Tales of Badly-Timed Erections

Discussion in 'New Member Introductions' started by steve319, Apr 3, 2005.

  1. steve319

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    I was sitting here listening to the new Beck album (which is just outstanding , BTW) and suddenly I thought of the subject for my first real topic post on LPSG: sharing stories about erections that happen at the perfectly wrong time. You know you have them!

    Let the commiserating begin!

    My tale happened several years ago at a friend’s wedding. I was one of the groomsmen and our responsibility at the beginning of the ceremony was to wait until the music started, walk down the center aisle of the church, step up onto the “stage,” and begin lighting candles. Well, you guessed it, just before we were to step out and make our debut, BAM! Mister Impulsive decides he wants my attention. I have no idea what I was thinking about, if anything.

    I was horrified. All the way up the aisle and through the lighting of what seemed like an endless collection of candles (must have been a hundred of them—no two hundred!), I struggled not to look down and survey the terrain, so to speak. Thankfully, we were lighting them with these long metal lighters, so for the shorter candles, I tried to keep my hand in front of the bulge, even attempting to stealthily rearrange things at one brief moment when my back was to the congregation (probably only making things worse). Repeatedly I tried to telepathically communicate with my candle-lighting partner to work faster so we could vamoose, but no luck. I silently pleaded with my reckless rod to go back to sleep. “Shhhh, we’ll talk about this later. Please!” :eek:

    And just in case the image isn’t sad enough, picture if you will silver-grey tuxes with open-front jackets and tight pants—a tasteless combination that surely hid nothing. Surely, I was in hell. Who knew the uniform would be so formal? Maybe God was punishing me for mentioning how “hot” I’d thought the bride was. (SO unlike me to be that crass)

    Then it was time for both of us candle guys to return the lighters to their stands, meet in the center, face the group, and return up the center aisle. It was like marching to my own execution. “We got a dead man walking here!”

    I like to pretend that no one noticed, but I’m kidding myself on that one. I’m sure I saw a couple of young girls on the bride’s side looking, smiling, and whispering to one another, and a few too many older ladies looked pretty annoyed considering this was a wedding and all. But hey, I can block those parts out pretty successfully by now! No one has ever mentioned it to me.

    You want to know the one part that I can’t effectively repress? The one little detail that, years later, gnaws at me to this very day? Wait for it…wait...I find myself wondering what the couple’s wedding video looks like! AGH! So my own embarrassing story has been captured on film for repeated viewing at family gatherings and such for years to come.

    And that’s my tale of woe and despair. But I know I’m not alone on this, so let’s hear it, guys, as a little "get to know you" exercise. You too, ladies! I’m sure you have tales of things you’ve witnessed that will shock and horrify us all.
     
  2. NorthernStar

    NorthernStar New Member

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    I feel your pain Steve. You actually don't have to be thinking of anything sexual or horny or whatever to get a hard, as men we just get them. I know like every other man out there, i got them in school, and work too. The only bad thing for me is I work in a clinic so it's really bad when I start to get one in front of my patients. I swear it's nothing sexual either. Trust me with some of these patients it wouldn't be. Not when they come in with a gash on their leg. So if any of us see a guy with hard on maybe we should just say it's ok I dude I feel for you. Ok now I'm blabbing.

    Peace out
     
  3. SomeGuyOverThere

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    This is a true story, but isnt me, infact it was a friend of mine:

    He ran out of underwear and while it was in the wash so he had ot go to school commando one day, and, while sitting in German, he had a great view of the girl he really fancied, so, his litle man stands up. Then the teacher comes over and marks his work, telling him its excellent, but she sounds distracted.

    When he left the class he noticed his fly was open...

    WOOPS!



    Yea... thankfully Ive never had inappropriate hardons or if I did, nobody noticed so i didnt get embarressed.
     
  4. Alley Blue

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    How much you packin Steve? I know alot guys say, " I just let nature take its course" but when your 8inchs and over, it could attract alot of attention with something like that busting out of your pants.......
     
  5. steve319

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    Let me tell you, alleyblu, the visibility problem in this story had much more to do with those snug, slick pants than from anything extraordinary I might be carrying! LOL! (Who chooses silver-gray tuxes with tails for a wedding, anyway?) I’m certainly a guy who falls more into the “average” category for length.

    But the mixture of the fit of the pants with my moderately fat penile girth was a deadly combination that day! It was clear from my “aerial view” of the area that there was a prominent bulge thing going on with definite outline visible. I wanted to die, but I guess that would have been the easy way out.

    But that was a long time ago and I can laugh about it now.

    Mostly. ;)

    And that was my point with this topic, for everyone to tell the stories of our fickle phalluses and laugh about it together.

    Great story, SomeGuy. I’ve been on the teacher side of that type of event a time or two and, man, there is no smooth way to handle that situation in the middle of a class and not create some degree of embarrassment for the guy.

    I know I can't be the only guy with an event like this in his past! There are a million stories in the naked city, so let’s hear ‘em!

    steve
     
  6. Leung

    Leung New Member

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    I really want to have a great story, but this is all I have :(

    I was on holiday in Athens a few years ago, and it was seriously hot summer. So in my infinite wisdom I decided to go into the city commando in a pair on light grey combats (genius idea!). I survived the day without any incident, but I had to get the train back to where I was staying. You know what it is like, the gentle rocking motion of the train, being tired after a long day's sightseeing I was a little too relaxed... well you can imagine what happened.
    Anyway, I was sitting opposite an old lady (seriously old, like 80!) and when I stood up before the train had stopped at my station and I was caught off balance and I fell right into her, at the perfect crotch-face height. It was so embarassing, I speak no Greek so I had no idea what to say! I just ran off the train! I feel like I abused this poor old woman!

