Support After Assault

Sagittarius84

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So...especially since having children, I've picked up a penchant for clairvoyance...not in the mystical magical sense, just a more accurate foresight based upon past events and probable future consequences..much to the chagrin of my wife, said clairvoyance spills over into my interactions with her, where I can predict her behavior, or her probable consequences to a fairly accurate degree...and unfortunately for her one of my more chilling predictions came true about 3hrs ago, when after having trouble getting in touch with her, I finally get her on the phone and find out she had just been raped...

My wife often goes out with her best friend friday nights..a little drinking some dumb dancing, a drunken stop by Taco Bell on the way home, relatively routine stuff.. The problem is usually at some point in the night alcohol would take control and two things would happen, best friend gets flighty and leaves with some guy, my wife gets mad she was left and hangs out alone until someone she knows comes along and she hangs out with them...Now usually in any club or bar going friend group, im the responsible one, the chaperone if you will. I keep up with everybody , make sure no one is too intoxicated, and ensure that whomever we came with is properly accounted for when we leave. Rule one when doing this is never leave anyone, especially a woman, drunk and alone. Now I knew what typically happened between my wife and friend while they were out, because they typically communicated through our group chat, and between the texts they'd send each other once they got separated, and the subsequent argument at home it was pretty easy to tell what was going on...More than once, after she had sobered up I sat my wife down and implored to change up her strategy if she was going to go out...I understood why she would have her feelings hurt at her drunk friend leaving her, but I warned her that her tendency to isolate herself out of anger and spite does not work with drunkenness and predatory men in the real world...when we 1st moved here she had a fight with her sister that motivated her to drunkenly leave the bar and get so lost she had to knock on a stranger's door to call the police, the lesson of which got lost because she and her sister had a somewhat unrelated fistfight almost immediately after my wife was brought home. I distinctly remember telling her, if she continues walks off like that, she is bound to be hurt, killed, raped or kidnapped..that she needs to either get over her drunken feelings and stick to the buddy system, or call me and I will come to get her no matter what...which went over as exactly successful as you would imagine a man telling a woman what she should or should not be doing would go...
So exactly what I predicted came to pass, she and friend went out, after they got inebriated they got separated, or the friend dipped out, doesnt really matter...I picked on this early as the friend was looking for my wife on the group chat. I checked my wifes direct messenger and saw she was on a call, so I chastised her a bit for at least not letting me know directly she was ok when she decided to punitively ghost her friend...apparently my wife drunkenly decided, fuck her, and proceeded out side to smoke a cigarette...now knowing my wifes drunken petty nature Im fairly confident she didnt just go outside to smoke, she did so in a manner that if her friend popped out her head to look for her, she wouldn't be able to see her, so wife leaves the safety of multiple people outside the establishment smoking, and once alone, some dude decided to drag in her into a nearby alley and rape her...
I hear this, immediately leave work and go to her because she's talking to the police...but because she's drunk and emotional as well as cops are typically shitry and power obsessed, it turns into a situation where she's getting the impression they dont believe her and not much cooperation can be garnered from a vitim who feels shes not believed. So I pick her up as shes walking home..she wanted to drop it because she didnt like how the police were treating her, I noticed right away that asking questions about the incident wouldn't really get any answer but just an angry diatribe about how shitty the previous person was...I damn near had to force her to go to the hospital as Ive watched enough SVU to know a rape kit was necessary..once there I realized partway why her interaction went so badly with the police; that while making the report she asserted she wanted to go to the hospital for the exam..our particular region has an off site location for the drs and nurses that handle examinations after sexual assault, the cop referred to it as "Women's Center", which is often a euphemism for those low key anti abortion spots, at best confusing to an intoxicated and emotionally upset person. Luckily I was able to convince her to at least go to the emergency room; again Im thinking at least some sort of antibiotic is needed, not to mention establishing a valid paper trail to accompany whatever lackluster report the cops did. The drs clarified the Womens Center and went and called ahead so that theyd be expecting us...i brought her home on the way so she could get a cigarette..she promptly stripped and passed out in bed..where she now snores...
I called the Women's Center...they told me I did the right thing, by not forcing her there and that we could get an exam done within 120hrs of the assault...


