Terrible self doubt

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by americanronin, Oct 23, 2011.

  1. americanronin

    americanronin Member

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    I have been working out everyday for nearly two months, and have recently lost nearly 20 pounds.
    I usually tend to believe I am quite attractive, I am not terribly overweight, I am at least average intelligence, and I am both endowed and skilled sexual.
    So why do I feel so pathetic?
    I go into most nights with a positive attitude, but usually end the night feeling like women have absolutely no interest in me.

    Any suggestions, or advice would be extremely helpful.
     
  2. Frodo46888

    Frodo46888 Active Member

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    You sounds like you are more attractive than a majority of men. Perhaps you are not giving a woman enough time to express an interest in you. Keep working out and look in other places for more appreciative women.
     
  3. molotovmuffin

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    It's because you're looking at the wrong women. Look at the ones looking at you and you'll find your girl. Stop looking at the model wannabes. Men do that crap all the time. They want the hot body and not a real person.
     
  4. dolfette

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    i'll go further.

    some men miss the modestly dressed hot body and beautiful face because they are easily distracted by the platinum blonde, fake tan, barely dressed obvious.

    not saying that this is the case in this instance.
     
  5. Rikter8

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    Need more info.

    Do you talk too much?
    Any habits that you know of yourself that may be a turn off? (i.e. chew with your mouth open)
    What do you drive when you pick the ladies up?
    Where do you generally go?
    What's your typical plan for the night?

    Some folks when nervous turn into "that guy that wont shut up", or develop habits unknowingly when nervous that they wouldn't normally do.
    Step back away from the situation and take a look. It may be something simple that you don't even realize your doing. ...or not at all.

    What is your "Type" of woman - be descriptive as possible.
     
  6. Scarlet Thelema

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    People have made some great points here so far.

    I'd also add that I've felt similar lately, when trying to socialize with new people (usually at clubs). It's frustrating to feel so positive at the start of the night, and then leave with the feeling of 'there's no one out there for me'.

    I believe that when I'm actively looking for a potential partner, it's somehow sensed by others. However, when I go out with the intention of being hopeful but not specifically looking, I tend to have more luck meeting people. I find that it also helps to have an acquaintance or friend to talk to. This way, you have someone to hang out with regardless of where the evening leads.
     
  7. Phil Ayesho

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    How old are you?

    If women show no interest in you how do you know you are sexually skilled?

    You are not "terribly" overweight even after losing 20 pounds? Then you are still overweight and only recently less so... perhaps all the women you know know you from being 20 pounds heavier than not terribly overweight?

    You 'Believe' yourself to be "quite attractive"... again, on what basis?


    Do you realize that women are not primarily concerned with your outward appearance, but with your sense of self confidence, humor, and genuine interest in them as people?

    You sound to me like you are full of self affirmations that you, yourself, do not even actually buy.
    You have recently made a dramatic effort to improve yourself, physically... and that's a step in the right direction, but after only 2 months of effort you are easily disappointed that the world has not turned on a dime to reward you with women who find you irresistible?

    If you are getting in shape to woo women... that is absolutely the wrong reason to do so. Do it for yourself and your own sense of self worth, and that attitude might soak into your personal interactions in a manner that women will respond to.

    Another tip... stop thinking about how attractive you think you are and start thinking about the woman you are interacting with.
     
  8. Phil Ayesho

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    You may seem desperate to hook up rather than to connect.


    Try going online at OKCupid. answer lots of the personal questions and look for women who are highly rated as "friend" or "Romantic" interests and below 8% "enemy".
    The nice thing about online dating is that you eliminate that club shit, and can narrow your search to people who are interested in the same level of relationship that you are, and who may well have more compatible interests.

    I did great on it, and every person I have recommended the site to has had very quick and positive results.
     
  9. Scarlet Thelema

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    That's a possibility. But so far, I've found it's because most people I've encountered (where I live) tend to go to clubs only with the intention of 'hooking up' rather than making a personal connection. I'm not looking for one night stands.

    OkCupid can be quite interesting with its matching and personal questions. But I personally haven't had any luck with it.
     
  10. molotovmuffin

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    *snipped for my own purpose.
    That statement is dead on. Go someplace new, do something different. Take dancing lessons, art, photography, photoshop classes, learn to weld or just go to an open mic night and listen to spoken word.
    The point is to meet new people that like the same things as you.


    I did the online dating and although I met a few nice people, most were out just for sex.
     
  11. MarkLondon

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    Lol yes, I saw that happening on the bus just the other night. It was the shy one at the back behind her loud friends who was the really attractive one.
     
  12. I23

    I23 New Member

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    You mention going into and ending a night, but I have no idea if that means a night out clubbing or somesuch, or a night out on a date?

    If it's the first one, I'd have to say to stop worrying. Having been through a phase of clubgoing a few years back, I'm convinced it's got to be about the worst place to go if you're hoping to meet someone - at least it is for me, maybe for you too. I have had a far better time with someone when they were met incidentally in life in general, outside of the meat market mentality that seems to dominate these places.
     
