Super into gf, i have an issue with physical attraction towards her.

Doranq

Legendary Member
Joined
May 22, 2012
Posts
1,306
Media
0
Likes
1,149
Points
148
I am finally in my first relationship with my girlfriend.

For a summary of how are relationship is.

It’s a long distance relationship. We have yet to make physical contact but hope to around fall. We don’t live terribly far apart, but far enough.

She’s quite frankly everything I want. Lol yesterday I even spent 15 straight hrs talking to her with no stop, and i’ve Had plenty of other times where I’ve talked to her for hours upon hours. Interacting with her is perhaps the greatest joy I’ve had.

She’s shockingly similar to me in her likes, interests, beliefs, morals, dealings with mental illness, etc. I can be open about her with anything and she has come to know all my secrets and not only accepted them but likes a great deal of them, visa versa. She also has a compatible sex drive/sexual interests with mine, which for ref mine is very abnormally high. I actively find myself falling for her super hard and fast. I feel like all my hopes and prayers while single my whole life about having a killer gf has been answered in full. Being around her is the best and when around her I want the best for her/to do better and be better for her. I care a lot about her. I could very easily write many paragraphs of what I like about her and how much compatibility we have but basically the level is fucking astonishing. She’s the best thing to come into my life by a looooooong shot and outside of silly things like ‘is a billionaire’ ‘is a celebrity’ or something like that, I really couldn’t ask for more as she has checked all the boxes across the board. (Which I look at when I’m not riding cloud9 so I can have a less emotionally clouded look) The feelings are fully reciprocated.

_____________________________________________________________________


This brings me to my only issue and it eats me. I’m not feeling quite as hot on the physical attraction aspect and it is tearing me up inside because and makes me feel like a scumbag as it betrays my feelings for her. (I’d never bring it up or even hint at it and i’ve gone to great lengths and with great success to ensure she feels great about herself and quite beautiful, as this is a huge insecurity for her which i’m trying to help her vanquish it) Additionally she’s 34 and I’m 26. Both soon to turn the next year. She’s quite a bit overweight. Which in of itself isn’t a bad thing as it’s case by case basis. However I find myself not very strongly attracted to her except I do find sometimes she looks quite cute/sexy in the face and from the chest up she’s quite attractive.

However the thing is, (unrelated to me) she is super determined to lose the weight and get healthier and become attractive. Which I support as that’s something she wants to do, she should do it for herself.

Part of me hopes that when she does do this, that she will become much more attractive to me and the other part absolutely dreads that she won’t and the thought kills me as I have very strong feelings for her and I abhor myself that ‘this’ attraction could stand in the way of my attraction to her. She’s really special to me and I look forward to and thoroughly enjoy being with her.

I don’t want to string her along and at the same time I don’t want to leave an amazing woman over something that might not be an issue in the future.

I’m aware that attraction/lack of doesn’t make me bad, but knowing that logically doesn’t make me feel any less of.a PoS.




I’m more interested in those that have been a situation like mine and how did you proceed and how did it end up. Did it go well, did it end poorly, etc. Also the age difference has crossed my mind only because I have a small worry of remaining attracted to her. I’ve never been in a relationship before, so maybe I will not notice but maybe I will, I don’t have a point of reference and I seek out those who also have exp with either an age gap or just aging in general with their partner.
 

Allmight247

Admired Member
Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Posts
373
Media
0
Likes
909
Points
163
Location
Houston City (Texas, United States)
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
Personally think physical attraction is a very important part of relationship. Technically your lying to her in attempt to boost herself esteeem maybe to avoid coming to terms that she isn’t physically going to satisfy you. Which brings me to my point: no one is perfect and even if she was hot there’d be something you wouldn’t like maybe sexually, or emotionally. Maybe your not 100% physically attracted to her but that can change? Encourage her to work out, or Idk accept her flaws
 
  • Like
Reactions: Mr BB and Doranq

Nosuportneeded

Superior Member
Joined
Jul 2, 2014
Posts
3,129
Media
26
Likes
5,178
Points
158
Location
West Virginia, USA
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
If it’s enough to post about, it’s an issue

If it’s important to you, then it is. Can’t really get around that. Early in the ‘ship. These feelings are only growing to grow

I’m not saying that you should tell her that you are not physically attracted to her, but I am saying that there is a flag in this relationship that needs to be dealt with

It’s ok, to not think she is physically perfect. It’s not ok to not be physically attracted. How much is enough? Many answers there, none that satisfy
 

Gj816

Mythical Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Feb 13, 2017
Posts
7,278
Media
86
Likes
26,395
Points
333
Location
Nashville (Tennessee, United States)
Verification
View
Sexuality
90% Straight, 10% Gay
Gender
Male
I am finally in my first relationship with my girlfriend.

For a summary of how are relationship is.

It’s a long distance relationship. We have yet to make physical contact but hope to around fall. We don’t live terribly far apart, but far enough.

