Straight guy in tough situation- Advice please.

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by latinkid22204, Sep 20, 2010.

  1. latinkid22204

    latinkid22204 New Member

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    This is very hard for me to get off my chest because the more I think about it, the more it worries me. I've never told anyone but it's really killing me inside.

    First off, I consider myself straight and have always dated girl. I have always been very open-minded about sexuality and sometimes felt curious about being with another guy.

    This past spring, I met this guy (I'll call Tony) through some mutual friends at a party. He and I got along really well and we started hanging out a lot. After a while, I kind of considered him my best friend because we had a lot in common and we both trusted each other. One night, while we were having some drinks, I opened up to him about being slightly curious. He admitted that he was also. To make a long story short, we ended up really liking eachother. Weeks went by and we would talk over the phone almost every night as if we were dating. I was really scared a the thought of possibly falling in love with a guy but at the moment, it didn't matter to me. During the summer, we decided to meet up to hang out. He invited me over to his place and we ended up having sex. It was my first time ever doing anything with a guy and I REALLY enjoyed it. It was probably the best sex I had ever had in my life. VERY passionate.

    Unfortunately, after that night everything went down hill. He became really scared about the feelings he had for me and what we had just done. After 3 days of trying to get a hold of him over the phone, we finally spoke. He explained that he was scared "of being gay" and didn't want to continue anything. He told me that we should go our separate ways and pretend like nothing ever happened between us. Hearing those words crushed me. I had never cried for a girl but that night....I cried like a baby. Something about him made me feel so comfortable and on top of the world. If things would have escalated, I would have gone as far as to told my parents and family about my sexuality...just to be happy with him.

    It's been 2 months now since that night we slept together. I have seen him at friends parties and campus events about 3 times now. Every time I run into him, it's very awkward. We still say hi to each other out of courtesy, but thats about it. We have a lot of friends in common and live in the same area so I'm sure we'll be running into each other a lot.

    Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I constantly think about what could have been. I have never felt this way about anyone before and it really sucks. I really wish he could get over his denial about things and we could be together.

    What should I do? Do you guys think he will ever get over his fear of "being gay"? Does he ever think about me?

    Any advice is appreciated. Thanks for understanding.
     
  2. deano-uk

    deano-uk Active Member

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    Hi - I think that you are at the point in your life, where you accepting your sexuality is here, however, not everyone reaches that stage at the same time, there is always the feeling of rejection and humiliation from friends and family. I am sure he does think of you and must be trying to surpress his feelings.. You both obviously shared a very special bond...
    Does he know that you would have come out to your parents, try to meet him in a public place, but secluded enough to be able to chat freely with each other.. let him talk about his parents, his feelings then tell him how you feel.
    It can be very difficult to accept your feelings I didn't come out until later years, did all the straight life first for many years, but always had the feelings of being attracted to men, fantacised over men when jerking.. but it took me 35 year to accept it and come out
    I was worried about my Mum and brother accepting me and my children, have accepted me and so have my close friends and many of my customers - it becomes all matter of fact in the end, they say you are just you, exactly the same, if you are happy why should it make any difference.

    But true to be said, now everyone has the experience I have, and do get rejected so it is a big step.

    Have you now come out yet?

    Good luck
     
  3. dustin7

    dustin7 Member

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    Just give him some space man. Let him think it over.
     
  4. kundalinikat

    kundalinikat Member

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    First of all... you're not 100% straight. At least, your sexual history is not 100% straight! I find that the easiest way to Avoid Being Afraid of being gay is just to not consider yourself with terms for a while. You don't need to fit into a word of 'straight' or 'gay' with no other adjectives to describe yourself with, so there's really no reason to dwell on angst about what it means to your identity. I find that things become easier if you just try not to 'forget' anything you've done - that's just silly.

    There's no reason this guy with whom you fucked should be ashamed of himself, either, for the same reasons.

    All this said, there's also no reason for you to wait, and pine, and hurt for this guy. You should definitely approach him again just one more time, at least. You should approach him if he's not talking to you.

