Straight friends "pretending" they don't know you're gay?

Lynx

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:confused:

Has anyone had the the experience of straight friends either completely avoiding any topics about relationships, sex, who they/you find attractive or just never ask? Could it be that they are uncomfortable and therefore are avoiding the subject, or, could I be imagining it and creating drama that isn't there. The strange thing is that I find myself playing along to the point that I will even purposefully look at an attractive girl walking by and/or make comments about her.
 

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Is this based on they know as in it is widely known or you told them and they avoid it completely or you think they should know but don't necessarily know concretely?
 

hungandquiteproud

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Are you asking if I avoid talking to a friend whom I know is not straight about their relationships and love lives BECAUSE of differences in our sexuality?

Nope. If you bring it up, I'll let you talk about and I'll ask questions that seem appropriate. How long have you known each other? Are you going on a date? Do you want an exclusive relationship? That kind of stuff. One of my (few) gay friends (that I have and am aware of their sexuality) does get a bit "much" sometimes when he keeps stopping mid-conversation to ogle some college guy walking down the street, but I just sorta roll my eyes and let him go on. In fairness, I do the exact same thing when fellow straight friends try too hard to respond to attractive women; it's equally annoying.

I'm indiscriminate when it comes to getting annoyed. And, truth told, fellow straight guys can be really annoying about this too. You don't need to try so hard or prove yourself to me. And if your goal is to get laid while we're having a drink, unless I'm specifically asked to serve on wingman duty, then you can do your own thing.

But I'll add this. You said in the OP that to avoid this drama you'd even pretend to find women attractive, right? Seriously? Why the fuck for? I get NOT wanting to make a big deal of a relatively harmless social fact (you liking other guys), but I don't get the extra production. If you have to do all that to hang with a friend, then they better have something extra magical about them; otherwise, it isn't worth all this nonsense. You're also not obligated to wear rainbow everything and fawn all over dudes, gay and not. Look, man, just be yourself. You deserve that much.
 
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I just hired a guy at work and everyone who met him thinks he's gay. But obviously I'm not going to ask him. I've never asked any straight friends if they were straight. Why should I bring it up with him? If he wants to talk a about it, that's his business.
 

hrdhatdad

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I grew up with a guy that I'm still in touch with from time to time. We were very close friends in high school and now live in the same city. We are both in our early 50's. He will never discuss the fact that I am gay. I think it's more or less due to the fact that he never suspected and we were separated at different colleges when I "came out". I have tested the waters by attempting to bring up relationships. He has no problem taking about his wife (now divorced) or kid but will quickly change the topic if I begin discussing any aspects about my own love life. I basically choose to just drop it. I think in his case, his attitude is generational. Had we been born and raised 10 years later, I'm sure it would be a non-issue. I'm fairly discerning and have noticed that a lot of straight guys that are my age or older have a difficult time normalizing a "gay" relationship.
 
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Lynx

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Are you asking if I avoid talking to a friend whom I know is not straight about their relationships and love lives BECAUSE of differences in our sexuality?

Nope. If you bring it up, I'll let you talk about and I'll ask questions that seem appropriate. How long have you known each other? Are you going on a date? Do you want an exclusive relationship? That kind of stuff. One of my (few) gay friends (that I have and am aware of their sexuality) does get a bit "much" sometimes when he keeps stopping mid-conversation to ogle some college guy walking down the street, but I just sorta roll my eyes and let him go on. In fairness, I do the exact same thing when fellow straight friends try too hard to respond to attractive women; it's equally annoying.

I'm indiscriminate when it comes to getting annoyed. And, truth told, fellow straight guys can be really annoying about this too. You don't need to try so hard or prove yourself to me. And if your goal is to get laid while we're having a drink, unless I'm specifically asked to serve on wingman duty, then you can do your own thing.

