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Survivors Forum

Discussion in 'Announcements, Questions, Sharing Ideas' started by petite, Apr 1, 2010.

  1. petite

    petite Expert Member

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    I'm just throwing this idea out there. Does anyone think that LPSG need a survivors forum for survivors of sexual molestation, abuse, and rape and related issues?
     
  2. Kotchanski

    Kotchanski Sexy Member

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    No it's a terrible idea.

    Believe me, there are enough of us here who've "put our stories out there" and suffered the insensitive bollocks others have to say in response to know better than to ask for such a forum.

    Not to mention the number of liars, and those who'll post anything and everything just to "one up" the person next to them.

    It's asking for nothing but trouble all around.
     
  3. RawDog

    RawDog Expert Member

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    I second what Aconitum said.

    Bad idea.
     
  4. JackPinman

    JackPinman Lurker

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  5. petite

    petite Expert Member

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    Insensitive responses is what I was afraid of when I posted, and I'm still unsure of whether I should have done so. It may have been a horrible mistake.

    The idea of one-upping is a horrible, but I understand what you're saying. Some people will say anything.

    For me, I've never been able to discuss such stuff IRL, and it was much easier for me to do so anonymously. Much much easier. I have to say, other than a very few posters here, most have been very supportive and sensitive. It's actually one of the nicer boards I've ever been on. I still hold out a little hope that I won't regret my decision.

    Got it. You disagree.

    I should look at that. Thank you for posting the link! I appreciate it.
     
    #5 petite, Apr 1, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2010
    Richiecable likes this.
  6. HungThickProf

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    That's really shocking. Don't get me wrong, I can definitely see and understand the issues that can come from that. However, you know just as well as I do that if someone wants to lie and one up someone else in this place it's going to happen, and lord knows that it does every day. If the lies are going to exist, it wouldn't be bad if there was just a bit of truth and guidance to help others along the way. And I know that people are going to say their comments, but there's a thread about sexual molestation and abuse. People have posted their stories, and people have made their comments. Hasn't gone so badly.

    If it's good for us to discuss the beauty and fun of sex, with or without a large cock, we should also be able to discuss the evil and the power that can sex can truly have over someone. And with sex being a topic that's not just OPENLY discussed with the general public, it would be great if survivor stories were shared here. Really? What's the worst that could happen? It goes badly?

    Just a thought, I guess.

    Love you mean it,

    Dante'
     
  7. Kotchanski

    Kotchanski Sexy Member

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    If that is the worst you think can happen, then you're pretty clueless.

    I've been on the receiving end of what can happen with stories like that being told here, as have several good friends over the years I've been here. I've no problem with people sharing these stories, but I won't support giving them a forum dedicated to it so the assholes of the world can find them easier and make their lives hell.

    Small question for you while I think of it...

    Survivors forum - Share your tales of surviving sexual abuse!

    Do you really think a whole forum section full of true and fictional tales of rape, molestation and abuse isn't going to attract some delightfully fucked up and predatory characters?
     
  8. kit_kat

    kit_kat Experimental Member

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    I agree that this is not the right place for it.
    It would end up full of predators, including predators who are trying to make excuses for themselves which is harmful for anyone who is trying to recover.
     
    #8 kit_kat, Apr 1, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2010
  9. petite

    petite Expert Member

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    I hadn't thought of that. I see your point. Stories of abuse might attract the sickos who get off on that sort of thing. It's the reason why I didn't describe any of my actual abuse experiences, but the situation in general. It bothered me to think that someone would get off on it and it wasn't necessary to do so.
     
  10. HungThickProf

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    Believe it or not, when you said forum I automatically thought thread. My bad!!! As you can see, I've been a member for 4 years, and I've only posted 62 times- very rare. So, oops!
     
  11. JackPinman

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    You're very welcome, hope it is of some help.
     
  12. petite

    petite Expert Member

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    I hadn't thought about the possibility of attracting predators with such a forum. That won't work at all.

    There just seemed to be a lot of LPSG members who were survivors and I thought they may prefer one another's support since this is already a community and they could lean on one another. If there was some way to restrict membership, say like one of the social groups or something that's controlled by a moderator, maybe that would work better for LPSG members, and it would be less out in the "open" to attract predators.

    Is there a flaw in my idea here?
     
  13. SilverTrain

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    You can start a group and make it invite only. As a victim of abuse in my childhood, I would be glad to join.

    The problem would be how to discern who is legit and who isn't.
     
  14. petite

    petite Expert Member

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    This is true. I would not know how to do that. I would not be the best person to choose who does or does not belong in the group either. It would be much better if an older member at LPSG did it, I think.