    The other way to stop waiting, pining, hurting for someone is to go date somebody else! Plenty of fish, dude.
     
  5. actioncfc

    actioncfc Active Member

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    Sorry dude! In the same boat in a way. It is not any fun...........
     
  6. D_Martin van Burden

    D_Martin van Burden Account Disabled

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    I hope getting this off your chest makes you feel better. You're very courageous for sharing your story with us.

    For just a moment, take the gay or straight or bisexual vocabulary out of your story and recognize how beautiful it is. As much pain as this is causing you (and it's probably because you're trying to reconcile your heterosexual history with this fling you had with your friend), recognize that this is what love is going to feel like (at times) regardless of the receiving partner. The pain you feel walks hand in hand with caring and compassion and intimacy toward others, and that's still a sign of maturity.

    That said, I think you and your friend sound like you're really in two different head spaces. Again, as painful as this is, you're actually addressing the issue at hand -- how you feel about your friend, what kind of relationship you want, what does this mean down the road. Whether deliberate, stubborn, or scared shitless, he's refusing to address it. You can't negotiate with someone who isn't sitting on the other side of the table. On top of that, you can try to interact with your friend (or at least get come closure about whether you two can be friends). You can't force him though. The sooner you realize that, the easier it is to begin coping with what happened, whatever the results may be.

    The only other thing I'd say is this. You're young. You're going to meet and care for and having fun fucking around with more people in your life. This guy isn't an end-all, be-all; and he shouldn't be either! Look, I'm not telling you to go hunt down a replacement -- guy or girl. I'm just asking that you don't shut out some possibilities in life just because they weren't sour. Hell, if I did that, I'd be doomed to spend the rest of my life with 106 cats, alone, because dating and mating come with no guarantees.

    Additionally, while I recognize that I'm straight, I really do believe that you can't control who you fall in love with in life. Sure, there are high statistical probabilities for straights that it will be with someone of the opposite sex, and gays the same sex. But life is so beautiful, so complex, so unpredictable. You couldn't have known how you would feel about your friend, so imagine that same sense of adventure reserved for someone else who's really special in your future.

    Good luck, man.
     
  7. erratic

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    I've heard many stories like yours. You're totally normal, and I'm sorry that this good friend is reacting the way he is. I'm not surprised, but I'm sorry - it sucks for you.

    What should you do? Let him know that when he's ready to be friends again you will be too. He's off on his own journey right now, and I can see you know his space needs to be respected. It sucks that you lost (temporarily, probably) a good friend, but this is the way life works.

    Will he ever get over his fear of being gay? Maybe, maybe not. It sounds totally cliché, but it's true: We can't predict the future. Trying to is just a lesson in frustration.

    Does he ever think of you? Of course. Thinking of you and thinking of the great sex you had is what's screwing with his head right now. It's called cognitive dissonance and it's a very powerful reaction that people get. He, like you, genuinely thought he was a heterosexual. Now that he's been attracted to, passionate with, and had sex with another man that view of himself does not fit with the facts. Cognitive dissonance is a very disruptive force in our lives, and it's one of the things that forces us to look at the truth.

    Listen, some day he's going to come to some kind of peace with what's happened. Maybe that will be denial, maybe he'll admit to himself that he's curious, but tell everyone he's straight; maybe he'll realize he's queer but closet himself, or maybe he'll come out. Who knows? All you can do is wait and see, and let him know that you'll be around when he comes to terms with himself.

    As for you, I recommend you try to crush on guys who are confident about being queer. If you want to keep fooling around with guys, that is (and I suspect you do because, as you and I both know, fooling around with guys is awesome). Sex with straight men always leads to some kind of drama and confusion, whereas sex with nice, honest, hot gay/bi guys comes with much less of both but just as much of the fun.

    Good luck.
     
