Struggles Of Social Norms Of ‘gay Lifestyle’

Thequestionis

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Hey guys!
I’m troubled by something about life and was wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar to me.
I’m 31 years old and have struggled to find anything meaningful in terms of relationships my entire life. A dream of mine is to own a house with a person I love and to live a happy life. But when it comes to being in a gay relationship it seems to be so different to straight relationships. Monogamy seems to be an alien concept in nearly all relationships I’ve encountered in the gay community, even marriages seem to be open relationships.
Also, gay guys tend to only hang around with other gays guys and don’t ever have straight friends. It’s like a lot of gay guys live in a bubble where straight people don’t even exist. I love going to the pub (when we were allowed to) and watching the football, or even going to the actual games with straight friends.
It just seems like these days it’s impossible to be gay without having to be part of the whole lifestyle and dropping everything that is ‘straight’ about yourself. Please tell me there are guys out there who want a monogamous relationship where football can feature, and can mix with different types of people and it be genuine and loving. If not I may have to look at living in the forest by myself!
 

Industrialsize

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I don't have a "gay lifestyle." I have a life. If you are gay, there is nothing "straight" that you need to drop about yourself. Moved in with my husband when I was 20. I'm 63. We're still together.
 

Bro_Indigo

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I don't have a "gay lifestyle." I have a life. If you are gay, there is nothing "straight" that you need to drop about yourself. Moved in with my husband when I was 20. I'm 63. We're still together.

I love this response
 

Thequestionis

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I don't have a "gay lifestyle." I have a life. If you are gay, there is nothing "straight" that you need to drop about yourself. Moved in with my husband when I was 20. I'm 63. We're still together.
Thank you. And I understand what you’re saying. I put ‘straight’ in quotes because I mean the stereotype of what straight is. I like pubs, football, pints, having lots of straight friends, not only going to gay events but it seems that very few gay guys I’ve met like stereotypically straight things or only go to ‘gay nights/events’ and for me it’s just as bad as English people moving to Spain and only mixing with English people. I like having variety in my life but I feel as if it’s only me who thinks this way. It gets me down because I wonder if I’ll ever find a relationship.
 

MuscledHorse

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Males are not hardwired for sexual monogamy. In fact, sexual monogamy is the exception in the animal kingdom not the rule. Sexual monogamy is a made-up religious concept filled with intellectual and real life flaws. The most damaging thing Xian dogma ever did was push unnatural ideas like chastity and sexual monogamy upon our relationships. They tell you that your relationship is based on Love but in reality, the validity of the whole thing rests squarely on the agreement not to have sex with anyone else, ever. Violate that and everything else about the relationship is false and nullified.

You are raised to believe the Natural male drive for sex is a dirty and sinful act if it occurs outside the confines of marriage, within whose construct it becomes 'the ultimate expression of Love.' No one questions how the act of fucking--the same act--just magically transforms from sinful to Love, but apparently it somehow does. In the end, you wind up with a relationship based in jealousy and fear of the Other. Look at how much music alone revolves around the destructive Xian construct of sexual infidelity (ka "cheating"). That's about half the country music catalog and most of Taylor Swift's output.

For me, a relationship is an emotional commitment to another person that has little to do with sexual chemistry. Guys are really bad about confusing the dopamine high of a good fuck as the measure of what will make a good relationship. We are fickle and always looking at new objects of sexual Desire. This doesn't mean we Love someone any less, it just means the other person is hot an we want to get our rocks off with them.

Myself, I am in sexually open relationship (and nearly all successful long term gay male relationships I've encountered are open). It is fantastic. We both Love each other deeply and know the other is number one in our lives. We enjoy sex together as well as apart. For us, it is a primal male animal drive and nothing more in meaning. Consequently, there is no jealousy in the relationship and no fear the other 'will find somebody better' or 'is cheating sexually with other guys." We can focus on our emotional commitment to each other without the distraction of sexual politics interfering. We both enjoy hearing about the other' sexual exploits but still curl up in bed together.

Go into a relationship looking for a best friend rather than an great sex partner and you won't be disappointed.
 

sodominsane

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Males are not hardwired for sexual monogamy. In fact, sexual monogamy is the exception in the animal kingdom not the rule. Sexual monogamy is a made-up religious concept filled with intellectual and real life flaws. The most damaging thing Xian dogma ever did was push unnatural ideas like chastity and sexual monogamy upon our relationships. They tell you that your relationship is based on Love but in reality, the validity of the whole thing rests squarely on the agreement not to have sex with anyone else, ever. Violate that and everything else about the relationship is false and nullified.

You are raised to believe the Natural male drive for sex is a dirty and sinful act if it occurs outside the confines of marriage, within whose construct it becomes 'the ultimate expression of Love.' No one questions how the act of fucking--the same act--just magically transforms from sinful to Love, but apparently it somehow does. In the end, you wind up with a relationship based in jealousy and fear of the Other. Look at how much music alone revolves around the destructive Xian construct of sexual infidelity (ka "cheating"). That's about half the country music catalog and most of Taylor Swift's output.

For me, a relationship is an emotional commitment to another person that has little to do with sexual chemistry. Guys are really bad about confusing the dopamine high of a good fuck as the measure of what will make a good relationship. We are fickle and always looking at new objects of sexual Desire. This doesn't mean we Love someone any less, it just means the other person is hot an we want to get our rocks off with them.

Myself, I am in sexually open relationship (and nearly all successful long term gay male relationships I've encountered are open). It is fantastic. We both Love each other deeply and know the other is number one in our lives. We enjoy sex together as well as apart. For us, it is a primal male animal drive and nothing more in meaning. Consequently, there is no jealousy in the relationship and no fear the other 'will find somebody better' or 'is cheating sexually with other guys." We can focus on our emotional commitment to each other without the distraction of sexual politics interfering. We both enjoy hearing about the other' sexual exploits but still curl up in bed together.

Go into a relationship looking for a best friend rather than an great sex partner and you won't be disappointed.
Great post

I think I’m gonna steal half of this for my rhetoric on monagamy
 
D

deleted5339781

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I'm really interested to hear replies to this. I'm only recently coming to terms with my bisexuality. I've lived my life as a straight male but I'm finding that I'm also attracted to other men.

Looking in from the outside, it does often appear as the OP states and many gay people stick to the gay 'community' and have little interest in what goes on outside that. I've been thinking about whether I could have a relationship with a man. I too enjoy going to the pub with mates, watching the football and mixing with different people. I also wonder whether being with another guy would not be compatible with my current lifestyle.

As I've never had any experience with life as a gay guy, I genuinely have no idea so don't want anyone getting on their high horse. Is it common for guys to be in a same sex relationship but exist outside of the 'lifestyle'?
 

Reglee

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Hey guys!
I’m troubled by something about life and was wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar to me.
I’m 31 years old and have struggled to find anything meaningful in terms of relationships my entire life. A dream of mine is to own a house with a person I love and to live a happy life. But when it comes to being in a gay relationship it seems to be so different to straight relationships. Monogamy seems to be an alien concept in nearly all relationships I’ve encountered in the gay community, even marriages seem to be open relationships.
Also, gay guys tend to only hang around with other gays guys and don’t ever have straight friends. It’s like a lot of gay guys live in a bubble where straight people don’t even exist. I love going to the pub (when we were allowed to) and watching the football, or even going to the actual games with straight friends.
It just seems like these days it’s impossible to be gay without having to be part of the whole lifestyle and dropping everything that is ‘straight’ about yourself. Please tell me there are guys out there who want a monogamous relationship where football can feature, and can mix with different types of people and it be genuine and loving. If not I may have to look at living in the forest by myself!
I totally get what you mean. I myself am not "in the scene" so to speak. But at the end of the day none of that matters and you shouldn't feel ostracized for being true to yourself. Just because a lot of gay men do those things doesn't mean you have to just to keep up. Also there are a lot of people who still believe in monogamy so just do you and someone will eventually come.
 

talkthetalk

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Just keep looking for someone at least somewhat similar to you. You can find someone. In the US, at least, there are guys like you, and I'm sure the same is true for the UK. It can also depend on how you're meeting guys. If you're meeting them at gay bars, well, you're more likely to find someone who mainly wants to hang out in gay bars only with other gay guys. If you're meeting people through apps, try to get a sense of the person through their app profile or just through chatting with them -- what does their social life and friend group look like? If you meet someone through work or through friends, you're probably more likely to find someone like you, someone who doesn't orient his life around a gay bar. Also, you and your boyfriend/partner don't have to share a single social life -- you can each have your own. Maybe you find someone you like who mainly socializes with a group of gay guys -- you could hang with all of them occasionally, but not every week, and just tell your partner that you want a wide range of friends. Communication is key here. Also, I have found that the smaller a place is, the more likely it is that gay men will stick together in cliques. You might consider moving to a bigger place (if you're not in a big place already), where there will be more, and a wider variety, of gay and bi men.
Monogamy might be trickier. I really do think a lot of gay guys are into the open thing. But there's gotta be a nice guy out there who wants to be exclusive.
For reference, 28yo gay guy here. Unlike you, I'm not into stereotypically "straight" things, but similarly to you, I've never really felt at home within groups of gay guys.
 