  13. lafever

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    Did it ever cross your mind that maybe, just maybe you're all that and a bag of chips and woman are just intimidated by you.
    When a woman sees a good looking man they usually tend to shy off as they're scared of rejection, 99.9% of woman do not get rejected as alas I hate to admitt it but men are dogs.
    So basically woman are not used to being rejected and if they think the odds are against them then the majority of the time a woman will choose to just walk away from you.
    Woman do not like playing the odds at all, they prefer the sure thing, the slam and dunk.
    It's been my experience that only a woman who's confident, drunk, going through a divorce or is getting revenge on their boyfriend or husband has the confidence and/or the mental capacity to accept being rejected if she knows that the possibility is high due to your looks without getting all dramatic due to he fact that in their minds men just don't do that so there must be something wrong with you.
    Also, most woman tend to think that if you're that hot then you must be takken so out respect for the person they assume you're with they leave you alone as they feel as though what comes around goes around and they don't want that brought back upon themselves.
    Plus, the ones who think you're already takken generally tend to be one night stands or truly promiscuous and you don't want that type of woman anyways do to the fact that they're some things you just can't wash off.
     
    #13 lafever, Oct 24, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2011
  14. Phil Ayesho

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    This last doesn't make any sense.

    I know good looking guys who seem able to get any girl they target into the sack. And I know mediocre looking guys who get the same results....

    I also know good looking guys, and regular looking guys, who can't seem to get any interest at all.


    The only noticeable corollary is ATTITUDE.
    Guys full of self doubt, who are shy, or come across as desperate, are universally shunned by women, regardless of their appearance.

    Oddly... guys who seem to come across as if they are god's gift to womankind also fair poorly... self confidence that crosses into narcissism is not attractive, either... regardless of appearance.

    But the successful scorers always have certain thing in common... they come across as genuinely self confident, and genuinely interested and focused on the women they are after ( not necessarily to say they really are... most players are just faking that focus )
    ANd most of them at least seem to have something on the ball... meaning that they are either current with fashion in a way that is not gay looking, or seem really comfortable in their own skin, that they have a job they are excited or passionate about, or carry the subtle signs of success and attention to detail...
    They drive a nice car that is clean, ( those brand marque keyfobs always seem to make an appearance. ) they are wearing stylish and not cheap shoes... ( guys... women scope out your shoes more often than your crotch...)

    Successful scorers always have a decent sense of humor and readily make women, and other men, laugh.
    Even such things as strong friendships full of fun and humor are things women pick up on as indicating a person who is thought well of by his peers.

    They ask the woman more about herself than they talk about them... and they remember what she says and let her see they are paying real attention.


    Real men who are experienced and competent at something, comfortable in their own skin and genuinely interested in the woman they are talking to and who have the subtle markings of success, or the character traits that might lead to success have no trouble catching the interest of women.

    Unfortunately, Players are mostly men who have learned to fake all that expressly for the purpose of getting laid.

    And at a 'club' you will find, most often, women who are out to have fun, and don't mind that a guy who is a player as long as he's a good ride. There may even be a subtle pride for some women in being able to have the obvious player to target her, rather than other women in the room...

    If you are after a real relationship, the club scene is not really the best place to look for it. I know ZERO happy couples who met in a club.



    As to online... I have noticed a pattern... some people go online and find someone almost immediately... and others seem to be online and finding only the wrong kind of people or folks who are not serious.

    I suspect that those who find someone immediately are, first of all, genuinely open to relationship, and not 'protecting' themselves against emotional injury, as well as perhaps better able to not only accurately describe themselves, but who have a much clearer idea of what they want and need in another... and, most importantly, they understand what they can ask for in another, given what they, themselves bring to the table.

    The folks I know who have trouble finding relationships online seem to have one or more of several things going on... often, they misrepresent themselves in their profiles, either intentionally, or thru lack of frank self knowledge, and so whoever they meet up with is certain to be disappointed or surprised...
    Or they are looking for the wrong kind of person for them... rather than someone similar to them, they are only interested in folks who bring something they feel they lack... for example, quite, stay at home types, who only seem interested in the vivacious outgoing fun lover...

    For men, it is often average or not very attractive men who are insistent on women who are far too young, and far more attractive than themselves.

    Those who can't seem to make online work, are often too picky, too easily find fault in others, or too often find fault in themselves... too armored to let themselves really risk, or have unrealistic expectations in relationship.

    There are no more guys online who are just interested in sex than there are in any place you might meet men. ( which is to say... a lot of guys )

    Often, both men and women online are recently out of a long relationship, have had not very much experience with dating other people, and are dead set on trying on a lot of other people to try and figure out both what they may have been missing, but also to make sure they are not just picking the first person who comes along and seems nice...

    there seems to be an idea out there that its best to sample for a while to make sure you have a wide selection to choose from.... but this is not a good strategy... folks like that may pass on a person who would be perfect for them, just because they are fantiaszing about a person even more perfect, who may not exist.

