The Empty Pursuit of Happiness

[dong20]

Perhaps sad is the new happy.

 

[earllogjam]

Perhaps sad is the new happy.

Only on the Green Tortoise Bus to Marin County.

 

[dannymawg]

You know what I need?

I need more hellos...



Contentment leads to a complacent attitude. Change keeps you on yer toes.


Contentment, or "being happy", is a quality of life. Quality is a continuum, with craptacular on one end and spectacular on the other. You can knock yourself out chipping away at that last x % of contentment, or you can just be happy in purgatory.


Anyone start with the Don't Worry song, they get their ass kicked

 

[SpeedoGuy]

Happiness doesn't just happen. It requires some planning to attain and some effort to maintain.

Yes. This quote is one of the central themes of the book "The Art of Happiness."

The Dalai Lama makes a simple analogy to gardening. A garden needs to be planned, watered, weeded and tended regularly. A healthy garden won't just happen by itself although we may want it to be so. Such is the same for human happiness. It needs to be nurtured routinely.

 

[SpeedoGuy]

It's not easy to be happy. Our society is predicated on people being afraid and miserable. Feel sad: listen to sad music, watch hopeful movies, buy things to make yourself feel better. They have built an entire economy based on our collective misery.

Man, ain't that the truth. Fear, envy, gluttony, anger, schadenfreude and a host of other pathologies are being marketed like commodities to willing buyers everywhere.

 

[viking1]

Be sad if that is what you are most comfortable with Viking - nothing wrong with that. It's an honest feeling - nothing to be ashamed or feel guilty about. It is just there. Maybe you enjoy being sad, it works for you. Why change?

I'm not comfortable with it. I don't like being sad. Yeah, I've gotten through 46 years this way, but I'm miserable far too often.

 

[earllogjam]

Anyone start with the Don't Worry song, they get their ass kicked

Hows about this corporate training video, Mr. Mawg?

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Op8BjKID1gM

:biggrin1:

I just get that warm fuzzy feeling inside.

 

[Love-it]

The nut of the problem is..............you are worried about..............something. That "something" is elusive. One side of the issue is you feel that you aren't in control of the elusive something. Happiness is subjective, to abuse a quote "to be or not to be", it is your choice to see the glass as full or as empty, of what?

You can choose to have a happy or a miserable life.

First clue: it has nothing to do with material posessions.


Climb the mountains and get their good tidings.
Natures peace will flow into you
as sunshine flows into trees.
The winds will blow their own freshness into you,
and the storms their energy,
while cares will drop off like autumn leaves.
John Muir

 

[Lex]

...

So Lex, self love led to your happiness. How did you learn to love yourself so much? It seems like a basic question but I think self acceptance is hard for many. Do you do anything daily to keep yourself in a truly happy state?

Yes, self-love led to my happiness. It's really hard to explain but I will try. I realized as I entered my 30s that I was unhappy. I had all the things that should have made me happy: beautiful size 4 wife, 2 adorable kids, house, 3 cars, successful career with a great trajectory and yet I was miserable. What's worse is that I did not even realize how miserable I was. I had been so unhappy for so long in my life that I thought that "mildy irritated" = "content/happy."

I went to therapy after my wife asked for a divorce one day. The tough part about therapy is seeing and understanding the part you play in creating all your own misery and then doing something about it. I realized that my irritation was an outward sign of my dystimia (low level depression or sadness that is pervasive and constant). I got treatment (medical and counseling) and went to work on liking myself. I realized I was queer with the help and support of my wife. I did not want to be different (Again--I was already Black) and had to start over liking myself from the ground up.

For 30 years I had pretended not to care what people thought, when I secretly lusted acceptance.

Once I said to myself everyday: you are a good person, there is nothing wrong with you that you can not change through hard work, everything will be okay. I met a man (my Ex) who taught me that it is best to think positive thoughts and live with a positive spirit. He taught me that these things would lead good energy back to me in the forms of great friends and opportunities. And it worked. I also picked up The Secret, which talks about much the same.

Dr. Phil once said: Don't worry about being right, worry about what works. If it is not working for you, change it. And so I did. I affirm myself daily. I truly got to this amazing place where I don't think I am a worthy person who is trying to be a positive influence, I KNOW It.

And once you know that you are a worthy person, you live your life with true integrity. Integrity is the value you place on yourself. People with integrity say what they mean, do what they say they will, treat others the they want to be treated, and refuse to be treated otherwise.

