The complications of men needing sex and wanting sex.

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by Drifterwood, May 26, 2011.

  1. Drifterwood

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    A very old friend (and lover) was telling me the other day that one of the biggest problems in her relationship had been that he had only wanted sex when he needed it.

    As, I hope, an emotionally maturing man, I can very much understand this issue. I know when I need sex. I just need to get off. Probably four or five times a week for me as a minimum, but this varies enormously amongst men. I also appreciate the difference between my needs in this respect and wanting to have sex or rather express myself sexually with someone and experience the same with and from them. Making love, if you like.

    The line can be blurry because most of the time I probably need sex as well as wanting to have sex with someone and I can understand the frustration if sex is purely driven by the other person's need rather than want. If you practice tai chi or yoga or tantra you will know what I mean about channeling your energy, and I have been having a lot of fun learning more about and how to live with my sexual energy.

    I also prefer my needs to be satisfied with someone rather than on my own. Despite what some may think, I'm not much of a wanker. I presume, but don't know, that most men would be the same??

    Anyway, I just thought it might be an interesting thread topic for exchange of views and experiences.
     
    #1 Drifterwood, May 26, 2011
    Last edited: May 26, 2011
  2. helgaleena

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    Some people are emotionally inflexible and do not care whether their partner might have different libido level. They want what they want and that's how it must be. And traditionally the one who had to bend to accommodate was the woman. Even Scripture was quoted to reinforce this. So I guess this is a woman's issue?

    Whether it is or not, those who have divorced sex from affection will likely just think of it as an urge, like using the loo or eating breakfast. If that was your friend's marital situation, she was a glorified household appliance, and that is sad.

    Drifter, you have given me a fine platform to preach the splendours of wanking. Wanking is sex, and just as romantic as any other sort of sex, in potential. This urge is the emperor of urges, a way to experience the face of divinity itself, whether you are alone or whether two or three are gathered together in Love's name. And solo sex is the sovreign method of evening out differences in libido level in a functioning partnership.

    Stepping down from soapbox now. :grouphug:
     
  3. Drifterwood

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    You always make me question, Helga :smile:
     
  4. Not_Punny

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    Would that I had something thoughtful to say on the subject. :rolleyes:

    I am, however,reading an interesting book on death and decomposition, and although there is a considerable amount of "activity" in a cadaver's afterlife, they neither want nor need sex.

    (Sorry -- I had to say SOMETHING. :rolleyes:)
     
  5. rawbone8

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    Aside from mismatched libidos and schedules, there is the element of motivation.

    Wanting sex because the desire and ardour is all about the partner, is flattering and it's likely to be reciprocated.

    Wanting sex because it's a convenience for one is less flattering, but can still be workable. If it devolves to being a vessel for the other (and that's not a part of their kink) it can be too much to accept.

    Is morning wood flattering? Isn't it just there, anyway? A woman wakes up to see her new lover's morning hardon and feels so smitten about him she eagerly dives on. A few years later same woman thinks: meh. That's just his typical state, it's not really about me. She can take it or leave it.

    And then there's external and solitary arousal on his part. Porn and strip clubs might qualify here. Not easy to feel genuinely desired if her guy is horned up by some other forms of simulated stimulation (read other women), and then turns to her for release. Not that perving is a bad thing.

    Wooing is always a good investment.
     
    #5 rawbone8, May 26, 2011
    Last edited: May 26, 2011
  6. Not_Punny

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    This is EXACTLY what I think. Thanks for saying the words I couldn't find.
     
  7. Intrigue

    Intrigue New Member

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    I'm still learning how to curb my impulses and approach sex from a loving perspective. Too many years alone and with only porn to console kinda warps your view of what sex is. Thank god I have a patient woman who can let me explore and understand real sexual nature. The only obstacle is our differing sex drives but those are situational. One partner is stressed so the other waits, supportive yet wanting affection of their own. Finding a voice that isn't loud or angry was a challenge for me. But with patience I'm able to tell her I miss her or I need her. If she is in a good mood and I've shown care and affection when I tell her I need release she will almost always oblige or if she isn't feeling up to it give me the time and space to please myself. Although to be honest it feels like I'm Oliver twist with my bowl asking for more porridge. Heh. I'm not sure what I'm getting at except to illustrate that its a give and take and sometimes there are blocks set in the way that only patience and time can remove. I'm sure once we are more in sync things will pick up. They always do. (I rambled I think for too long)
     
  8. Intrigue

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    Oh and on the wooing part. Yes I would say I'm a horrible wooer. I'm just now starting to stretch my wooing muscles. I used to write poems, flowers all sorts of romantic things but they were born of teen angst I believe and over time and rejection they too petered out. So now with my wife, I am learning to plan ahead or plan nights out. I know that is easy for some but for some others its the hardest thing in the world. The few times I have taken her to an event I've almost always come home to a sexually charged beast. Why? Because I have shown her I care about her nit just my needs. Its alot harder than I thought it would be. So used to being alone and selfish.(military life kinda segments ya from the real)
     
  9. rawbone8

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    I don't mean to suggest that all sex should be lovemaking, by the way.

    I think expressing the raw urges and getting an animalistic, immediate response to the invite is key to what I'd want in a partner, both as a responder or as an initiator. Sometimes uncomplicated and direct can lead to the best sex. At that time.
     
  10. Intrigue

    Intrigue New Member

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    yes, I agree. Although that response is not always guaranteed. And in some cases depending on the woman those type of advances trigger emotions brought on from past experiences in a negative light.
     
  11. helgaleena

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    I have been accused of not being romantic enough. It's true I'll bake you cookies and buy you a silk pajamas but if you get me roses I might grouse that you could have gotten me a stainless steel potato masher for that money.

    When it comes to make-out music I don't like the syrup and pop. Can't say whether it's a raga or the Cardiacs or ELO or ELP or Miles Davis, or maybe a nice dose of AC/DC, but it's got to have some force to it or it'll put me to sleep and then you will get no fun from me at all. Better to dance to a sweating heap than that.

    I cannot fault romantics. It's just not my frequency.
     
  12. rawbone8

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    Flowers or gifts are one kind of romancing, I suppose but can seem like clichés. That's not my preference either. I'm thinking of wooing that can be humble, done at any time, but simply shows I'm paying attention and want her attention. Being engaged in the moment, offering a playful challenge, subversive gropes in public, slipping a suggestive note in her bag, umm... a kidnapping... maybe something creative and spontaneous, maybe something carefully planned and hatched.

    Foreplay can start hours ahead, like a campaign.

    Bah!!! Too many complications!!! C'mere. Let's Fuck. :cool:
     
    #12 rawbone8, May 27, 2011
    Last edited: May 27, 2011
  13. helgaleena

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    Persistence is a virtue!
     
  14. The Dragon

    The Dragon New Member

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    You rang? :wink:
     
  15. D_Madam_Ovary

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    Brilliant post.
     
  16. rawbone8

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    Indeed, I did, Dragon. Dong! :wink:
     
  17. rawbone8

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    Ta, ambr_bmbr!:smile:
     
  18. D_Madam_Ovary

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    No probs - I think your posts are turning me into a bit of a groupie ;)
     
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