But I'm lost...like I know alcohol intoxication can generate some odd behaviors, but as I rushed to her side and took the proactive route in calling the police to ensure a proper report was filed(as she cursed at them in the background), chastised the particular officer she dealt with for being dismissive of the understandable rantings and actions of a drunk woman aware shes just been raped, took her to the ER, spoke to the Women's Center to set up her exam, she insists that no one cares..that all this is okaying what happened to her...what really agitated me was the notion that I was only interested in an exam so that I wouldn't catch anything the next time we had sex...
Like I intelligently know it's all too common for victims to lash out..but her words are sticking with me, to the point Im taking them at face value, as if that's her true feelings...

Do I just persevere and withstand whatever emotional onslaught this event has triggered, or what? And now that she's mentioned it what does it mean if I have a reluctance to get sexual with her from henceforth?
 

rtg

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I’m so sorry to hear that this happened to your wife. I’m going to give you some very honest thoughts here...

Your words almost sound as though you think your wife brought it on herself by leaving her friend. You need to cut these thoughts out. She should be able to go outside and smoke by herself if she chooses to. A very unfortunate consequence of that was that there was a creep and predator who took advantage of that. She did nothing wrong.

She is going through trauma right now. Unless you have experienced that then you cannot understand. And still, everyone deals with trauma differently.

Don’t take her words to you to heart or at face value. That is her trauma speaking. Things may get worse in terms of things that she says to you. You need to be empathetic and understanding and give her time. I recommend that you also seek some counselling to try to learn how to deal with what may come and how to support her.
 

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The friend left her, so I couldn't possibly blame her for that...but just because we arent supposed to be hunted nor eaten doesn't preclude what happens when we decide to step into a lions cage.
Im trying with every fiber of my being to stop from being Mr. I Told You So...but I did, and have, repeatedly...so going from a construct to where she simply disregards my advice, to one where her actions and words are antithetical to getting any sort of justice, or at the very least some measure of self preservation is really difficult...
 
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There is so much going on here, it’s hard to make sense of what you’re trying to translate. Your actual question seems rather arbitrary in the great scheme things. I’m assuming you haven’t slept - you’re probably still in shock/anger has set in etc. I don’t know; I’m not a trauma specialist but I think you would do well to start by contacting a rape counsel service - I’m sure there will be something in your area, and ask to speak with someone who deals with this every day and understands the complexities involved.

What I will say, in the kindest possible way is this: try not to make this about you. Yes, you have been impacted and it’s seems that there’s a kind of co dependant situation going on with your wife (and probably has been for some time) and you would do well to get some help with that, but try to separate the events of last night and your wife’s behaviour from how you’re feeling, right now. It’s fine to be angry/upset/resentful/afraid etc. but this isn’t the time to vent those things to her. Just do what you’re doing: speak with professionals, have her treated (regardless of how she feels about it right now etc.) and then once she’s medically OK, you would do well to seek help in unpicking this mess. Because the drinking is clearly chaotic and harmful and fucking messy. And seek out information on how to survive a co dependant relationship. Good luck.
 

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The friend left her, so I couldn't possibly blame her for that...but just because we arent supposed to be hunted nor eaten doesn't preclude what happens when we decide to step into a lions cage.
Im trying with every fiber of my being to stop from being Mr. I Told You So...but I did, and have, repeatedly...so going from a construct to where she simply disregards my advice, to one where her actions and words are antithetical to getting any sort of justice, or at the very least some measure of self preservation is really difficult...
You need to cut that “I told you so” bullshit out.

Going outside to have a smoke by yourself is stepping into the rapey lions den?

Now is the time to put your thoughts and opinions to the side and to step up and be there for her and be empathetic and supportive.
 

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There is so much going on here, it’s hard to make sense of what you’re trying to translate. Your actual question seems rather arbitrary in the great scheme things. I’m assuming you haven’t slept - you’re probably still in shock/anger has set in etc. I don’t know; I’m not a trauma specialist but I think you would do well to start by contacting a rape counsel service - I’m sure there will be something in your area, and ask to speak with someone who deals with this every day and understands the complexities involved.

