Study finds men more hurt by stressful relationships than women.

[sbat]

I was unsure if you were responding to my post or the OP here but I thought that you might be responding to me. If you are, I am unsure of what you mean. There is no such thing as a relationship without arguments...

Stop right there.

Here's what I said

"My own parents always handled conflicts between the two of them (at least in front of the kids) as mature adults."

Meaning the way I handle conflicts (arguments, if you will) is modeled on the way my parents did - which was search for consensus without emotional drama, and above all with mutual respect.

I have had one relationship that had no arguments - but that one had little emotional investment from either - we mutually admired each other mentally and physically, and we both spent more time pursuing future careers than with each other. We were each in love with the idea of the other, and the breakup was quite painless.

In any case, How is Dr. Glass' personal life? Married, divorced, what?

 

[D_Harvey Schmeckel]

The most stressful thing that can happen in a relationship is to be parted by death. I recall statistics showing that widowers are much more devastated by bereavement than widows, have a harder time adjusting afterwards. (Quick google search failed to find the study, sorry no link.) This suggests that they are more dependent on their wives than vice-versa in important ways. (The cynical might say it's practical ways like dishwashing but the research cited in the OP suggests it's deeper than that.) I think men expect to die first and don't give as much forethought to the possibility of going on alone; they also have weaker support networks in many cases.

 

[petite]

Stop right there.

Here's what I said

"My own parents always handled conflicts between the two of them (at least in front of the kids) as mature adults."

Meaning the way I handle conflicts (arguments, if you will) is modeled on the way my parents did - which was search for consensus without emotional drama, and above all with mutual respect.

I have had one relationship that had no arguments - but that one had little emotional investment from either - we mutually admired each other mentally and physically, and we both spent more time pursuing future careers than with each other. We were each in love with the idea of the other, and the breakup was quite painless.

In any case, How is Dr. Glass' personal life? Married, divorced, what?

People do learn how to handle conflict from their parents, however you can learn the right skills as an adult if you learned how to do it the wrong way from your family. There are notable differences in the way that men and women communicate, including how they respond during an argument. For example, Dr. Gottman points out that they don't have to teach women how to "accept influence" because women automatically do that. It's a skill that they have to teach men. With women, they have to teach them when to back off of an argument and recognize when what she says is stressing her partner out, because men become more easily overwhelmed than women do.

I can tell that you aren't going to listen to the radio program, but you really should. Even if you don't need it yourself because you have no relationship problems, I bet you know at least three dozen people who would be helped by listening to it.

This free radio show is probably the best way to learn about Dr. Gottman's work, since it includes an interview with Dr. Gottman and clips of them discussing couples arguing. It's the first story just after the intro. Just click "STREAM EPISODE" to listen to it for free.

The Sanctity of Marriage | This American Life

ACT ONE. WHAT REALLY HAPPENS IN MARRIAGE.
Ira visits marital researcher John Gottman, who's part of a generation of researchers that have revolutionized the way we see marriage by observing successful and unsuccessful marriages and trying to figure out what the successful happy ones are doing that the ones who end up in divorce are not.


You meant Dr. John Gottman. Ira Glass is the brilliant host of the absolutely incredible NPR radio show This American Life. Ira Glass is happily married. Dr. John Gottman works with his wife Dr. Julie Gottman at The Gottman Relationship Institute that they co-founded. They are also happily married.

 

[HiddenLacey]

The most stressful thing that can happen in a relationship is to be parted by death. I recall statistics showing that widowers are much more devastated by bereavement than widows, have a harder time adjusting afterwards. (Quick google search failed to find the study, sorry no link.) This suggests that they are more dependent on their wives than vice-versa in important ways. (The cynical might say it's practical ways like dishwashing but the research cited in the OP suggests it's deeper than that.) I think men expect to die first and don't give as much forethought to the possibility of going on alone; they also have weaker support networks in many cases.

I know it's a made up story, but I read this "romance" book by nicholas sparks called "The Choice" and the way he portrayed the main characters feelings about his wife and the choice to take her off life support was very touching.

I know it's smushy and not quiet the same thing. But this is the first thing that came to mind when you said this. I do think men suffer greatly when their partners are taken from them by death. It's a tradegy and sometimes I do think women are stronger with loss than men are.

 

[alwaysguessing]

My grandfather wanted to kill himself when his wife died. I think that would have been fine, but everyone else talked him out of it and threatened to take his guns away. Instead, he was miserable for two years, got cancer, suffered immensely, and then died anyway.

 

[HiddenLacey]

UGH! When my grandma died my grandfather wanted me to sing at her funeral. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do was look out at him while singing "if you came back from heaven."

That was one of the few moments in time I can recall a man breaking down. He died a few years later as well. I think the depth of emotion tying the man to his partner male or female is what causes them to grieve so harshly. Especially older couples who actually stayed together for an entire lifetime. My earlier post was wrong men can definitely show emotions, including sadness. I still think it's rare, but when it happens it seems to be under devastating circumstances.

 

[alwaysguessing]

My grandfather was inconsolable during the wake and funeral. Whenever he saw her body, he lost all control of his senses and fell to the ground, crying and wailing hysterically. I never want to see that again. It was sickening.

He was a marine too. And those guys are trained to act like robots in every situation.

 

[HiddenLacey]

Mine was Army, so I'm right there with you. You look at a man that's larger than life breaking down and it kind of feels like the world is coming down around you.

 

[nicenycdick]

My father never recovered from the loss of my mother...

 

[alwaysguessing]

I decided that I never want that to happen to me.

 

[HiddenLacey]

I decided that I never want that to happen to me.

None of us want things like that to happen to us. But make sure you don't protect yourself so much that you miss out.

 

[D_Harvey Schmeckel]

Before we start feeling too sorry for widowers, we should recall that their odds of remarriage are a lot better than those of widows, and a second marriage can bring them back to life to a remarkable degree. But they just don't seem to go on alone nearly as well as widows.

 

[Meniscus]

My grandfather was inconsolable during the wake and funeral. Whenever he saw her body, he lost all control of his senses and fell to the ground, crying and wailing hysterically. I never want to see that again. It was sickening.

He was a marine too. And those guys are trained to act like robots in every situation.

Mine was Army, so I'm right there with you. You look at a man that's larger than life breaking down and it kind of feels like the world is coming down around you.

I decided that I never want that to happen to me.

As painful and awkward and uncomfortable as such moments are, I've always thought there was something beautiful about such profound outpourings of grief.

A few years ago, I heard a story about the funeral of an older woman who was much loved by her family and friends. From what I was told, she truly was a special lady, who had a positive impact on a lot of lives. Well, one guy got up to speak and began with "I'm not here to comfort you, I'm here to hurt you." Then he gave a beautiful speech about how special this woman was and how much she meant to everyone, bringing it home that she was really gone so that everyone would have to confront the depth of their loss and realize how much it hurt. I'm told that when he was done, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Later, people were telling him things like "I was doing OK until you spoke" or "I managed not to cry until now"--but they weren't saying what he did was bad, rather they were thanking him for getting them to confront their grief and to let it out. In a sense, he gave everyone permission to stop being stoic and pretending that they were OK, when they really weren't. Being able to confront and share their grief turned out to be what everyone really needed.

Totally off-topic, but I can't listen to Kate Bush's song "This Woman's Work" without crying.

 

[anoushka]

Totally off-topic, but I can't listen to Kate Bush's song "This Woman's Work" without crying.

Me either. Just reading you post that and then hearing it in my head led to me have watery eyelids. :redface: