straight guys, WE DON'T WANT YOU!

[marleyisalegend]

so this coworker of mine takes EVERYTHING i say and turns it into an innuendo, never missing a chance to insinuate that i'm somehow infatuated with him. "can you help me with this" is a come-on. "great job" is a come-on.

i tried to ignore it, play it off, laugh it off until last week when i just had to break it down for him. i said "if you were the last man on earth i would start fucking tubes of toothpaste." just because i'm gay doesn't mean i want every man i see.

 

[deleted405852]

He wants an ego boost, NOT all straight guys assume that gay guys want every male they come across. He's just being an immature douche.

 

[D_Ivana_Bhig-Dicke]

Give him a break. A lot of us hetero's are a little uncomfortable around gay guys at first. It's a strange new experience that takes some guys a while to get used to. It just might be the easiest way for him to interact with you.

And in my opinion you're also to blame for this situation. You set no guide lines to what talk was appropriate or not. It would be the same as a man saying those things to a woman. She can say "Excuse that's not appropriate talk for work." and curb those comments on the spot.

If you don't let someone know it's inappropriate don't blame for being "out of the loop".

 

[maxcok]

Give him a break. A lot of us hetero's are a little uncomfortable around gay guys at first. It's a strange new experience that takes some guys a while to get used to. It just might be the easiest way for him to interact with you.

And in my opinion you're also to blame for this situation. You set no guide lines to what talk was appropriate or not. It would be the same as a man saying those things to a woman. She can say "Excuse that's not appropriate talk for work." and curb those comments on the spot.

If you don't let someone know it's inappropriate don't blame for being "out of the loop".

Really? So it's not the responsibility of the person making inappropriate comments in the workplace to know what is and is not appropriate unless the receiver of those comments educates him? Interesting perspective. I think lots of personnel directors would disagree with you. Would it be the same with inappropriate touching, e.g. a woman would have to educate a man it was inappropriate to touch her tits, otherwise she should just quietly suffer the consequences?

 

[B_henry miller]

I agree. Not all straight guys assume that all gay guys want them. Most straight guys, actually, seem pretty cool about it these days; at least the ones I meet. The ones who are insecure and read things into it are, often times, not actually entirely straight.

 

[Brick7]

And in my opinion you're also to blame for this situation. You set no guide lines to what talk was appropriate or not. It would be the same as a man saying those things to a woman. She can say "Excuse that's not appropriate talk for work." and curb those comments on the spot.

If you don't let someone know it's inappropriate don't blame for being "out of the loop".

I call bullshit. It's 2010. Anyone not living under a rock knows what is appropriate behavior and conversation for the workplace and what isn't.
The OP isn't to blame for someone else being a dick. If the behavior continues and it's unwanted, he can go to HR to deal with it. If the business is too small for an HR, then I would tell the dick his comments are unwelcome and to stop making them. The if it persists then go to the immediate boss to have them deal with it.
Life's too short to put up with someone else's idiocy.

 

[D_Ivana_Bhig-Dicke]

Really? So it's not the responsibility of the person making inappropriate comments in the workplace to know what is and is not appropriate unless the receiver of those comments educates him? Interesting perspective. I think lots of personnel directors would disagree with you. Would it be the same with inappropriate touching, e.g. a woman would have to educate a man it was inappropriate to touch her tits, otherwise she should just quietly suffer the consequences

Comparing inappropriate comments to tit touching. Congratulations on the stupidest comparison I've ever heard.

And in response to your other point I've worked in a number of environments where this kind of playful jabbing is commonplace. Environments ranging from retail floors, to warehouses, to offices. I've seen two things happen when someone is uncomfortable with comments being made. They either ignore them and do not participate in the conversation, or if the comments are being directed at them personally they either tell their colleague 1 on 1 or go talk to HR and the problem is resolved.

And of course I am using these examples in the same area as playful, slightly flirtatious remarks, not inappropriate manhandling of a woman's breasts.

 

[D_Ivana_Bhig-Dicke]

I call bullshit. It's 2010. Anyone not living under a rock knows what is appropriate behavior and conversation for the workplace and what isn't.
The OP isn't to blame for someone else being a dick. If the behavior continues and it's unwanted, he can go to HR to deal with it. If the business is too small for an HR, then I would tell the dick his comments are unwelcome and to stop making them. The if it persists then go to the immediate boss to have them deal with it.
Life's too short to put up with someone else's idiocy.

That's what I'm saying. In his quote he kept saying this guy kept making inappropriate comments until he couldn't take anymore and he flipped out on him. Nowhere did he write that he asked the guy to stop before that.

I'm sorry but, like most young straight men, I'm pretty oblivious to a lot of shit. I play it pretty safe where I work about what I say and to whom I say things to. But in the heat of a good conversation I might let the odd gaff slip, and I would expect any one of my employees to let me know if I said anything that was offensive to them. If they didn't speak up I would think what I said was ok, and might be inclined to say something to that affect again.