What I will say, in the kindest possible way is this: try not to make this about you. Yes, you have been impacted and it’s seems that there’s a kind of co dependant situation going on with your wife (and probably has been for some time) and you would do well to get some help with that, but try to separate the events of last night and your wife’s behaviour from how you’re feeling, right now. It’s fine to be angry/upset/resentful/afraid etc. but this isn’t the time to vent those things to her. Just do what you’re doing: speak with professionals, have her treated (regardless of how she feels about it right now etc.) and then once she’s medically OK, you would do well to seek help in unpicking this mess. Because the drinking is clearly chaotic and harmful and fucking messy. And seek out information on how to survive a co dependant relationship. Good luck.
Great advice. Please take this.
 

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Going outside to have a smoke by yourself is stepping into the rapey lions den?
No, going outside to smoke is fine, my issue is the leaving the safety in numbers and concealing herself; putting herself in danger to drunkenly spite her friend, things Ive checked her on before when we've been out, as it before has inspired some creepy dudes to be that much more aggressive...
Now is the time to put your thoughts and opinions to the side and to step up and be there for her and be empathetic and supportive.
But what if she doesnt posesses the fortitude to do what needs to be done? Ill see if her opinion has changed dramatically after she wakes up, but she's basically implied she shouldnt have told anybody or done anything she shouldve just come home...and what? Possibly fester whatever filth this guy has deposited in/on her so that she can get sick and or die? Or maybe pass it along to me and the kids as I empahtically support her decision to not get some sort of medical attention? My thoughts and opinions are the only reason something further was done beyond just a police report...at what point do I weigh our collective health and wellbeing against her need for me to be emphatically supportive of methodologies that put us all at risk in one way or another.
 

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No, going outside to smoke is fine, my issue is the leaving the safety in numbers and concealing herself; putting herself in danger to drunkenly spite her friend, things Ive checked her on before when we've been out, as it before has inspired some creepy dudes to be that much more aggressive...
It doesn’t matter. It happened. It’s still not her fault.

But what if she doesnt posesses the fortitude to do what needs to be done? Ill see if her opinion has changed dramatically after she wakes up, but she's basically implied she shouldnt have told anybody or done anything she shouldve just come home...and what? Possibly fester whatever filth this guy has deposited in/on her so that she can get sick and or die? Or maybe pass it along to me and the kids as I empahtically support her decision to not get some sort of medical attention? My thoughts and opinions are the only reason something further was done beyond just a police report...at what point do I weigh our collective health and wellbeing against her need for me to be emphatically supportive of methodologies that put us all at risk in one way or another.
Why are you thinking already about how she may not be able to deal with things? You don’t know how she’s going to feel or act. Neither does she.

It is very common for women to not report rapes. I’m one of those women. And if you read other threads on here you will also learn that many other women here also haven’t reported those events.

This isn’t about you. It’s about her. Go back and read @Viviandreaming’s post.
 

Sagittarius84

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This isn’t about you. It’s about her. Go back and read @Viviandreaming’s post.
Im trying...i really am...and luckily she's been asleep so this is a process I can kind of work out in my head before I reengage with her....It just runs parallel to so many other fears i have in our relationship
 

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Im trying...i really am...and luckily she's been asleep so this is a process I can kind of work out in my head before I reengage with her....It just runs parallel to so many other fears i have in our relationship
I know you are. And I’m glad that you reached out to us here. But you also need to listen to us. Right now is the time for you to be truly selfless. I know that’s difficult, but none of the other stuff matters right now. You just need to be there for her.

I highly recommend phoning a support number to talk it through and get some advice while she’s asleep. I’m sure they can be easily found on google if you don’t know of any off the top of your head.
 

Tight_N_Juicy

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Im trying...i really am...and luckily she's been asleep so this is a process I can kind of work out in my head before I reengage with her....It just runs parallel to so many other fears i have in our relationship

All I can think about is the fear she felt and likely still feels.
 
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Sagittarius84

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She's awake. I apologized for my frustration with her, she apologized for being frustrating...lol
I got a chance to speak to the Women's Center, definitely helped. I get the sense the cops really tainted this whole situation, put a whole stink on any specialized exams going on...she's asserted she will get an exam..but with her dr on Mon. Ive already bagged her stuff up but thatll probably be a moot point by then as sexually transmissible diseases will really be the only concern that can be attended to.
I am internally fighting as hard as I can to quiet the demons that wont let up on the accountability issue...This is his fault..this is something he'll likely get away with, probably will go on to someone else, and no possible venues of investigation can be corraborated by physical evidence because I have to back off..and Im really struggling with it....we are definitely going into counseling over this one
 

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She needs to go to the hospital to get examined and receive treatment, whether she decides to report or not. That decision is hers alone to make. And she will need support.

