Struggling with being married and bi

[echopeak]

I have read a lot of threads on LPSG about guys in a hetero marriage who are bi, or curious and struggle with holding off their same-sex desires or curiosities. Those posts and threads have given great perspective to me.

What about guys married or in relationships with another dude, but have hetero attractions or desires? My husband and I have been partners for three years. Back in my high school days, I dated guys and gals and it was very enjoyable. After my husband and I got married, I have been entirely monogomous, but I am finding myself more and more interested in girls again. If my husband were not fully gay, we would have already just had a MMF threesome, but he has no desire for that anymore.

Before I get the standard 'be faithful, do not cheat!' diatribes, anything that is decided is full disclosure with my husband. I will not be trying forbidden fruit. It would only be with his full permission, and ground rules.

That said, he hates the idea of me being with a girl, or a MMF. How do I reconcile my growing desires for a girl with my gay marriage?

 

[echopeak]

My partner and I have had long discussions about the issue. He wants total monogomy. I do not fully understand why he would not want to have an exciting third party to threesome with ocassionally, but I understand that we are two sovereign individuals with different interests sometimes.

Are girls just relegated to fantasyland for me? Is it a lost cause?

 

[lovesbbw1981]

Hi Echo. My wife knew I was bi when we got married (we're divorced now but not because of that). For her it was a turn on. We never did anything about it but it didn't bother her at all. I can imagine your husband feels a bit insecure though, that maybe you'd want the girl more than you want him.

 

[andy_life]

your husband is gay do you have a sexual relationship... ..... Im married and told my wife I was bi which caused problems.. I admit I have giving in and had a sexual relationship with a guy... I have always wished I was one or the other tho then I wished I was straight but now I'm exploring the feeling of if I could lead a gay life.... i want to experience more of a gay relationship and experience if I can be emotional with a guy not just sexual... have you ever wanted more with a woman then just sex could you lead a gay life with a woman why not explore this avenue

 

[bijockfl]

Echo:

First congrats on having frank discussions with your husband. You are not in a fantasy land he just needs reassurance that you won't fall in love with the other girl. I know a lesbian and a gay couple where a partner of each desires opposite sexual relations. Both tell me it has made their relationships stronger as they are monogomous with each other. They are now at the point where they are seriously discussing having children together.

 

[echopeak]

I can imagine your husband feels a bit insecure though, that maybe you'd want the girl more than you want him.

Yes LovesBBW, he does have some insecurity about me falling for a girl. I don't know how to show that I won't fall for anyone else but him, even if we had a more open marriage, other than showing my continuing love for him.

 

[echopeak]

congrats on having frank discussions with your husband. You are not in a fantasy land he just needs reassurance that you won't fall in love with the other girl. I know a lesbian and a gay couple where a partner of each desires opposite sexual relations. Both tell me it has made their relationships stronger as they are monogomous with each other. They are now at the point where they are seriously discussing having children together.

Bijock, That is heartening to hear. We both want to have children someday, as well. After we settle down on a homestead somewhere and have gotten some through-hikes done.

How do I assure him I won't fall for another person if we had more of an open marriage? Am I stuck being entirely monogamous, never to enjoy women again but for in my head?

And thanks, guys, for the replies. The insight is very helpful.

 

[echopeak]

your husband is gay do you have a sexual relationship... ..... Im married and told my wife I was bi which caused problems.. I admit I have giving in and had a sexual relationship with a guy... I have always wished I was one or the other tho then I wished I was straight but now I'm exploring the feeling of if I could lead a gay life.... i want to experience more of a gay relationship and experience if I can be emotional with a guy not just sexual... have you ever wanted more with a woman then just sex could you lead a gay life with a woman why not explore this avenue

AndyLife: If I am interpreting your post correctly, my answer is yes. I have experienced love with women as well. After high school, I dated a gal for three years, and wanted to marry her someday and raise a family on a homestead. We'd grown up together since we were toddlers. But, alas, she did not want to live and settle in the woods, and I did not want to live or settle in the big city, so we parted ways. It was a rather gentle and calm breakup; we just were not meant to go down the same path with eachother. I have very fond thoughts of her to this day.

Anyhow, I love my husband, and we both want to settle on a homestead in the woods. We've lived off-grid for most of our relationship, and can't wait to settle our own property someday soon.

I just want to enjoy physical intimacy with a woman now and again, and continue loving my husband. The issue is him being comfortable with me having sex with women.

I'd really be more into a...what's the name of it...flexible monogamy? Monogam-ish? Committed to each other, but occasional exploration or sex elsewhere would be okay.