    Oh the shame!
     
  7. TallHungLB

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    too bad the old lady's mouth wasn't open when you fell! LOL just kidding just kidding...
     
  8. jonb

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    I once had one during a wake. I was 11, I'd just finished a four-day fast, but during that time, my friend's father had died. And, being the pubescent boy I was, I had a boner which wouldn't quit.
     
  9. Imported

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    RunnerSF: Men can get erections from being nervous. So that might have been what triggered yours. There are tons of stories about guys getting hard before military battles and what not.

    I always seem to get hard in church right before Communion. Sigh...but not during confession. :)

     
  10. B_DoubleMeatWhopper

    B_DoubleMeatWhopper New Member

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    Nervous excitement was the culprit when I sprung my most unwanted boner. While in high school, I was competing in the State swim meet. In my case, it turned out to be the swim 'meat'. There is no way to hide full-blown wood in a Speedo! My two older brothers thought it was hysterical. They said, "You made an impressive showing before you even hit the water!"
     
  11. Dr Rock

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    who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree? Sex
    it's a response to the fight-or-flight mechanism. when you become really nervous for whatever reason, it's actually stimulating important tissues all over your body, not just at your crotch.
     
  12. ziggity

    ziggity New Member

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    had one in church today. they've been a real pain in the ass recently. nothing fun about it.


    well.. maybe some irony. but no real fun :(
     
  13. prepstudinsc

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    I get them in church all the time, too...usually I just try to hide it with a hymnal or my open Bible if I'm sitting down. The only thing is that I know that I'm not the only one who has had this problem, or is probably suffering from the same problem out of a congregation as large as mine is, so I just let it run it's course.
    IT's a natural occurance.
     
  14. FieldRatt9

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    When it happens...it just happens. The other day I had a rare weekday off. Since I live on the property I manage it's difficult not to get away from work. I was watching TV when my leasing agent called. I had to sign something now. I threw on some sweat shorts and a tank top. I was standing at the counter talking to her (and she's about average looking) but her perfume was wild. Slowly but not slow enough I'm raging hard and nowhere to grow or go. I finished and went to turn to leave and in walks a resident. I turned back to the counter and she saw my preDICKament. I walked behind the counter and tried to act cool. She kept glancing back at my lifted shorts. I kept thinking ugly thoughts but the perfume had me. After the resident left she turned to me and said she was flattered. I said I was embarrassed beyond belief. By now I was more of a manageable lump so I left. I haven't asked her what the name of that perfume was yet and she acts like nothing happened so I'm leaving it alone.
     
  15. steve319

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    Interesting that you should mention fasting. I'm in the middle of a cleansing fast right now, and I've noticed that during these times my libido seems to skyrocket for awhile. I've always wondered whether it was a reaction to dumping toxins or a sort of instinctual physiological response--kind of the body saying "reproduce NOW before you die!" thing.

    Or just my imagination.

    Anyway, great stories, guys! Thanks for sharing.
     
  16. jonb

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    Well, a fast involves also not having sex or even masturbating. So of course you're going to get a lot of boners. My testosterone made it work; I think from grade 5 to 12, I was using my books as a boner shield some 80% of the time.
     
  17. steve319

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    Ashamed to admit that I've not always abstained from sexual amusement while I'm fasting. :( But it's not a spiritual thing for me anyway.

    Sticking with only fluids for several days kind of saturates my system (more than usual) and I wonder if that ups the production of semen to some noticeable degree too.
     
  18. B_RoysToy

    B_RoysToy New Member

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    SomeGuyOverThere:

    A situation similar to the one with your friend as the focal point, happened when I was keeping late bus duty in my second year of teaching. This time was spent with students waiting for their bus in study hall. There were only a few 9-12 students, maybe 8 or 10, with a 30-45 minute wait.

    One of the cutest guys, I think a junior at the time, had gotten permission to sit with his g/f to 'study' together for a test. After about 30-35 minutes, I told him to go check on the bus. His reply was, "Yes, sir", but didn't get up right away. Being a little slow on the draw, I repeated for him to go, probably using a firm voice.

    When he stood up, I knew why he was hesitant. His pants showed a hard cock, which was anything but small. His g/f didn't look up the whole time he was standing to leave and I admit I was embarrassed for him. No, fortunately his fly wasn't open as your friend's was.
     
  19. nacard01

    nacard01 Member

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    Actually, my most embarassing story of an unwanted hardon is probably at the same time the dumbest.

    I was out at a private cabin that belonged to a friend from high school. Myself and about 10 other friends from high school all went skinny dipping. These folks all knew about my size and so that part didn't bother me. Well while we were in the water I started staring at Jason (guy I was real close friends with in HS and had a huge crush on)....needless to say when I got out of the water I had a full mast boner. Not sure if it was the looks on their faces or my pride but my face was the brightest shade of red possible.


    Nate
     
  20. Imported

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    LAlady: Well, I've never had an erection but I had my own embarassing moment at my best friends wedding where I was the Matron of Honor. I had given birth to my son just 6 weeks previously and was breastfeeding him, this wedding was my first time out without him. Just as I was about to walk up the aisle I became very emotional and my milk started to flow. I soaked the front of my bridesmaid gown, a pale pink color that showed two huge stains to all who looked. I tried to hide my chest behind my bouquet, but it was a small bouquet and my chest is ample. I spent the rest of the day mortified, thankfully the reception was held in a dark room.
     
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