To anyone who sees this, sorry this is kind of long. There's a guy at work I used to be pretty good friends with before we had a work related falling out. During the best of times we used to take breaks with each other to get a cup of coffee at Starbucks and/or visit each other's offices and chat from time to time. At first we were just good office buds and we started spending time with each other outside the office after he got a divorce. None of it was ever romantic in nature nor did either of us ever make advances toward one another but I did start to develop feelings for this man after a while. Though by all intents and purposes this guy is "straight", I did get a bit of a gay vibe from him from time to time. Also, whenever we were together, he used to kind of give goo goo eyes, smile a lot, and stare at my package when he thought I wasn't looking. To say I didn't enjoy the attention would be crazy. This guy is a HUNK. Former military, in good shape, clean cut... the only thing I didn't like was that he was a bit of a player. He made no attempt to hide the fact that he was cheating on his wife at the time, and he acted like a three-balled cat in heat around women at work. The idiot had almost lost his job because of inappropriate relations and conduct with a female at work just before we started hanging out a lot. He seemed to be a reformed man when we became friends but he started his old tricks before anyone knew it and it was too late for me. I had fallen in love with him and made excuses for his bad behavior and defended him when others pointed out his shortcomings. Then one day when we were at a conference I excused myself to go to the restroom during a break. He followed me into the men's room. I was already at the first urinal taking a piss when he walked up to the urinal next to mine and unzipped. After taking an uncomfortably long time to finish peeing and trying like hell to not look over at my friend, I did see in my peripheral vision he was looking at my dick and standing quite a bit away from the urinal so that I could see everything if I were to glance over but I fought the temptation to, though again I did see enough to know his dick was out. He finished pissing before I did and what struck me as odd was that he didn't put it away immediately. He sort of did a half shake and half stroke kind of thing on his dick a few times sort of like he wanted me to look and he wasn't putting his dick away. I on the other hand was so afraid I'd pop a boner in there I zipped up ASAP and walked away to the sink to wash my hands before going back to the conference room. I am out only to a couple of people at work but I never came out to this guy. I didn't want to ruin our friendship so I wasn't about to make any sudden moves that would embarrass one or both of us so I bailed. Neither of us ever mentioned this to the other. A month or so after this incident he started to act really strange around me. He broke plans we'd made to hang out and began avoiding me at work. It was completely out of the blue. This went on for a couple of months before I finally confronted him and asked him what the hell was up and why he was acting so weird. He told me he thought we'd gotten too close and that he wasn't used to being friends with another guy the way he was friends with me. I was devastated but never let on. I broke off all communication outside of work with him after that and we entered into a business only relationship. That was nearly six years ago. Over the next year after that confrontation, he softened up and started poking his head in my office once in a while. Soon we reverted back to being buds in the office but it wasn't like before. I was super cautious about what I said to him, how I acted, and how much time we spent together. And I had also met my now ex-boyfriend around this time so I concentrated on my relationship with him rather than push my luck with my clueless co-worker, though to be honest I never really got over my feelings for him. I thought by being in my new relationship I would eventually transfer whatever feelings I had for my co-worker onto my then boyfriend. Mistake!! Long story short, that relationship didn't work out, though we're still good friends. The problem is we live in different cities and getting together is difficult. Also, he is a lot older than I am... 40 years difference. I'm 37, you do the math. We do care for one another but the love wasn't how I'd hoped it would be. During that whole time I was still in love with the idiot at work and trying like hell not to be. My ex and I broke up in February of 2010. At the time, me and my co-worker were getting along really well so for whatever reason my break up didn't even phase me. Then in June of 2010, my co-worker and I had a huge argument at work. I can't go into details about what we were arguing about because it is sensitive in nature (we work for the government). Anyway, the issue wasn't resolved, still isn't to this day and this time I called off the friendship. Other than office cordialities, we do not speak to each other at all. Me, because I'm supremely pissed at him for being so stupid and not taking my advice. All I was trying to do was help him out. And he, out of stupid male pride, made some really terrible decisions that have caused him extra work and some unwanted attention from upper management, so he doesn't talk to me either. He's lost a lot of credibility at work and his reputation is even more tarnished than when all he was was a walking hard-on in the office. Like that wasn't bad enough, right? So for the last year and a half I've pretty much turned whatever love I've had for this guy into something pretty negative. I wouldn't say I hate him but I still have a lot of unresolved anger and resentment toward him. I avoid him like I've never avoided another human being. Also, the feelings are still so close to the surface I have to leave the room when he's around for fear I'm going to scream at him. I try like hell to be nice to him. I say hello when I see him in the halls but that's about it. We're back to having a strictly professional relationship. We meet when we have to and I find myself being more curt than I need to be with him. I don't enjoy being around him any longer than I have to be and I constantly fight off the urge to punch him in the nose. Which brings me to what I started to observe with this guy. Lately, he's been going out of his way to get my attention at work. He's been passing by my office door, even though there's no good reason to go down the hall I'm on. I, unfortunately, have to pass his office on the way to our boss's office and I make a point to not look in his direction when I have to go there. The part of the building I'm in is less populated and again he just has no reason to be there, not even for business. There's only myself and an older woman co-worker on my hall and a couple of empty offices we're using for storage. I've heard from a couple of co-workers he's been talking about me a lot... like working me somehow into conversations. Some of it has been bad... but most of it has been nice. He's even started smiling at me when he sees me like he used to before. I really am pissed at him still but I know the reason I'm so mad is because I still have feelings for this guy. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm not about to run to him and try to make things all better because I feel foolish over what happened between us, even though I was right and the fucker knows it. Because of my feelings for him it's really hard to gauge the situation without reading all sorts of things into it, which may or may not be there. One of my female friends that I confided in once told me she thought he might have developed feelings for me too, which might have been the reason why he started avoiding me a few years back. I heard he recently broke up with his fiance... which causes me to think the reason he's been traipsing about is because he wants to talk. The reason we became friends in the first place is because he sought my advice when no one else wanted anything to do with him. Even the man he claims as his best friend (who, BTW, I had a drunken one night stand with years ago before we "officially" knew each other) keeps him at a distance these days. I need advice. Am I being too harsh by not letting by-gones be or do I have the right to just keep on keeping on even though I'm aching inside?