Hey, I was in a similar situation with not being out at all up until I was 23. Although, I am gay rather than bisexual, so maybe the situation is not entirely the same, but I thought I would write a response in case you found any part of it helpful, or perhaps in the future some other guys out there who may be struggling, and come cross this thread might find this helpful too.
I wrote two parts here. The top part is my experience of coming out, you can skip this part it if you don't have time to read it, or are not really interested, and the second part contains my suggestions about ‘coming out’, probably the part you are most interested in... (if you do eventually decide to come out that is).
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My story:
There were also guys in my group of friends at the time I was in the closet who I did not think would be accepting, they also used to throw around the word "gay" a lot. In fact, there was this one guy at school that they used to tease about being gay (he actually wasn't, and is now happily married). I won't say his surname, but they used to yell out "_________ is a poofter", as if they were chanting at a cricket game or something. I know the guy they teased didn't care about it, he used to laugh at them. But the fact they even said things like that made me want to hide my sexuality so much more.
Anyway, I had resolved in my mind that I would never come out or tell anyone how I felt. Ever. Then one night at the pub, one of my friends (a girl) and I were sitting alone and out of the blue, she asked me "what's wrong?" I think she could tell that something had been weighing on my mind because I hadn't really been my cheerful self the last couple of times I'd seen her. I told her "nothing's wrong", but she kept insisting - asking me over and over. I was stubborn, I just wasn't gonna say anything at all, no way. And then out of nowhere, this one random involuntary tear left my eye and ran down my cheek. Well, that was it, lol. She practically lost her shit, and said that we weren't leaving until I told her what the fuck was going on! (and we had gone to the pub in her car, so I was kind of stuck if I didn’t want to walk home haha). Anyway, it took me another 20 minutes just to tell her I was gay (or rather she said it for me), every time I tried to say something to her, I felt like I couldn't speak, like my voice box was broken or something. By this stage she was going through a list of possible things it could be and eventually she arrived at "do you like guys?" and I just kind of nodded. She laughed, gave me this massive hug, and told me no matter what, she will always be my friend and support me. And from that point on she slowly helped me tell my other friends, one at a time (she mostly did the talking for me, but I was completely happy with that).
There was this one friend that I was particularly scared about telling, probably because the thought of losing him as a friend was unimaginable at the time, and out of all my friends, he was the one that I thought would be least accepting (the "straightest" - in the sense of how much he liked talking about girls...). But his reaction to me being gay was the one that surprised me the most. My friend (the girl) told him, and he turned towards me and said "nothing changes", and I guess I must have looked unconvinced or something, cause I was sort of looking down, and not at him. So he grabbed my chin, pushed my head up, looked me dead in the eye (he hadn't really done anything like that before), and said it again more forcefully "nothing changes, you're still my friend". It’s like he really wanted to make sure I understood, I mean he was never going to get emotional about it, and would never be able to relate to my situation, but it was probably his way of telling me that he accepted me, no matter what.
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'Coming Out' Suggestions:
Ultimately the decision to tell others about your sexuality is yours, and you don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to, but here are my suggestions if you do decide that you want to tell your friends:
- Tell just one other person first. Pick the person that you trust the most, and who you think will be the least phased by it. And pick the right time too, don’t tell that person when either of you are really drunk or when there are other people / distractions around. Telling one other person first will be like a good practice run, and give you a bit of confidence to tell others.
- Don’t tell a large group of your guy friends at once, take people aside at different times, or even tell 2 or 3 at a time, but don’t just tell everyone when you’re in a large group. I say this because some guys may react negatively in a big group, not because they care about it as such, but more from the point of view that they may consciously or subconsciously think that the other guys in the group expect them to react in a negative way, to sort of prove that they are straight and not into guys themselves, if that makes sense.
- Be prepared that you may lose a couple of your friends, or that they may just slowly become more and more distant with you. It’s unlikely, but possible, and it will be easier for you if you prepare yourself that it could happen. Personally, I would say “Fuck ‘em, they’re not really your friends!”, but it’s easy for me to say that now, and back then I know I would have been really upset about that kind of situation. So try not to take it too personally if it does happen, it’s really their issue (but I know it would be hard).
- Be prepared that some guys may just assume that you’re into them just because you like guys, even though that we both know this is not the case. (Out of my group of 10-15 school friends, I was only genuinely physically attracted to 1 or 2, so I completely understand you’re concern here). But if any of them get a bit out of hand with it, and you want to put them back in their place, just think of a good comeback to have ready that will shut them down, something with a bit of humour or sarcasm, but nothing too offensive (unless you don’t like that person or really want to shut them down if they're being a dick about it). This is a terrible example, because I can’t think of something witty right now and it kind of has to be something that applies to your mates and what they’re like and their sense of humour, but something like “Yeah sorry mate, you’re not really my type, I’m only attracted to guys who don’t skip leg day…”
- Be prepared that there will be two main types of reactions 1) Some of your mates will listen to what you say when you tell them, take it on board and never really talk about it ever again. Don’t take this kind of reaction the wrong way, its not that they are uncomfortable or have a problem with it, it’s just that they don’t really know what to say or how to relate, but they do still want to be your friend and, 2) there will be other friends who will talk about it with you, and they will be just generally curious, they might point random guys out and ask you do you think that that guy is hot, or they will be curious about how two guys have sex and what position your prefer and so on, so that can be kind of fun.
- And here’s the funny thing, it may or may not happen to you, but I’ve found that since I came out some of straight friends opened up to me a lot more one on one to talk about their feelings and other stuff about their relationships. I guess it’s because they feel like they don’t have to be so ‘macho’ around me and can let their guard down a bit, and I guess they assume I am more in touch with my emotions, (which I don’t know if I am or not lol), but I am happy to know that they feel like they can talk to me about anything at all without judgement. So, the upside is some of your friendships may become stronger too.
Anyway, I think you should give your friends more credit, they may actually surprise you! I know some of mine did. I was imagining all kinds of terrible scenarios, but mostly everyone was completely fine with it and couldn't have cared less. At the end of the day, I think it is better to risk losing one or two friends, and living your life how you want to, rather than living a certain way or hiding your true self so as to not make others feel uncomfortable or to not lose any friendships. One last thought, it may be helpful in your own mind to try to figure out are you just attracted to guys sexually, or would you also want to be open to pursuing a relationship with a guy as well? I’m sure it will come up, so you should think about it before hand so you know how you would respond to that kind of question if your friends ask, and it may also affect your decision on whether or not to come out., the former might be easier to do without coming out than the latter.
I hope everything works out for you the way you want it to, and good luck!