  8. AlteredEgo

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    I'm sure he thinks about you too. However, he's made his decision, and you should move on the way you would if any relationship had ended, for any reason. Just do whatever it is you usually do when you are feeling blue, and pick up the pieces. Meet new people, be open to new experiences, and let him go so that you will be ready when the right situation for you comes along. Youhave to remember: The fact that it seems like the perfect fit to you, and you would have been able to accept a paradigm shift and even share this change with your family, doesn't automate that he feels exactly the same way, or that he could ever be open about a same sex relationship with his family and friends. I'm so sorry it didn't work out this time. Your broken heart will heal. Take your time.
     
  9. TomCat84

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    Some good advice here. I would emphasize the fact that you need to figure yourself out first. Don't worry about what this guy does or does not want to do. Heartbreak is a part of life. Sure, he's afraid of being gay, but it sounds like you are too. Work out your internalized homophobia- come out as slightly bi- and be 100% OK with it. It looks like you tried something and liked it. That's totally cool, but your insistence that you are straight is an indication that you aren't even ok with what happened.
     
  10. Hockeytiger

    Hockeytiger Active Member

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    1) Relax. Yup, you are in a tough situation and it is breaking your heart, but the best thing you can do is to take a deep breath and look at the big picture. Sometimes the smaller things in life, when they get out of whack, can cloud the bigger picture.

    2) My advice to you is the same I'd give to him: Whether or not you have sex with guys or not in no way impacts whether you are straight, gay, bi, whatever. You are what you are irregardless of with whom you (or he) has sex with. The fact that he has apparently broken things off with you and is probably trying to focus his sexual attention on women, doesn't make him any more straight. It just doesn't work that way. (A cat can have kittens in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits.) Sexuality is not about who we fuck, it is about who we are. Will he come to terms with his sexuality, maybe. But you, nor anyone else can force him one way or another. This is his journey. As individuals, we have to determine our sexuality ourselves. No one can do it for us. You can be there to support him (and support does not mean convince him that he's not straight). But the journey is his and his alone, but that doesn't mean he has to travel it alone. I know that sounds contradictory, but I hope it makes sense in a way.

    3) I guess that he thinks about you quite regularly, but doesn't want to.

    4) Pretending like it never happened is a great strategy :banghead2:

    5) Admitting your own vulnerability is never easy, but is great for your own long term emotional stability. While your post could not have been easy, it shows an emotional maturity that tells me that you are likely going to be just fine given time to heal.
     
  11. D_Relentless Original

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    You posters are fantastic, such a delicate issue answered and i cannot think of anything to say, great posts people.

    btw Latinkidd, keep us up to date if you would let us know how you are doing. good luck mate.
     
  12. D_Henry_Deutschendorf

    D_Henry_Deutschendorf Account Disabled

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    Been there myself. My first encounter with a guy was someone I met through a friend, who I shared mutual friends with, then began spending significant time with during summer break from college. After we had one amazing passionate romantic night together he distanced and it was very awkward. He did make me realize that I was at the very least, not 100% straight.

    Years later we are friends and we talk and are both gay. We have both come out to ourselves and those around us and are better for it. While we helped each other years ago come to that decision, he needed time away to sort it out. Alot of time. Maybe your friend needs the same? Best wishes.
     
  13. B_RedDude

    B_RedDude New Member

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    How much control do we really have over who we crush on, especially when we're young? (not to mention new to guy-guy relationships)

     
  14. max90

    max90 Member

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    Some guys will never accept that they're gay. Just accept that, because there's nothing you can do about it.

    This guy sounds just like it. He sounds like a guy that doesn't want to accept that he's gay (yet).
    You'll just have to accept that. If he doesn't want to play with you anymore, he doesn't. That's it.

    Why don't you find another gayguy to hang out with? There are plenty enough of them!
     
  15. tray22nc

    tray22nc New Member

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    Wow. First, let me say congratulations for having the courage to put this very sensitive matter out there for advice from others.
    Just as others have said, I think that you should remove the "gay/straight/bi" questioning from your head for now. I don't think its going anywhere, but now is the time to focus on other issues. It sounds like you really care deeply for this guy. It may be difficult, but if you do care for him, don't press the issue too much, or you may end up risking any opportunity for growth with him, in any capacity.
    I'm very sorry that you are having to deal with such pain. I really hope that things can some how work out between you guys, even if its as friends.
     
