The Accident Report

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by Imported, Oct 21, 2005.

  1. Imported

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    Jace: Bricklayer's Accident Report ~

    Possibly the funniest story in a while. This is a bricklayer's accident
    report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the
    Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have
    received a Darwin Award for sure....

    Dear Sir:

    I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
    Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my
    accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details
    will be sufficient.

    I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone
    on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that
    I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be
    slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

    Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
    barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the
    sixth floor.

    Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
    out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
    holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

    You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs.
    Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
    presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded
    at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

    In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
    proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.

    This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar
    bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

    Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
    fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by
    this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to
    the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

    At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
    ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the
    bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my
    weight.

    As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
    In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts
    for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs
    and lower body.

    Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed
    to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and
    fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

    I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
    pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go
    of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back
    down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

    I hope this answers your inquiry.

    Bill Fuller
     
  2. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    Say, didn't you play Nordberg in Naked Gun?
     
  3. thirteenbyseven

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    That reminds me of true excerpts taken from some Department of Motor Vehicles accident files. Some are succinct and combative. "This accident was caused by a little guy driving a little car with a big mouth." Others aspire for literary greatness. "I watched as the disheveled, sad faced old gentleman bounced off the hood of my car." Most all assign blame to powers beyond their control. "I was driving along when out of the blue, the light turned red!" Blameless even in the face of nature flouting the laws of physics. "As I rounded the bend in the road a tree came out of nowhere and hit my car."

    Gotta watch out for those overly aggressive predatory trees!
     
  4. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    ... I was skipping down the stairs and I skipped a stair...
     
  5. Max

    Max New Member

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    I remember hearing a tape of this excellent bricklayer story being told by the musician Gerard Hoffnung. I suspect it was his creation.

    Hoffnung

    He died very young at some time in the early 60s I think.
     
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