Strange Observation with Co-worker

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Jay1074, Dec 27, 2011.

  1. Jay1074

    Jay1074 Active Member

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    To anyone who sees this, sorry this is kind of long.

    There's a guy at work I used to be pretty good friends with before we had a work related falling out. During the best of times we used to take breaks with each other to get a cup of coffee at Starbucks and/or visit each other's offices and chat from time to time. At first we were just good office buds and we started spending time with each other outside the office after he got a divorce. None of it was ever romantic in nature nor did either of us ever make advances toward one another but I did start to develop feelings for this man after a while. Though by all intents and purposes this guy is "straight", I did get a bit of a gay vibe from him from time to time. Also, whenever we were together, he used to kind of give goo goo eyes, smile a lot, and stare at my package when he thought I wasn't looking. To say I didn't enjoy the attention would be crazy. This guy is a HUNK. Former military, in good shape, clean cut... the only thing I didn't like was that he was a bit of a player. He made no attempt to hide the fact that he was cheating on his wife at the time, and he acted like a three-balled cat in heat around women at work. The idiot had almost lost his job because of inappropriate relations and conduct with a female at work just before we started hanging out a lot. He seemed to be a reformed man when we became friends but he started his old tricks before anyone knew it and it was too late for me. I had fallen in love with him and made excuses for his bad behavior and defended him when others pointed out his shortcomings.

    Then one day when we were at a conference I excused myself to go to the restroom during a break. He followed me into the men's room. I was already at the first urinal taking a piss when he walked up to the urinal next to mine and unzipped. After taking an uncomfortably long time to finish peeing and trying like hell to not look over at my friend, I did see in my peripheral vision he was looking at my dick and standing quite a bit away from the urinal so that I could see everything if I were to glance over but I fought the temptation to, though again I did see enough to know his dick was out. He finished pissing before I did and what struck me as odd was that he didn't put it away immediately. He sort of did a half shake and half stroke kind of thing on his dick a few times sort of like he wanted me to look and he wasn't putting his dick away. I on the other hand was so afraid I'd pop a boner in there I zipped up ASAP and walked away to the sink to wash my hands before going back to the conference room. I am out only to a couple of people at work but I never came out to this guy. I didn't want to ruin our friendship so I wasn't about to make any sudden moves that would embarrass one or both of us so I bailed. Neither of us ever mentioned this to the other.

    A month or so after this incident he started to act really strange around me. He broke plans we'd made to hang out and began avoiding me at work. It was completely out of the blue. This went on for a couple of months before I finally confronted him and asked him what the hell was up and why he was acting so weird. He told me he thought we'd gotten too close and that he wasn't used to being friends with another guy the way he was friends with me. I was devastated but never let on. I broke off all communication outside of work with him after that and we entered into a business only relationship. That was nearly six years ago.

    Over the next year after that confrontation, he softened up and started poking his head in my office once in a while. Soon we reverted back to being buds in the office but it wasn't like before. I was super cautious about what I said to him, how I acted, and how much time we spent together. And I had also met my now ex-boyfriend around this time so I concentrated on my relationship with him rather than push my luck with my clueless co-worker, though to be honest I never really got over my feelings for him. I thought by being in my new relationship I would eventually transfer whatever feelings I had for my co-worker onto my then boyfriend. Mistake!! Long story short, that relationship didn't work out, though we're still good friends. The problem is we live in different cities and getting together is difficult. Also, he is a lot older than I am... 40 years difference. I'm 37, you do the math. We do care for one another but the love wasn't how I'd hoped it would be. During that whole time I was still in love with the idiot at work and trying like hell not to be. My ex and I broke up in February of 2010. At the time, me and my co-worker were getting along really well so for whatever reason my break up didn't even phase me.