Anyone who is in an abusive relationship, anyone who allows anyone (relative, boss, friend or otherwise) to treat them like shit, anyone who accepts less than positive treatment does not truly love themselves. Deep down, they do not feel that they are worthy of better treatment. I wish true happiness for all these people. We are, each of us, worthy of good treatement. But we must INSIST upon it, even in the face of resistance.

I also live a guilt free life. I think carefully about my decisions so that afterwards, there are no (or few, if any) regrets. I don't allow others to tear me down by making me feel bad about my good choices simply because they do not agree with them. Most of society are not comfortable enough with themselves to make independent decisions. It's sad. My choices work for me and those I care for, so how can they be bad, really?

What's most amazing is that loving myself FREED me from the lustful longing of acceptance from the masses. I realized that most people's accpetance is based on false notions and fleeting trends, as they are not independent thinkers. I don't care every waking moment what people think of me. Why should I? I can not control what they think and they are going to think what they want to regardless of what I do or who I am.

For me, this has been roughly a 5 year journey. It has not be easy. In fact, it has been quite painful at times. Yet, I know from experience that there is something greater of the far side of adversity of you just put your head down and persevere.

I hope some of this makes sense. I am fresh from the gym and it is 6:45 AM. Good Luck.

 

[wldhoney]

How would you even know you were happy if you didn't have sadness and all the other emotions we have? Being sad, angry, melancholy is a chance for us to grow and gain self-awareness and strength. If we were happy all the time, I think we would become stagnant, and would miss out on the intense emotions like passion in defending a cause or making up with a lover.

We are always so sure that everyone else around us has a harmonious and perfectly happy life, but I believe we are all just feeling our way.

Right now I feel sad that you feel the way you do. And how can you have compassion for another without sadness? I will certainly be wishing great things for all of you.

 

[whatireallywant]

Yes, self-love led to my happiness. It's really hard to explain but I will try. I realized as I entered my 30s that I was unhappy. I had all the things that should have made me happy: beautiful size 4 wife, 2 adorable kids, house, 3 cars, successful career with a great trajectory and yet I was miserable. What's worse is that I did not even realize how miserable I was. I had been so unhappy for so long in my life that I thought that "mildy irritated" = "content/happy."

I went to therapy after my wife asked for a divorce one day. The tough part about therapy is seeing and understanding the part you play in creating all your own misery and then doing something about it. I realized that my irritation was an outward sign of my dystimia (low level depression or sadness that is pervasive and constant). I got treatment (medical and counseling) and went to work on liking myself. I realized I was queer with the help and support of my wife. I did not want to be different (Again--I was already Black) and had to start over liking myself from the ground up.

For 30 years I had pretended not to care what people thought, when I secretly lusted acceptance.

Once I said to myself everyday: you are a good person, there is nothing wrong with you that you can not change through hard work, everything will be okay. I met a man (my Ex) who taught me that it is best to think positive thoughts and live with a positive spirit. He taught me that these things would lead good energy back to me in the forms of great friends and opportunities. And it worked. I also picked up The Secret, which talks about much the same.

Dr. Phil once said: Don't worry about being right, worry about what works. If it is not working for you, change it. And so I did. I affirm myself daily. I truly got to this amazing place where I don't think I am a worthy person who is trying to be a positive influence, I KNOW It.

And once you know that you are a worthy person, you live your life with true integrity. Integrity is the value you place on yourself. People with integrity say what they mean, do what they say they will, treat others the they want to be treated, and refuse to be treated otherwise.

Anyone who is in an abusive relationship, anyone who allows anyone (relative, boss, friend or otherwise) to treat them like shit, anyone who accepts less than positive treatment does not truly love themselves. Deep down, they do not feel that they are worthy of better treatment. I wish true happiness for all these people. We are, each of us, worthy of good treatement. But we must INSIST upon it, even in the face of resistance.

I also live a guilt free life. I think carefully about my decisions so that afterwards, there are no (or few, if any) regrets. I don't allow others to tear me down by making me feel bad about my good choices simply because they do not agree with them. Most of society are not comfortable enough with themselves to make independent decisions. It's sad. My choices work for me and those I care for, so how can they be bad, really?

