Study finds men more hurt by stressful relationships than women.

[B_quietguy]

Robin Simon, PhD, a professor at Wake Forest, and Anne Barrett, PhD, of FSU, studied the emotional reactions of 1,611 unmarried adults between the ages of 18 and 23. Their study shows that men are much more adversely affected by stressful relationships than women.

Some quotes from a news article:

"They learned that men hurt emotionally more than women when a romance floundered, but they showed it differently."

"While girls have a tougher time coming to terms with a breakup, guys take it harder when the couple is having problems, the study shows. And when the relationship is going well, men get more of a psychological boost."

“Common wisdom says that women are more hurt by problems in a relationship, but we found that the benefits of support in a relationship and the disadvantages of strain are exaggerated for the men.”

​

Another news article on the study says:

"The harmful stress of a roller-coaster relationship is more likely to affect the mental health of young men than young women."

"Young women are more emotionally affected than their romantic partners when it comes to being in a relationship or not. Young men, on the other hand, are more affected emotionally by the quality of their current relationships."

"Men need partner support more than women do, significantly so."

"Problems in relationships seem to threaten young men’s identity and feelings of self-worth, but this doesn’t seem to be the case for young women."

That study overturns the myth that men are not emotionally invested in a relationship or not emotionally affected by it.

 

[Gecko4lif]

Women talk men to death

It has been a proven fact for years

That is why we die so much sooner.

 

[HiddenLacey]

Could this study have anything to do with the new "emo" type of young man?

 

[Trouty]

Could this study have anything to do with the new "emo" type of young man?

It might do but I'm too sensitive and depressed to talk about it right now...

 

[helgaleena]

While males may be hurt mentally more, it ends up that females are hurt physically more, often paying with their lives when a relationship goes wrong. Yes, men, it would do everybody good to step away if you are not getting the support you need. Don't try to turn a woman into what you wish she was, just dump her before it gets worse.

 

[HiddenLacey]

It might do but I'm too sensitive and depressed to talk about it right now...

Having not been exposed to a lot of male emotion other than anger, I thought it was a legitimate question....

 

[comedycentral]

I'm in that age group, and I would have to agree with this study. Basically all of my friends are straight, and I notice what this study is talking about for sure.

 

[alwaysguessing]

I'm in that age group, and I would have to agree with this study. Basically all of my friends are straight, and I notice what this study is talking about for sure.

Me too, though I'm a little older than that now. I've noticed it with myself and my friends around that age and now, still, a few years later. Basically it's like everything is the man's fault no matter the effort he makes. If the girls don't feel like being good then they just claim their emotional needs are not being met, and use it as an excuse to do whatever they want. I put up with it back then but I have finally learned that I have way more power in a relationship than society would like me to believe.

 

[petite]

I've always known that men are emotionally invested in relationships. What a stupid myth!

This is probably related to the research by the Gottman Institute that shows that men are more affected by conflict in a relationship and are slower to recover from it than women are, in men their blood pressure and heart rate takes 3x longer to come down to their normal levels after a fight. It's one of the reasons why couples who can handle their problems in a non-combative and non-aggressive way are much more likely to survive.

 

[HiddenLacey]

Me too, though I'm a little older than that now. I've noticed it with myself and my friends around that age and now, still, a few years later. Basically it's like everything is the man's fault no matter the effort he makes. If the girls don't feel like being good then they just claim their emotional needs are not being met, and use it as an excuse to do whatever they want. I put up with it back then but I have finally learned that I have way more power in a relationship than society would like me to believe.

I'm only a year older than you. I wonder if there is a cultural difference based on where we live? I'm from the South, I can count the number of times I have seen a man cry on one hand. Most of the guys I know have happy or angry emotions. Sadness seems like such a repressed emotion. That is why I was thinking of the "emo" type. But since I come from a very small town we do not have very many different personalities. The men are all pretty much the same and so are the women.

 

[SyddyKitty]

Because we internalize more than you. It's not healthy to do such and will mostly be let out in fits of anger after a boiling point.

 

[HiddenLacey]

Because we internalize more than you. It's not healthy to do such and will mostly be let out in fits of anger after a boiling point.

That is why I found the study surprising most of the guys I know act like nothing bothers them, and when it does the reaction is always anger, not sadness. Very interesting.

 

[petite]

I'm only a year older than you. I wonder if there is a cultural difference based on where we live? I'm from the South, I can count the number of times I have seen a man cry on one hand. Most of the guys I know have happy or angry emotions. Sadness seems like such a repressed emotion. That is why I was thinking of the "emo" type. But since I come from a very small town we do not have very many different personalities. The men are all pretty much the same and so are the women.

I think men feel the same emotions, they just don't show them or know how to show them.