For now, he is interested and comfortable with only monogamy. Which I will continue to respect.

 

[bijockfl]

Bijock, That is heartening to hear. We both want to have children someday, as well. After we settle down on a homestead somewhere and have gotten some through-hikes done.

How do I assure him I won't fall for another person if we had more of an open marriage? Am I stuck being entirely monogamous, never to enjoy women again but for in my head?

And thanks, guys, for the replies. The insight is very helpful.

Echo-it is about trust and his internal belief that you do love him and he deserves your love. I wouldn't get so caught up on the monogamy bit. Echo it is just getting off with a woman but he is in your arms all night.

 

[Heat]

I can definitely relate to your dilemma. There's no single answer for everyone. My partner feels very threatened about my attraction to women. However, we have a somewhat open but highly respectful relationship, so I do get to dabble without (too much) guilt.

 

[Stratavos]

have you gone over birthday ground rules (acceptable gifts, like a "hall pass" so to speak)?
Is it acceptable if you were "paying for it"?
what have you done in the past to prove your commitment?
What has he done in the Past to prove his?
If he let you do this, what's something you'd let him do?

lots of questions, and making a T chart of pros and cons as well as a weight scale of the qualities is something that would help a lot.

(don't post it here, but actually fill it out)

 

[echopeak]

Echo it is just getting off with a woman but he is in your arms all night.

Thanks BiJock,

You are right. He is the one in my arms all day (we both work night jobs). And he is the one who will be sitting with me on the porch when we are old, sipping our apple cider and staring out on the homestead.

Not some girl who I got off with because it fulfills half of my desires.

I sometimes do wonder what it would be like it I was unattached and could play anytime with anyone. Maybe I could fulfill both sides of my desires this way. Or more likely, it would be less fulfilling than I imagine, less fun than I think, and I would miss out on so much more rewarding life and advventures with him.

 

[echopeak]

I can definitely relate to your dilemma. There's no single answer for everyone. My partner feels very threatened about my attraction to women. However, we have a somewhat open but highly respectful relationship, so I do get to dabble without (too much) guilt.

Heat,

That is definitely what is happening for us. He feels quite threatened by my attraction to gals. I am very open about it, necessarily because when I kept quiet with it in the first two years of our relationship, it led to more issues and jealousy.

What did it take to get to the point of you being able to dabble without too much guilt or trouble?

We are both becoming much more open about just speaking our thoughts or desires, having found that keeping them quiet and hoping the other will intuit them doesn't work.

And thank you. It is nice to know I am not the only gay-partnered bi guy out there.

 

[echopeak]

have you gone over birthday ground rules (acceptable gifts, like a "hall pass" so to speak)?
Is it acceptable if you were "paying for it"?
what have you done in the past to prove your commitment?
What has he done in the Past to prove his?
If he let you do this, what's something you'd let him do?

lots of questions, and making a T chart of pros and cons as well as a weight scale of the qualities is something that would help a lot.

(don't post it here, but actually fill it out)

Stratovos,

I am not sure what you mean by birthday rules or hall pass...is this another term for ground rules with extra-marital play? If so, yes. We have discussed what those would be. The rules sit like this, currently:

-If I play extra-maritally, he is fine with it, but would be disappointed. To the point of us dissolving our marriage. Regardless of the level of play.


Hence, why I am staying totally committed to our relationship currently, and will not break the set rules. I don't want to break us up, I just have desires for girls that he can't fulfill (such as cunnilingus, in particular).

No, I would not want to pay for it. That wouldn't be a route I'm comfortable going.

We both have had some disappointing flirting with others outside the relationship (just over the internet, to date), and are both certain that that isn't an avenue for third party play or flirtation we want to open up. It has never led to the satisfaction we hoped for when either of us tried fulfilling the extra-marital desires that way.

So maybe that is my answer right on the tip of my nose: Maybe it just isn't for us; for me.

He would be willing to have threesomes, if it was with another guy. But, the guy would have to be someone we've been friends with a long time and are both very comfortable with. And it would be more of a committed situation. I can't remember the name for it, but it is when the third person is a more committed lover to the three, which guarantees sexual safety and no diseases. So my partner IS open to some bedroom adventure, but we have yet to find a suitable third.

The committed third guy is a fun-sounding route, at least on occasion, but leaves my desires for girls still in my head.

 

[Black_Frost]

Speaking as someone who's Bi and who was married until a few years ago (my bisexuality wasn't what broke-up the marriage, that was due to far more mundane reasons):

My wife knew I was Bi, before we got together, let alone before we married. I tend to be monogamous within gender, but she knew from the get-go that I'd need at least occasional same-gender intimacy (including sex,) and she was honestly fine with that.