What's most amazing is that loving myself FREED me from the lustful longing of acceptance from the masses. I realized that most people's accpetance is based on false notions and fleeting trends, as they are not independent thinkers. I don't care every waking moment what people think of me. Why should I? I can not control what they think and they are going to think what they want to regardless of what I do or who I am.

For me, this has been roughly a 5 year journey. It has not be easy. In fact, it has been quite painful at times. Yet, I know from experience that there is something greater of the far side of adversity of you just put your head down and persevere.

I hope some of this makes sense. I am fresh from the gym and it is 6:45 AM. Good Luck.

Very good advice. I struggle with self esteem issues, and am trying to get better but it's very difficult. I've mentioned my body-image issues too much in other threads already, but I also have esteem issues about my ability to hold down a job, having been fired so many times when I was putting 100% into my job. I sometimes think I am just not good at anything, not good enough to have a job anyway. I do ok at the past few temp jobs I've had but they are strictly temp, so there's no way I could make a living doing those things. Plus, the job I have now is kind of boring, even if I am good at it. I'd really like to get back into IT again, but I don't have the skill level needed for any of the jobs.

While material possessions may not make a person happy, I think ability to do a job and do it well can make a person happy. I do want more money though, so I can do things to improve my looks, and also in order to not have to worry so much about are the bills going to be paid? Am I going to have enough money to retire on when I reach retirement? If I get sick, will I be able to pay the medical bills, or will I have to declare bankruptcy? Will I become homeless in the next month or two? I think of stuff like that, and it's a very real concern - I am often teetering on the edge of homelessness, unless I want to move back in with my parents or friends (and I am lucky that way, in that my parents would take me back in, and I have friends who would take me in, too.)

I also have a hard time just "making conversation". It may not seem that way here, but real life is way different. People are always commenting on how quiet I am, and that just makes me worse - I want to go off and hide in a dark corner somewhere. I just can't think of anything to say! If I have stuff to say, I will say it, but I just don't have something to say 100% of the time, you know?

I am unable to take prescription antidepressants, so that route is out for me. I have tried several different ones, and they make me so sleepy that I am unable to function in life. I literally sleep 20 hours a day! I would be unable to work or do anything else. Even the 4 hours that I'm awake when I take them, I have brain-fuzz, so I can't really do anything that requires any thinking. I even made bad mistakes doing a job I had at one time that I had gotten used to and could practically do in my sleep! (One of the few jobs I've been good at...but it's an occupation that is dying out, computer operator...)

I struggle with the "what will people think" issue as well. I have gotten a lot of flak, especially when I was growing up. It's really hard when you get that as a child. It's probably easier to deal with as an adult. I have a rather unconventional personality and lived in an area that stressed conformity. I seem to do better with this depending on where I live too. I have an easier time living in a city than I did when I lived in a rural area.

 

[hypolimnas]

In fact, survey after survey has shown that it is unhappy people who tend to be the mose self-focused and are often socially withdrawn, brooding, and even antagonistic.

Hmmm great post. I have always thought that most people feel better if they do something for someone else, especially if they set themselves up for challenging meaningful work.

Regarding the original post, it is true that most people settle for satisfaction rather than misery.

I feel that deeper satisfaction is dependent on self acceptance and having a purposeful life. To have a non violent and compassionate relationship with oneself becomes the basis for relating to others, contributing to social, environmental and humantarian goals (bigger than ourselves) helps us feel connected and have a deeper sense of well being.

The direct pursuit of happiness is a recipe for an unhappy life
- Donald Campbell

 

[monstro]

From my own experience I believe happiness is a choice. That is, you can consciously choose how you think and feel and react to each moment in your life. I'm not talking about being blithely cheery or sickly sweet at all times, instead I mean being conscious, positive, and kind. I think there's a few things people can do to greatly improve their enjoyment of life, all of which are not ideas original to me, of course, but all of them have greatly enriched my life:

1. Slow down. Every day I see people rushing from red light to red light. Life isn't a race--take it easy.

2. Stay in the now. Yesterday's gone and tomorrow is pure speculation. Focus on what's in front of you and recognize, without judging, what you're feeling at this moment.

3. Eliminate the words "should" and "ought" from your vocabulary.

4. Smile. Try this experiment. Go out and treat everyone you meet with a surly, downtrodden expression, see how people treat you. Then the next day go out and smile at everyone and ask them how they're doing. Over time you'll find you feel better simply because people are treating you better (because you're treating them better).

