Swedish giant joining

[S_V_J]

@avg_shooter

Thanks, man!
I am having good days and bad days, at this point.
Some days I feel like I am really embracing life. Not really through my actions, but with my thoughts and feelings.
I appreciate the dedication it takes to make long lasting meaningful relationships.
I realize love is the meaning of life, our relations to other people is what matters. I feel the magic in this experience we share with each other, it feels good to feel that joy for life!

Other days, though, it's the complete opposite. I just stay in bed, stare at the wall or the TV, just saying "fuck it!" to the whole world. I realize the downsides to all the good things I remember thinking earlier, the pointlessness to all the struggles, needing someone else in order to be happy feels pathetic ...

I realized the other day that my penis issues are bigger than I previously thought. I was driving along in my car, feeling pretty good. A lot of negative feelings and thoughts entered my mind, but I managed to shrug them off really good. I was feeling really happy!
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. One thought entered my mind, and I couldn't shrug it off. I was like a deer in the headlights of a mack truck. I suddenly remembered my penis. It made that white noise in my mind return, and I was back to normal. Miserable. It's insane how bad this issue affects me!

This is my Everest. I have started the uphill climb, and I am praying that it will be worth the bruises and cuts.
People often say life is about how much punishment you can take, and still keep going!.

That sounds quite awful. I don't know if I would consider my life worth living if I had all the facts, from a bird's eye view. It's all I have, and I guess I have to keep taking it on the chin until I ... yes, what exactly will happen?

 

[S_V_J]

Last time I posted I was in quite a bad place ...

It goes up and down, I have to start appreciating the high's, and try to learn things from the low's! I could be bi-polar, what do I know ...

I had quite a good day, got a lot of work done on the house, I hope my brother will join me over the weekend so we can plan and start installing cables for the home cinema we're planning on the upper floor.

I had a few revelations yesterday. It was quite intense, like a reality check. I realized my life has been on hold for a few years, and I started to feel like I was prioritizing things the wrong way. I have developed a safe zone, by cutting people off and alienating myself.

There's zero risk for being hurt if there's noone around to hurt you. But that's not what life should be about, that's just like being dead already!

I realized having goals and plans for the future is of great importance to our well-being. I recalled the feeling from my youth, the anticipation for things to come. I started to feel those feelings again! Good things can happen!

I realized that you are supposed to take risks, to make yourself vulnerable, to trust and lose yourself in other people. It's like begging for trouble, but it's living! Not just staying alive!

I have a few events planned in the weeks to come. I will see quite a lot of people, it will be interesting!

I am going to the bath house this weekend aswell.

I feel I might be repeating myself a bit, but these thoughts, although they might touch the same subjects, affect different areas of my life. They can still be formulated with much the same words ...
I have quite a lot of mental blocks to overcome, and every one of them makes me realize more of my goals. The mental image of these goals get stronger, and I keep reinforcing them by thinking about them, and writing them down.

 

[shaguar]

S VJ - Thanks for the detailed post. Just imagine if your surgery hadn't gone well. Be thankful first of all, as should we all. Each one of us has a lot to be grateful for. You have the luxury of making your first sexual experience meaningful. Don't waste that chance. Don't make it a circus act. Do it because it solidifies a deeper connection. Ugh, I know I am the worst person to give you that advice but I mean it. You're obviously mature enough to know what I am talking about.

I wish I had gone to band camp.

 

[S_V_J]

So, I went to the Sex and Relationships reception at my local hospital, to have my hormone levels checked out.
My therapist thinks that it's a good thing to do, since I haven't had them checked since after the surgery. Good to eliminate such factors!

The usual patients are girls/women visiting the gynecologist, and youngsters with STD's. I explained my situation to the woman at the counter, and got a form to fill out. I checked zero next to almost everything, sexual partners, partners during this year, number of unprotected sexual encounters, number of STD's, number of sexual encounters abroad ... You get the picture

I eventually got to see the male doctor. The male queue was kinda shorter than the female one
I explained my situation. He said they usually just test for STD's, and that I should visit the endocriniological(?) institution at the hospital, he said he would schedule a meeting.
I was content with that. But then he hit me with it.
-"While you're here, why don't we do a routine check-up?"
-"Eeh ... sure ..!"
That was the last thing I had imagined would happen, but I figured why the fuck not? Why not get a professional opinion?
That was a weird feeling. Drop trousers to your knees, and lay down on the table ...
I had shrunk up something fierce when he made the suggestion. The doctor felt around, he said he could hardly get a good grip on my right ball, it had fled the scene
He said everything looked normal!
I said "good".

Then I spent the drive back to my house crying in the car. Tears were pouring down my face!