But I'll add this. You said in the OP that to avoid this drama you'd even pretend to find women attractive, right? Seriously? Why the fuck for? I get NOT wanting to make a big deal of a relatively harmless social fact (you liking other guys), but I don't get the extra production. If you have to do all that to hang with a friend, then they better have something extra magical about them; otherwise, it isn't worth all this nonsense. You're also not obligated to wear rainbow everything and fawn all over dudes, gay and not. Look, man, just be yourself. You deserve that much.
Thanks for taking the time for your reply, I appreciate it and understand your points. I sometimes don't even realize I look at girls, I think it has become just automatic after so many years. Boobs aren't that bad after all LOL But, maybe that's for another thread. As sexuality is just one aspect of my very interesting personality, I suppose it just does not come up often unless I am with other gay friends.
 

Lynx

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I grew up with a guy that I'm still in touch with from time to time. We were very close friends in high school and now live in the same city. We are both in our early 50's. He will never discuss the fact that I am gay. I think it's more or less due to the fact that he never suspected and we were separated at different colleges when I "came out". I have tested the waters by attempting to bring up relationships. He has no problem taking about his wife (now divorced) or kid but will quickly change the topic if I begin discussing any aspects about my own love life. I basically choose to just drop it. I think in his case, his attitude is generational. Had we been born and raised 10 years later, I'm sure it would be a non-issue. I'm fairly discerning and have noticed that a lot of straight guys that are my age or older have a difficult time normalizing a "gay" relationship.
I completely understand and think that I am in the same situation minus the age difference.
 

whiteboy23

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Straight friends "pretending" they don't know you're gay?

You have scare quotes around the word pretending. Are you saying they're not pretending and they really don't know you're gay?

Or do you mean: Straight friends who "don't know you're gay"? meaning they do know.

I'm confused.
 
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Baoka

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I've been in that position before. I might have had some assumptions, but if the guy never mentions it, I don't either. Why would I?

It's an extremely personal matter, and while I might listen if he wants to talk about it, I really have no interest in finding out what he gets up to or with who.
 
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travis1985

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I think it might be the thing you mentioned about imagining drama where there is none. It's none of anyone else's business, and what you're describing sounds like people respecting that. They also probably expect, based on personal experience or scenarios they've witnessed, that talking about it would just get them accused of meddling or heckling. It isn't - or shouldn't be - something that requires a lot of explicit acknowledgement from your friends anyway.
 
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KuronoB

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I've had similar experiences. During college (I graduated a few years ago), I was out to everyone in my fraternity, so everyone knew I am gay, and everyone knows that everyone else knows I am gay. I was just hanging out with some of them a few weeks ago, and by now, everyone is age 23-26, and they talk to me about going to see titties at a strip club, or ask me who are my favorite women in bars. I'm sure they didn't forget that I'm not into women.

Although I find this a little unusual, I am not offended, and I don't think this is done with ill intent. I just think they're uncomfortable talking about my sexuality, which they understandably view as my business only. So, they kind of ignore it in their minds.
 

Lynx

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I've had similar experiences. During college (I graduated a few years ago), I was out to everyone in my fraternity, so everyone knew I am gay, and everyone knows that everyone else knows I am gay. I was just hanging out with some of them a few weeks ago, and by now, everyone is age 23-26, and they talk to me about going to see titties at a strip club, or ask me who are my favorite women in bars. I'm sure they didn't forget that I'm not into women.

Although I find this a little unusual, I am not offended, and I don't think this is done with ill intent. I just think they're uncomfortable talking about my sexuality, which they understandably view as my business only. So, they kind of ignore it in their minds.
I get it completely, thanks!
 

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I think it might be the thing you mentioned about imagining drama where there is none. It's none of anyone else's business, and what you're describing sounds like people respecting that. They also probably expect, based on personal experience or scenarios they've witnessed, that talking about it would just get them accused of meddling or heckling. It isn't - or shouldn't be - something that requires a lot of explicit acknowledgement from your friends anyway.
You might be 100% right; hadn't considered that viewpoint.
 

Lynx

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Straight friends "pretending" they don't know you're gay?

You have scare quotes around the word pretending. Are you saying they're not pretending and they really don't know you're gay?

Or do you mean: Straight friends who "don't know you're gay"? meaning they do know.