This is not her fault. It doesn’t matter how drunk she was, it doesn’t matter that she was alone. This is the rapist’s fault and his alone. He watched for his first opportunity and took it. A woman has a right to step out of a club for a cigarette in peace. If you blame her for her own rape even a little bit, then you are siding with the rapist. Stop it right now. He could have grabbed her right out of the door. He could have raped her in the club. He could have been watching her in the club. He could have been following her. You don’t know. This is 100% on him. Not even 1% on her. Stop it.

She needs medical attention. Support. She’s going to be angry. Afraid. Unreasonable. Depressed. She may not be the woman you knew before. She may fight therapy. She may not not want to get out of bed for days. She may get manic. She’s going to need unwavering support and love. You will need strength you’ve never needed before. You will need support. And if you blame her in your heart, you won’t be able to do it. Cut that shit out now.

As to reporting. If she goes ahead, it will be the worst experience the two of you ever go through. Again, you will need strength. Support. But right now, she needs to go to get medical treatment and the rape kit.
 
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Reassure her that you support her right to stop talking to police about it. Tell her you're angry that anyone violated her. Implore her to get medical attention. Tell her that it wouldn't be right to let that monster take anything more from her than he already has, like her health, and her healthy family. Tell her that you wish you would have been able to protect her from what happened, and seek her permission to protect her from what could still happen. Remind her that you want to be her safe place, and ask her how you can demonstrate that for her.
 
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AlteredEgo

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Ive already bagged her stuff up but thatll probably be a moot point by then as sexually transmissible diseases will really be the only concern that can be attended to.
I reported a rape once. My mother forced me to. I wish I hadn't told anyone. But I was confused, and one of my teachers had been a prosecutor. I felt like the whole thing was my fault, and therefore not rape. I needed him to help me understand what happened to me. He gave me tissues. I watched him resist the urge to comfort me by holding me. He probably had a daughter my age. He told me that it wasn't my fault, that I had been violated, that the man was a criminal, a rapist, and that he was required by law to notify my mother and CPS. The legal thing dragged on for a year, and only stopped because my mother was too sick at that point to keep advocating for me with the DA's office. I was relieved. I would never report a rape. It is a waste of my time and erosion of my sanity. It is best to just seek medical attention and therapy.
 

Sagittarius84

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She needs to go to the hospital to get examined and receive treatment, whether she decides to report or not. That decision is hers alone to make. And she will need support.

This is not her fault. It doesn’t matter how drunk she was, it doesn’t matter that she was alone. This is the rapist’s fault and his alone. He watched for his first opportunity and took it. A woman has a right to step out of a club for a cigarette in peace. If you blame her for her own rape even a little bit, then you are siding with the rapist. Stop it right now. He could have grabbed her right out of the door. He could have raped her in the club. He could have been watching her in the club. He could have been following her. You don’t know. This is 100% on him. Not even 1% on her. Stop it.

She needs medical attention. Support. She’s going to be angry. Afraid. Unreasonable. Depressed. She may not be the woman you knew before. She may fight therapy. She may not not want to get out of bed for days. She may get manic. She’s going to need unwavering support and love. You will need strength you’ve never needed before. You will need support. And if you blame her in your heart, you won’t be able to do it. Cut that shit out now.

As to reporting. If she goes ahead, it will be the worst experience the two of you ever go through. Again, you will need strength. Support. But right now, she needs to go to get medical treatment and the rape kit.
Again she doesn't want to use the hospital facility that performs the exam/kit...her experience with the officers and the fact they didn't take the time the subsequent drs did to explain exactly how the process worked has tainted a chance for any speedy exam or effective rape kit. She'ss going to do what she always does when she intends to do something we both know isn't something she should be doing..she's going to wait until Im asleep or at work to take a shower..bank on the fact that i really cant be mad at her for anything she chooses to do in this traumatic period, and alley oop the probable slam dunk of disappointment she'll probably get from police involvement as opposed to at least jumping at the net to block.
She's going to go to her dr..she'll get antibiotics, they're within the 72 hr period to do the hiv preventative measure..now but this is all assuming she doesnt change her mind again and I have to support the fact she doesn't want any exam until it's too late...
Im ready for the onslaught after, the all of what might come from it...Im more than willing to back her in court, determined enough go viral as one of those guys that attacks their relatives assailant/murderer in court...I just want to get there with her physicality intact so that her mentality will have a proper place to heal....and a now trip to this Center I think will go a long way to help curtail what she's going to allow to ferment the more time she thinks about it....
I feel like im going to have to compartmentalize myself a bit until we can get some professional help...i feel like im watching some cataclysmic event unfold, the likes of which escape is not guaranteed, but only possible if we act now..but my wife has resigned herself to watch the world burn....and I find myself unable to leave her there but also unable to stay..and every logical bone in my body, every respected and professional voice I encounter is telling me the solution can't simply be me picking her up against her will and making a run for safety...
 