  16. mandoman

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    My heart goes out to you, buddy.
    I considered myself on the bi side of straight. I'm ecstatically happily married to my childhood sweetheart.
    Before I met her, I had an eye for the guys, that made me wonder, but I had never acted on that curiosity.

    Much later, after many happy years, and three kids, I met this guy. Meeting him made me feel like jello inside. There was an immediate attraction, on every level. It was mutual. We started getting really close.
    I was going through a hard time, my son had just died.
    The closer we got, the closer I wanted to get, without jeopardizing my marriage, or his. He called a halt to it abruptly. I talked with him about him shutting down, and he agreed to give friendship another go, but no talk of sex. We got closer. Things came apart. This happened 5 or 6 times. Since we worked together, there was nowhere to go to avoid him. We worked out together, and there was an immediate physical attraction. Serious sexual overtones. Then, after 6 or 8 times, he suddenly stopped. Later, he told me about giving a guy head when he was 15, and letting the kid come in his mouth, in return for the same favor. I bet he never told another living soul, not even his wife. We both had horrible homophobia, both inside ourselves, and towards each other.
    Each time one of us would break off contact, it seemed to go away, only to resurface as one of the most important things in the other guy's life.
    I would give him the cold shoulder, determined not to go through it again.
    He would do everything he could to charm me back.
    Still, the attraction was more powerful. I tried to walk with him at lunch, but he didn't even trust himself enough to allow it.
    I crossed a line with him, regarding privacy. He got me fired for it. We didn't speak for 10 years. I called him at work, jobs later, out of the blue. He seemed happy to be talking with me, but he was reciting what had happened like he was reading it from a book. I never contacted him again.
    I had agonized over him so much, my wife was ready to divorce me.
    What I really think was happening, was that he and I were husband and wife in a past life, and I had killed him. The emotional intensity was certainly there. He was always aloof, I was always more ready to continue, but there was some undeniable bond, stronger than life itself, between us.
    Since it went bad, I still think of him fondly from time to time. I'm sorry that we couldn't work it out, and that I still owe him a debt between the souls. But, I have my life back, and that's not bad.

    Again, I understand how intense these things can be, and how insane it sounds.
    These things can pick you up and move you like a toy. It has little or no bearing on your sexuality
    or orientation. All my best to you in deciphering what is going on, and working it through for yourself.
     
    #16 mandoman, Sep 20, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2010
  17. Italianguy69

    Italianguy69 Well-Known Member

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    Back in 90s when I was in college, I wrote to a therapist's news column about a similar issue and she published it. I had feelings for someone in my fraternity. I wanted to take the friendship further with him, but did not know how to approach it. Her advice was that it could end in three different ways. Scenario 1: he could accept how you feel and return with the same feelings. Scenario 2: he could accept how you feel but not have the same feelings. Scenario 3: he doesn't accept how you feel and things get even more awkward.

    I didn't push things because I was not willing to risk the great friendship that we had. I decided that if anything were to happen, he'd have to initiate it. Since you two already took it a step further, that's hard. 1.) You could just let things cool down and settle. 2.) You could approach him and say, I really enjoy your friendship and I don't want this to come between us. 3.) You profess your love to him. What are you willing to risk is the question.

    I wanted a very low-risk outcome, so I sat back and enjoyed the friendship for what it was. But I understand, because it hurt really bad to keep those feelings inside.

    Hope you make the right decision and it turns out well for you.
     
  18. latinfreak

    latinfreak Member

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    Let it ride kid, been there done that. When i was younger i was just as confused...still am lol. As much as you want that friendship you 2 had, just let it pass. If he wants to hang with you again he will let you know, the big question is, will you be his secret "friend" if thats the kind of convenience he wants? Another poster put it good to find someone else and explore, he's getting on with his life- get on with yours..doesnt mean you have to have sex..just get over your rut you are in. If it were a girl, it would be the same thing...some girls get fucked and push you aside too...dont let the gender play a role here..it's all abt human nature and what we are comfy with. Good Luck
     
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