    Then in June of 2010, my co-worker and I had a huge argument at work. I can't go into details about what we were arguing about because it is sensitive in nature (we work for the government). Anyway, the issue wasn't resolved, still isn't to this day and this time I called off the friendship. Other than office cordialities, we do not speak to each other at all. Me, because I'm supremely pissed at him for being so stupid and not taking my advice. All I was trying to do was help him out. And he, out of stupid male pride, made some really terrible decisions that have caused him extra work and some unwanted attention from upper management, so he doesn't talk to me either. He's lost a lot of credibility at work and his reputation is even more tarnished than when all he was was a walking hard-on in the office. Like that wasn't bad enough, right?

    So for the last year and a half I've pretty much turned whatever love I've had for this guy into something pretty negative. I wouldn't say I hate him but I still have a lot of unresolved anger and resentment toward him. I avoid him like I've never avoided another human being. Also, the feelings are still so close to the surface I have to leave the room when he's around for fear I'm going to scream at him. I try like hell to be nice to him. I say hello when I see him in the halls but that's about it. We're back to having a strictly professional relationship. We meet when we have to and I find myself being more curt than I need to be with him. I don't enjoy being around him any longer than I have to be and I constantly fight off the urge to punch him in the nose.

    Which brings me to what I started to observe with this guy. Lately, he's been going out of his way to get my attention at work. He's been passing by my office door, even though there's no good reason to go down the hall I'm on. I, unfortunately, have to pass his office on the way to our boss's office and I make a point to not look in his direction when I have to go there. The part of the building I'm in is less populated and again he just has no reason to be there, not even for business. There's only myself and an older woman co-worker on my hall and a couple of empty offices we're using for storage. I've heard from a couple of co-workers he's been talking about me a lot... like working me somehow into conversations. Some of it has been bad... but most of it has been nice. He's even started smiling at me when he sees me like he used to before. I really am pissed at him still but I know the reason I'm so mad is because I still have feelings for this guy. What the fuck is wrong with me?

    I'm not about to run to him and try to make things all better because I feel foolish over what happened between us, even though I was right and the fucker knows it. Because of my feelings for him it's really hard to gauge the situation without reading all sorts of things into it, which may or may not be there. One of my female friends that I confided in once told me she thought he might have developed feelings for me too, which might have been the reason why he started avoiding me a few years back. I heard he recently broke up with his fiance... which causes me to think the reason he's been traipsing about is because he wants to talk. The reason we became friends in the first place is because he sought my advice when no one else wanted anything to do with him. Even the man he claims as his best friend (who, BTW, I had a drunken one night stand with years ago before we "officially" knew each other) keeps him at a distance these days.

    I need advice. Am I being too harsh by not letting by-gones be or do I have the right to just keep on keeping on even though I'm aching inside?
     
  2. stainshield

    stainshield New Member

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    let it go!!! it's not worth the emotions you are wasting
     
  3. B_duanculo

    B_duanculo New Member

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    probably best to talk/hash it out. lot of built up resentment and one day out of nowhere you're probably going to burst. don't feel bad for still having feelings. we can't that, onlywhat we choose to do with them
     
  4. houtx48

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    Dear Mary, Butch it up and stop whining. Signed, Dear Abby
     
  5. bigslice

    bigslice New Member

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    may be he found about you and his best mate and wanted to know why you didn't hook up with him instead, given that "moment" at the urinal??? Just kidding! ;)

    i agree with your female friend... i think he likes you, but clearly, has no idea how to deal with any feelings he may have for you... this guy obviously loves attention from you, but when u get too close, he freaks out and when u don't give him any attention, he comes crawling back, which sounds like he's doing your head in.

    i was in a similar situation at work when i was in my late teens... i was an emotional wreck...

    my advice to you is to leave him... not worth the emotional roller coaster and his mixed signals to you are not woth the hurt...
     