5. Get enough sleep and drink plenty of water. (Not at the same time, however, unless you're a somnambulist)

6. Find something you love to do and do it. For me, it's dancing. My life blossomed once I finally started taking dance classes.

7. Don't believe everything you think.

8. Cultivate a feeling of gratitude. Meister Eckhart once wrote that if the only prayer you say in your life is, "Thank you," that it would be enough.

Anyway, thanks for reading this far.

 

[DC_DEEP]

Another kindered spirit :smile: . I don't think it is a process - more of a state of being for me. Not sure how I ended up here if it was a process.

I didn't express myself very well on that one.

When I say it's a process rather than a state, I mean it isn't static, it's dynamic. If you ride your bicycle from your home to the park (something that makes you happy) and sit on a park bench (the state of happiness), then if you do nothing, you stay in that one place; you don't just kind of drift back to your original state of being at home.

In real life, though, if something makes you happy, you have to keep up that process (or another) of whatever it is that makes you happy. It has to be maintained.

Aren't most of your joys tied into your desires? If there were no desires we would be emotionally flat, no? Not sure I would enjoy that. What would motivate you if you had little or no desire?

I agree that desires are necessary to have happiness. I'm not sure what one would do if one had no desires.

So Lex, self love led to your happiness. How did you learn to love yourself so much? It seems like a basic question but I think self acceptance is hard for many. Do you do anything daily to keep yourself in a truly happy state?

I can't answer for Lex, but I can answer for myself. It isn't easy or pleasant, but it begins with seriously examining yourself, and honestly deciding what you like and what you don't like about yourself. I don't mean looking in the mirror and thinking "my nose is too big, and that makes me sad." I'm talking about the stuff that matters. If you see qualities in yourself that you either admire or despise in other people, that's what I'm talking about. Then you have to take the steps necessary to cultivate and emphasize what is good about you, and change and eliminate the things that are bad about you.

Ha, and you wanted the easy answers!

 

[Lex]

whatireallywant -- Thanks for sharing that. You seem like you may be an extreme introvert with some social anxiety traits (forgive my armchair diagnosis). Anti-depressants won't work for you if that is the case.

I am sorry to hear that you feel that you are struggling with all these areas of your life. I agree that holding down a job that you love and do well is one way to be happy. There are probably common threads to all of your woes that someone with an external perspective may be able to provide. The best counselors are merely guides-they help you along your journey by enabling you to mature and empower yourself to see your own life more clearly and make good decisions for you.

It's VERY hard work.

 

[earllogjam]

I hope some of this makes sense. I am fresh from the gym and it is 6:45 AM. Good Luck.

Yes, all this makes sense. Almost too painful to read for me. I am suprised you can be so clear at 6:45 AM. I too found myself in my late 20's being very unhappy with life despite looking outwardly successful and happy. I suffer from acceptance anxiety and trust issues probably from being picked on as a child. So all that is painfully close to my experience. And I too started the road to self acceptance and love. It took about 10 years to get where I am being content with my life. Changing my livelihood and having a truly loving and caring relationship really made me grow and realize all that I was missing.

What I don't have is your faith that there is something "greater in the far side of adversity." The idea that you can just put your head down, and weather the bad stuff and something good will later come. Faith. How do you develop a spiritual life when all the dogma out there doesn't really fit who you are?

Very good advice. I struggle with self esteem issues, and am trying to get better but it's very difficult.

whatireallywant,

I'm no expert in this by any means but from my experience that Chinese proverb rings true...

A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step.

Nothing will come overnight but if you have some good teachers to shed some light on some things it will be easier to see and judge for yourself. You will see, experience and begin to understand things that were once invisible or overlooked.

I have always thought that most people feel better if they do something for someone else, especially if they set themselves up for challenging meaningful work.

Regarding the original post, it is true that most people settle for satisfaction rather than misery.

I feel that deeper satisfaction is dependent on self acceptance and having a purposeful life. To have a non violent and compassionate relationship with oneself becomes the basis for relating to others, contributing to social, environmental and humantarian goals (bigger than ourselves) helps us feel connected and have a deeper sense of well being.

The direct pursuit of happiness is a recipe for an unhappy life
- Donald Campbell

I changed what I do everyday and it has certainly helped out on the happiness quotient. Also the practice of being nice to myself changed things. I was so driven and hard on myself from such a young age that it felt alien and damaging at first but it has made me a nicer person. :smile:

It isn't easy or pleasant, but it begins with seriously examining yourself, and honestly deciding what you like and what you don't like about yourself. I don't mean looking in the mirror and thinking "my nose is too big, and that makes me sad." I'm talking about the stuff that matters.