I won't give you the 'be faithful' speech, but I will say this: If he's insisting upon monogamy, it might not just be that he needs reassurance, or that he'll get over it, if you just explain it to him in the right way. He might genuinely be monogamous. Some people are wired that way. And if you've promised him monogamy and are now wanting to have another partner as well, that's something that'll have to be addressed. In that case, you can either decide the relationship is more important than your attraction to women, decide to break your promise to him, and hope he never finds out, or end the relationship because you've changed and now aren't a person who can keep the promises you've previously made.

When it comes down to it: You're married, and you're wanting to have sex with someone who isn't your husband. That doesn't really change the basics of the situation. It's the same dilemma that straight married couples have been facing for millennia. If he decides he can handle it, fine. If he doesn't, you've some hard decisions to make, and FWIW I really don't advise emotionally blackmailing a spouse into accepting infidelity on the grounds that you'll leave them if they don't. That generally just builds resentment like a pressure-cooker, and leads to a messy and painful breakup down the line. I don't advise cheating, either, but you don't want that speech, so....

But there's nothing wrong with not wanting an open (or more open) marriage. Some people just aren't wired that way, just as some people aren't wired for monogamy. Whatever happens, best of luck to you both, and I hope you find a solution you can both live with, comfortably and happily.

 

[echopeak]

Blackfrost, thank you for the knowledgeable response. I appreciate it.

I am realizing, after several more discussions with my husband, that we can only work with total monogomy. Anything else and he would consider the relationship untenable. So, he is one of those wired for monogamy.

I am at the point where I now have to decide if our partnership is worth staying strictly monogamous for, or I need to end our marriage and pursue and explore with others.

I have been vacillating in my head between either route for a while now, and it has caused some issues. The standard "how will I ever find someone like him again?" versus "how much more fulfillment could I be having?" doubts.

Extremely compelling arguments to either side of that fence.

 

[deleted140118]

Wow! This thread really touches home with me. I'm married to a guy too and was married to a woman before. I love women but definitely enjoy my husband too. I am struggling daily with the urge to pursue others but don't want anyone to get hurt. We have talked about it before but he doesn't like the idea. I have fooled around meaning jo with other guys without him knowing but that was the farthest I've ever gone. Lots to think about with the responses here.

 

[Elbion]

What about guys married or in relationships with another dude, but have hetero attractions or desires? My husband and I have been partners for three years. Back in my high school days, I dated guys and gals and it was very enjoyable. After my husband and I got married, I have been entirely monogomous, but I am finding myself more and more interested in girls again. If my husband were not fully gay, we would have already just had a MMF threesome, but he has no desire for that anymore....

Hej Echo, and spouse.

Though the post is five1/2 years old, I still just made this account extra to answer this. Everyone coming with a speech now, deserves be pimpslapped. Cause it always sounds- and still never is that simple. Who doesn't get the hots sometimes?! A fresh looking she or he - and we all got our blood stirring. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.

What does sometimes help, might be a bit of perspective and reflection from the outside, what you already feel or even know.
I know a few guys and girls who've gone for it. And none of them regretted their choice of the moment - cause they enjoyed it.
That being said, every single one of them though misses now what they lost. Cause sad to say: It not often works out well.

Am in my fourties now, and you'll soon be too. It becomes increasingly important, to me at least that is, to have my soulmate, cosy hugged on the porch, at the fireplace - or even the small arguments that do come from the care of heart. It is the most precious one in a lifetime shot. Even 15ish years later we hold hand to this day, chasing each other tickling through the house or smelling content each others hair on the couch. And bearing in mind how utterly few around me have that, I do realize being incredible lucky.

If you don't have that- the choice is easy: Get out 'n get that, or get at least some playtime.
In case you do have that (and if you're the guys from the card vid- you definitely have that) .... do nothing without or against him. If you need to see girls, then win his trust first. Don't rush it- don't push him. Once he realizes its just a night with a girl and he looses nothing of you, it pays off eventually. Though take my word from experience: That might take a couple years.
My friends could'nt / didn't want to wait. I can tell you, they're not happier now. I hope this all puts one more piece in your puzzle. Best of luck. /Elbion

 

[ManchesterTom]

The problem is that although the bi guy in the marriage is not setting out to become emotionally involved, there is no way of knowing that emotions are not going to ignite. When that happens then all hell breaks loos in all of your lives because the heart wants what the heart wants and then you could lose everything. I know people who have had affairs and none of them went out to destroy their primary relationship. The risk is huge.