The dynamics of an open relationship

[kayman]

The many, ended, tho.

This, I think, is the crux of all 'open' relationship sagas.

I think it is the rarest thing on earth, to find a couple who can 'swing' or dally... and manages only to do so with other people who are equally capable of handling it without complication.

No matter how 'evolved' the relationship... sooner or later, trying on one after another, someone is gonna rub up against someone who elicits, or expresses, far more attachment than can be accommodated by everyone involved.

The same here. Open relationships ultimately in the long run fail just because of these very dynamics.

If you want to be an 'open' relationship you might as well just be single and maintain a regular fuck buddy that is also a close friend (FWB), it is so much easier and less drama. At the end of the day, in both situation of you will need to be tested for STIs because you aren't monogamous with one another. The only difference is you don't have to abide by anyone's rules with the regular FB/FWB situation.

Society continues to evolve. BUT at the end of the day, if you aren't into a relationship 100% with monogamy then don't half-ass it. Do yourselves a favor and get a fuckbuddy and be done with it. Same difference.

 

[Justin87]

The open relationship I was in was fuck buddies at first. It moved into an open relationship and the rules were that we could sleep with other people with the consent of the other person or that we could do group stuff with consent too.

We would cam a lot though, which was fun. It was pretty open though. The big concern was about STD's which is why we let each other know about stuff. No one want's herpies.

 

[Uncutpete]

The same here. Open relationships ultimately in the long run fail just because of these very dynamics.
Society continues to evolve. BUT at the end of the day, if you aren't into a relationship 100% with monogamy then don't half-ass it. Do yourselves a favor and get a fuckbuddy and be done with it. Same difference.

I love the "sage" advice that you give.
Half a dozen people here, including me, have talked about having long term, successful open relationships. My marriage has been going strong for over twenty years. How can you say that they will fail because of some "dynamics" that you supposedly know about? What do you know?

Right now in the US, 50% of all marriages fail -- an even greater percentage of non-married relationships fail. The huge majority of these try to be totally monogamous, and many, if not most fail or falter because of infidelity. How many more fail because of sexual boredom?

Some of us have found a way to live together in a couple without jealousy and to have other partners -- to reverse the usual kind of ownership view of marriage and actually to appreciate the other person's sexuality, without monopolizing it. This way of living is not for everyone. But how can you deny that it works for us?

 

[kayman]

I love the "sage" advice that you give.
Half a dozen people here, including me, have talked about having long term, successful open relationships. My marriage has been going strong for over twenty years. How can you say that they will fail because of some "dynamics" that you supposedly know about? What do you know?

Right now in the US, 50% of all marriages fail -- an even greater percentage of non-married relationships fail. The huge majority of these try to be totally monogamous, and many, if not most fail or falter because of infidelity. How many more fail because of sexual boredom?

Some of us have found a way to live together in a couple without jealousy and to have other partners -- to reverse the usual kind of ownership view of marriage and actually to appreciate the other person's sexuality, without monopolizing it. This way of living is not for everyone. But how can you deny that it works for us?

You base the reason why relationship fail because of sexual boredom. Boy, is that a logic fallacy. Most relations don't fail because of sexual boredom or infidelity of the sexual kind (emotional infidelity can be just as devastating). People change, things don't work, or you are just a serial monogamous individual. There are a number of reasons why You aren't fully satisfied with the situation then leave. Sexual boredom is a cope out and over generalization why 50% of marriages don't work.

It is all about the dynamics.

 

[MelbourneGirl]

I have been in an open relationship with my wife of many years, throughout our marriage. Both of us have very strong sex drives, and want to have sex lives that involve many outside partners. We both are happy that the other is being given pleasure and sexually appreciated by their others. This is important because there is no way that either of us can satisfy the other's outside desires, hers for really young men, mine for my couples and unsatisfied wives. Our rules are simple and logical: we have to spend good sexual time with each other regularly; total honesty if the other person wants or needs to know; healthy practices; no falling in love with others (and if that begins to happen we have a kind of alarm that is invoked); no putting the other into humiliating situations, like fucking too close to home, good friends without agreement, situations where the partner would feel too exposed.

Congratulations on such a long-standing open marriage. I am friends with a couple who are 32 years into their happy open marriage. It can be done.

 

[693987]

A queer male play partner of mine is married to his queer awesome wife. They both have a variety of play partners, have a lovely house, have a live in house boi, and have been together for years. After pegging him one time, I fell asleep in their bed and wandered out into the main part of the house to see his wife coming home. Due to my very small amount of personal experience with poly relationships, I initially panicked. I was genuinely concerned about what her reaction would be. We had only met once prior to this. Instead we all just chatted about how her play date had been, drank some coffee, and hung out.

