Teach without offending

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by bluekarma, Apr 25, 2007.

  1. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    This question is for the ladies or the men. I have found myself in an odd situation lately. This guy and I have been good friends for a while. There was always obvious chemistry, but for various reasons we never acted on it. As of late we decided to forget about everything that held us back and go with our desires for each other. Here's the problem: He is younger than , and less experienced. We both agreed that one of the main things that turns us both on is that I could "teach" him things. I helped him overcome a few things that were holding him back from being a good lover, along with exploring his kinks with him not making him feel dirty or weird about them. The problem is now that he's feeling confident, I'm afraid that anything further I'd like to suggest will seem like criticism, when in fact it is only to further our wonderful experience together. For instance, he isn't much on foreplay in that his idea of such is oral on one another (his oral is amazing BTW) and his fetish with my feet. I on the other hand would also like more kissing both on the lips and body. While we do some of that from time to time, it usually doesn't last long. Our sessions with oral and penetrative sex can last up to 2-3 hours...but most of it is the oral and penetrative sex. My ideal sex session would begin with some cuddles that lead to passionate kissing/necking to heavy petting/groaping/fingering then oral sex/rimming on one another, then slow passionate sex that leads into rough hard sex ending with his cum all over me or inside of me. In a perfect world I'd get him hard again for some more dirty hot sex. Typically once he cums, that's it for a while...and yes, I can get him hard again, but he just isn't near as "hungry" as I...and I almost feel badly for making him continue because he is obviously spent. Don't get me wrong, I love having sex with this guy, like I said the chemistry is amazing and we are both very much in tune with what we want....or pretty darn close. I guess the problem is I haven't been completely honest with him about what I want. I know it can't be helped that his recovery period is longer than mine.....but what am I to do when he cums and it turns me on to the point I want him again, and he's not ready?? I guess this is a multifaceted question...so any input or suggestion is appreciated....

    :smile: CG
     
  2. willowanna

    willowanna New Member

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    I am the last person that should be giving anyadvise being I am alot like your friend. I am not all that experanced. I am pretty sure he wants to please you very much. But unless you talk to him or show him he will never know the things you would like. I am not sure what would be the best way to tell him these things. But I really think he should know. he sounds like he an amazing guy.
     
  3. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Oh, he is an amazing guy...that's for sure, both in and out of the bedroom. I would normally have no quams with telling him (or anyone) the things that I want, I'm just so afraid it will sound like I'm not satisfied with him, which is NOT the case...I just want to take it to the next level of eh, awesomeness (hah). I suppose telling him that very thing would convey what I'm feeling, but I really don't want to jepordize what we already have. So......?

     
  4. Ethyl

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  5. flaming infinity

    flaming infinity New Member

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    I think the way you might want to go about it is, next time, maybe try a little light bondage. Tie him up and then, you'll be in total control. Go on and tease him slowly. Do some stripping if you have to. That way, you can teach him about building up slowly. Then, that just might set the stage for explaining to him about slowing things down a bit. I hope that helps.
     
  6. OmahaBeef

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    Congrats on this friendship curiousgirl first of all...

    Second:

    Talk. About sex. Things that would turn you on, things you want, etc. Not DURING the act itself, because then it may be misconstrued as critisism. In simple conversation, discuss things. Us men can be dense and insensitive at times, but make no mistake dear: Any man who aims to please you WILL LISTEN. His mind will be like a sponge.

    I am old enough to know alot, but I am never too old to learn or learn about a woman. I am completely selfless in bed. With that in mind...any man worth his salt will know when to put pride aside and LISTEN AND LEARN.

    Good luck...have fun!

    ...OB
     
  7. DC_DEEP

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    Excellent advice, Bliss... but I would expect no less from you.

    Curious, several things you could do... including showing him what you posted here.

    You should have a conversation with him, and not during a possible tryst. Go out to dinner, explain that things have been wonderful from the beginning, are still getting better, and you think that periodically sharing with each other things you think would make it better yet. Present it in the context of continuing education. Nirvana, in this case, is the journey, not the goal.

    Of course, in the heat of the moment, how you ask for something is also important.

    "Oh, yah, that's great... mmm, move your finger in circles, I think that would feel great!"

    as opposed to

    "Oh, that nice, but it would be better if you moved your finger in circles."

    Encourage him to ask you questions about making things better, too. Say something like "I love giving you head, but I bet I could be better. Every man is different; what would you like me to do? I like it when you move your tongue real fast over my pussy lips, would that feel as good on the end of your cock?"



    Then of course, you could always steer your relationship in a direction in which I developed my own relationship - both my partner and I understand that before, during, or just after sex, any suggestions are just that... suggestions, and not criticisms. Open honesty and understanding are so much more likely to get you satisfied than assumptions and innuendos. There is no formula that works for every person, and assuming that one thing works for everyone is bound to disappoint. For instance, TattooedMamaMeg just posted a thread about nipple sensitivity. Some people have 'em, some don't. It's a waste of time to spend an hour playing with someone's nipples if they just don't get it. It's so much easier to say "my navel is much more sensitive than my nipples" and spend the time wisely. If one person doesn't know, and the other doesn't tell, who is at fault? Learn to be open and honest with each other, without either taking offense, and I PROMISE that sex will be much better and much more satisfying.
     
  8. Lordpendragon

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    "Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself."

    Probably not the context that the advice was intended, but it has always worked in bed for me both ways to learn new goodies.

