Takers or givers?

lafever

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Are some people just takers?

Within the last 24 hours, I "gave" the following to the same person...

-- sex
-- a rescue when his car ran out of gas on the freeway on-ramp
-- money to buy gas
-- a couple of hours of work on his web site
-- forgiveness for standing me up on a date (he was busy taking phone calls)
-- a cooked supper because it was too late to go out
-- a couple of beers

But then we had a fight about what I interpreted to be a sexist remark about movie stars. (Some things really push my buttons)

I tried to change my mood. I tried to avert the fight, albeit I didn't do a very good job of this. And I can get "unreasonably" riled about some things.

But the minute he didn't like my "mood", he was out the door.

Is that right?

Am I unreasonable in thinking that I was due some slack?

Or should women just shut up and be nice all the time?

Adults work out problems, they don`t run from them, if he`s really into you he`d have worked things out. One of the biggest stumbling blocks in relationships is agreeing to disagree. I`d see his running out on you as a precurser of things to come in the future of that relationship.

You`re way to good for him.

lafever:cool:
 

Not_Punny

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Adults work out problems, they don`t run from them, if he`s really into you he`d have worked things out. One of the biggest stumbling blocks in relationships is agreeing to disagree. I`d see his running out on you as a precurser of things to come in the future of that relationship.

You`re way to good for him.

lafever:cool:

Ouch! I hadn't looked at it that way. Hmmmmm..... I'll have to think about this.
 

Guy-jin

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Heeeyyyyy so you really ARE in LA?! So what do you think about the "biggest storm" in 20 years? Yeah right. :eek::rolleyes:

If it lasts another two days, I'll be impressed! Otherwise... that one we had like three weeks ago was more impressive.

I literally just realized you are in LA so there. :tongue:
 

Not_Punny

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If it lasts another two days, I'll be impressed! Otherwise... that one we had like three weeks ago was more impressive.

I literally just realized you are in LA so there. :tongue:

Yeah, that one knocked down a few branches! Never mind, maybe the current one will show us more teeth tomorrow!! :biggrin1:
 

Love-it

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Most men will let any woman do as much as she can, and is able to do, for him. Some of us were brought up that way.

And some:
1. men hate it when women do everything for them.
2. women love to lavish their menfolk with all kinds of support, until they resent being taken advantage of.
3. people will help each other and not worry about the small things.
4. men don't know how to handle a confrontation with a woman and it is sometimes easier to just walk away, and in some cases much safer for both.

Mostly we need to understand that there are differences in perception and forgive each other for what might only be a misunderstanding. Also lectures aren't pretty or well accepted and sometimes even a meaningful conversation doesn't happen at the right time.
 

ManlyBanisters

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Holy cow! This is better than therapy! MB, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I hadn't looked at it this way. These are very simple truths.

Maybe I'll get some sleep tonight after all!! :wink:

Sleep sounds like a good idea - though I've never understood the phrase 'things will look better in the morning' - they look the same to me, just a few hours further in the past :wink:
 

SpoiledPrincess

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All relationships consist of give and take, they're never going to be entirely 50/50 and they shouldn't be, it shouldn't be tit for tat but when it's all take that's wrong - when we enter into any sort of relationship the pattern it's going to take is set pretty early on, if a guy is all take it's because we've allowed him to be that way.
 

Ethyl

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All relationships consist of give and take, they're never going to be entirely 50/50 and they shouldn't be, it shouldn't be tit for tat but when it's all take that's wrong - when we enter into any sort of relationship the pattern it's going to take is set pretty early on, if a guy is all take it's because we've allowed him to be that way.

Spot on. This was the tough part for me in past breakups - taking responsibility for the things I shouldn't have allowed in the relationship.

When two people are involved for seven years, inevitably a pattern in communication style emerges. It's certainly not fatal if you two can discuss what you need to hear/see from one another during an argument. Ideally, we want to feel secure enough to argue or discuss an issue without worrying about the outcome in any relationship. There really is no point in being involved with someone with whom you can't feel free to share your innermost thoughts.

Glad you kissed and made up, HM. Hopefully your relationship will continue to blossom. :smile:
 

Not_Punny

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Thanks, SP and Bliss, for your words of wisdom.

Yes, I have allowed it to be mostly give, and yes it started that way.

