Submissive training

[Knightster]

I have a partner who has been always a bit submissive, which I like. He has, however, expressed a real desire to take it to a new level, I've seen many "sub/dom" vids, but really would appreciate some real advice on how to proceed so I can maximize the experience for both of us without ruining what we have. Thanks.

 

[malakos]

If you don't have safewords/safegestures, that's the first thing I would recommend establishing before moving beyond mild BDSM. Red and yellow (and green if you like) is a very effective standard system. You'll have to come up with certain gestures if you have scenes where he can't verbalize.

 

[rjmoody]

What level are you at now?

 

[Knightster]

Thanks for the replies. We do have safe words, but he has only used yellow. I haven't push too far, but I know he wants more, although he does not like being called by "negative" terms. As to a level, just mild stuff - light spanking, direct orders to kneel, crawl, as well as, his assuming submissive positions, & giving instructions for his "prep" activities for the week and what to wear under his clothes.

 

[keenobserver]

My ex and I moved into sub training slowly. One of the first things we did was chastity devices, that generally he only wore when home or off duty from work. The value there was the sub learns he needs permission to handle his most private parts - and that permission can be withheld unless it is earned. Another aspect was controlling his clothing when home in non-sexual situations. Usually he was required to wear a longer tee-shirt and nothing else. It made him feel somewhat exposed while he would be doing household chores or even working at his desk. We never carried it off with other visitors - it was only between us.

When we were in role playing he always had to be ready to submit to anything. While it was important that he be satisfied with the experience he always knew his gratification was out of his ability to control. That added a sense of urgency for him that heightened everything. We used restraints - he had access to genuine police issue handcuffs and shackles, as well as the usual sex toy collection.

Our goal was always to expand limits - mine as well as his. A conversation laying out individual as well as couple goals is very helpful. Too often subs just expect a top to handle everything and the magic will somehow appear, That is a risk that often fails. The conversation is like a road map - it gives you an idea of what everyone wants AND it can be altered as the situation warrants.

Listen to each other and don't be afraid to look around the internet or forums like this for ideas. The challenge for me getting started was learning how to assume the dom role and being open to growing with it and expanding the horizon. It is awful easy to get in a rut and suddenly find you are boring each other. Don't be afraid to mix it up within you mutual agreed upon boundaries. Remember, the goal is to push boundaries, not shatter them to pieces. It is important to maintain trust.

 

[Knightster]

Thanks. Your comments are really appreciated. It is a bit tricky to keep it real and moving forward, while not as you said, "scatter things to pieces."

 

[malakos]

My ex and I moved into sub training slowly. One of the first things we did was chastity devices, that generally he only wore when home or off duty from work. The value there was the sub learns he needs permission to handle his most private parts - and that permission can be withheld unless it is earned. Another aspect was controlling his clothing when home in non-sexual situations. Usually he was required to wear a longer tee-shirt and nothing else. It made him feel somewhat exposed while he would be doing household chores or even working at his desk. We never carried it off with other visitors - it was only between us.

When we were in role playing he always had to be ready to submit to anything. While it was important that he be satisfied with the experience he always knew his gratification was out of his ability to control. That added a sense of urgency for him that heightened everything. We used restraints - he had access to genuine police issue handcuffs and shackles, as well as the usual sex toy collection.

Our goal was always to expand limits - mine as well as his. A conversation laying out individual as well as couple goals is very helpful. Too often subs just expect a top to handle everything and the magic will somehow appear, That is a risk that often fails. The conversation is like a road map - it gives you an idea of what everyone wants AND it can be altered as the situation warrants.

Listen to each other and don't be afraid to look around the internet or forums like this for ideas. The challenge for me getting started was learning how to assume the dom role and being open to growing with it and expanding the horizon. It is awful easy to get in a rut and suddenly find you are boring each other. Don't be afraid to mix it up within you mutual agreed upon boundaries. Remember, the goal is to push boundaries, not shatter them to pieces. It is important to maintain trust.

You sound like a great Dom. I got excited reading that.