51arledge

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69 years old here. Met my husband when I was 36 and he was 39. Our bond has always been more emotional/spiritual (but NOT religious!) rather than sexual. There was a strong sexual attraction and chemistry to start, but we are both basically tops. Over the years as he has faced more and more health crises, he has granted me wider permission to play. It's the only thing that has made staying in a marriage, where I do most of the heavy lifting as well as being his primary care-giver, more than tolerable.
As for 'gay lifestyle': NO ONE dictates to me what I may or may not be interested in.

Yes to: classical music, getting my hands dirty gardening, cooking exquisite gourmet meals and desserts, building houses, having really great taste in design and color, enjoying jazz unless it "easy listening", hanging out with straight neighbors and friends of 30 or more years, lifting heavy weights, hiking

No to: Bars, dance clubs, earrings, drag, living in the gay neighborhoods of our city, leather, country music, "camp" , sports.

We now have more close friends who are straight than gay, but that's largely because so much of our age cohort died from AIDS in the 1980s and 90s. The last time we went to a gay bar was in 1991, and we stayed about 15 minutes. Our "straight" neighborhood was immensely supportive of one of our friends when he announced in 2006 that he was going to transition to female with surgery and hormones---there was even applause when he announced it at a big neighbor party. Our neighborhood of about 350 houses has (I think) 4 gay male pairs, 4 single gay men, 7 or 8 lesbian pairs, 4 or 5 single lesbians.
Don't think there is any single way to live a gay, bi, Trans, or straight life. There is no "lifestyle" except as defined by those who wish to dictate "other-ness" as Queers, Blacks, Jews and every other minority that has ever been discriminated against as been defined as "not our type". Do not let someone else define you.
Be yourself! Everyone else is already taken!
 

cantaloupe

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You can find this. I did. Actually my partner and I have had both overwhelmingly bad experiences with other gays so both stay away from the gay community. We got tired of all the infidelity, open relationships, dick talk, sneakiness, being hit on or approached by people while in a relationship.. I don't care who's gay or not but the gay culture is not for me. Life is too short to hang out with people you have little in common with.
 

chrisrobin

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Hey guys!
I’m troubled by something about life and was wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar to me.
I’m 31 years old and have struggled to find anything meaningful in terms of relationships my entire life. A dream of mine is to own a house with a person I love and to live a happy life. But when it comes to being in a gay relationship it seems to be so different to straight relationships. Monogamy seems to be an alien concept in nearly all relationships I’ve encountered in the gay community, even marriages seem to be open relationships.
Also, gay guys tend to only hang around with other gays guys and don’t ever have straight friends. It’s like a lot of gay guys live in a bubble where straight people don’t even exist. I love going to the pub (when we were allowed to) and watching the football, or even going to the actual games with straight friends.
It just seems like these days it’s impossible to be gay without having to be part of the whole lifestyle and dropping everything that is ‘straight’ about yourself. Please tell me there are guys out there who want a monogamous relationship where football can feature, and can mix with different types of people and it be genuine and loving. If not I may have to look at living in the forest by myself!
Just avoid it, stay in your normal bubble and forget the queens and posers. Life exists, believe it or not outside the latest gossip, trend, hairstyle or song. There are too many who don't see it's possible to live in a relationship and are happy to muscle in, spread gossip and even lies and think it's fun. Get out there, buy a house on a quiet road and you'll be pleasantly surprised at how you'll be welcomed, particularly if neither of you try to hit on husbands or sons. Gay dinner parties can be fun but then they can be a torment when other guests are on about free love, open relationships etc. There is no such thing as a relationship that's open but there is such a thing as two guys who live together sleeping with each other and other men.
My longest relationships have been with "normal " couples, some of the best holidays and dinners in their company. Some of the worst times in my life have been spent in gay circles.
 

takethecurve

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Just as there is no "straight" lifestyle, there is no "gay" lifestyle. For every straight married homebody, there's someone our at the bars every night drinking and having casual meaningless sex.

Gay people may tend to hang around other gay people for the sake of security and safety. You at least trust that that group won't judge or discriminate against you for that aspect of your identity. But I know plenty of gay men, myself included, who have predominately straight friendships, who have long term lasting relationships, who move in, buy homes, get married.

Stop imaging there is a box and you'll find many of the fears and limitations you perceive are fictional.
 

Sunman_Universe

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OP. Just keep looking for a guy who is interested in you. If he truly is into you - then trips to the local pub to watch the game and hanging with straight friends will be something he accepts as a part of his relationship with you.