He gets very hurt when I don't pay enough attention to his advice -- he perceives for some reason that I don't respect his advice, which just isn't true. I have thoroughly adopted some of his philosophies and practices. And I let him know this. But I haven't/can't adopt everything, especially since my travel/time is limited with minor kids still at home.

So maybe, to him, his advice is one of the few things he can give me -- and he feels out of balance when I don't take it enough.

Sorry if this sounds like rambling, but it never occurred to me to connect the give/take this way.

Interesting.
 

Not_Punny

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Sometimes if the help and love you give to someone is diverted by selfishness, you clip someone out of your life, or stop being "special" for them. It feels like this here.

Hmmm -- I'm not sure if I understand this. Diverted, to me, means to deflect or turn away, as in "to turn aside or from a path or course". So, I'm not sure if you're saying that my giving is driven off course by MY selfishness (that is, that my motivation is selfish) (which it may or may not be), or if his receiving it is selfish.

Could you clarify a little? :rolleyes:
 

Rugbypup

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Ive had friends who where takers, and after a while giving kinda feels hollow, although sorta right and nice at first, perhaps because im a genourse person. When people take you for granted, thats when its hurt the most.

He who thoughtlessly uses me, will forever abuse my heart.

Those sometimes, i think i would like someone to give to, who would love me for it.
 

Wyldgusechaz

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Are some people just takers?

Within the last 24 hours, I "gave" the following to the same person...

-- sex
-- a rescue when his car ran out of gas on the freeway on-ramp
-- money to buy gas
-- a couple of hours of work on his web site
-- forgiveness for standing me up on a date (he was busy taking phone calls)
-- a cooked supper because it was too late to go out
-- a couple of beers

But then we had a fight about what I interpreted to be a sexist remark about movie stars. (Some things really push my buttons)

I tried to change my mood. I tried to avert the fight, albeit I didn't do a very good job of this. And I can get "unreasonably" riled about some things.

But the minute he didn't like my "mood", he was out the door.

Is that right?

Am I unreasonable in thinking that I was due some slack?

Or should women just shut up and be nice all the time?

Once i awhile I read here and on other boards a deeply disturbing profoundly sad OP. This is one.:frown1:

Where do you start with such a sad post? Well I will.

I have seen a bit of HM posts and I have seen her pics. She is a spectacularly beautiful, literary, and intelligent woman burdened with the task of raising 3 kids. Why would you put up with this shit?

1) sex in not a gift but that isn't the sadness.

2) Rescue a grown man who has run out of gas???!!! What man who is any sort of man runs of of gas? Yes it can happen but for gawd sake he doesn't have a AAA card or credit card? He asks a woman with 3 children to rescue him AND pay for the gas? A man who is over the age of 25 should have control of his life in such a way that HE does not have to need a woman for this sort of help. There are things that men are supposed to have control of, this is one of them. You call a male friend, you call AAA but you don't call your GF struggling to raise 3 kids to bail you out of your dumb ass mistake. That spells loser in my book. Real men fix their own mistakes. Women have been burdened with enough shit to do unfairly, that they then have to babysit an adult male? I would never call my GF to help me out of my mistake. I effed it up, I fix it. I would lop my dick off and give up my man card if I saddled a woman with my error.

If the sun the moon and the stars should reverse polarity and I did beg a women for that help., NO FUCKING WAY WILL YOU HAVE TO PAY. I am buying dinner at the nicest place in town for her. I call the sitter, I make the reservations and I show her how much she means to me. In Newport Beach its Mastros, in Westlake Village its Mandevilla, in Manhattan Beach I can think of a zillion spots. You don't cook.

Babe you do that for me and the website becomes unimportant, the phone calls can wait. You become #1 if you weren't for that moment before. You rescued me, I don't stand you up.

And what bullshit man who calls himself a motivational speaker does not have complete control of his life?! MS's tell people how to succeed but for fucks sake you gawd damn better have your life in such fine control before you tell me how to run mine. No money for gas? No money for a AAA card? Have your life in complete control and THEN you can make suggestions to me. He is a fraud, a phony and a bullshit artist.

I am unrelentingly merciless against men who confuse showmanship with true masculinity. Men, real men, should have their lives under their control. And ladies do not confuse showmanship with being a real man. Remember Lloyd in *Say Anything?* thats a man. The rest are just guys. I know the man HM is dating by heart, I know his kind and he sickens me.

Your problem HM at its core is that you know deep down you have wasted 7 years on a man not your equal, not a real man, and you don't know how to admit to yourself that you need to move on.