Any poly relationship I'll be in will be completely open. I don't mean that I have to become best friends with my partner's partners. I just am not okay with a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I'm still play partners with the male and I've gotten hot pictures of his wife as a part of his pervy/kink friendly Christmas card. The only other experience I have being poly is when I was dating a sissy and one of my best friends. The relationship didn't fail due to it being open. It failed, because I wasn't that attracted to my best friend, and because the sissy had some personal things she needed to deal with. All 3 of us got along just fine. We all had dinner together/socialized for a special evening on my behalf too.

I've spent some time around swingers and... it isn't for me. I've had one night stands in the past, and I've had a relationship that lasted years (not bad for only being 23 I suppose). While my desire for sex has very much changed from what it was, if I feel a need to seek sexual companionship, I would find a friend with benefits situation again. In the past I had 3 fwb during the same duration of time. Safe sex with all of them. One got a girlfriend so we stopped fucking. Another moved. And then I ended up dating someone so I broke things off with the last one. Not that I'm implying there's anything wrong with casual sex, so long as you're doing so safely and honestly.

tl;dr
Poly relationships and swinger relationships certainly can work. Happily and long term, even. Considering the massive amount of divorce rates in the USA and the relatively small percentage in comparison, of people who are in open relationships, I certainly wouldn't blame that as a factor. Just like any relationship, people can fuck things up. That isn't necessarily just because it's a different form of romance vs. one + one monogamy. I don't personally see myself ever having that type of a relationship. There isn't likely going to be any one single person who meets all my needs, and I'm ok with that. Do what makes you happy without being careless of other people and be honest.

 

[_Jonesy]

There is a high chance I might be starting an 'open relationship' soon to escape the clutches of emotions while still having the closeness of a woman. I think the most important thing is to make it clear what it is from the start, as this will allow you both to be close without feeling close.

I know that chances are this girl may sleep with other guys, and she may even ask me to join in. We may even end up in a MFMF situation at some point.

If this is accepted from the very beginning for what it is, the relationship is much more likely to be successful for me.

I also believe that open relationships are the most happy, as humans are designed to reproduce. The guys are meant to seek out mates and have as many offspring as possible where the women are meant to only love their children. With that said, I would much rather marry into a very loving marriage - it would feel more warm against my romantic heart.

 

[Stephenmass]

I say whatever works for others works; to each their own. I say the same thing as the OP said in the beginning. I make no judgements or whatever. I don't see myself ever in an open relationship and have no desire whatsoever to be in one. That does not mean or imply at all that others that do have open relationships have working open relationships. I want my man, both sexually and more emotionally all for myself. I hope he wants the same from me. While I can certainly understand sexual boredom, I feel that if the emotional part of the relationship does not deepen during the relationship that sexual boredom is sure to follow. I don't want to see another person pleasing my man sexually in any form. I don't want "just sex" from someone else; I want him. I enjoy rocking his world and having him rock mine. I'm not clingy at all and if we are out if he wants to flirt a bit here and there, have a drink with a nonsexual buddy or whatever, by all means have a great time. I give him as he gives me the breathing room to be ourselves. That came as a result of trust. Maybe I'm lucky or whatever, but I have a great guy in my life and I enjoy everything there is about him.

Someone said this above....

"monogamy is a self-chosen way, and few are truly capable of handling its boundaries. "

I do agree that monogamy I guess is, in fact, self chosen. But I disagree with the other part of it. I don't look at it as a boundary at all. I don't need to seed others. I've been with my partner for 6 years or so now and the emotional connection just gets deeper and deeper. That emotion part of our lives carries into the bedroom and results in what I would call incredible sex because we connect on all emotions as well as sexually fulfilling all of our needs.

I do understand that what is good for me (and for him apparently) isn't necessarily good for others and I respect those differences and truly make no judgements. My rule to myself is to never put myself into a situation that would allow it moving to cheating. Why do I want to risk the great times I have shared with my partner already by subconsciously putting myself into a situation ripe for cheating? He does the same for me. I consider myself very lucky to have found such a man and I don't feel like it has boundaries because I have no desire to go outside the boundaries. I am totally in love with my guy.

 

[august86]

Open relationships are immensely fascinating to me.
Partially because I'm an over-thinker and my mind just can't fathom that open relationships can work out, for the long run, that is. Be it logistics, or just human nature to want to latch onto others, and form bonds.

It requires an openness, trust and maturity level that many just can't reach.

Although I applaud those for which it has and still is working.

 

[Willifred]

Open relationships are immensely fascinating to me.
Partially because I'm an over-thinker and my mind just can't fathom that open relationships can work out, for the long run, that is. Be it logistics, or just human nature to want to latch onto others, and form bonds.

It requires an openness, trust and maturity level that many just can't reach.

Although I applaud those for which it has and still is working.

This just doesn't work for over thinkers. I'm like you, I will evaluate everything. So being in an open relationship doesn't work for me. It has nothing to do with 'openness, trust or maturity,' though, it just highlights the type of relationships we're looking for.

I would never look down on a couple who were able to though.