Jason, that was gorgeous. (My 2 cats have been my rock more times than I can count.)
I'm glad the meds are stopping you from feeling sad. What happens when something bad happens in your life? Do you just up the dosage? And what about feelings in general? Are they all dimmed down or just the sad ones? Does your body develop a resistance to the drugs over time? coz drugs tend to do that.
All excellent questions. The meds aren't stopping me from feeling sad though. They help with some of the symptoms of depression but when the episodes strike, the meds don't automatically stop the sad from creeping in.
The only answer I have is this: It's an ongoing process.
I've done several different things, tried several different meds. I'm queen of the
"It works, and then it stops working entirely and I don't realise it until it's too late and I'm back to wanting to disappear" resistance. I don't like feeling like a zombie either. It's a fine line to walk--do I want to feel nothing at all or do I want to feel like complete and utter shit when the downward spiral starts spinning again? Prozac made it so that I felt nothing. You could have set me on fire or told me I won the lottery and my reaction would have been the same: a blank stare.
After going on and off different things, I finally found Effexor and thus far, that's the one that is making the biggest difference for the longest amount of time. However, I resisted having to take drugs at all for a very long time. And then I'd go through little resistant spurts again in between switching drugs. It's exhausting being a human science fair project. Effexor is a mamajama as far as antiDs go but I got to the point where I needed the dual-uptakes over the SSRIs. The upside is that it works for me right now. The downside is that the detox is a fucking bitch. And not just coming off the drug altogether (which I've not done since starting it), missing a dose will throw my body into a state of "wtf?!" Thusly, I'm pretty careful about making sure I get those little pills in my mouth at night.
I've upped my dose here and there when it's been necessary. I've also weaned back down when I felt it was alright as well. My doc is really awesome and listens to me and what I ultimately want and will work with me accordingly. It's not just a matter of drugging myself out of the darkest periods. That's just impossible. The darkness will always find a way in--even now, it can. I'm just far better at recognising the early signs and taking appropriate measures before things get too out of hand.
Additionally, I have an awesome therapist that I see weekly. She's seen me through many difficult times in my life, including my struggle with admitting the depression is bigger than I can handle alone and that drugs were a necessary course of action. I really think that antiDs should be used in conjunction with regular therapy sessions but it's very difficult to find a good therapist out there. This one is my fifth and I've already told her she's not ever allowed to retire unless there's a padded room in her retirement house for me.
When the darkness creeps in, I know earlier now. I let my therapist know and we up my sessions if it's necessary. I will up my meds if necessary as well, but I tend to turn more towards the talk-therapy over the drugs now that I know I've got a drug that works. Upping the dosage on Effexor always puts me through another science fair project period. It's easier to keep status quo if it's possible and just talk it out with the therapist.
It's just an ongoing process for me and I take things as they come. That was also a learning process. I'd love to be able to simply take a pill and be okay forever and ever amen, but that's just not how it works for me. Figuring
that out has helped more than just about anything else.