I'm not blaming the OP solely for what transpired but he does hold some share of the responsibility for not taking the proper steps to curb the situation before it got the point that he mentioned.

 

[D_Rosalind Mussell]

And in my opinion you're also to blame for this situation. You set no guide lines to what talk was appropriate or not. It would be the same as a man saying those things to a woman. She can say "Excuse that's not appropriate talk for work." and curb those comments on the spot.

If you don't let someone know it's inappropriate don't blame for being "out of the loop".

I have to disagree. Guidelines and laws regarding sexual harassment are common knowledge in every workplace so I don't accept that. Saying work-related things like "great job" are not an invitation to sexual harassment, which is what this is. If Marley was a woman people would be crying foul about it, why should it be different because he's a man? It's sexist and discriminatory to assume that Marley would be okay with this type of talk just because he is a gay male. Sexual harassment is not exclusive to male bosses and female subordinates and this is a class example of it. To add insult to injury, this asswipe is using some shitty myth regarding homosexual men to perpetrate his harassment. So no, no breaks need be given whatsoever.

 

[D_Ivana_Bhig-Dicke]

I have to disagree. Guidelines and laws regarding sexual harassment are common knowledge in every workplace so I don't accept that. Saying work-related things like "great job" are not an invitation to sexual harassment, which is what this is. If Marley was a woman people would be crying foul about it, why should it be different because he's a man? It's sexist and discriminatory to assume that Marley would be okay with this type of talk just because he is a gay male. Sexual harassment is not exclusive to male bosses and female subordinates and this is a class example of it. To add insult to injury, this asswipe is using some shitty myth regarding homosexual men to perpetrate his harassment. So no, no breaks need be given whatsoever.

I would be saying the exact same thing if it were a woman so don't eve try and play that card.

If he feels like he is being sexually harassed then what the hell took him so long to fucking do something about it? He is obviously pretty pissed about the situation judging by his post so I would guess that this has been going on for some time.

Did he ask his co-worker to stop?
Did he tell HR?
Did he tell his boss?
Did he tell anybody?

Maybe, but since he didn't include it in the Op, probly not. Instead he goes on a fucking internet forum and to the world says STRAIGHT GUYS, we don't want you. Well I'm straight and now I'm being lumped into a group. A group now portrayed as homophobic, sexist, assholes who go into work and grab every chicks tits cause we're nothing more than a cock with eyes. Am I getting my panties in a twist over that? Fuck no! Cause that's what life is. You be a grown up and stand the fuck up for yourself.

 

[maxcok]

Comparing inappropriate comments to tit touching. Congratulations on the stupidest comparison I've ever heard.

And in response to your other point I've worked in a number of environments where this kind of playful jabbing is commonplace. Environments ranging from retail floors, to warehouses, to offices. I've seen two things happen when someone is uncomfortable with comments being made. They either ignore them and do not participate in the conversation, or if the comments are being directed at them personally they either tell their colleague 1 on 1 or go talk to HR and the problem is resolved.

And of course I am using these examples in the same area as playful, slightly flirtatious remarks, not inappropriate manhandling of a woman's breasts.

Don't call my comments stupid, you little twerp. (I also notice you deliberately deleted the question mark in my quote and selectively bolded to make it appear like statement of direct comparison rather than a question. Sleazy on your part.) Nevertheless, I deliberately used an obvious example to demonstrate for you that inappropriate conduct is inappropriate conduct period, and in neither case is the onus on the receiver of the behavior to set "guidelines" for the offender. Being "out of the loop", as you put it, is no excuse. What if the situation were reversed and marley was hitting on the straight guy? What if that straight guy was you? What if marley was your boss? I ask you as someone who was the victim of persistent sexual harassment by a male boss, who was intimidated at first. When it finally became unbearable, and I stood up and reported him, it was my word against his. Guess who lost his job? Was I to "blame" for him being "out of the loop"?

It's 2010 for chrissake, as Brick7 points out. Anyone with half a brain knows what is and is not appropriate conduct in the workplace. Your experience with other clueless children notwithstanding, most grownups in a professional environment know better without having to be educated. You obviously don't get it, as everyone who has responded to your initial post has pointed out:

Give him a break. A lot of us hetero's are a little uncomfortable around gay guys at first. It's a strange new experience that takes some guys a while to get used to. It just might be the easiest way for him to interact with you.

And in my opinion you're also to blame for this situation. You set no guide lines to what talk was appropriate or not. It would be the same as a man saying those things to a woman. She can say "Excuse that's not appropriate talk for work." and curb those comments on the spot.

If you don't let someone know it's inappropriate don't blame for being "out of the loop".

Don't blame him for being "out of the loop"? Now THAT's "stupid".

The ones who are insecure and read things into it are, often times, not actually entirely straight.

And often the ones who don't have a shot in hell at getting any.

