If you are new to Blues music or like
it but never really understood the whys
and wherefores, here are some very
fundamental rules:
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up
this morning...."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way
to begin the Blues, unless you stick
something nasty in the next line like,
"I got a good woman, with the meanest
face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get
the first line right, repeat it. Then
find something that rhymes - sort of:
"Got a good woman with the meanest
face in town. Yes, I got a good woman
with the meanest face in town. Got
teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she
weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice.
You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch...ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs
and broken-down trucks. Blues don't
travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility
Vehicles. Most Blues transportation
is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
Jet aircraft and state-sponsored
motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the
Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues.
They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing
the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means
being old enough to get the electric
chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York
City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in
Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or
Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis and
Kansas City are still the best places
to have the Blues. You cannot have
the Blues in any place that don't get
no rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness
ain't the Blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is.. Breaking your
leg 'cause you were skiing is not the
Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a
alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an
office or a shopping mall. The lighting
is wrong. Go outside to the parking
lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a) highway
b) jailhouse
c) empty bed
d) bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues:
a) Nordstrom's
b) gallery openings
c) Ivy League institutions
d) golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues
if you wear a suit, 'less you happen
to be an old person, and you slept in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a) you're older than dirt
b) you're blind
c) you shot a man in Memphis
d) you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a) you have all your teeth
b) you were once blind but now can see
c) the man in Memphis lived
d) you have a 401K or trust fund
14. Blues is not a matter of color.
It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods
cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston
could have. Ugly white people also got
a leg up on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin'
gives you gasoline, it's theBlues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a) cheap wine
b) whiskey or bourbon
c) muddy water
d) black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a) Perrier
b) Chardonnay
c) Snapple
d) Slim Fast
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel
or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover
is another Blues way to die. So are
the electric chair, substance abuse
and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you
die during a tennis match or while
getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women:
a) Sadie
b) Big Mama
c) Bessie
d) Fat River Dumpling
18. Some Blues names for men:
a) Joe
b) Willie
c) Little Willie
d) Big Willie
19. Persons with names like Michelle,
Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather
can't sing the Blues no matter how
many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. Blues Name Starter Kit:
a) name of physical infirmity
(Blind, Mute, Lame, etc.)
b) first name (see above) plus name
of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c) last name of President (Jefferson,
Johnson, Fillmore, Clinton, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson,
Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Lame Kiwi
Clinton, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
21. I don't care how tragic your life is:
if you own a computer, you cannot
sing the blues, period.
Sorry!
it but never really understood the whys
and wherefores, here are some very
fundamental rules:
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up
this morning...."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way
to begin the Blues, unless you stick
something nasty in the next line like,
"I got a good woman, with the meanest
face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get
the first line right, repeat it. Then
find something that rhymes - sort of:
"Got a good woman with the meanest
face in town. Yes, I got a good woman
with the meanest face in town. Got
teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she
weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice.
You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch...ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs
and broken-down trucks. Blues don't
travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility
Vehicles. Most Blues transportation
is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
Jet aircraft and state-sponsored
motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the
Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues.
They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing
the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means
being old enough to get the electric
chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York
City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in
Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or
Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis and
Kansas City are still the best places
to have the Blues. You cannot have
the Blues in any place that don't get
no rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness
ain't the Blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is.. Breaking your
leg 'cause you were skiing is not the
Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a
alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an
office or a shopping mall. The lighting
is wrong. Go outside to the parking
lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a) highway
b) jailhouse
c) empty bed
d) bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues:
a) Nordstrom's
b) gallery openings
c) Ivy League institutions
d) golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues
if you wear a suit, 'less you happen
to be an old person, and you slept in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a) you're older than dirt
b) you're blind
c) you shot a man in Memphis
d) you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a) you have all your teeth
b) you were once blind but now can see
c) the man in Memphis lived
d) you have a 401K or trust fund
14. Blues is not a matter of color.
It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods
cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston
could have. Ugly white people also got
a leg up on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin'
gives you gasoline, it's theBlues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a) cheap wine
b) whiskey or bourbon
c) muddy water
d) black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a) Perrier
b) Chardonnay
c) Snapple
d) Slim Fast
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel
or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover
is another Blues way to die. So are
the electric chair, substance abuse
and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you
die during a tennis match or while
getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women:
a) Sadie
b) Big Mama
c) Bessie
d) Fat River Dumpling
18. Some Blues names for men:
a) Joe
b) Willie
c) Little Willie
d) Big Willie
19. Persons with names like Michelle,
Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather
can't sing the Blues no matter how
many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. Blues Name Starter Kit:
a) name of physical infirmity
(Blind, Mute, Lame, etc.)
b) first name (see above) plus name
of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c) last name of President (Jefferson,
Johnson, Fillmore, Clinton, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson,
Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Lame Kiwi
Clinton, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
21. I don't care how tragic your life is:
if you own a computer, you cannot
sing the blues, period.
Sorry!