for some girl. Does she come into the place you work often? Have you met her? If so and there is a way to make small talk then after building some sort of rapport with her you should talk highly of him in front of her or something to make him look good. Nothing obvious that would make him or her feel uncomfortable but something that can help him with her. I think he would be truly grateful if you could help hook him up. Be his wingman. Every guy loves a good wingman. But make sure you are smooth and don't creep the girl out and ruin his chances with her. That could have a reverse effect on the friendship.

If you can be the gay guy who can talk to all the girls and help hook him up, I think you would have a friend for life. Problem with this is if you get jealous. But this goes back to you understanding that you two are just buddy's and nothing more and nothing less. You will never have sex with him or be in a relationship with him. To have a friend you need to be happy for them if they are happy and to help them if they need help. With that being said, you should want that friend to do the same for you in return. If they don't then they truly aren't a good friend and you should move on to the next person who comes into your life.

This is just some advice on my side and you don't need to listen to it at all but I thought I would chime in on the thread. If you want to talk more feel free to PM me. Good luck man and don't forget....don't have expectations, just enjoy the ride!

A lot of good advice here. Yes, I have met her. She seems to be a good person.. Def a good match for him, and he adores her. Better match, as they have much in common. I'm gonna nip it all in the bud. I do fawn over him, I don't know if he sees it or not. I'm trying to better myself in that respect. Sometimes it kills me, but I know fighting it is better than drowning in sorrow.

He def doesnt make it easy, because he knows I have a slight crush on him. And just like the first straight boy I fell in love with, he knows how to pull my strings lol. My boss told him no about something the other day, and after she left...he played me like a fiddle lol. Then batted those eyes and his smile and got lunch out of me too. Little bastard lol. I need to steel my heart and learn to love him for the friend he is/could be.