Study finds men more hurt by stressful relationships than women.

[petite]

Oh certainly. My girlfriends were always trying to control me and tell me what to do. What to eat, how to dress, who my friends should be, etc. They were both so imposing and angry. I've been insulted, threatened, etc. "If I ever find out that you had lunch with another girl, I'll fucking kill you, and I WILL find out!"

It's been a fucking blast. Now I've said fuck this relationship crap. Come over when you want to fuck and then leave. The rest of the time I'll do whatever the fuck I want.

Well you're describing the reasons for the arguments. All couples have arguments and they all have reasons for them. There is no such thing as a relationship without arguments.

The difference is that those arguments don't have to be combative. From your descriptions about you and them losing your tempers, it sounds like they are extremely combative. Successful couples are able to discuss their problems and issues with one another without losing their tempers, being mean, saying hateful things, or causing resentment or bitterness. Those are good and necessary relationships skills.

Many men and women have good relationships skills. It sounds like those women didn't have good relationship skills. You keep blaming their lack of relationship skills on the fact that they're women, which I wish you would stop doing, because just as many men have bad relationship skills.

The fact that you only date women means that your complaints are about women, but for every story about a woman losing her temper in a relationship and saying something mean, I can come back with one myself. You need to stop blaming "women" for doing things and just blame those women that you dated.

If I told you about my friend whose boyfriend hit her and was insanely jealous and said that "Men are like that," would I be accurate? Obviously some men are, but not all men and it's obtuse and sexist to generalize like that.

 

[petite]

being an openly gay man, i've found it easier to cope with relationship issues (albeit few) better than a lot of straight men because i have a good network of guys who i talk to and share stories with.... though i've noticed that gay men also keep a better balance of their relationship side of life with their personal side.... open relationships also seem much more common, and i'm friends with couples who have been couples for years and don't even live together....

alwaysguessing: one piece of advice i could give you based on what you've said in this thread is that if you're going to go for a long haul with a girl, find someone who needs just as much personal space as you do, and therefore needs just as much trust from you as you do from her.... it'll at least put you in a state of monogamy, but without the hassle of having to feel like you need to be attached at the hip.... (which by the way i think is really unhealthy....)

The Gottman Institute has found that gay couples handle their arguments better than straight couples, both gay men and lesbians. They think it's because men and women communicate so differently that it's just easier when the relationship consists of two people who think alike and understand what's going on inside one another's heads. With a man and a woman, she doesn't understand how upset he's getting and so she may not be backing off when she needs to, and he doesn't know how to express that he's losing his temper so he walks away and refuses to communicate, and neither of them understand why the other one is behaving the way that they are and soon the relationship ends badly.

I'm lucky that most of my relationships have been low conflict. The only one that wasn't was with a man who had issues with his temper and who was very jealous and paranoid. That relationship ended worse than any of my other ones and he is the only person I've been in a LTR with that I don't consider a friend now. That's how badly it ended!

If you're screaming at one another all the time, you either need to figure out how not to get to that point during an argument, or just end it, because it's not going to get better! Both people need to recognize what effect their words are having on the other person, be careful about not hurting one another's feelings, back off when the other person becomes stressed, know how to de-escalate the situation when it starts getting heated, and know how to remain friends while discussing things that are bothering you about the other person. You have to know how to bring up issues the right way. Those interpersonal skills are absolutely essential in a romantic relationship! The long term success of your relationship depends on it.

 

[alwaysguessing]

Frankly, I think you are getting defensive and reading too much into my comments. In this thread I have only referred to and drawn conclusions about women that I actually know, i.e. the ones I have dated and the one's my friends have dated. I believe I am perfectly capable and entitled to draw conclusions about them since I have actually interacted with them. I never said anything about all women, most women, women in general, or anything like that. I never said they have those faults "because they are women". It just so happens that they have particular faults and they are women. There's a difference. It's starting to wear on me that I can't seem to have an opinion about a select group of individuals without the automatic assumption that I intend for my judgment to be extrapolated over the larger group as a whole. Makes it seem impossible to get my point across.

Thanks, conc, who knows if I'll ever find someone like that, with all the other attributes that I want.

 

[Drifterwood]

My views on this are highly charged by the current circumstances of a close friend, male.

Some women expect to get their own way, this type of woman is happy to have tantrums, because this is what she has always done and it has always worked. However sometimes men need to get their own way too. The confrontation when these two collide is worse for the man because it really matters to him whilst it is just another tantrum for her.

Men are generally patronised when it comes to such things.

 

[petite]

My views on this are highly charged by the current circumstances of a close friend, male.