 

[malakos]

Another recommendation I would give, and this is not actually something that I have tried myself yet, but I think it's a good idea, would be to do a checklist. A checklist is a common practice in BDSM. It's often in list form but I could see it working really well as a graph. Basically the pair (or perhaps group) of partners in a kink dynamic come up with an exhaustive list of all activities they can of coming up as potentials and rate their feelings about them and their limits with respect to them. Examples of ratings could be "I'm so into this it's necessary", "I love this let's do it a lot", "pretty cool", "meh", "I'll do it but I'm not keen", "soft limit" (meaning negotiation is necessary to proceed), "hard limit" (off limits, not negotiable).

 

[Exbiker]

Nipple clamps / they come in diffferent degrees of harshness so you can work your way up. I have full surgical clamps.

Straps, canes and whips. Start light, on butt. Work up to heavier thrashing, including back and shoulders. One or two whips across the back will tell you if he's really into that ...

Breath control - muzzles, or rubber hoods with air hole covered by a finger. This MUST always be supervised.

Hot wax dripped on skin. Use plain white not coloured wax and drop from 18 inches or more. And don't overdo it.

Electro kit. Various models. Purple wand is the most dramatic. Careful around chest area with that ...

Make him take a big butt plug. Make him kneel with it in, whilst he sucks your cock.

Always remember it's play. The rituals and words can be magical, dark, erotic. But it's just play.

Enjoy

 

[Knightster]

The information/suggestions are great. Sounds like we will need to expand our "toys." Any thoughts on the mental aspects of increasing his submissiveness?

 

[Exbiker]

The information/suggestions are great. Sounds like we will need to expand our "toys." Any thoughts on the mental aspects of increasing his submissiveness?

- get him to call you Sir or Master maybe other things. Occasionally mine call me 'my Lord' ...
- most people only do that during a scene, but some play with doing it at other times, or even with some other people ...
- the collar is a key symbol - it can help a sub feel submissive
- handcuffs ditto
- kneeling is a key thing
- also sometimes make him prostrate himself before you
- a "fuck position" with him on his knees, head down and ass up
- accepting pain from you naturally increases submission. Clarify different types - e.g. "Because you need to be punished / corrected for X", "Because it's time, in your slave development plan", "because I feel like it, boy" ...
- think about a short written contract clarifying the rules of engagement
- get him to bow his head to you, either when standing or kneeling
- clarify how he should respond to orders ; for me that's basically
(i) acknowledge the order / show you have heard it
(ii) begin to follow it - do as you've been told
(iii) do it well, like you are enjoying it, even if it's difficult ...
BUT I also have ways to ensure they can clarify or withdraw the terms of their consent at any point - for me, I make sure I can't accidentally make them do something they really don't want to [ may sound paradoxical, but in fact I'm a kind, law abiding adult ] ...
- another thing might be eg visiting a fetish shop / adult bookstore etc together. Maybe he might be in some gear or visibly collared, but that's not critical. Choosing items together. Maybe he kneels, and you hold a big hollow strap on dildo at your crotch, imagining how it will look and feel going into his mouth ...

... the feelings of submission will grow. And so will the natural pace of your dominance ...

...
Hope that is a start point for you!

Think through your key points and adapt from there.

 

[Knightster]

Wow. Excellent advice and most appreciated. You hit on some things that I think will help move us forward, especially the emphasis on bowing, kneeling, and assuming a receptive position. It is really important to me that his feelings of/for submission grow. If anyone else has any other specific suggestions or experiences, please share. They would be most welcomed.

 

[Knightster]

I tried several of the suggestions. The focus on kneeling, eye placement, and acknowledging each order have been very effective. Placing him over my lap while spanking (i.e. body to body contact) made a huge difference for both of us. I really want to use a bit larger butt plug on him (not huge), but he is restraint as he his to shaving rather than trimming more of his body hair, which are real turn ons for me. Any suggestions for moving forward from here?

 

[malakos]

I really want to use a bit larger butt plug on him (not huge), but he is restraint as he his to shaving rather than trimming more of his body hair, which are real turn ons for me. Any suggestions for moving forward from here?

Could you rephrase? I'm trying to understand but having a hard time.