 

[tobythecat]

What I find wrong with this is the Thread Title..straight guys , WE DONT WANT YOU!
So bcos this guy is a jerk means that every heterosexual guy is a homophobic jerk?
No of course not.
The op should have made things clearer in the 1st post,did they speak to the guy involved?
No they admit to ignoring it,laughing it of which only encouraged the guy into continiung the remarks which made things worse, so yes the op has to take some responsibilty for the outcome.The op should have spoken to the jerk or to his supervisor or HR but it appears they didnt,we also dont know if the comments have stopped as a result of the op flipping out.

There will always be jerks both straight AND gay in the workplace, how you deal with them will is up to you but staying quiet, ignoring it never works and it would be interseting to hear what the op has to say about whether the comments have stopped or not.
I hope they have.

 

[maxcok]

^ I agree with you that the title of the thread is open to intepretation, but I took it to be directed specifically at the sort of straight guy who assumes every gay guy wants to jump his bones, i.e. "any dick'll do". There are lots straight guys who think that way, but you're right, it's unfair to generalize. In my experience most straight men do not think that way, and the ones who do, have other "issues".

As for how the OP has responded to this annoying behavior, it's a little vague. I think you'll have to ask the OP. Otherwise, we're just operating on assumptions.

 

[B_henry miller]

It doesn't speak for all of us. I love straight guys and am usually mistaken for one.

What I find wrong with this is the Thread Title..straight guys , WE DONT WANT YOU!
So bcos this guy is a jerk means that every heterosexual guy is a homophobic jerk?
No of course not.
The op should have made things clearer in the 1st post,did they speak to the guy involved?
No they admit to ignoring it,laughing it of which only encouraged the guy into continiung the remarks which made things worse, so yes the op has to take some responsibilty for the outcome.The op should have spoken to the jerk or to his supervisor or HR but it appears they didnt,we also dont know if the comments have stopped as a result of the op flipping out.

There will always be jerks both straight AND gay in the workplace, how you deal with them will is up to you but staying quiet, ignoring it never works and it would be interseting to hear what the op has to say about whether the comments have stopped or not.
I hope they have.

 

[marleyisalegend]

Can we EVER have a discussion that doesn't come down to "Not every...." Anyone with at least oatmeal in their brain knows I'm not talking about EVERY SINGLE straight guy, I thought that went without saying, next time I'll make sure to say.

 

[marleyisalegend]

PS: I apologize for whoever's paper-thin feelings I've stepped on. I should choose my words extremely meticulously knowing how easily some folks can get hurt.

 

[marleyisalegend]

or go talk to HR and the problem is resolved.

You have too much faith in my HR rep. I'd be better of telling a hobo. This employee has gotten away with making the most obnoxiously crude remarks to other females in the workplace. He's been reported before. Problem NOT resolved.

 

[maxcok]

I all else fails, try this. :biggrin2:

 

[concupisys]

bloody hell people - this person is asking for advice.... you really don't have to take all this personally or make personal attacks.... there are way worse things to get offended about....

to the OP: if you're not getting anywhere with HR, i would suggest seeking a referral to a source of help in this matter outside of your workplace.... there are advocates for this kind of thing, and it would get people talking about it if nothing else.... (do a google search for free sexual harassment advocacy services in your area.... there are several that should be of no cost to you....) it also ensures that whatever complaint you have against this person goes on a record that can't be tampered with by anyone in your workplace.... have whatever source of advocacy you choose e-mail your HR director and CC the person who they report to with a statement of claim and the fact that this matter had been previously brought to their department's attention with no action taken to resolve it.... that way, your HR director, their superior, yourself and the advocate are all on the same page and it's on record.... should the matter not be resolved internally by that point, then i would give the go-ahead to the outside advocate to begin due process.... whatever you do, don't make a stink and don't do anything you could potentially be penalized or lose your job over.... due process is meant to protect you from those things, and you don't want any negative behaviour on your part to have a bad effect on your standing.....

 

[Over-reaching]

The coworker sounds like a complete dork. First of all, it's really no business of his what your sexual orientation or sexual proclivities might be: it's a work setting, not primarily a social one. That said, obviously any work place involves social interactions, but to turn all (or nearly all) social interactions into ones involving sexual innuendo says much more about him that it does about you. He's either obsessed with sex, fascinated by the idea of "gayness" or deeply insecure – possibly more than one of these.

His behaviour is his responsibility, not yours (legally speaking). This is doubly so (logically speaking) if you have pointed out to him that his behaviour is not acceptable to you.

So, you've told him that you're not happy with his behaviour. The next step must be to go either to your manager or to HR. Even if you feel that neither of these avenues will be useful, it's difficult for anyone else to do anything if you haven't gone through the right channels first. As for HR, if you go and see them and are not happy and then follow it up with a letter, you might be surprised: it's amazing what a letter can do sometimes. (It indicates that you are serious, reminds them of their obligations, and may also mean that the issue gets shunted higher up to someone who can actually deal with it.)