    Or... folks don't get serious for a while because they believe in the myth of the 'rebound' relationship, or they are still working thru the emotional baggage from their last breakup and drag that with them... preventing anyone new from really getting to know them independent from their heartache.

    And BTW... these ar precisely the same personal issues that prevent these same people from finding good relationships anywhere else, too.

    I think if you are having trouble finding decent relationship online... you really need to look at yourself. Are you really ready for commitment? Are you willing to have your heart shattered and risk it anyway? Have you presented a false front online to make yourself seem more appealing or interesting? Are the only people you respond to online out of your league? or are you demanding too much for what you have to offer?
    Do you allow your own emotional problems with someone else get in the way of anyone new?
    Are you using the wrong criteria to pick the people you respond to or fatefully attracted only to people who are really bad for you?
    When you do meet someone that you get a great vibe from, do you sabotage that because you have been hurt before?

    I know women who went from one lousy, hurtful or unsatisfying relationship to another over decades... before they finally realized they always picked the difficult men, or the assholes, and utterly ignored the kind of man who would be good to them...
    I know guys who seemed cursed by their own attraction to shrill self centered bitches who looked great in a tight skirt, but utterly ignored the quiet woman with the rockin bod under the demure dress who actually shared all their interests and would have thought the world of them.

    Those who were eventually able recognize this and to change their preferences found good relationships almost immediately.


    at 50, I was online for two weeks before I found a woman of 50 who was my perfect match, the best relationship I have ever had, and the most compatible in every dimension.

    A friend of mine, at 28, went online 8 months after his wife suddenly and unexpectedly divorced him... and in three weeks he found a woman he has been with for a year now.


    The one thing we both had in common was that we put up truthful profiles that gave an accurate picture of who we were, and we were both looking for a different kind of woman than we had tended to choose in the past. We had both come to the realization that our previous relationship issues were largely our own fault, for not knowing more about who we were, and who we needed.
     
    #14 Phil Ayesho, Oct 24, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2011
  15. lafever

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    So, are you saying that he's good looking but doesn't know it hence he gives off a negative vibe do to his own insecurities because he doubts his own abilities as well as his looks, plausible.
     
  16. minimag

    minimag Active Member

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    I tried the online thing once. I got half a dozen hook-up requests even before posting a picture or a single shred of personal info. Too many fakes out there...
     
  17. slate_australis

    slate_australis New Member

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    To the OP... as someone who used to full of self-doubt, even self-loathing... and still have those moments... nothing sends people running like desperation and clear lack of self-esteem.

    If you don't have enough confidence in yourself... how do you expect anyone else to? Confidence is a VERY attractive feature, confidence, but not being cocky.

    Sorry if that sounded firm- but I know when did some work on myself, I still saw myself as the person I didn't like... and I realised that until I liked me - no one else would.

    Go out to enjoy yourself, be with friends... that's when it happens.
     
  18. helgaleena

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    Yoda agrees. Stop looking so hard. Be happy in your own skin. That is the true attractor. Self confidence is not based on what you are selling per se. Know that when you are old and flabby and wrinkled you will still be yourself, and that is truth in advertising. Just put a smile on it and relax.
     
  19. Hockeytiger

    Hockeytiger Active Member

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    And I'll third that.

    Self confidence is very important (but so is the right environment). The fact that you lead with "terrible self doubt" says quite a bit.

    Secondly, women don't just fall into your lap, you have to seek them out. And that means more than showing up at the club, and expecting women to fawn over you. I know that isn't waht you really expect, but honestly, what are YOU doing to attract them and get them interested in you. Remember, if you are interested in her, you need to make sure that she is interested in you. Talk to her and most of all listen to her. It helps if you have something in common, which others have alluded to. Use what interests you have as a means to find women with similar interests.
     
  20. matelalique

    matelalique Active Member

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    I would speculate that since you've been working out for *only* two months in colorado might be the problem. I live in chicago, and gay men have body image issues in this city, but I've also visited friends in Boulder.

    Keep at it, painfully though it may be, and you will get the body you want if you can manage it..

    Stepping back - if you weigh 400lbs and are never going to draw a woman based on your physique (or if you think you are fat and weigh less), and you don't think you are realistically going to drop pounds, it is time to evaluate your situation. If you are an ignorant, homophobic, racist, boring, uneducated piece of shit, then you need to accept that, and you deserve no nice women, and while you might be able to find nice men to suck your cock, you don't deserve them either.

    If you are not ignorant, racist, boring, uneducated, and a piece of shit, then in any geography, I think you should find women (to the OP) (and men to others) who might be interested in you, having dealt with the alternative. This website suggests that a cock in the 90th percentile would be nice ... most people have different minimum requirements.

    Good luck- and I hope to hear about your adventures.

    Matthew
     
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