She’s quite frankly everything I want. Lol yesterday I even spent 15 straight hrs talking to her with no stop, and i’ve Had plenty of other times where I’ve talked to her for hours upon hours. Interacting with her is perhaps the greatest joy I’ve had.

She’s shockingly similar to me in her likes, interests, beliefs, morals, dealings with mental illness, etc. I can be open about her with anything and she has come to know all my secrets and not only accepted them but likes a great deal of them, visa versa. She also has a compatible sex drive/sexual interests with mine, which for ref mine is very abnormally high. I actively find myself falling for her super hard and fast. I feel like all my hopes and prayers while single my whole life about having a killer gf has been answered in full. Being around her is the best and when around her I want the best for her/to do better and be better for her. I care a lot about her. I could very easily write many paragraphs of what I like about her and how much compatibility we have but basically the level is fucking astonishing. She’s the best thing to come into my life by a looooooong shot and outside of silly things like ‘is a billionaire’ ‘is a celebrity’ or something like that, I really couldn’t ask for more as she has checked all the boxes across the board. (Which I look at when I’m not riding cloud9 so I can have a less emotionally clouded look) The feelings are fully reciprocated.

_____________________________________________________________________


This brings me to my only issue and it eats me. I’m not feeling quite as hot on the physical attraction aspect and it is tearing me up inside because and makes me feel like a scumbag as it betrays my feelings for her. (I’d never bring it up or even hint at it and i’ve gone to great lengths and with great success to ensure she feels great about herself and quite beautiful, as this is a huge insecurity for her which i’m trying to help her vanquish it) Additionally she’s 34 and I’m 26. Both soon to turn the next year. She’s quite a bit overweight. Which in of itself isn’t a bad thing as it’s case by case basis. However I find myself not very strongly attracted to her except I do find sometimes she looks quite cute/sexy in the face and from the chest up she’s quite attractive.

However the thing is, (unrelated to me) she is super determined to lose the weight and get healthier and become attractive. Which I support as that’s something she wants to do, she should do it for herself.

Part of me hopes that when she does do this, that she will become much more attractive to me and the other part absolutely dreads that she won’t and the thought kills me as I have very strong feelings for her and I abhor myself that ‘this’ attraction could stand in the way of my attraction to her. She’s really special to me and I look forward to and thoroughly enjoy being with her.

I don’t want to string her along and at the same time I don’t want to leave an amazing woman over something that might not be an issue in the future.

I’m aware that attraction/lack of doesn’t make me bad, but knowing that logically doesn’t make me feel any less of.a PoS.




I’m more interested in those that have been a situation like mine and how did you proceed and how did it end up. Did it go well, did it end poorly, etc. Also the age difference has crossed my mind only because I have a small worry of remaining attracted to her. I’ve never been in a relationship before, so maybe I will not notice but maybe I will, I don’t have a point of reference and I seek out those who also have exp with either an age gap or just aging in general with their partner.


Given the fact that you have these questions now and this is a long distance relationship. You have too ask yourself why you are attracted to her emotionally but not physically? In 20 yrs when she's 54 and you're 46 are you still not going to be attracted to her?

There has to be some physical attraction between you and the woman you are going to settle down with. That's only human nature.

If you are not physically attracted to her only because she's overweight then that is fairly shallow. If on the other hand you are not physically attracted to her because deep down you know she's really not mate material. She is buddy material.

Deep down your gut is telling you one thing and your heart is telling you something else. There is an eight year age gap between the two of you. In 20, 25 yrs that's going to make a huge difference.

Be honest with yourself and with her. If she's the girl of your dreams. What she looks like physically would not be that important. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The fact that her weight is an issue speaks volumes. But we're men we get off on visuals.

While no one can make this decision for you. You should be prepared to step out of the equation and look at it from the perspective of future wife. Is she really what you want in a wife? Will it last with such an age gap? Will she always be overweight?

Only you my friend, can answer your own questions regarding this relationship and whether or not you can be truly happy years down the road. If you can't. Keep her as a friend. Remember to be gentle, kind and compassionate. And be prepared if she doesn't want to remain friends.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Doranq and insert_8

stustu

Legendary Member
Joined
Nov 2, 2008
Posts
1,116
Media
0
Likes
1,722
Points
268
Location
Florida (United States)
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
Physical attraction is usually the first thing we notice about our spouses. Their figure, their hair, a smile.
This is the most common. But today, people meet partners on line and things are sort of different.
When I met my partner he weighed 150 lbs. Twenty years later he is 220. He struggles with his weight
and has gained and lost 45 lbs a hundred times. I am still attracted to him like the first day.
We're working on better choices of food, fitness, lifestyle. My weight hasn't fluctuated much in 20 years.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Doranq

Tight_N_Juicy

Mythical Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Oct 14, 2012
Posts
18,266
Media
138
Likes
63,597
Points
508
Location
U.S.A.
Verification
View
Sexuality
Pansexual
Gender
Female
I have casually dated and had great sex with people I didn't find physically attractive at all. I still would up seeing them because of how attractive they were in every other aspect a person can be.

