I was sitting here listening to the new Beck album (which is just outstanding , BTW) and suddenly I thought of the subject for my first real topic post on LPSG: sharing stories about erections that happen at the perfectly wrong time. You know you have them! Let the commiserating begin! My tale happened several years ago at a friendâs wedding. I was one of the groomsmen and our responsibility at the beginning of the ceremony was to wait until the music started, walk down the center aisle of the church, step up onto the âstage,â and begin lighting candles. Well, you guessed it, just before we were to step out and make our debut, BAM! Mister Impulsive decides he wants my attention. I have no idea what I was thinking about, if anything. I was horrified. All the way up the aisle and through the lighting of what seemed like an endless collection of candles (must have been a hundred of themâno two hundred!, I struggled not to look down and survey the terrain, so to speak. Thankfully, we were lighting them with these long metal lighters, so for the shorter candles, I tried to keep my hand in front of the bulge, even attempting to stealthily rearrange things at one brief moment when my back was to the congregation (probably only making things worse). Repeatedly I tried to telepathically communicate with my candle-lighting partner to work faster so we could vamoose, but no luck. I silently pleaded with my reckless rod to go back to sleep. âShhhh, weâll talk about this later. Please!â And just in case the image isnât sad enough, picture if you will silver-grey tuxes with open-front jackets and tight pantsâa tasteless combination that surely hid nothing. Surely, I was in hell. Who knew the uniform would be so formal? Maybe God was punishing me for mentioning how âhotâ Iâd thought the bride was. (SO unlike me to be that crass) Then it was time for both of us candle guys to return the lighters to their stands, meet in the center, face the group, and return up the center aisle. It was like marching to my own execution. âWe got a dead man walking here!â I like to pretend that no one noticed, but Iâm kidding myself on that one. Iâm sure I saw a couple of young girls on the brideâs side looking, smiling, and whispering to one another, and a few too many older ladies looked pretty annoyed considering this was a wedding and all. But hey, I can block those parts out pretty successfully by now! No one has ever mentioned it to me. You want to know the one part that I canât effectively repress? The one little detail that, years later, gnaws at me to this very day? Wait for itâ¦wait...I find myself wondering what the coupleâs wedding video looks like! AGH! So my own embarrassing story has been captured on film for repeated viewing at family gatherings and such for years to come. And thatâs my tale of woe and despair. But I know Iâm not alone on this, so letâs hear it, guys, as a little "get to know you" exercise. You too, ladies! Iâm sure you have tales of things youâve witnessed that will shock and horrify us all.