Why do you women pick these losers and make these mistakes? If a spectacularly intelligent sexy women like HM has done this what is going on out there?

What a sad post.
 

ZOS23xy

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What I think I meant by "diverted" is the signals aren't coming through. What you have done for this person and what you are getting fed back don't match. I usually call it "getting mixed signals" (I and I've often found my neologism is understood (mostly) by the right person).

You help someone, you should feel good about them and hope they like what you did for them and return the feelings with positive speech, actions and cornerns.

I felt after looking at your note, someone didn't know how to deal with themselves. Could be you'll get an apology after a bit. But I'd examine it and the person pretty carefully.
 

Principessa

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Thanks MB. I needed that. And that's an interesting viewpoint that he might be feeling a bit guilty.

We kissed and made up yesterday -- yeah, so much for the "no more men" thread. Maybe I should have stuck to it. :rolleyes:

And yes, he always walks out on a disagreement. It drives me crazy because I feel so rejected. And so afraid that I truly am an unreasonable child. I feel like I have to go on Prozac or something so I have no downs. Just ups.


Aw, you're just as sweet as your avatar.

- - - - - - -

And does it make any difference that the person is supposedly a motivational guru? That I am supposedly the only person that gives him trouble??!![/quote]


A motivational guru? OMG! Are you dating Tony Robbins?:eek::cool:

Seriously, thats a little too much taking from a man who is supposed to have his shit together. :rolleyes: I don't think you are unreasonable. I also disagree that he is abandoning you. Men don't seem to have the need for closure when disagreeing that women do. I think he probably just got tired of the fight or realized it was a lose/lose situation so he walked away from it. Walking away from an argument does not equal walking away from a relationship in the male mind. Sometimes it just means I need to clear my head so we can move onward.

That said, he sounds a bit too high maintenance for my liking. I say dump him and go out with Guy-jin. :wink: He's nice, smart, funny, employed and has a rather large penis. :smile:
 

Wyldgusechaz

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BTW, if I remember correctly you have an open sexual relationship with him.

Just so you know, his phone calls that caused him to stand you up were to other women he is seeing.
 

ManlyBanisters

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BTW, if I remember correctly you have an open sexual relationship with him.

Just so you know, his phone calls that caused him to stand you up were to other women he is seeing.

You can't know that and it isn't a very nice thing to post. milf has not posted enough detail for you to know anything much about this guy. Personally I'd be happy to help a guy or girl friend out who ran out of gas and lend them the bux to buy gas - no big deal. You seem to think this man is so weak for asking for milf's help. Why? She's his friend. If her kids had needed her home I'm sure she wouldn't have gone, so that's not a factor either. Chill off. The guy sounds like he has a few issues he needs to sort but he ain't the fuckin' devil incarnate.
 

Wyldgusechaz

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You can't know that and it isn't a very nice thing to post. milf has not posted enough detail for you to know anything much about this guy. Personally I'd be happy to help a guy or girl friend out who ran out of gas and lend them the bux to buy gas - no big deal. You seem to think this man is so weak for asking for milf's help. Why? She's his friend. If her kids had needed her home I'm sure she wouldn't have gone, so that's not a factor either. Chill off. The guy sounds like he has a few issues he needs to sort but he ain't the fuckin' devil incarnate.

Oh yes she has. He has no money for gas, he has no credit cards or an auto insurance card for roadside assistance? Yet he has 2 hours of calls for his *motivational speaking* seminars that caused him to stand up the woman who lent him money and rescued him? Nothing here rings true.

I make well over $500k year, I am opening a couple specialized medical clinics across the country and I maybe have an hour per day of phone calls I need to take. I could drop anyone of them for the woman who rescued me. This guy has no money, no credit cards, and is *working on his website*, and yet needs to take 2 hours of calls? Sure.

Unless I am really confused HM has lent him money he hasn't paid back.
 

Not_Punny

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Ive had friends who where takers, and after a while giving kinda feels hollow, although sorta right and nice at first, perhaps because im a genourse person. When people take you for granted, thats when its hurt the most.

He who thoughtlessly uses me, will forever abuse my heart.

Those sometimes, i think i would like someone to give to, who would love me for it.

You're too sweet, RP, and you know I'm always there for you. I feel like we have the same "affliction" -- generosity. :eek::rolleyes: