The Elephant in the Room...

[Lynx]

Hello LPSG-ers!

Just a quick question: My family has a policy of "Don't Ask Don't Tell" regarding my being gay. As a result, they have no knowledge of my personal life and I am unable to share it with them. Should I just leave the status quo or work for fuller disclosure? Does anyone else have a similar situation in their lives; suggestions?

 

[TheMarchHare]

I suggest you tell your family to get over it. Your family is not the military. Even if they are very military based. Tell your family that if they want to have an active part in your life(and that you hope they do want to, because you also want one in there's) that they need to learn to accept you how you are. Otherwise, you will just continuously grow apart till one day.. they aren't even like family any more. Tell them that you feel as though you can't talk to them and that if you were to try that what you say will just be viewed as inappropriate.. tell them how that makes you feel. If they love you, which I'm sure they do, they will consider how their actions make you feel..

Just my bit. Hope it helps

 

[nudeyorker]

I told my parents(mother, father and stepfather) I was gay when I was in college. They (mother and stepfather) accepted the news and said that no matter my choices they would always love me...however asked that I never discuss my personal life with them. My father on the other hand accepted me my lifestyle choice and was very interested in hearing the details.
My only living relatives that I am close to are an elderly aunt and uncle who are very accepting of me and my partner, however we have never discussed any deeply personal information about our life.
I think you owe it to yourself to be candid with them of who you are and the decision of what is appropriate to discuss and what is not will follow. Good Luck!

 

[Bbucko]

Not everyone's family works the same way. I had a partner from Venezuela for many years who knew all about it (I was a guest in their home twice) but chose to not discuss it explicitly. It worked for them, even if it would have been intolerable for me.

If there's a DADT feel to your family relations, it's obviously there for a reason. Upsetting that specific applecart will probably result in at least one of your family members to reject you, which will be very painful for all concerned. I'd keep this in mind very carefully before making any grand pronouncements about things they know already by choose to not confront.

It's your life, but if I were you, I'd ponder your motivations and expectations of the consequences very carefully before proceeding. If you need the support of a specific person, tell him/her with the caveat that it is not for general discussion among the group.

 

[erratic]

Hey, I don't know your family as well as you do, so this is just a shot in the dark, but...:

I'd say just start introducing your personal life into conversations slowly. Taking gradual, confident baby steps with them sends the message that you're not trying to overwhelm them, but they'd better fucking get used to it. If you get any blowback from them at least you can say you tried, and you tried to do it at a pace that was better for them.

Also, be prepared for the family members who really don't give a shit that you're gay but are doing the whole DADT thing because the rest of the family is too. They can be very useful.

 

[B_Stronzo]

Tough place to be Lynx.

I think you're the best judge. I was fortunate in that both parents had close homosexual friends and were very worldly in general. I think they noticed pretty fairly on as I turned up my nose at the baseball diamond and went running for the pianoforte that ol "Stronzo" was a bit light in the loafers.

When I was seventeen I came out to my mother. She said "that's nice dear".

When I was twenty-one I came out to my father. He said "Remember [Stronzo] I know what you're doing and I've been there too but there's nothing like a woman"! (this from John Wayne's theoretical twin) .. so I was fortunate.

I'm a bloody Protestant so there was no religious thing wrapped around it.

Easy for me to advise "OH but Lynx! You must live your truth on all levels and tell them. Let the chips fall where they may!" But it's not that simple.

My best advice is "work for further disclosure" since (I'm sensing by the title of the thread) they're already on to it.

Whatever you choose to do good luck. I'm betting you'll be fine if you decide to disclose. It's amazing the reactions I've gotten from family - with the exception of my only sibling it's been terrific.

All the best, Stronzo

 

[HellsKitchenmanNYC]

As Bbucko said not everyone's family works the same way but..........
If you are a family member you should be treated the same as everyone else. It's hard to feel part of a family if you're always censoring your life and what you can and cannot share w/folks. Not everyone will accept you in some situations but it really sucks if you can't share your life w/your parents in particular.
In a perfect world you just be that guy and his boyfriend. Unfort. it doesn't always work that way. Maybe you can work it in bit by bit and maybe they'll et over it and the ones that don't well you will obviously not need to be that close to them (their fault). Just my 2 cents.

 

[Lynx]

My thanks to everyone for the helpful replies. As a footnote, I have a couple of gay cousins and Ive seen how they are marginalized within the family, so maybe just letting things be is the safest bet.

 

[wallaboi]

By saying that your family has the policy of "don't ask, don't tell" regarding you being gay, it seems that you think that they are aware of your sexuality, but you have never actulally come out to them. Is this correct?

 

[D_Brecock Evileye]

Family is a pain for everyone. Mine is very disfunctional. I hope whatever you do that things work out well for you. Your family needs to get it together and understand that there is nothing wrong with you.

 

[QuiteOne]

My thanks to everyone for the helpful replies. As a footnote, I have a couple of gay cousins and Ive seen how they are marginalized within the family, so maybe just letting things be is the safest bet.

If you want to live a "safe" life as a less than equal member of your own family that is your choice. I would strongly urge you to rethink this. Your family must accept you as they would any of their other children. You should be able to talk about any aspect of your life just as they would. Anything less is unacceptable. Believe me. You may think it's okay now but many years down the road you will regret letting your family treat you like you are less than human. You deserve better. If they are unwilling to accept you then it's time to move on.

 

[Lynx]

By saying that your family has the policy of "don't ask, don't tell" regarding you being gay, it seems that you think that they are aware of your sexuality, but you have never actulally come out to them. Is this correct?

Hi Wallaboi! Ive come out to my immediate family as well as to my gay cousins. The rest havent been shall we say officially notified!

 

[Lynx]

Family is a pain for everyone. Mine is very disfunctional. I hope whatever you do that things work out well for you. Your family needs to get it together and understand that there is nothing wrong with you.

Thanks Serpent13. I know they love me, Ive just learned to accept that there is a difference between love and acceptance.

 

[Joseph]

I didn't tell them about my bisexuality and I might never tell them or if I'll tell them then when I'll have a girlfriend... but i dont really care. It would only make them worried for no reason.

 

[Lynx]

If you want to live a "safe" life as a less than equal member of your own family that is your choice. I would strongly urge you to rethink this. Your family must accept you as they would any of their other children. You should be able to talk about any aspect of your life just as they would. Anything less is unacceptable. Believe me. You may think it's okay now but many years down the road you will regret letting your family treat you like you are less than human. You deserve better. If they are unwilling to accept you then it's time to move on.

Hi QuietOne! I appreciate your reply. Its given me something to think about.

 

[Lynx]

Thanks Joseph! Im not sure if ill ever have a girlfriend, but if I did, that would really confuse everyone! lol

 

[Joseph]

Heh no prob Lynx.

I really am still a virgin, even if I say i'm more into girls... I still am kinda unsure. It's a problem that bugs me, I love talking with people about it, some manage to comfort me there, but my parents? I would NEVER talk with them about it. 3 possible results
A) getting angry at me, cause they'd consider me gay
B) them forcing me to go to some therapy to get straight-er
C) them with uncomfort accept it and not wanting to hear more about it
And if you were expecting
D) comfort me that it's natural and I shouldn't be worried about it
Then that's what I usually get from my friends.... which usually are online friends, since offline sucks in that way.

It's good being able to talk about such things... being open..... but it stinks that I need a modem to talk about it!

 

[Dave NoCal]

Lynx,
Good luck with this. Some families take a DADT approach due to trying to be "polite" when they would actually be able to be fairly accepting. Hope
fully this is the case for you and your family.
Dave

 

[Lynx]

Hello everyone, this has been a very interesting thread and I would just like to say that I love my family and I would rather leave the status quo than cause any internal familial conflict. I live far from the rest of my family and therefore do not have much regular contact anyway.