    I would be horrified if he wasn't nearly dead after 2 to 3 hours of hot sex with you CG :biggrin1: - use his well earned recovery time for him to explore your kinky side. And have some oxygen on hand for the young stud.
     
  9. Wrat

    Wrat New Member

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    Thanks. That was beautifully written. Whew!

    Now ya'll scuse me. I gotta go take care of sumpin'.
     
  10. ClaireTalon

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    Well, I guess I'm the right one to come to your assistance with this problem.

    First of all, in my experience young guys are less sensitive towards the difference between criticism and teaching than you imagine. In fact, I think some are really eager to please, and grateful for any advice they get, and highly eager to put it into action here and then. So, I wouldn't worry about that too much.

    My last young fuckbuddy, the one who took the messy exit in January, I've had a fling for about a year, and without modesty, I turned his raw talent into some sexual cunning that will please every woman who succeeds me with him. Especially things like oral, procrastinating, rhythm changes were on our "curriculum", and among the first things I taught him. Foreplay, good kissing, the right way to touch the right spots (well, mine that is) were also on the list, in addition to some hot positions. Let me say, he never complained that I was critisizing him or mentioned that I was hard to please. In fact, he was a bit like a puppy dog with my advice: Tell him, and he'd follow it. Hey, I even taught him how to work around an old problem of men: If you tell them, "Oh, that feels so good...", they do their best and immediately put in more power or speed, or do something different. Guys, there's a reason why we say that that feels so good!!

    Even in the later state of our fling, he was still eager to learn, even though he did most things just right then. I mostly found things that he still could improve, do a little better or give a little more of. Nothing dramatic, but just now and then.

    Heads up, girl. Just go for it with him, teach him what you know, I'm sure he won't be turned down by taking some motherly advice of the other kind :wink:
     
  11. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Wow! Thanks to you all for these tips. After reading these replies, I've decided having a willing pupil is the most important thing....and I surely have that, so the rest will no doubt fall into place.

     
  12. ClaireTalon

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    I really don't know why guys don't get this, often. You guys can believe me, when we say I like that then it doesn't mean I'm bored or Go faster/harder/deeper/.... It just means Go on like that! Really, no double meaning, no subtility used here. When I want you to go harder, I'll let you know this.

    CG, let me throw in another tip here. Of course, discussing likes and improvements in sex is important, but sometimes it's difficult to verbalize what you want it. Besides, I'm a great fan of innuendo communication during sex, so reserve approaching issues verbally for the "rough work" (sorry, can't think of a better expression here), and do the fine tuning by giving him the signals, or pointing him the right direction as you two go along. In a session of two or three hours, you should be able to guide him through a number of issues :wink:, right?

    For example, I'm usually a full-body contact type of gal, but sometimes I really love it if a guy supports me around the small of my back, and I cock my legs and put them on his shoulders, or about chest level with him, so he goes in pretty straight (btw, excellent position for really fast pace, just à propos). Of course that's no position that requires special attention or a lot of work from my partner, but it'd be better if he recognizes the point when I need this. So, for a few sessions, at the same point I cocked my legs like this, and at the same time pushed him up until he was in a more kneeling position. About three or four times it took us, and he got the message.

    And while you're at it, don't be afraid of "overdoing" it sometimes. If you like something in particular, probably overdo your reaction; not too much, but enough to make sure he gets the message. Really not the most subtle technique, but it works with guys of any type. If he wants to please you, he's looking for signals that show your pleasure.

     
  13. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    LOL, exactly! I have no problem saying "Mmm...yes, harder, harder"....but when I say "don't stop, that feels so good" that's exactly what I mean. haha.

    Great tip there. And your so right about subtle innuendo, it can be so sexy...the right gaze or facial expresion can mean so much at the right time. And I do emphasize my reaction based on what feels really good....often times something will feel awesome, and my "over reaction" will send me over the edge just because I'm concentrating so hard on it, and so deep into it. We haven't tried too many positions, just because we are still pretty early in our affairs...heh. Tonight is going to be fun, I can't wait :biggrin1:


     
  14. Lordpendragon

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    OK - this is turning me on now.
     
  15. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Well, it's about time.....:wink:

     
  16. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

    D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah Account Disabled

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    My last guy was a virgin and i had to teach him everything from the beginning, and it also got to the point where we were both contently satisfied but i didnt know how to push him beyond that without offending.

    My solution was to do what i call 'free time' and say for an hour id tell him exactly i wanted and he'd have to do it, then we would swap and id do what he wanted. It gave me the oppotunity to tell him what i wanted and what he should work on but he wa so focused on knowing that his hour was next that he didnt think about it or realise that i was telling him what to do. And works in reverse as i got to learn a few things that he wanted more of too
     
  17. DC_DEEP

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    Ah, this is a good opportunity for you to tell him "That's fine - half the time. Tonight, I will do precisely as I am told. Tomorrow night, you'll do precisely as you are told - and you won't stop until permission is granted."
     
  18. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Ahhh, now this I like. In previous sexual endeavors I've always been more demanding, but for some reason with this guy I submit much more. I believe it's time for my dominatrix to reveal her wicked self (at least half of the time:wink:), because I have to admit, being "taken" has it's perks!



     
  19. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    This is absolutley perfect! But how did you go about suggesting it? I think he may look at me sort of weird if I say "okay baby, it's free time"....huh? WTF is that? I can see him now, haha! Did you just play like it was a game, or did you let on that it was to teach him?

     
  20. DC_DEEP

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    Just think of it as "educational games." That way, it's fun AND it's instructive!
     
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