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It doesn’t sound like there will be any charges. That’s okay. It’s her choice. And she can decide later, anyway. Maybe her doctor can persuade her to do a rape kit. Maybe not. Sooner is better, but it is her choice. I’m one of those women who didn’t report. I wasn’t the first and I know he did it again. It’s hell for those who report.
 

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Reassure her that you support her right to stop talking to police about it. Tell her you're angry that anyone violated her. Implore her to get medical attention. Tell her that it wouldn't be right to let that monster take anything more from her than he already has, like her health, and her healthy family. Tell her that you wish you would have been able to protect her from what happened, and seek her permission to protect her from what could still happen. Remind her that you want to be her safe place, and ask her how you can demonstrate that for her.
Despite the internal struggle Ive outwardly dropped the police issue..I took what the nurse at the Women's Center said to heart as far as their initiative to only perform actions and release evidence with the patients explicit consent...
As far as the other stuff Im going to have to unpack it with a professional...as wrong as I know it is, theres some minute demon in the back of my conscience that reminds me just how diligent I was in telling her all of these things before the fact and asks what I expect to change afterwards....
I dont sleep as is, wont be getting much sleep for awhile now...will try to go headlong into our kids and work and making sure she's comfortable...weed will help and so will Fortnite..but im gonna have to temper any deep dialogue until this medical exam is done and we've spoken to a professional about the best ways to go forward
 
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I reported a rape once. My mother forced me to. I wish I hadn't told anyone. But I was confused, and one of my teachers had been a prosecutor. I felt like the whole thing was my fault, and therefore not rape. I needed him to help me understand what happened to me. He gave me tissues. I watched him resist the urge to comfort me by holding me. He probably had a daughter my age. He told me that it wasn't my fault, that I had been violated, that the man was a criminal, a rapist, and that he was required by law to notify my mother and CPS. The legal thing dragged on for a year, and only stopped because my mother was too sick at that point to keep advocating for me with the DA's office. I was relieved. I would never report a rape. It is a waste of my time and erosion of my sanity. It is best to just seek medical attention and therapy.
I understand you. Having been through the courts as a child (having reported chronic sexual abuse), I wouldn’t put myself through that again for anything that wasn’t absolutely cut & dried, i.e. attacked in public by someone I didn’t know, with witnesses/on tape etc. and where I believed that not reporting it would potentially leave others vulnerable to harm. If it was ‘messy’ - we knew each other, had been sexually/romantically linked or I was high/drunk etc. I just can’t see justice finding its way through the already complex (and overloaded) legal system that just isn’t equipped to handle the victim/survivor if it drags in/gets dropped. I have read that, victims tend to fare better (when it comes to possible PTSD) if the initial response (from medical, police, therapeutic etc.) is more factual and less “sympathetic”. If the event is treated as a crime rather than a “terrible thing that happened to you”, people are found to be recover more quickly. I’m not sure how this works with spousal support - not been in that situation, but my instinct would be to focus on medical treatment, first, and then support in ways that are right for her. It may be that the OP isn’t the right person to help with the support, in which case, a trained professional should be introduced into the situation as soon as possible.
 

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It’s hell for those who don’t report, too.
Especially the guilt of “what if he did it again?”

She must get the rape kit. It allows options and decisions to be made when she’s a tad bit more clear. Where I live, a test and kit doesn’t require the survivor to press charges, although the police do press for that.
“When I can think” is a good line.

you are looking for someone to blame.
I have the perfect object of your frustration, fear and pain.
The asshole who raped your wife.

I can’t believe grown people have to be told this.
 
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