Taking shit

[Thirdlegproduction]

I had a talk last night about my part in failing in long term relationships.

Basically I look around me in long term relationships and there is always one side that's taking shit from the partner, as in when an argument arises one will always back down for the greater good.
I don't know what the long long long term effects of this are, logic suggests this is a doomed relationship but when looking around these people in my environment are still together and starting to get married and getting children.

I on the other hand have a very confronting nature, one example is when an ex of mine was talking about her social anxiety, I added that I read up on that subject and might have ways to help her out but before I could finish my sentence she interrupted me and said hussh I don't want to hear about it!
It made me furious but I swallowed it at the moment untill she was happily talking about her day and then I did the same to her, to show how rude and unpleasant that feels.

Or one time I was in a club meeting with a girl who invited me there to see her and she ends up giving me her purse and then dances away on the dancefloor. I look to left I look the right and I see all these old saggy men holding purses while their gf's are having fun on the dancefloor.
I politely declined, gave her back her purse and headed out the door.
Next day my friends tell me, I should have had less self respect and held the purse so at the end I might have had the possibility to have sex with her.

Obviously a relationship is a two way street, and I think my inability to take shit has stopped me from either having long term relationships or just miserable relationships, I'm not really sure which one it is yet.

What are your toughts and experiences of taking shit in relationships?

 

[blazblue]

You shouldn't have to any shit if you're with the right person. If being in a relationship means that I have to put up with someone's shit than I'd rather not be in one at all.

 

[bond_to]

Agreed. Better be single than in a bad relationship. Humiliation is a price too high for getting laid. Unless you're into that, of course. It sounds to me, though, that you are a level headed guy with awareness of yourself and your surroundings and you deserve someone similar.

 

[Redwyvre]

You did the right thing. If you're not comfortable doing something, like holding her purse, don't do it. Then again this must be a Dutch thing I haven't seen such a thing where I live. Talk about trust! What sort of club would this be? Anyways, long-term relationships evolve. Romance pulls two people together, but at some point it becomes a real life balancing act with family commitments, financial commitments, friends, health, and we know in the back of our minds that we'll not be a spring chicken forever. It all comes down to simply needing each other. If that requirement isn't met than the relationship is doomed. Fortunately, we can take a lot of shit and survive.

 

[I23]

I think it is also a function of getting (somewhat) older. For example at the age of 25 I am much less accepting of compromise and annoyances than I was when I was 18, 19 or 20. I always thought it was meant to go the other way, mellowing out with age, but I think that as time goes on you know better what you really want, and the novelty of the feeling of just being in a relationship wears off to a point where you can make a far clearer judgement of the costs vs benefits - what you are getting out of the relationship versus what you are having to give up for it.

Redwyyre is right in that all relationships require some amount of compromise but I think you also have to know when it's too much and be prepared to make your stand about it. The nature of relationships and of people themselves can change, and as an example the girl who I got with over 2 years ago and never had anything bad to say, will now quite often attempt to turn a difference of opinion into a shouting match with me, or attempt to have the last say in every discussion, and interrupts and otherwise lets me down. I let it be a one-sided shouting match and usually walk away, my point is, if you find that the status quo is changing in this way then you need to let her know, in an adult way, that you don't find her behaviour acceptable and she needs to put it right. Just because you asked her to go out with you back in the day doesn't give her the right to do whatever she pleases to you for the rest of your days, and I certainly wouldnt be getting married or getting anyone pregnant until you have fixed the relationship to where you are both happy with it and one another.

Your friends sound like they have shot themselves in the foot by making the relationship permanent before they are really contented with it. I hope for their sakes they can improve things before they get too entrenched and stuck in it. For someone with quite a non-confrontational manner like me, I often used to think "It's nothing, I'll just let it slide" when this started happening, but it's a slippery slope, things will get worse and last longer. They need to know you are not happy and they need to raise their game or you are out.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

You sound like an inflexible jerk.

Why the hell weren't you out on the dance floor dancing WITH her?

The reason all those men were standing around holding purses is because they were either self absorbed dicks who refused to dance cause they didn't like it... or self conscious dicks who refused to dance cause they never bothered to learn how.


While I agree that everyone needs to draw a line in matters where personal compromise will erode your own sense of self.
Being entirely uncompromising is a recipe for being serially alone.

Just ask yourself how many times you asked a girl to try some sexual thing she wasn't keen on because it floats YOUR boat.... or to go to some movie full of explosions and gunfire because that's what YOU find entertaining...

Those are areas where SHE compromised herself in order to please YOU.

So maybe, you can identify a class of actions that YOU can 'give" a little on in order to please her, and comprehend that doing so doesn't necessarily diminish you...

Just maybe, it adds to your character by making you a little more giving of yourself.

I am not saying a surrender yourself... I am saying you hold the line ONLY where it really matters.
'Cause, If you want long term relationship... you are going to have t learn to accommodate at least somewhat... sooner or later...

And whether you do so joyfully in the spirit of being giving, or do so resentfully and poison everything, is entirely your own choice.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

I have to admit that in my last relationship of 5 years, I became very diminished - not me - in that I allowed everything to go HIS WAY. He was/is very anal retentive to the point where cans in the cabinet were arrange by height, product, etc. T-shirts had to be folded a certain way. Whenever I did laundry he'd come behind me and redo everything. I finally stopped doing anything and when we broke up THAT was his reason - that I did nothing to contribute to the household. When I told him all about his funky ways, he, of course, denied it all.

The flip side (or positive side) to this was that he kept me SO organized it was scary. He took care of all my book keeping, speaking with the accountant, kept excellent records of everything etc. I told him he should be a professional organizer. He'd be so good at it.