Y'know, I normally hate admitting this, because I hate the way people tend to treat me after I've told them, but a few people have brought up their frustration at the assumption that molestation forces you into one sexual orientation or another... So here goes...
I, too, had an encounter with an older male babysitter as a child. I also had a very minimal encounter with an older stepsister at a very young age, as well as a bit of the more commonplace experimentation amongst my peers.
I don't like discussing this, because I still haven't totally sorted out how I feel about it all... I know how I've been told I'm supposed to feel, and it seems to contradict with what is actually going on inside me. When I've told people who haven't experienced it, I often feel like I'm seen as damaged goods, and people assume this is the kind of thing that "makes" one bisexual... I grappled with this myself after hearing it so much, and I've come to the conclusion that it just isn't so.
I recall messing around with kids my own age before and after the babysitter/stepsister things happened. Both boys and girls. I was a very sexual person then, as I am now. There's such an impulse to protect children in our society, that we view any sexual expressions among young children to be unsettling and shocking. We make it clear that that kind of behavior is wrong and is something to be reserved for when you are "older" (whenever that is). I recall very vividly the incident with the babysitter, and I was interested in what was going on at the time. I remember him asking me if I wanted to do it, and I agreed, as I was very curious. It's easy to say that it was entirely his fault, and that he was a predator, and all these other things we've been force-fed, but when I look at it all these years later, he was a child himself. Maybe not in age, but mentally and emotionally so for sure. He was molested, and I'm not sure to what degree, but now, looking back on it, I really can't be that angry with him. I have been told the police were involved after I revealed to my mother what had happened. She says I was upset when I told her... Maybe I was horrified... Maybe I was just afraid of getting in trouble. In any event, she did what any good mother would do by comforting me, and she did her best to see to it that the person who hurt her child was punished. I often wonder what became of this boy, and if he was able to get help.
As for my stepsister, as I've said, it was a very tame encounter, and I remember at that time also not being opposed to what happened. I have reason to believe she was also abused and had a great deal of emotional problems. I didn't tell anyone about what went on between this girl and myself until years afterward. Maybe I was afraid of having a big deal made out of it. In any event, I wonder about her, too, and what kind of life she's living. I hope the best for her... For both of them, really.
I don't carry any spite or anger toward either of them. I've been told so many times that what happened to me was terrible and it was all their fault, and it always somehow winds up making me feel embarrassed, because I know that a part of me did genuinely want it. YES, I SAID IT. I sometimes feel that the way I've been talked to and about concerning these events are the only reason I still even recall them. Very few people are willing to accept that this was anything short of a tragic event in my life. Very few people are willing to understand that I don't want to identify as a victim. I don't think any of these events "made" me anything. It's just part of my life experience.
NOW... Please understand that I'm not advocating child rape in any way, shape, or form. I'm not encouraging incest. I'm not making excuses for the sadistic people out there that are old enough to know better than to prey on children. I do realize there are people out there, like the people who have been brave enough to share their stories on this tread, that have suffered because of sexual abuse. I know that a lot of folks don't get off light like I did, with a couple of isolated incidents. I know that the abuse can drag on for years, and can be very painful. For those people, my heart truly goes out to them. What you've experienced is something I can't imagine, and I'm sorry that your introduction to sex had to be so negative.
That being said, I think there might be a lot less problems for kids who had things happen to them like what happened to me if we weren't so stigmatized by others. Yes, it happened, but am I scarred for life? Hardly. Is it the cause of my every character "flaw"? I doubt it. I don't like having things assumed about me because of such a minor couple of events.
(...So that's my life story. Yawn, I know.)
), so I know that the day will come when you are ready to take the next step in the process.
