Testing out new lyrics for a song

[mephistopheles]

My band is something like horrorpunk/thrasher/heavyrock... Kinda like old punk, like sex pistols, misfits, circle jerks, you know, sloppy punk.

Anyway, heres some new lyrics i wrote today. With this song I'm going for a weird kinda thing, not really dark or evil, becuase the rhythm of the song is really upbeat and fast.

All in the Family

Twisted mother fucker walking down the stairs
whose he gonna carve up? he doesnt fuckin care
keep them in the cellar, tie them to a chair
expose their bowels to the warm cellar air

following him comes that twisted bitch
slicing up her victims is her evil nitch
in a metal bnox is where she keeps her prize
slashes up the face and slices out the eyes

following her comes daddy dear
cut off the fingers, slice off the ears
take the intestines and throw them in the gears
tall twisted figure smashing all the mirrors

Thats pretty much what ive got for the stanzas, not i just gotta think of a good chorus, something catchy and sing a long... if you've ever listened to the misfits you know what im tlaking about.

Anyway, wht do you all think?

 

[jeff black]

All in the Family

Twisted mother fucker walking down the stairs (12)
whose he gonna carve up? he doesnt fuckin care (12)
keep them in the cellar, tie them to a chair (11)
expose their bowels to the warm cellar air (11)

This paragraph/whatever... doesn't flow as well.. the last two lines dont' have enough syllables. Not that it is a bad thing.. it is just something to think about. The last line just sounds like it needs an extra beat or something... the underlined part needs the extra beat.,

EDIT: Something about Iambic pentameter. I didn't pay attention in english at that point.. all I am thinking is AABA and I knowthat has to do with the last word of every line rhyming... but maybe it had something to do with syllables being the same.. .. who knows...

 

[D_alex8]

the underlined part needs the extra beat.,

If that's true, then you could just change "tie" to "tying" and "expose" to "exposing", and hey presto.

 

[jeff black]

If that's true, then you could just change "tie" to "tying" and "expose" to "exposing", and hey presto.

Lol, that is true.. but Tying doesn't work.. the way I am saying it.... as syllables it does.. but it makes the verse mushy...

If I could explain myself properly.. it would be much easier to understand:biggrin1:

 

[mephistopheles]

I usually count out syllables as i write, but i find it destracts me if i have a burst of rhymes or something. If i dont have enough syllables i can change the lyrcs a little bit, but sometimes i hold the last syllable of a certain word for an extra beat.

It seems to work out pretty well, atleast as far as I've used it.

thanks for the advice, at least i know i can submit my lyrics here and expect some good creative criticism.

thanks again,

Josh


EDIT: I think I might change "cellar" to "basement" gives that extra syllable and keeps the flow pretty good.