My thoughts were racing.
I guess I am normal?
Do I dare trust that opinion?
Last time I trusted people saying I was normal it turned out I had a brain tumor.
It was discovered because I myself stood firm in my belief that I was far from normal!
Did he mean what he said?
Can I trust him to be objective, just because he's a doctor?
What did he think when he read the form I had filled out?

Should I finally put my trust in someone else again?

I know the issue isn't my hormone levels. It will feel good to have it on paper, but I know that's not my main issue.

I have to learn to like my body. I have to embrace the possibility that someone else would want to be close to my body.

S VJ - Thanks for the detailed post. Just imagine if your surgery hadn't gone well. Be thankful first of all, as should we all. Each one of us has a lot to be grateful for. You have the luxury of making your first sexual experience meaningful. Don't waste that chance. Don't make it a circus act. Do it because it solidifies a deeper connection. Ugh, I know I am the worst person to give you that advice but I mean it. You're obviously mature enough to know what I am talking about.

I wish I had gone to band camp.

Thanks for your input!
As I said in this post, all I really have to do is get over my idea that my body and cock is nothing but a source of shame and anxiety.
Shouldn't be too hard to do, right?

 

[S_V_J]

I got back from a therapy session a few hours ago. It was my last one with this lady as my therapist. She's moving from town, but recommended a few other places. That will be a weird thing, to start "all over" with someone else ...

If I still need it..! I feel the day is coming when I will open up to someone in real life, as I have in therapy. I am getting to know people, and I hope someone will be willing to listen to me.
It is nice to say the words, not just type them down. But oh man, how typing has helped me so far!

I also broached the subject of my sexuality in therapy. I explained how I have always felt attracted to the female form in pictures and movies, how girls in porn always turned me on. But I never saw myself as a sexual person back then. I never imagined anything happening for real, it was ... well, just porn!

I explained how I can sometimes feel like a gay guy, not because I have feelings for guys, but simply because I am 32, pathologically single and a virgin. Aren't those tell-tale signs of a closeted gay guy..?

She didn't answer that of course, she just asked if I would feel bad if that was the case, what my family might think and so on. I have never looked down on gay people, and I doubt my family would shun me in any way. It would be weird, that's for sure, but it would feel a bit weird bringing home a girl too

I am now starting to embrace my sexual side, starting to see myself as a sexual being. I am starting to desire sex, sex is becoming a reality, not just a fantasy. Thus, the question arose for the first time ...

... Well, I am becoming sexual, but what kind of sexual being am I becoming?

I have spent the day browsing gay communities, watching gay guys talking on youtube ...
I don't know ...
As I said in therapy, I can appreciate beauty in a man. I can feel myself wanting to look or behave like some other guy. Since I started improving my overall well-being, I pay more attention to my looks, my diet, my body, so of course I start paying attention ...

I also got an appointment to have my hormone levels checked, for real this time! It's a two day process, they check for a dozen hormones. Should clear up those doubts!

That's all for now.
I feel like I am digging myself deeper and deeper the more I am trying to figure myself out ...

 

[Scarlet Thelema]

Welcome to LPSG. It sounds like you've come far in your personal development already! Congratulations for wanting to learn more about yourself and expand your self-awareness... by doing so, it's that much easier to understand others!

Just came across a very inspirational speaker yesterday - Sean Stephenson. He's also experienced some serious health issues (in his case, osteogenesis imperfecta / brittle bone disease). Instead of letting it hold him back, he went on to become a certified therapist, as well as a self-help and motivational speaker. He makes some excellent points - in particular, what stuck with me was the distinction he made between being 'good-looking' (structure) and being 'attractive' (energy).

I found his videos very helpful; I hope you (and others here) find them helpful, as well

Sean Stephenson on ?How To Create Deep Attraction? | FinerMinds

 

[notN2pussy]

Glad you are here, nice looking penis and pics. its fine!

 

[malito]

Sounds like you are an awesome human being. You are over a foot taller than me. I too was a very late bloomer. No tumor or anything just retarded puberty entry. The results left me scared emotionally much like you. The real big guys did not tease me, it was the average height/cock guys who did. Life was hell in open showers etc. I totally enjoy lpsg and have since 2000. I pray you enjoy it too. welcome.

 

[Lee_Fuller79]

Sorry for resurrecting an old post, just wanted to share my experiences growing up. I went through the exact opposite. I went through puberty at about 10, by 11 I was the tallest and hairiest person in class. I used to avoid showers at school because I didn't want anyone to laugh at my appearance. It affected my confidence quite a lot and I ended up hating the best years of my life, my youth.

 

[S_V_J]

Lee_fuller79
Yes, it is a bitch
The goldielock zone, not too far to one extreme, but juuust right, seems to be the ticket!

 

[MisterSlave]

welcome, man. . have one friend. . 6'8" and one, 6'10" . . they are a couple .. hehe good tall friends to have.