For example, I've never seen TheBoyfriend cry. The closest I've ever seen him to crying was after I found out I was pregnant and we were watching a movie. There was this moving moment were the main character who wanted a child meets the young daughter he never knew he had, and I looked at TheBF and his eyes were red. He looked really embarrassed that I had "caught" him, too, but I think that's just how most men are. They feel that they have to repress their feelings. I was really touched by seeing that he felt so strongly about having a child with me, but he just doesn't know how to express that to me very well.

The findings by The Gottman Institute actually suggest that maybe one of the reasons why men "stonewall" when they get angry is because they do not handle that emotion as well as women do. It suggests that maybe one of the reasons why women are more comfortable losing their tempers is because it doesn't affect us as deeply. We recover our tempers and feel less stress from it than men do. When couples fight while wearing stress monitors, they clearly show that mens' blood pressure rises faster and men have a more difficult time regaining their tempers after the fight is over and they experience more stress overall, while women my express more anger they actually remain calm longer, they feel less stress from it and regain their tempers much faster. Women just have a much faster recovery time.

Incidentally, The Gottman Institute found that stonewalling by men is one of the serious indicators that a relationship is unhealthy. While it's common for men to do it, it's also apparently common for that behavior to be one of the factors that destroys the relationship.

Like I wrote above and in several other threads, The Gottman Institute has done more research on relationship longevity than any other research group, and they found that the best indicator of long term relationship success is how well a couple handles their arguments and disagreements. Avoiding stress and combativeness, and being able to fight without causing hurt or bitterness or resentment is essential to a relationship's success.

 

[concupisys]

it's not just that men internalize, it's that many men in bad relationships don't talk or gain support from other men about it.... if a woman is in a bad relationship, she talks with her girlfriends and gets the support that she needs to re-gain her self respect.... on the other hand, men will hold it in and let themselves be consumed by their emotions, thereby losing self respect....

('emo' guys are just playing in to a fad.... they're acting emotional but in all honesty they're just being fake for the most part.... remember: there are way more emotions than just depression.... 'emo' kids need to suck it up and get real with themselves....)

 

[SyddyKitty]

That's also a very true point in many cases.

 

[alwaysguessing]

Exactly. I've never cried about problems in a relationship, but I've gotten depressed, i.e. lethargic, gained weight, no longer interested in activities I used to enjoy, etc. I just shutdown. For an acute response, I've also gotten pissed off and punched through doors and stuff. I just hate that. Makes me feel so weak.

Living alone, this is no longer a problem, because I can always remove myself from an infuriating situation or argument, return to what is mine, that which I have complete control over, and everything else goes away. But when a shitty attitude is thrown in your face nonstop 24/7, no matter what you do to counter it, I can't help but eventually pop.

 

[petite]

Exactly. I've never cried about problems in a relationship, but I've gotten depressed, i.e. lethargic, gained weight, no longer interested in activities I used to enjoy, etc. I just shutdown. For an acute response, I've also gotten pissed off and punched through doors and stuff. I just hate that. Makes me feel so weak.

Living alone, this is no longer a problem, because I can always remove myself from an infuriating situation or argument, return to what is mine, that which I have complete control over, and everything else goes away. But when a shitty attitude is thrown in your face nonstop 24/7, no matter what you do to counter it, I can't help but eventually pop.

It sounds like you have a lot of experience with highly combative arguing, which is the strongest indicator that a relationship is doomed. If your arguments just escalate and escalate until both of you are just hurting one another, then that relationship has no chance of success.

 

[alwaysguessing]

It sounds like you have a lot of experience with highly combative arguing, which is the strongest indicator that a relationship is doomed. If your arguments just escalate and escalate until both of you are just hurting one another, then that relationship has no chance of success.

Oh certainly. My girlfriends were always trying to control me and tell me what to do. What to eat, how to dress, who my friends should be, etc. They were both so imposing and angry. I've been insulted, threatened, etc. "If I ever find out that you had lunch with another girl, I'll fucking kill you, and I WILL find out!"

It's been a fucking blast. Now I've said fuck this relationship crap. Come over when you want to fuck and then leave. The rest of the time I'll do whatever the fuck I want.

 

[alwaysguessing]

I believe my friend's relationships are just as bad. It's just that they don't mind being controlled as much, so they don't end up fighting as much or as bad.

 

[concupisys]

being an openly gay man, i've found it easier to cope with relationship issues (albeit few) better than a lot of straight men because i have a good network of guys who i talk to and share stories with.... though i've noticed that gay men also keep a better balance of their relationship side of life with their personal side.... open relationships also seem much more common, and i'm friends with couples who have been couples for years and don't even live together....

alwaysguessing: one piece of advice i could give you based on what you've said in this thread is that if you're going to go for a long haul with a girl, find someone who needs just as much personal space as you do, and therefore needs just as much trust from you as you do from her.... it'll at least put you in a state of monogamy, but without the hassle of having to feel like you need to be attached at the hip.... (which by the way i think is really unhealthy....)