Some women expect to get their own way, this type of woman is happy to have tantrums, because this is what she has always done and it has always worked. However sometimes men need to get their own way too. The confrontation when these two collide is worse for the man because it really matters to him whilst it is just another tantrum for her.

Men are generally patronised when it comes to such things.

Don't you start in on the woman hating generalizations. Is this thread doomed to be a "all women suck" thread?

Trust me, I could make a thread where I listed out every hateful, stupid, selfish, mean, condescending, or immature thing that the ~50 men I've dated or had sex with have said and done towards me, and trust me, I have a lot of stories just from my own life. Don't get me started on my friends' experiences, too. I could fill a book.

I can't do that because I know that while one man was stupid and selfish, another man was different, or that while one man was an asshole during arguments, during those rare times we actually argue TheBoyfriend remains my friend the entire time.

Seriously, lately there have been too many "women suck" threads. Can we keep this one more thoughtful?

 

[alwaysguessing]

Don't you start in on the woman hating generalizations. Is this thread doomed to be a "all women suck" thread?

ok, where the hell are you coming from. I point out that my friends and I have had crappy relationships, and you just hear "all women suck"? It's like you're not even trying to hear me.

 

[petite]

If that isn't what you mean, maybe you could consider wording your posts differently. Perhaps people are misunderstanding your intentions because of how you word your posts.

Also, if you want to clear up misunderstandings, you could be less combative in your language. It's less likely to start an argument if you phrase things differently.

 

[alwaysguessing]

I shall do my best.

 

[Drifterwood]

My views on this are highly charged by the current circumstances of a close friend, male.

Some women .

Don't you start in on the woman hating generalizations. Is this thread doomed to be a "all women suck" thread??

If that isn't what you mean, maybe you could consider wording your posts differently.

Perhaps you could learn to read?

 

[petite]

Men are generally patronised when it comes to such things.

I can read. And I don't patronize anyone I'm in a relationship over his issues. I don't throw tantrums, either.

But some men act like your friend's SO. It's not behavior that is isolated to women.

I've been in a relationship with a man who did the exact same thing. He actually laid down on the ground once during one of his tantrums and pounded his fists and his feet on the ground, which made me laugh because he was a 32 year old man acting like a 5 year old. Do you know how hard it is to be attracted to a man after he does something like that? Most of the time it wasn't funny, though, and he punched a lot of walls and doors over the tiniest things. I don't know if he acted like that because it worked in previous relationships to get him what he wanted, but I left him.

I think we can both agree that it is obnoxious behavior regardless if a man or a woman does it?

 

[Drifterwood]

I can read. And I don't patronize anyone I'm in a relationship over his issues. I don't throw tantrums, either.

I wasn't talking about you.

 

[alwaysguessing]

I wasn't talking about you.

You said generally, and apparently folks take that personally around here, which I feel is an inappropriate reaction.

 

[petite]

I'm glad we've established that I am an exception, so there are probably many others like me, too.

 

[concupisys]

heh.... everyone here has made some good points so let's not turn this thread in to an argument.... i was actually talking to someone the other day and we both agreed that in order to make a relationship work, there has to be equal growth on both sides, and when getting in to conflicts and laying down ground rules there can't be all kinds of conditions applied.... like: "i'll be like this IF...." or: "i want YOU to change but there's nothing wrong with me"...

that's just stupid....

as for people being patronizing or throwing tantrums, that is also stupid and definitely grounds for a breakup.... nobody in a so-called 'relationship' should ever have to deal with that....

 

[alwaysguessing]

I'm glad we've established that I am an exception, so there are probably many others like me, too.

Exactly. But I believe that was the initial implication anyway. There are exceptions to every rule you know!

If we're sitting out on the patio in scotland, on a bright sunny day, and I state "You know, generally it's raining here..."

You don't need to pull out an umbrella.

:smile:

 

[HiddenLacey]

Oh certainly. My girlfriends were always trying to control me and tell me what to do. What to eat, how to dress, who my friends should be, etc. They were both so imposing and angry. I've been insulted, threatened, etc. "If I ever find out that you had lunch with another girl, I'll fucking kill you, and I WILL find out!"

*snip*QUOTE]

Yeah there are a lot of women, not like this. I know you were not trying to group us all together. I can tell you everyman I have been in a serious relationship with has-

Controlled the way I dress, what I eat, who my friends can be, who I can talk to, the way I dress, every moment of my time by calling my constantly to ask where I am, my sex life, listened in on my phone conversations, went through my phone, one even controlled my ability to leave him.

I've heard the words if you leave me I will kill you, I will burn your house down. I had my vehicle window smashed out and the tires flattened. Ever try to walk away from someone insisting on screaming and yelling in an arguement and they follow you room to room and corner you? Makes a person feel GREAT, let me tell you. When an arguement escalates to screaming and grabbing I do not want to listen anymore, I'm done and I want to walk away. It has been my experience that people I'm in LTR with are this way.

