Straight guy with gay friend?

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by LemacST, Jun 5, 2007.

  1. LemacST

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    I have a friend who I'm 99.9% sure is bi-sexual or gay..which is okay. He will not come out of the closet though. I never asked him nor would I because of how awkward that would be. It's something that we could just not talk about because he would be offended and it would seriously cripple or completely kill our friendship. He used to be that transparent "I hate fags" kind of closet homosexual but now that several friends from his group of highschool friends mysteriously started coming out :)rolleyes:) he acts more "accepting" of homosexuals. I remember back in high school, when we first met, I guess I wasn't an asshole like he presumed I'd be (because some of the people I socialized with probably picked on him or something) and he found me attractive (awkward), which was proven because when we were in isolated places, he would indirectly try to pull really homosexual stunts on me. That's something else I could NEVER bring up without killing our friendship. He just tries so hard to prove that he's not gay that if I were to ever bring it up to him, I don't know what the hell would happen. Despite this though, we are very close friends and can talk to each other about basically anything. I want to break this barrier though. He knows that I'm accepting of others' sexualities and that I really don't care. I've already hinted things to him by saying that I would not care if I found out one of my friends came out, things like that.
    Has anyone else been in this same situation? Am I doing my best to let him know that I'm okay with him being gay/bi/whatever? I obviously don't want to push anything out of him but I just want to let him know that he could privately tell me and things would be fine, since I'm sure it's a pretty nerve wracking thing for him to tell anyone else (his parents are very religious)
     
  2. slate_australis

    slate_australis New Member

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    Personally, I think this is quite a risky move.

    For example, I have a wide circle of friends, with people of every "branding" - straight, bi, bi/curious, gay, lesbian etc etc.

    What evidence do you have that suggests he's gay - the mere acceptance of homosexuals from my objective standpoint is hardly evidence... possibly it's a sign of maturity.
     
  3. Balljunkie

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    Yeah, you have to give him time. He will tell you when he is comfortable. I came out to one of my roommates from college last summer. He took it like a champ, and we became closer. I came out to my co-worker a couple of months ago. It also brought us closer. When he feels the time is right, he will come out. It is a struggle. Don't sweat it because he hasn't told you.
     
  4. bstexas

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    Sounds to me like ur trying to be a good friend to him ... not pressuring him but sort of opening the subject. Maybe he just needs more time to get a grip with his own acceptance of the situation. Just because u, his friend, realizes he's probably gay (which he very well may be) maybe he hasn't come to grips with the realization. What I mean is, since you say he has a religious family, maybe he is trying to keep it under wraps (figuratively and actually) because of his upbringing. So even though u are cool with it, maybe it is too big of a barrier to cross n ow. Keep being open and hinting and understanding. Hopefully he will be able to feel comfortable enough to tell u soon enough.
     
  5. Matthew

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    I think you've done all the right things. I agree that you've just got to wait until he's ready. If you think about it, it kinda makes sense that it's harder for him to accept than for you.
     
  6. LemacST

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    Well, five guys, who were all his best friends throughout high school (and middle, some elementary school too) all turned out to be homosexuals. He'd often bitch to me about how so-and-so is a "fucking faggot because he woke up, some guy was sucking his dick and he let him do it. He's a fucking fag"--things like that. Also, like I said before, he made sure when no one was around and before we really became friends (by the way, I never really thought twice about this but the pieces came together afterwards) if we were in an isolated place together, he'd seriously try to fondle me. I'd laugh and push him off like "what the hell are you doing" because I thought he was just being stupid, but in reality he was trying to "cop a feel". It's really creepy to think about now so I don't try to think about it anymore. Also, we both have Myspaces and whenever girls would leave me suggestive comments he'd get extremely annoyed and jelous--for no reason (?). If we'd go out to eat or something he'd always be making comments about guys, NEVER girls--"Ew, look at that guy...he's ugly" or something like that. Once when a group of us went out to a theme park, there were two gay guys kissing. I never saw them, but apparently he did and he pointed them out--"EW, LOOK THOSE TWO GUYS ARE KISSING! UGH LOOK" I still never saw them but he kept pointing them out and making a HUMONGOUS deal about it. The list goes on and on and on...
     
  7. buddy7706

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    im in a different situation but kinda in the same spot .. i found out one of my friends were gay or bi by accident ...i wa son his computer and found gay porn ... first thought it was accident but it happend plenty of times after that and...he also was late a bloomer but i think he only got a girlfriend to get away from people questioning him...his girlfirend, ex now, or sort of together who knows said she viewed him as a firned more and would not have alot of sex wen they were together he even told me they didnt do nothing for a month straight while they were together buttt she said the last two months of the relationship she hadnt had sex with him once.. she also said she was gunna try one more time to see if sparks flew agian but next thing you know it she broke up with him....the thing is when we ask him like the other day he hung out with her and we asked him did u bang her he said yeh.. i thnk he mite just be lien to us u knooww... well anywaynow singlee he has to be wasted to do stuff with girls and that kinda points to me thinking he s gay the only thing is hess the biggest homo phob "fag" this or "that kidss a fagget" "that gross" shit like thattt..but im the only one who knows about his webiste choice ..and i was really drunk one time and actually told him i knew he said fuck you and what u saidd we patched things up after that argument but never brought that up again ...and i never told him how i knew ....but i just wanna tell him i knooowww and his secret is safe with me...hes atheletic too so he plays the straight rolle realy good and his father is a big sports guy who would never ecpet his only son gay so i know he will never come out ..he will def get married and prob have kids and never tell anyone bout his secret but were kinda best friends so i just want to let him know itss cooll i dun care and i wouldnt tel anyone no matter how mad i got at him...cuz its been a year since i know we gotten into sum heated fights yet as much shit hes talked i ve neverrrrr told a soul bout him cuz i know he would prob be devistated if neone in this world knewww...so how do i go about this situationnn peoplee
     
  8. buddy7706

    buddy7706 Member

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    im in a different situation but kinda in the same spot .. i found out one of my friends were gay or bi by accident ...i wa son his computer and found gay porn ... first thought it was accident but it happend plenty of times after that and...he also was late a bloomer but i think he only got a girlfriend to get away from people questioning him...his girlfirend, ex now, or sort of together who knows said she viewed him as a firned more and would not have alot of sex wen they were together he even told me they didnt do nothing for a month straight while they were together buttt she said the last two months of the relationship she hadnt had sex with him once.. she also said she was gunna try one more time to see if sparks flew agian but next thing you know it she broke up with him....the thing is when we ask him like the other day he hung out with her and we asked him did u bang her he said yeh.. i thnk he mite just be lien to us u knooww... well anywaynow singlee he has to be wasted to do stuff with girls and that kinda points to me thinking he s gay the only thing is hess the biggest homo phob "fag" this or "that kidss a fagget" "that gross" shit like thattt..but im the only one who knows about his webiste choice ..and i was really drunk one time and actually told him i knew he said fuck you and what u saidd we patched things up after that argument but never brought that up again ...and i never told him how i knew ....but i just wanna tell him i knooowww and his secret is safe with me...hes atheletic too so he plays the straight rolle realy good and his father is a big sports guy who would never ecpet his only son gay so i know he will never come out ..he will def get married and prob have kids and never tell anyone bout his secret but were kinda best friends so i just want to let him know itss cooll i dun care and i wouldnt tel anyone no matter how mad i got at him...cuz its been a year since i know we gotten into sum heated fights yet as much shit hes talked i ve neverrrrr told a soul bout him cuz i know he would prob be devistated if neone in this world knewww...so how do i go about this situationnn peoplee
     
  9. fortiesfun

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    I find that everyone I have ever chosen to come out to has made a space for that to happen and made it clear that they would be accepting (except my parents, but that is another story). But that does not mean I came out to them on their time. I chose when it felt right to me.

    I have to say that one of the things I always had to wrestle with is that I had some level of deceit running with most of them, as I had not always been either open nor accepting of myself, so I not only had to figure out how to come out but also how to apologize for having lied to them about my orientation. That is as complicated as just coming out.

    Seems like you are making the space for your friend, not you have to let him wait to use it.
     
  10. B_dxjnorto

    B_dxjnorto New Member

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    I have a friend who I am sure is bi too, but he made it a condition of friendship that we not talk about it. Sexuality is a small part of personality, but it still kind of takes some of the friend out of friendship by setting part of the person off from the friendship. Besides, wouldn't someone want to be open about that with someone? I'm certain he's not open about it with anyone else. Anyway, like you all have said. Who cares?
     
  11. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    It is probably best to let him come out on his own terms. That way it wont damage your friendship by suggesting anything.
     
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