    A good thing is that the social groups aren't really strongly apparent to newbies and aren't strongly featured, so I think that cuts down on the likelihood that anyone would join LPSG just to join the survivor social group, so automatically there might be fewer fakers to weed out that way.

    If anyone has any more ideas to contribute regarding this, please feel free to make them!
     
  15. Tattooed Goddess

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    I think Silvertrain has the right idea, a private group. As a survivor of sexual abuse i wouldnt want to read others stories. It would be far too depressing for me- and tempting to read them if they were in a forum of their own. But a private group would dignify the situation that is private but also allows those who want to be a part of it to join and share or read.

    At first i thought it was a Cancer Survivors thread, and then i thought it was about the semi-reality show Survivor. LOL
     
  16. petite

    petite Expert Member

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    Actually it was my idea about making it a social group, but Silvertrain suggested that I create it. As such a new member, I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable creating it. I think an older member would already know a lot of the other LPSG members and would make a better moderator for the group. Also, I think I'd have a difficult time judging who shouldn't be in the group, as I tend to err on the side of acceptance.

    I'm going to send out PMs to see if there is interest in such a group. There is no point if no one is interested.
     
    #16 petite, Apr 1, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2010
  17. Trinnium

    Trinnium Lurker

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    Could there not just be a collection of links, for things like 'support', for help, for advice, even to other links wherein people could share their stories?

    That way, LPSG is not responsible, but still offering people help, support, advice, an ear, or atleast an acknowledgement that things that shouldn't happen do, that there's still people who can help, who can share and that no one is alone?

    Mirroring the tech support, almost like 'Life Support', with links on things like past traumas, of whatever kind, and too, other things like help on debt, on happiness, on sexual identity, on belonging, even on darker things like abuse, suicide, trauma, loss?

    LPSG could be more than a 'Penis Emporium', more than it is, it could be a lifeline, to all types of people, to people who need help. We have the technology, we have the people to contribute, and - unfortunately - I believe we have a need, if not a responsibility.

    Whether just a normal forum, where people can speak, chat, talk, overcome and congregate, or whether something more formal, a list of links to sites specialising, a list of specialists in their field, a pre-ordained rigid safety net - I believe something is needed.

    We know this sort of thing will not go away, but we can help. We can try. We can, as a group, a community, a website, atleast try.
     
  18. petite

    petite Expert Member

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    Trinnium, I think those are great ideas!

    I have already received some PMs back from other LPSG members expressing interest in a private social group, though, so there is definite interest in creating one.

    As a survivor myself, I found it so much easier to discuss my experiences anonymously than I would face-to-face IRL and it was unbelievably cathartic. I did find it a comfort that I'm not alone. I've developed a trust here, a confidence revealing unbelievably private information that I've never had anywhere else. Even still, I avoided describing my experiences in any detail becasue the idea of it being wank fodder or open to read for the merely curious bothered me. Being able to keep membership restricted would be so freeing. Sure, there is the possibility that a few fakers might end up slipping in, but that's still an enourmous improvement over having our stories, experiences, and interactions open to the entire internet!
     
  19. dashdeming

    dashdeming Experimental Member

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    I think it is a great idea to have a social group here with a focus on survivors of abuse and so forth. It seems that many other forums are not as open and liberal as we are here and a person just is not able to share as much in that setting. I would feel much safer sharing here.
     
  20. Countryguy63

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    I'm torn on this one, seriously. On one hand, I see the good side of support, and connection with others who may share some of the same feelings. There is strength in numbers.

    However, I'm not even sure that I would want to participate? Even though I have been through years of therapy, countless therapists, and feel that I am getting on with my life, I still relive it almost everytime I discuss it, complete with the sweats, heartracing, and sometimes even shaking. That's just me personally.

    So I guess my stance is that I would support the concept and idea, but couldn't promise that I would be a part of it. My apologies :frown1:
     
  21. B_Head_Nurse

    B_Head_Nurse Banned

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    Thanks for the note on this group.

    As you know, I am a Family Nurse Practitioner moderator of an IRL MeetUp group in So CA with the intent of support victims and families impacted by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) resulting from being an Adult Molested as a Child (AMAC).

    Online ANONYMOUS forum support is provided there as well as an opportunity to post and vent. Ultimately, there are pro's and con's to posting any sensitive information on the internet.

    There are the also the legal limitations of the website owners. The consensus in the post responses so far is that the LPSG site is best serviced with non threatening, fun, beautiful etc... material.