Ha, and you wanted the easy answers!

What really matters DC? What stuff really counts? And how did you come to that realization?

Ha, and you wanted the easy questions.

 

[Lex]

I am suprised you can be so clear at 6:45 AM.

I am a true morning person. Up at 5. Back from the gym by 6:15. I do my best thinking between 7 AM and 1 PM. I can't really think well past 3 PM.

...
What I don't have is your faith that there is something "greater in the far side of adversity." The idea that you can just put your head down, and weather the bad stuff and something good will later come.

My belief is borne of experience. I have been in several difficult life circumstances and have felt and lived the better side of all the bullshit that you go through. I believe it as I have personally seen it work that way for me and others time and time again, as sure a a dropped rock will hit the ground.

I also have a strong belief that *I* am in control of my destiny. My thoughts, actions, and beliefs today create my tomorrows. If I plant tomorrow's seeds with positive spirit and make only decisions which serve to better me and my own, how can anything but positive things happen for me?

One of the things this has meant for me has been eliminating negative influences and people from my life, including family members. You can not have positive karma if you surround yourself with negative people, do negative things odr have negative thoughts.

You have to cleanse your life. If someone is not supporting you FULLY, then they are not supporting you. Clean your closet and refurbish your home!

Faith. How do you develop a spiritual life when all the dogma out there doesn't really fit who you are? ...

My faith in an endless possibilities does not coincide with a practice of any specific religion. In my perspective, all religions, at core, speak to living your life in a positive manner and treating each other with respect and kindness. The rest of it, IMHO, is simply social control--nothing more.

You don't have to follow the masses or their "approved" ways to better yourself. Do what works for you--this may be different than what works for others.

 

[earllogjam]

I also have a strong belief that *I* am in control of my destiny. My thoughts, actions, and beliefs today create my tomorrows. If I plant tomorrow's seeds with positive spirit and make only decisions which serve to better me and my own, how can anything but positive things happen for me?

One of the things this has meant for me has been eliminating negative influences and people from my life, including family members. You can not have positive karma if you surround yourself with negative people, do negative things odr have negative thoughts.

Food for thought. I think you have shed some light here on a bunch of things that I have been wondering about but never really thought much about until now. It all makes sense.

My faith in an endless possibilities does not coincide with a practice of any specific religion. In my perspective, all religions, at core, speak to living your life in a positive manner and treating each other with respect and kindness. The rest of it, IMHO, is simply social control--nothing more.

You don't have to follow the masses or their "approved" ways to better yourself. Do what works for you--this may be different than what works for others.

I have the same views on this. Although I feel it is much easier to learn from others or in a community than reinventing the wheel which I think I have done for too long now. Thanks.

 

[dannymawg]

Hows about this corporate training video, Mr. Mawg?

YouTube - Don't Worry Be Happy - Nature's Sunshine Corporate Video

:biggrin1:

I just get that warm fuzzy feeling inside.

Oh man that hurt. Come over here so I can kick your warm fuzzy feeling ass...


Peace (happiness?) from the quantum level?

Not like I'm into hippie karma shit or anything... I happened across this as I was searching for David Lynch soundbites for a song in my neophyte looping/sampling project.

But it does seem you get what you give :biggrin1:

 

[Full_Phil]

This is my personal favourite:

If our ambition expresses itself in terms of worldly pursuits, at first we search for happiness, but then we begin to enjoy the struggle toward happiness as well and we begin to relax into our struggle. Half way to achieving absolute pleasure and comfort we begin to give in and make the best of our situation. The struggle becomes an adventure and then a vacation or holiday. We are still on our adventurous journey to the actual ultimate goal, but at the same time we consider every step along the way a vacation, a holiday. Chogyam Trungpa (1976), The Myth of Freeedom p. 27

Nice! I am just beginning to find that by looking backwards, I can see the steps of growth toward happiness that I have taken. One does not initially experience "growing" as it is happening. One can only observe growth after it occurs until understanding of what happened begins to occur. When one begins to feel and see how past steps along the way were beneficial, then one can evaluate current situations in terms of that understanding and come closer to living and feeling in the moment.