I'm confused.
You're right, the quotes could be confusing although every other responder understood. I meant it in that they seemed to be pretending as I find it difficult for any of my friends to have not understood I'm gay but, it could be that my big 'ole secret is actually a secret to some people (in which case they aren't pretending).
 

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:confused:

Has anyone had the the experience of straight friends either completely avoiding any topics about relationships, sex, who they/you find attractive or just never ask? Could it be that they are uncomfortable and therefore are avoiding the subject, or, could I be imagining it and creating drama that isn't there. The strange thing is that I find myself playing along to the point that I will even purposefully look at an attractive girl walking by and/or make comments about her.
If you are at the point of just playing along is confusing your friends . You yourself are giving them mixed signals . Don't your friends have girlfriends they talk about? Are you not confident enough with your own sexuality to be who you are?
 
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:confused:

Has anyone had the the experience of straight friends either completely avoiding any topics about relationships, sex, who they/you find attractive or just never ask? Could it be that they are uncomfortable and therefore are avoiding the subject, or, could I be imagining it and creating drama that isn't there. The strange thing is that I find myself playing along to the point that I will even purposefully look at an attractive girl walking by and/or make comments about her.
This is going to take time to work its way through the culture. Every gay person will need to work with the issues at his/her own level.

By now most adults (especially in their 30’s and up) are sensitive to any sexual discussion that puts them in an unknown territory. As has already been pointed out neither gay nor straight want to make others confess that they are uncomfortable or unknowledgeable about the subject.

At the community level there is a great need for gay relationships to act as models. This would go a long way to challenge and remake the very coercive nature of the current heteronormative culture we now live in. For the most part what this means is that gays must become visible and positive members of all areas of life, especially where the greatest resistance now exist.

Here is one interesting report that might get the conversation started: (https://www.gottman.com/about/research/same-sex-couples/)

Straight couples may have a lot to learn from gay and lesbian relationships,”
“When it comes to emotions, we think these couples may operate with very different principles than straight couples".
 
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Dport

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My good buddy is gay and I kinda sorta forget sometimes. But then again neither one of us mentions who's hot or whatever unless it's completely fuckin' obvious.
 
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ItsAll4Kim

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You're right, the quotes could be confusing although every other responder understood. I meant it in that they seemed to be pretending as I find it difficult for any of my friends to have not understood I'm gay but, it could be that my big 'ole secret is actually a secret to some people (in which case they aren't pretending).

They can't "understand" you're gay unless you tell them. Assuming it's something they need to know anyway. If they all share personal details (lots of male friends don't) but you don't, that may make some of them assume, guess, figure, etc. but not *know*. I'm friends with a guy who everyone else assumes/guesses is gay because he's never with anyone, and his voice has a very slight feminine tone. Nobody who's known him longer than me can recall him with anyone. They ask one another, they ask me, but never ask him...they know it really isn't their business, and it doesn't change the friendship.

I suspect or fear that he had a love of his life and lost it. THAT is why I would never intrude on his privacy to satisfy my curiosity.

At any rate, only you can answer your question. Only you should decide what to tell your friends. It really is only your business.

I really wish this never had to be an issue for anyone. So far to go...
 

KuronoB

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I get it completely, thanks!

Now that it has been a while since my comment in 2013, I have a few more ideas.

1. Maybe your friends can't relate to some gay experiences or ideas unless they have a point of comparison. For example, a lot of my straight friends (both male and female) asked me questions about Grindr after they used apps like Tinder. This common experience gave us something to talk about and compare, whereas before using straight apps, they wouldn't know where to start with asking about Grindr or other apps. Now that many of my friends are married or in serious relationships, and I'm in a gay relationship, we compare and contrast relationship experiences. "My wife gets angry about [stereotypical issue X]. Is that an issue for gay guys too?"

2. Maybe people are just more comfortable talking about gay topics, as society becomes more accepting with every passing day, and gay topics are more common in media. Once in a while, my friends might send me a gay-interest news article they see. It is sometimes awkward, but generally thoughtful and well-intentioned.

Now that a few years have passed, have your friends stopped "pretending"?
 
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