  6. 1goodguy

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    Life's too short, if you like the guy as a friend or whatever, tell him, clear the air and get on with life again
     
  7. DavidXL

    Verified Gold Member

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    I hate to say it, but this guy sounds like trouble, and it sounds like all of the continued wondering is just causing you heartache. He sounds reckless in his personal conduct (e.g., earning a reputation for being a walking hard-on at work) and in whatever professional issue happened that caused the rift last year.

    You obviously have had strong romantic feelings for him for years. He also has feelings for you, but it's not exactly clear what type of feelings those are and they may not even be clear to him, especially if he is predominantly straight, which it sounds like he is. Just because he wants to check out your cock to see how big it is doesn't necesarrily mean he's interested in having a sexual relationship with you - I think it's human nature for men to want to size each other up. Intense friendships, whether they are bromances or opposite sex relationships that are not founded on mutual sexual attraction, can be confusing and I think it can follow naturally that either one or both parties wonders whether they should explore those feelings and see if there is something more there. I am certain he knows you're gay/bi if you've told people at work and have some confidantes with whom you've shared information about your personal life. That kind of information is usually just too juicy not to share, and plus people usually figure stuff out on their own once they start doing the math.

    Your post resonated with me, because I had a bromance/intense friendship with a guy at work for about 4 years a long time ago. We hung out outside of the office and would sometimes travel together on weekends and stay in hotel rooms together. I wasn't interested in him sexually, even though I was pretty sure he wanted that from me (which is kind of funny, because I was usually on the other side of unrequited affection in bromances), but towards the end I contemplated fooling around with him and giving it a try. I'm glad I didn't, and we had a big falling out when I got seriously involved with a woman and are no longer friends.

    Notwithstanding that he sounds like trouble (which I am sure you already know), maybe it is worth the closure to reach out to him, since he is clearly reaching out to you in a passive way with all of those unneeded office walk-bys. Ask him if he wants to go out for a drink after work. If he accepts and you go out, just be honest that you want to clear the air. Say that you've known each other for a long time, acknowledge that you've had an intense personal and professional relationship for a long time and that you're not comfortable with how things have been for the last year or so. See where the conversation goes and don't be afraid if he knows or learns about your gay/bi side (since he probably already knows). Even it becomes evident that he has no sexual or romantic feelings for you, at least you might be able to diffuse the tension at the office (and in your mind).

    Good luck!
     
    #7 DavidXL, Dec 27, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2011
  8. D_Phil_R_Upp

    D_Phil_R_Upp New Member

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    My advice is different from the others…so take it with a grain of salt. But I think there's more than just an attraction/bromance happening here, at least on your end.

    You should resolve this one way or another. Either let it completely go, or tell him how you feel. This is a waste of time, space and your life otherwise….and until you let go, you'll NEVER be able to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone you love and who loves you back.

    You need to ask yourself if the idea of a real relationship scares you, because being submerged in this drama might be your excuse to stay away from a real two-way relationship. I think it's very telling your previous BF was 40 years older. That seems like a relationship where maybe one foot was already out the door (not necessarily his) and maybe one where you didn't have to make a deep commitment. This kind of suggests to me that the idea of being open and vulnerable in a relationship to a guy who is your equal - out, sane, available - scares the hell out of you.

    If you can, I'd wholeheartedly suggest therapy. And no, therapy isn't for "crazy" people. You need to talk to someone who's objective, and you need help letting go or putting all of this into perspective.

    I am not mentioning much about him, and he sounds like he needs to figure out what's happening too - at the very least dude is sending you serious mixed signals. But you can't control what he does, and you can't wait for him to do something to make you happy (or even get you off). Don't give that much power over your happiness or well being to anyone else, dude.

    Wish you the best.
     
    #8 D_Phil_R_Upp, Dec 27, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2011
  9. joyboytoy79

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    If I were you, I'd walk into his office, and apologize for being curt and distant. I wouldn't at all try to explain why I felt justified for being curt and distant. I would explain how I miss his friendship, and want to get past things that happened before.

    If he wanted to talk at that point, I would listen. If he didn't, I'd go back to my office and let him make the next move.

