Takers or givers?

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by Not_Punny, Jan 5, 2008.

  1. Not_Punny

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    Are some people just takers?

    Within the last 24 hours, I "gave" the following to the same person...

    -- sex
    -- a rescue when his car ran out of gas on the freeway on-ramp
    -- money to buy gas
    -- a couple of hours of work on his web site
    -- forgiveness for standing me up on a date (he was busy taking phone calls)
    -- a cooked supper because it was too late to go out
    -- a couple of beers

    But then we had a fight about what I interpreted to be a sexist remark about movie stars. (Some things really push my buttons)

    I tried to change my mood. I tried to avert the fight, albeit I didn't do a very good job of this. And I can get "unreasonably" riled about some things.

    But the minute he didn't like my "mood", he was out the door.

    Is that right?

    Am I unreasonable in thinking that I was due some slack?

    Or should women just shut up and be nice all the time?
     
  2. B_Mademoiselle Rouge

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    I hate takers! There seems to be a lot of those around lately.

    I cant be nice all the time, or i'd just be a closet serial killer! You cant be nice all the time either. My husband has been wrong like 2% of the time in our arguments, i hate that! But he's still not perfect...nor are you!
     
  3. Not_Punny

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    Thanks BHR. Sometimes I honestly don't know if I'm crazy or not.
     
  4. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

    D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah Account Disabled

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    Its normal that sometimes we need more then we give but this guy sounds like a jerk. After standing you up, taking your money, food, beer and letting you 'work' for him what i will assume was for free you have all right to be pissed at him. Only thing is should should have let him fuck himself rather then do it for him
     
  5. Not_Punny

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    LOL -- very clever. :biggrin1:

    Thanks for your input. Makes sense.

    I guess I'm also confused about this -- -- should people be nice all the time. Heck, is ANYONE nice all the time??!!

    And should people forgive other people when they get mad or upset about something, as long as everything else was good?
     
  6. ManlyBanisters

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    So much for 'no more men' eh? Looks like you were right the first time though - doesn't it. (j/k)

    I'm not, by the way, having a go - I would have done exactly the same as you did when called for a rescue - exactly the same... because at the end of the day I operate by the principle that nobody needs to be an asshole. Being an asshole is an active choice as is being nice - both can take effort but usually being an asshole is easier. I prefer to make the effort to be nice to / do the right thing by my friends (of both the with and without benefit varieties). This often gets thrown back in your face.

    As for getting pissy over something (that sounds) relatively trivial - well you know, we all do that too - or perhaps it turned into a less trivial argument about sexism generally? Either way - the 'walking off' way of ending an argument is an extremely childish one and he just strikes me as a bit of a twat for behaving like that.

    No one should or can be nice all the time, regardless of sex , age, whatever. If you feel you were unreasonable - that's different, if it was just a normal disagreement and he chose to walk out rather than deal with you being a bit grumpy at him (snap judgement here) the guy may well have been feeling guilty about you being nice to him after he stood you up and rather than handle his own feelings of being a bit of a shit he pushed it all back on to you and walked out.

    You'll both get over it - just don't humour the fucker when he comes back around. And DON'T say sorry - please - promise me you won't apologise. Well, not first anyway. You'd be doing yourself no favours.
     
  7. Guy-jin

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    I try to be nice all the time, but it's not easy.

    I also try to forgive people when they get mad because I've had occasions where I get angry when I really shouldn't have before. In my last relationship, my girlfriend was great about understanding that it was a personality flaw of mine and would tell me to calm down, and I'd do the same to her. Worked out pretty well.
     
  8. Theo8

    Theo8 New Member

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    If you always count your givings, you dont love the other.
    If I give something by heart, I remember very rare.
     
  9. Not_Punny

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    Thanks MB. I needed that. And that's an interesting viewpoint that he might be feeling a bit guilty.

    We kissed and made up yesterday -- yeah, so much for the "no more men" thread. Maybe I should have stuck to it. :rolleyes:

    And yes, he always walks out on a disagreement. It drives me crazy because I feel so rejected. And so afraid that I truly am an unreasonable child. I feel like I have to go on Prozac or something so I have no downs. Just ups.
     
  10. Not_Punny

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    I'm not counting them beforehand. I'm remembering them and going "what the fuck?" AFTER he just walks out.
     
  11. Not_Punny

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    Aw, you're just as sweet as your avatar.

    - - - - - - -

    And does it make any difference that the person is supposedly a motivational guru? That I am supposedly the only person that gives him trouble??!!
     
  12. Guy-jin

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    If a man leaves during an argument, it usually means he doesn't know how to handle the situation.

    It isn't usually because he's trying to abandon you, but more because he sees no other solution.

    If you ever see two men argue, a lot of times the argument comes to a head, and they walk away from each other for a few minutes and then come back and are over it. Women, on the other hand, seem to have to complete an argument in one sitting when they get in a fight amongst each other.

    I don't know, that's how I've seen it anyway.

    I don't really know what a "motivational guru" is, but the scenario you described doesn't seem very out of the ordinary to me.

    Oh, and maybe I should add that in male arguments, another possibility is that the argument comes to a head, they get in a physical fight... and then they calm down and everything is better. ;)
     
  13. ManlyBanisters

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    How convenient for him. You feel childish because he is behaving like a child. I won't say ditch the prick - cos life isn't that simple and he probably isn't a prick anyway.

    If he is going to continue to behave like that you need to stop seeing it as being your fault. I spent the last decade in a relationship where his moods were judged (by both of us) to be all my fault - and do you know what? - they weren't. Anymore than my PMT was his fault. Long story short - it didn't end well.

    Break the pattern. It isn't your fault he can't handle you disagreeing with him. Understand that and let him behave how he behaves, just don't feel responsible - you really aren't.
     
  14. ManlyBanisters

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    None. that's bullshit - he just feels differently about you than he does about everyone else so he reacts to you different.
     
  15. Theo8

    Theo8 New Member

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    Ok, hotmilf I understand. I was the same when my gf very selfish. I tried to speak up with her but after few weeks we said goodbye.
     
  16. Not_Punny

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    Holy cow! This is better than therapy! MB, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    I hadn't looked at it this way. These are very simple truths.

    Maybe I'll get some sleep tonight after all!! :wink:
     
  17. Not_Punny

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    Yikes -- well, better luck with your next gf. :redface::wink: I'm hoping that I can learn to deal with this better, because I've got 7 years with this man, and I'm hoping I can resolve it.:eek::rolleyes:
     
  18. Theo8

    Theo8 New Member

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    Ok, hotmilf I understand. I was the same when my gf very selfish. I tried to speak up with her but after few weeks we said goodbye.
     
  19. Guy-jin

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    Hey, go to bed while it's still raining out! It always helps me sleep. :tongue:
     
  20. Not_Punny

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    Heeeyyyyy so you really ARE in LA?! So what do you think about the "biggest storm" in 20 years? Yeah right. :eek::rolleyes:
     
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