None of these relationships were serious, but the reasoning wasn't anything to do with my lack of physical attraction to them, it just has to do with various circumstances.

I don't really have any advice, just wanted to share that with you for the sake of whatever it may offer, if anything.
 

insert_8

Legendary Member
Joined
Feb 12, 2011
Posts
753
Media
5
Likes
1,585
Points
188
Age
72
Location
St Louis (Missouri, United States)
Sexuality
90% Straight, 10% Gay
Gender
Male
I am finally in my first relationship with my girlfriend.

For a summary of how are relationship is.

It’s a long distance relationship. We have yet to make physical contact . . . .
By saying "not physically attracted", do you mean that she doesn't fit your idea of what a beautiful woman should look like, or do you mean that you can't imagine being sexually satisfied by her?

There is a physical dimension to every relationship, as well as a mental dimension and an emotional dimension. The relative importance of each of these three varies from couple to couple. The relationship can be successful and satisfying even if one of those dimensions is far from ideal, but the relationship will be unhappy, unsatisfying, and headed for breakup if one of those dimensions is truly unsatisfactory.

As others have said, the fact that this bothers you indicates that it requires some serious attention. There is an old, off-color, joke about how " 'Beauty' is only skin deep, but 'ugly' goes clear to the bone.". It's crude but rather insightful: if there is something about her that you find truly distasteful, it can warp and distort your perception of all her other characteristics.

Try to avoid rushing to judgement until you have met in person and spent time together. You may (or may not) discover that she is more attractive than you think. A woman who is "long, lean, and luscious" to one guy may be a "skinny broad with no boobs" to the guy standing beside him. Social conditioning plays a larger part in our standards of "attractiveness" than we like to admit, and doesn't always agree with what we honestly believe.

And I don't mean you should spend time in bed together. In spite of your "abnormally high" sex drives, adding sex at this point will only complicate things. Sex will cover over, or camouflage, important long-term factors in your relationship but they will still be there, unresolved, and appear at inopportune times in the future. If you are a virgin at 26 it won't hurt you to wait a while longer to learn all the details of sexually pleasing the one woman who will be your life partner. If you are sexually experienced you will likely have to un-learn a few things left from previous partners, and you don't need that task stealing your attention from more important matters.

The age gap is definitely something that needs to be considered but I don't think it is automatically a huge problem. Eight years between 26 and 34 is not as significant as eight years between, say, 18 and 26. My in-laws had a lifetime marriage of over 60 years with a 6-year age difference. I have known couples with stable, decades-long marriages despite gaps as much as 15 years.

I'm more concerned that, at 26, you have never experienced a relationship. You two need to discuss this. What do you expect to come from this relationship? Why is it happening between you two, and at this time, but hasn't happened before? Are your expectations for a relationship realistic, or romantic fantasies? Have you seen practical examples of fulfilling relationships?

Along a similar line, how long have you been conducting this long-distance relationship? How did it start, and who initiated it? Is there a trustworthy person who can vouch for the credibility and integrity of you two? (It is unfortunate, but true, that some on-line or other long-distance relationships turn out to be fraudulent scams.)

You should be wondering about my credentials and qualifications for answering your post. At 22 I had spent four years at university without dating, much less anything like a girlfriend. I was frustrated, discouraged, and convinced that girls avoided me like the plague. Some (much) older and wiser family friends arranged for me to exchange contact information with a young lady of their acquaintance. We wrote to each other - sight unseen - for 3-1/2 months before we met in person. No, we weren't each other's ideal fantasy partner but we worked at becoming fulfilling and satisfying life partners. We did much of our dating as house-guests of each other's families, which was a very effective way to become personally acquainted at a deep level. A year after our first meeting we married, and expect to celebrate our 45th anniversary next summer.
 

insert_8

Legendary Member
Joined
Feb 12, 2011
Posts
753
Media
5
Likes
1,585
Points
188
Age
72
Location
St Louis (Missouri, United States)
Sexuality
90% Straight, 10% Gay
Gender
Male
. . . interested in those that have been a situation like mine and how did you proceed and how did it end up. Did it go well, did it end poorly, etc. Also the age difference has crossed my mind only because I have a small worry of remaining attracted to her. I’ve never been in a relationship before, so maybe I will not notice but maybe I will, I don’t have a point of reference and I seek out those who also have exp with either an age gap or just aging in general with their partner.
It may be worthwhile to consider my post Question only for men who've been married for a long time , and others in that thread " Question only for men who've been married for a long time "
 
  • Like
Reactions: Doranq
1

1342602

Guest
My partner could wear a bin bag and id still be physically attracted to her. We agree on the important things and we like to exercise together. ( which is great when you're both physically attracted ),we make a pretty awsome team together :) these are the most important things to me. I think its healthy to have different interests and debate opinions. Ive been with people with lots in common but no physical attraction it wasnt enough for me. But everyone is different hope it works out for you :)