    While I tend to agree, my response and all the others provide a platform for linkage to other local Survivor Forums, Meetings and networks. As such, you have provided a resource to others in need.

    Thank you....

    Head Nurse
     
  22. petite

    petite Expert Member

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    I understand where you are coming from. The day after I read the thread and I posted my responses was definitely a hard one for me. I don't think about my experiences often, but it took me back there again. I understand if you don't want to participate and I don't think you should if it would not be healthy for you to do so. I respect your decision and the decision of anyone who does not want to be a part of it. You need to do what will be healthiest for you.

    It's part of the reason why I sent out PMs, to discover how much interest there is, if this is something that should be pursued and so far, it's looking like it should be, just based upon the PMs I've gotten today. While you, CountryGuy63 don't want to participate, and so far you're the first one I PM-ed to tell me so, there have been others who have said they definitely would like to be a part of such a group.
     
    #22 petite, Apr 2, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2010
  23. petite

    petite Expert Member

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    I've received PMs from LPSG members expressing an interest in participating in a Survivors Group here, who have not posted in this thread. Since I do not have any experience with support groups or with dealing with survivors, your participation would provide experience that I do not have. Please consider it.
     
  24. Tense0000

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    I am neutral. Which ever way it goes, but just a heads up...the hate feeds me so some posts might just be angry. Sorry in advance.
     
  25. petite

    petite Expert Member

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    I think venting would be completely appropriate, if it would help you. I have no problem with that.
     
  26. biguy2738

    biguy2738 Experimental Member

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    Petite PM'd me yesterday to find out if I'd be interested in such a group. I still haven't responded...and today I was PM'd by her and asked to offer my reaction in this thread instead. My sincere apologies for not responding to you, Petite, but this is something that has being weighing heavily on my head and I've needed some time to consider the implications and examine things from all angles before offering any kind of response.

    This stands to be a long one folks but I don't think that things have been examined thoroughly. This isn't an easy post to make because I stand to come across as being a cold hearted bustid and I may even be flamed in the process...but this is a >VERY< serious issue and I see the need to approach things critically.

    Save for the person running this group being:
    1) A certified therapist (and nothing less than this)
    and 2) Specialising and experienced in treating clients with a history of childhood abuse,
    I STRONGLY discourage that either a group or forum be started. This is >VERY< dangerous territory and I don't believe that there's enough understanding for one to fully comprehend why this is the case:

    For a start, most therapists specialising in the treatment of patients with a history of childhood abuse STRONGLY discourage the use of "victim" or "survivor" and there are many reasons for this. For a start, it's all too easy to fall into the trap of being a victim and this isn't only destructive and disempowering to the client, but it also hinders the therapeutic process. In the instance of survivor, it creates a sense of specialness and that creates other problems in the process - granted, it comes from a place of trying to give a very traumatic experience, a sense of purpose so that the person doesn't feel as if he/she is a victim, but there are other ways of doing this. One of them being that the person is led to identify good qualities/aptitudes that may have been realised through that event. Apart from this, the person will more than likely integrate this role into his/her identity...now, if this is used as part of someone's identity in the present, how is it then possible for that person to come to a place of closure and putting the past behind him/her? It's a big no-no in the mental health community because eventually the person becomes resistant to relinquishing this role/identity and with it comes the likelihood that the person will never reach a place of closure and integration. The use of "victim" and "survivor" in this discussion already makes me aware of how this idea stands to do more harm than good (it may help make people feel better emotionally, but to the detriment of their psychological well being).

    I'm going to approach this discussion from a different angle for a bit. Does anyone have experience in moderation? Because the approach and agendas are very different to that of being a member? Tough calls have to be made at times...for the wellbeing of the group at large. I've run an online support group for men trying to come to terms with being bisexual, and there have been times where I've had to make very tough judgment calls...to the point of me being known as "the evil bitch" on that site. :biggrin1:
    The thing to consider, is that what those men go through isn't as great as what peeps with childhood abuse are or have gone through. There are certain trends on that site and I can tell you that they have/will emerge on this site...and more than likely in the group as well. Here are a few of them:

    SUICIDAL THREATS
    What will you do if someone comes along and wants to commit suicide?
    On the site that I run, standard protocol is that members don't get involved and that they leave mods to intervene. The thread is made invisible, the person is put on mod preview (their posts are invisible unless approved by a mod) and he is PM'd where we explain that no one on the site is equipped to help him and we therefore strongly suggest that he either contacts a local tollfree/hotline number or else he arranges to see a mental health care professional. Callous as it may sound, we have to consider everyone involved. Members aren't equipped to deal with such situations and with it comes the risk that he does something that could lead to the person in question pulling the trigger etc. We simply cannot allow for anyone to be at risk of suffering from guilt if the person decides to commit suicide after a member has attempted to assist him...that simply isn't fair. In this instance, dealing with abuse can lead to people becoming suicidal.

    MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES
    The kind of psychological trauma that one undergoes during childhood abuse is quite severe. The severity is determined by the nature of the abuse, the age of the child when it took place and other contributing factors. In the instance of sexual abuse, it can lead to serious issues that range from what's known as the "Approach-Avoid Conflict" to "Pathological Splitting" (which can lead to Borderline personality disorder) and many other things. Would anyone know how to identify such instances let alone know how to go about dealing with the situation? Eg. I once had a member that came from a very abusive marriage. The problem however, is that as time went on and he continued to talk about that situation over and over again, the more that he deteriorated psychologically. Eg. He initially referred to his wife as "his ex" which then became "my abuser" and eventually she was referred to as "the monster". What set more alarms going off, was the fact that he eventually started to behave and express himself like a 4-5 year old child. I identified that the more that he got attention, the worse that he became and therefore that need had to be starved (he suffered from "Dependency Disorder"), so all of this "rant" threads were locked and he was debarred from ever discussing his marriage and issues again...lest he be banned without notice or warning. There was a change almost overnight.

    ATTENTION SEEKERS
    In a lot of instances, there have been cases where members join the site and from that moment onwards, it's nothing but drama. However, there's no progress or resolution, it's just a case of going round and round in circles. Sometimes it's because the person is looking for an audience and other times it's because he wants to do something but he's looking for others to give him permission. In this case, the thread is locked and he is also instructed to never talk about his issues again lest he be banned immediately from the site.

    These are some of the issues that stand to surface in such an environment. Do you think that the person running the group will not only have the gonads to make such tough decisions, but will he/she be able to determine what the problem is and have the ability to deal with it correctly? ...and will bleeding heart members have the ability to support such tough judgment calls?

    Taking things down to membership level, there are other concerns that I have. I cannot help but wonder what the motivation would be behind wanting to join such a group? If there's the need to seek support or understanding or a myriad of other needs, then it would be an indication that the abuse hadn't been resolved either emotionally or intellectually (or both) and thus the person wouldn't have come to a place of complete healing and closure. Considering the amount of trauma and the implications thereof, the only place where one is able to resolve those issues, would be through undergoing the therapy process. It's not just about healing and pain, it's about integrating things and most especially, identifying and resolving patterns of behavior that stand to be destructive to oneself and others. Creating an environment like what's been proposed will feed specific needs and therefore prevent the person from seeking the correct avenues in dealing with destructive history.

    My biggest concern is that the implication of unresolved issues etc. would be that members are at risk of hindering the healing process instead of assisting it. Talking about it is certainly cathartic, but I think that the way that its taken place thus far on this site is the best way of going about it...where it's done in a thread which either dies and is then revived at some point or else a new thread is started. Through having an area that's devoted to something of this nature ie there isn't a cycle of life and death but the discussions continue perpetually, stand to enable certain approaches and behaviors that will be to the detriment of everyone involved.
     
    #26 biguy2738, Apr 2, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2010
  27. biguy2738

    biguy2738 Experimental Member

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    This kind of exposure can lead to members reliving their abuse or for emotions to surface. The implications of this will be that, if the emotions/reliving things are overpowering, the person stands to be disempowered. This level of disempowerment will lead to the person either becoming aggressive or else projecting it onto others and thus trying to save them. Or the need to save others may come as a subconscious effort to save themselves. The projection of one's pain etc. onto others can lead to members coddling each others and this WILL eventually lead to the other party becoming a victim. There are implications of disempowerment, and even destructive behavior like being abusive in ones interpersonal relationships because of the sense of entitlement...."Well I was abused and I'm suffering because of it, so why shouldn't I be able to....?" There was reference to "one upmanship" and it may not only come from a predator, it can come from a place where the person feels like such a victim that one has to try toprove that one's suffering is the "ultimate" of all suffering. In the instance of predators, all members will have a target on their back and can so easily be sucked in by such parties because subconsciously, they're aware of what they are dealing with, and with this awareness comes the subconscious desire to recreate their abusive past in an attempt to approach that experience as an adult and thus gain an adult perspective on what went down. The problem is that the person will be worse for wear afterwards. I've seen situations like the one proposed, where members allowed for the victim role to become such a great part of their identities, that when other members displayed healing and closure, they came under attack....because it meant that the "victims" would also have to follow suit and heal themselves...but they didn't want to...lest they lose all sense of self and their entitlement to trample over others. There is also the risk of instances where members have unknowingly healed themselves to the point of being able to approach their abuse with a sense of being neutral to it (which is the ideal outcome), but when faced with others and what they are dealing with, they are left feeling as if there is something wrong with them or else there's alarm that they may be blocking things out.