If men are so angry because they internalize I would rather them say whatevers bothering them before it turns ugly. I always find myself editing everything I say to the point that I even do it on here. You learn how to smooth over any situation. Maybe single life is a good life for all of us.

 

[concupisys]

submissivegirl: it sounds like you've had a lot of bad luck in relationships.... it is definitely NOT ON for a man to get physical with you or threaten you like that.... you should find yourself a SNAG... (sensitive new age guy...)

i think what creates the rift between men and women is that because of the fact that so many men don't talk to other men about their issues in relationships and get the TLC they need (i know, sounds cheesy...) then they're not being spoken to in ways they understand by people who they know understands from their perspective.... women can try to explain their side to men until they're blue in the face sometimes, but men can't seem to come to an understanding because they believe that the other side simply doesn't understand them.... it's sort of like how some men on occasion will ask a woman: "what did i do?" and the woman responds with: "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!".... trust me: men don't like that....

but single life isn't for everyone, and some people will jump in to relationships hard without taking the time to realize if they really want to be there or if the person they're with is right for them at the time.... in the end, i ultimately prefer taking it slow with people.... i'm heavily guarded in the first stages of a relationship as a way of protecting myself from any hurt i might feel if things don't work out.... i learned the hard way the first time i fell for someone way too fast and he suddenly ran away from me.... i fell hard for him, and when he wasn't there when i fell, i smacked my head on the pavement....

that will never happen again....

 

[D_Harvey Schmeckel]

This may have something to do with pursuers vs. distancers; one model says that partners regardless of gender tend to be a dyad with one pursuer and one distancer. One who initiates conflict and one who flees from it or shuts down. Women tend to be pursuers and men distancers but it can work the other way:
Negative interaction cycle of criticize/placate, pursue and distance intimacy

 

[HiddenLacey]

Hmmm IDK I live in the country I haven't been exposed to many of the SNAG types:tongue: I don't really think I would be attracted to a man like that either. Not saying I would mind if he was sensative, I'm just more of a you Tarzan me Jane type of female. And I would never tell a man "you know what you did," I have no need to play games. Life can be frustrating enough without playing silly mind games. It's simple, this is what you did and this is how I feel about it. I admitt that now I seem to find myself keeping it to myself more and more. It seems easier than arguing about it.

It sure does hurt when you hit the pavement huh?:wink: Unfortunately we have to watch being to protective of ourselves because we may push people away.

submissivegirl: it sounds like you've had a lot of bad luck in relationships.... it is definitely NOT ON for a man to get physical with you or threaten you like that.... you should find yourself a SNAG... (sensitive new age guy...)

i think what creates the rift between men and women is that because of the fact that so many men don't talk to other men about their issues in relationships and get the TLC they need (i know, sounds cheesy...) then they're not being spoken to in ways they understand by people who they know understands from their perspective.... women can try to explain their side to men until they're blue in the face sometimes, but men can't seem to come to an understanding because they believe that the other side simply doesn't understand them.... it's sort of like how some men on occasion will ask a woman: "what did i do?" and the woman responds with: "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!".... trust me: men don't like that....

but single life isn't for everyone, and some people will jump in to relationships hard without taking the time to realize if they really want to be there or if the person they're with is right for them at the time.... in the end, i ultimately prefer taking it slow with people.... i'm heavily guarded in the first stages of a relationship as a way of protecting myself from any hurt i might feel if things don't work out.... i learned the hard way the first time i fell for someone way too fast and he suddenly ran away from me.... i fell hard for him, and when he wasn't there when i fell, i smacked my head on the pavement....

that will never happen again....

 

[alwaysguessing]

Submissivegirl, I'm so sorry to hear about your misfortunes. In fact, it bothers me so much, I almost wish that I could do something about it. However, deep down, I know that only you can make a positive change by standing up for yourself and finally saying "Enough is enough!". I truly hope your situation will improve, if it hasn't already.

A general comment: I believe that both men and women have the potential to be "controlling" in a relationship. I just think that it's human nature to be controlling in general. Look at the world today: war, rape, sex trafficking, bullies, bigots, etc. Everywhere you look, someone is trying to control another person or people. It's a disgustingly sad truth about our nature. I hate it so much.

That said, I think one way that people could have healthy, well balanced relationships, is if both parties have strong enough personalities that they won't allow themselves to be controlled. Of course, it's also possible that some people are truly evolved enough to have no desire to control their mate, no matter how submissive that mate might act. But I truly believe those people are few and far between, gender notwithstanding.