    If/when the hurt feelings were resolved, I would then come out to the guy. If nothing else, just to clear the air. There's no point in keeping secrets from friends.
     
  10. Sklar

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    Not sure if you'll appreciate this or not but: Let go of your anger and avoid him at work.

    He's got issues himself and if he's bringing you up in a bad context with co workers, he's gunning for something.

    Make your life easier. Drop him like a burning bag of poo. Recognize him at work when it's correct to do so but that's it.

    Sklar
     
  11. Jay1074

    Jay1074 Active Member

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    Thanks for all the responses. It really helps to get the perspective of others. You're all right about him... he is trouble. The physical attraction to him is strong. It's difficult to believe someone so cute could be so thick headed. He's not the sharpest pencil in the box and everyone at work knows this. He said some really hurtful things to me when we had our argument, which is another reason I'm still so pissed off a year and a half later. The things he said to me weren't even true and he's too stupid to see the facts and put them together. Logic has never been his forte. In his head I became part of some conspiracy to destroy him because I happen to be friendly with some of our colleagues who make no secret they have little confidence in him. I have to confess my confidence in him is seriously damaged after all is said and done as well. He's so pathetic I can't help feeling sorry for the dumb ass.

    The truth of the matter is I want him to succeed more than he does. He has an outstanding knack for sabotaging his work... and his relationships. I'd have no problems forgetting about him if my heart wasn't involved. In spite of his flaws, he really is a good guy deep down inside... he's just fucked up emotionally and obviously very confused. I guess I'm just holding out hope that someday we'd be together somehow. If it wasn't for work, we might still be friends or at least friendlier than we have been.

    For those of you saying to tell him how I feel... that isn't going to happen. He's barely literate (it's amazing he's gotten as far in life as he has) and often misconstrues what people tell him. I honestly believe he's gotten where he has solely on his looks and charm. And he is a charming motherfucker! His "best friend" was his boss at one time back in the 90's before we knew each other. If it weren't for that guy odds are he wouldn't have got the job he has now and we wouldn't have met. This is proof that it's not what you know but who you know. This isn't to say that my friend is completely useless... he's just very unrefined.

    Also, he knows where I stand on things. He's got to make the first move and the ball has been in his court for the past year and a half. I think he's planning on making his move and I've been anticipating it, which is why I made this thread. I don't know how the hell I'm going to react if and when he does. But this has been helpful if not cathartic. I don't feel as pissed off reading it here than when I try to make sense of it in my head.

    Thank you all again!!
     
  12. chrispy

    chrispy Member

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    I'm with you, Abby! It sounds like they're in high school...

    Ann
     
  13. Draconis71

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    But, what if his name ISN'T Curt? Then, why should he apologize for it??? Unless he was telling the guy that he WAS Curt... then.. oh, my! This is getting complicated.


    Anyways, on a more serious note...try hashing it out over a coffee, if the storm has calmed down. My mistake is that I don't... Soo many missed opportunities.
     
  14. technopeasant

    technopeasant Member

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    I had a relationship like this. Spent years doing fine at times but the good times were not at all good enough to makeup for the bad times. I would say from my experience that this guy is bad news. be careful.
     
  15. exwhyzee

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    Dontcha just hate the thin line between love and hate?
     
  16. concupisys

    concupisys Active Member

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    i'd let this one go.... definitely retain your civility in the workplace, but leave it there.... by the sounds of it, people around you know a lot more than you think they do, and it's only giving you a bad reputation as a love-sick fool who has relationship issues.... if you want to come out of this a better man, BE the better man and don't take this situation any further.... it's simply not worth the repercussions you may suffer as a result of not letting things go....
     
  17. Gramme

    Gramme New Member

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    Just avoid him if you can.
     
  18. Luv-Big-n-Hung

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    I want an update. Have you guys talked? Is is still walking by your office for no reason? Do he still have a job? Something?
     
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