    One of my biggest concerns: What happens when such an environment compels someone to a point where he/she ends up forcing repressed memories to surface? What happens if something serves as a trigger and a member starts to recover repressed memories (and this is very common, I assure)? Would anyone know how to deal with such a situation? Because it can create such devastation that the person needs to be hospitalised...and may never be the same again, afterwards.

    The reaction may be one of "Yeah, but we just want to exchange stories and offer support?"...however, human nature WILL dictate and people will try to be armchair therapists. It will be a compulsion because projection will be at play which means that they will be drawn into the experiences of others. Their own sense of pain will want them to help somebody in pain. They will feel disempowered by it and it will lead to a compulsion to try to help. But does that person know and understand what needs to be done and how to approach things in a balanced manner so that the other person doesn't become a victim? Because this is a VERY slippery tight rope. How does one approach such an emotionally volatile environment without any knowledge of how to prepare oneself for it so that one isn't emotionally drawn into the plight of others ie is there an awareness of how to protect oneself emotionally from taking on the issues of others?

    In short, you're dealing with a complex situation, not only emotionally, but most especially, psychologically. I see more harm and destruction taking place, than anything else. And in light of this, I believe that it would be irresponsible and dangerous for such an undertaking.

    In terms of me being a member: Even if I was supportive of such an enterprise, I still wouldn't join the group or participate in such a forum. All of this very new for me and a lot of what I've said comes from a lot of personal experience (not only in terms of my own experience of therapy, but after joining a sexual abuse peer support group <---very disastrous, to say the least). I realised that I was sexually abused in about October last year. The severity of my childhood led to my therapist concluding that I'd need to go for therapy, for the duration of this year. She kicked my ass to the degree that even if I wanted to feel sorry for myself, there just wasn't time for me to do so. I'm psychologised, and she was able to identify it, so she worked with it; she left me to play therapist for myself while she was an objective sounding board for me to turn to. In light of this, my sessions were at intervals of anything between a fortnight, to two months. Her kicking my ass led to me kicking my ass, and there wasn't any need for therapy after I'd completed my seventh session.

    We achieved all of our goals, including me reaching a place of feeling neutral (not indifferent) about my abuse. In light of all of this, I don't need support because all of my issues have been resolved. It doesn't have any kind of presence in my life any more, so there isn't any need to talk about it. So, I really do not have any need to join a group like this.

    Apologies for the length of my response.

    All of the best!
     
    #27 biguy2738, Apr 2, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2010
  28. nudeyorker

    nudeyorker Cherished Member

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    biguy thank you for the time and thought you have put into your response here.
    I have been thinking about this issue since it was proposed here. I have never been a victim of abuse but I have worked on behalf of those who have as legal council in the past; because of my experience and many of the points that you discussed I feel LPSG is not the best venue for this.
    However if it is decided to go forward with it. I will personally monitor it very closely and if it violates the Terms of Service, it will be closed down.
     
  29. petite

    petite Expert Member

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    I completely understand if it is decided that such a group should not be created because of the potential problems it could cause to LPSG. I understand that reasoning.

    If it is decided that it should happen, the group still needs an appropriate moderator.
     
  30. Rowan Ravenseed

    Gold Member Verified

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    While I did not read every single post right the way through i can quickly grasp and understand peoples trepidation with regards to a support forum or group and i can see why some might feel this is not an appropriate forum for such a group.

    I would however like to offer some arguments for the positives of such an idea.

    1. For those who have read the thread topic that started this discussion you will see that there is a large number of people needing to talk about such issues.

    2. The topic also shows that the majority of people have been supportive of those who have suffered.

    3. This board due to its highly sexual nature may unfortunately attract predators but it also attracts open minded sexually aware people who are in the majority and the minority of predators that are attracted are quickly weeded out by mods

    4. With help from the mods small support group can be established and maintained easily to help those suffering where victims of abuse can help survivors grow past their abuse.


    In short this board is highly sexual in nature and as such the subject of sexual abuse was going to be raised sooner or later......

    there are two options.....

    1. Raise awareness and support for victims of abuse

    or

    2. Bury our heads in the sand and say "No its to painful to talk about"


    Your decision guys
     
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